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失敗の蝶

[ website | 私のスペース ]
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[02 Dec 2006|01:42pm]
[ mood | sad ]

today marcus left for san diego, and i am genuinely sad about the situation.
we barely began to experience a wonderful friendship as a group, and
then he is gone.

i can only hope that we continue to stay friends, because i loved him dearly.

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[30 Oct 2006|11:42pm]
everyone uses me dry.

i just want to feel like someone is on our side for once.
perhaps feel like someone will be here to help me with shit.



but no.

i just get fucked over.
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damn [27 Sep 2006|12:08pm]
i thought i lost my friend today.

charged with possession with intent to sell.

31 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA.


fuckin a.
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[17 Sep 2006|01:43am]
bored.
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i havent posted in forever. [16 Sep 2006|01:04pm]
[ mood | sick ]

i'm in a weird spot. my friends aren't friends, and i still feel the need to fill a void i've been trying to fill for years. it isn't so much that i want a friend, i just want that person to turn to. suffering from depression as an adolescent is far more different than as an adult who lives on their own. as a kid, i felt alienated and misunderstood. i didn't talk to people because i felt my feelings were meant to be kept inside, and now i just really want someone i can talk to who won't necessarily understand but accept that i feel this way and just be there for me. i have come across new "friends", but when it comes down to it, it seems that these friends are here to use me, because i am spineless and don't speak up for myself. once an aggravated kid ready to beat the shit out of whoever fucked with me, i have succombed to letting everyone walk all over me and use the shit out of me, because i fear being alone.

oh well. as of now, i don't really know what to do. i am just accepting how things are, and hoping they get better, even though all my hoping has been only fucking me over.

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[28 Feb 2006|08:00am]
i am suffering though a shitty bout of depression.
a lot of things have gone wrong, and i can't seem to control
even a small portion of it. i am trying to make everything work,
but the truth is everything in my life is like the exact opposite
of where i would like it to be, and that really sucks.
seems like so many people who do not deserve it, have things
so goddamned easy for them, and despite how childish it sounds,
it isn't fair, and for once i want something to go my way.
after a while you get sick of being put on the back burner.
i try to make a joke of my shitty situation but it only makes
things better for a little while.


:/
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[24 Feb 2006|08:53pm]
i never use this anymore.
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[22 Jan 2006|08:15am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

[bored]
[tired]
[unable to sleep]
[need a full-time job]
[cold][as fuck]]
[]
[]
[]
[]

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[13 Jan 2006|03:35pm]
im so stressed out. dont have a truck to move
on tuesday. bahhhhh.

[but] on a good note

only ten credits til i graduate !!yay !
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[11 Jan 2006|10:49am]
i am downloading
the harry potter audio books.
hahahhaa. something to work out to :D
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my oh my [11 Jan 2006|10:31am]
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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relieved. [07 Jan 2006|03:43pm]
everything went well.
got/paid for our new apartment
it's smaller but i like it.
its cute.
we move the 17th.
my grandma is fantastic.
i am happy she co-signed.
only a $99 deposit .

can't wait to leave this expensive ass dump,
and go to a cheaper dump. hhaha.
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so [06 Jan 2006|12:08pm]
this whole cabbage soup deal.

i'm trying it. i actually read in a med. journal,
despite some bad rap, it is healthy if you do it correctly.
BUT they recommend you add skinless boneless chicken breast to the soup.
for added protein, so its not just veggies and water, lol.
it isn't too bad.

paired with green tea pills, i feel okay right now.

yay !
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[06 Jan 2006|11:20am]
soup diet.
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bahhh. [04 Jan 2006|10:39am]
[ mood | depressed ]

i'm lonely.
and bored.
and hungry.
but i have no one to hang out with.
and nothing to do.
and i'm not allowed to eat.

i just want to drop the weight,
and get this over with.

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frustatration ! [02 Jan 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

happy new years all. today starts day one of
vanessa's super intense she needs to lose
some fucking weight program. ha.

now, we are fucked. we have NOWHERE to live in 10 days !
our thirty days is alomst up.
i am trying my best to once again ask my mom
if she could PLEASE take us in for just 2-3 months.
i just need to lose the weight and
then off to boot we are. i really wish she would
show some compassion. bahhhhhh.

it's raining and windy. b-e-a-utiful.


ahhhhhhh and i got guild wars !! another game to get fat on !

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gahhh [30 Dec 2005|01:35pm]
lost 2 pounds.

my goal is to lose five pounds a week.if i can do that,
i will be at my goal in february, ready for boot by march.

let's see how it goes !
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so [29 Dec 2005|08:44pm]
today discussed what job i am gonna (hopefully) get with gunny.
i qualified for everything i want.
i am deciding between ATC (air traffic controller),
and i forgot what it is called, but they blow up
unused, unwanted explosives. some type of demolition :DDD
ead or eac or something, can't remember.
did relatively well on my asvab ... a 74 !!!!!!!!!
i can get "almost" everything i want. i'm pumped.
lost two pounds but i need to drop it quicker. the sooner
i do it, the sooner i ship out. :DDD
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so [28 Dec 2005|11:09am]
[ mood | anxious ]

i'm cranky. i am intaking so little food, but i'm eating
exactly what my recruiter told me to. it feels wrong.
i'm going to guess it's because me, the fat ass, is so
used to cramming my face with food, that when i am
eating so much less i feel like im in shock or something.
i feel really heavy, despite how much i have been
exercising, and how little i have been consuming.
but lots and lots and lots of water. i feel like if
i am unable to enlist, i will lose it. this is really important to
me now. it isn't because i want to defend my country, or be noble or anything.
i had the chances to do so fucking much with myself before.
and i let it alllll fall between my fingers. i never grew up.
if i can do this ... (this meaning losing this godforsaken weight,
making it through basic training and my biggest fear that 5 minute
stint in the gas chamber), then i feel like
i will be able to do whatever the fuck i want. fuck everyone who
thought i would be nothing.
as for going overseas ... i actually want to go.
it will suck being away from everyone i love. bad. it will
probably be one of the biggest tests of my life.
BUT me being the left wing liberal that i am, wants to know
what the fuck is truly going down in iraq, versus just
hearing the news saying "it is fantastic!!" or that it is horrible.
i want to know what the hell is truly happening, that way
if i still choose to critisize my gov't and our countrys leaders,
at least i will have a motherfucking reason.

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[27 Dec 2005|08:39am]
[ mood | cold ]

met w/ recruiter yesterday.
have to get my asthma under control.

drop forty pounds. only allowed 3 fist sized meals
daily. the entire meal = one fist. and i have little hands.

no carbs. no beverages other than water. none.
nothing to eat after 5.
work out 1-2 hours a day, build it up to four hours a day.

and this isnt even motherfucking basic training yet :)

i got a 51 on practice asvab, take the real thing thursday.
hoping to be an air traffic controller.

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