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Miriam McDonald

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I make believe that you are here. What have I done? Please forgive me? This song is my sorry... [Thursday
December 8th, 2005 at 6:55pm]
[ mood | crazy in a confused way. ]

Okay, Jake and I officially are a couple. Some people have problems with this. Just live with it. It’s the way of life. You can’t stop us from being together. So stop saying things that aren’t true, just to get on our nerves. I’m happy, I mean, who wouldn’t be? I’m going to stop talking about him right here. I wouldn’t want any people snapping at him or I anymore. Someone would just come up and say that I’m talking about him 24/7, and adding that I write about him like crazy. Well, sorry if my world revolves around him now. I don’t see the problem anymore. It’s no crime anymore for me, especially since he is my boyfriend. I can write as much as I want. Don’t like it? Then simple as: Don’t read it.

Yeah, you heard right. I live with Jake now. It’s pretty nice actually. No, I do not spend my whole time with him. I do most of the day, but we both have our own separate lives at the same time. I have hung out with a few people in the past days. I saw Jamie and Ryan. Nothing to much going there. Just a simple hang out, had a great time. I was supposed to hang out with my Wind Rat before, but no idea what happened… I mean, did I do anything? We were supposed to go to Denny’s…She said she was just lazy to leave… That’s not like the Shenae I know… hmm, maybe some other time then? Instant Message me Nae, when and where. We need to get the Rodent-gathering happening…Especially since the holidays are coming up. I called Shannon, because Sara was busy… and Shannon says hi, and that if you don’t call her. She’s going to get someone to stalk you personally. Haha, I’m not sure what’s going on there. But yeah, I’m just your little Fire Squirrel Messenger. "Shenae, you call now, or those small green old ugly annoying leprechauns will haunt you in your sleep." –Shannon.

So, I think I might take up boxing again. I really feel the need to punch things every here and then. So, I’m going to sign up again and maybe more dance classes. I’m not sure yet. But, that’s what I’m thinking of. And I would be extremely busy if I do that, and go to college where Jake is. I wouldn’t see him as much. So, maybe I should just take one lesson or two in the early mornings on weekends? It could work, right? I do miss it, since I stopped for a bit. I didn’t realise it helps me relax, which I need most of the time now.

I kind of talked to my parents a day ago about Jake and I being together. Opps, here’s the paragraph about Jake. My bad, you can stop reading now if you know this will bug you. Hmm…They reacted just like I pictured it. Especially my sister, Haha, I will never forget her face. One word: Priceless. So, I go back to the house, them thinking I was only there visiting. Wrong they were when I told them I wanted to talk to them. My mom’s face kind of went pale, I guess she freaked not knowing what I would say. My dad was in the kitchen, reading his newspaper with his coffee, just like dad’s do. My sister on the phone, leaning on the wall, talking to her boyfriend. Some how she can multitask, because once I said, "Mom…Dad… Jake and I are together…like boyfriend and girlfriend… " She basically flipped and threw the phone away, which hit the TV with a big CLUMP. Anyway, she started to jump, but mostly I was focusing my attention on my parents. I knew my sister would react like that, but I was more worried of what my parents would do and think. My mom didn’t move… my dad dropped his newspaper. Obviously I told my sister to be quiet, and my mom was just shaking her head at me. I knew it was time for the "lecture" now. She stated, "Mir, you live with this boy, and now you’re his girlfriend. Are you sure about this?" Of course I was sure. I always had been. "But, if this is what you want dear. If this is what makes you happy." Of course being with him makes me happy. He makes me happy, that’s all I really need in my life: him. My dad stood up kind of not knowing what to do or say. I saw his mouth open, but he didn’t say anything. My mom decided to speak for him, and she went near my father’s side, and my sister followed. "Miriam, we love Jake, really. We’re glad, unexpected for so soon. But we knew it would happen eventually. We’re happy. He’s a great guy." That made me smile knowing they appreciated him, and had no problems with him what so ever. Even though to Jake and I, "so soon" wasn’t so soon at all. They’re still slightly freaked about me now living with my boyfriend. But that’s understandable… I am the youngest and the "baby" to them. So, it’s just natural of them to worry about this, but nothing’s going to happen. I already assured them of that. They know it too, because they know he’s a great guy.

Remember I said I hung out with Jamie? Well, it was a good day. It never really is a bad day when we hang out. He’s a funny guy, but somehow our day went weird after a while. I realised he was slightly drunk, and I asked him if he was okay, because he didn’t seem to okay to me. He said yeah, and that he wouldn’t drink in his life, as a joke. I told him he already had before. Then I just mention, "So I’m stuck in a house with a tipsy Jamie. Wow." Then I get this reply I wouldn’t think of getting, because I was joking, and it wasn’t anything serious. He goes to me and says, "You could always go see Jake." Okay, I never knew joking was a crime. He starts getting slightly moody and I knew something was wrong. Something was bugging him. So I asked him what was going on, what was the problem. He kept saying nothing, even though it was a lie. I told him he was lying to me, and next I know it. He grabs his keys, stands up, and leaves me alone in his house. I looked out the window to see where he was going, but it was too late. He was already gone. I don’t know what happened, and I didn’t know what I did or said, or what the whole leaving thing was about. I get up, and remember that a place he goes to think is this hill.

I drive to the hill, and I see him sitting on a bench, with his iPod and a script. I approached him and asked if I could sit down. I didn’t want to sit down if he didn’t want me too, because I could have been annoying him. He told me I could, so I sat down beside him. I wasn’t really having any eye contact with him. I told him I was sorry if I made him leave that time at his place. He said it didn’t matter, but I kind of felt it was my fault, because it really was. There was silence between us, and then he asks me something. "Miriam… be honest, okay?" I didn’t know what the question would be. So I was slightly nervous and nodded. I told him I would try…since I didn’t know what he was going to ask. But he didn’t ask anything… he lifted my chin and kissed me… I didn’t kiss him back though…then he asked me, "Anything?" As in, my feelings… I just couldn’t believe he kissed me. (To be honest… I didn’t feel much of anything… it’s hard for me to say that too… because I hurt Jamie when he realised that…I hate when things like this have to happen… If only they didn’t have to be like this, but I have no choice…I love Jake…)

After what happened with the first kiss I had with him, it ruined Jake and I completely. I didn’t want this to ruin my relationship with Jake already; we had just made it official. I was frightened, yes. Only because I love Jake and I didn’t want to hurt him again. I didn’t know what to say to Jamie… I just asked him, "So…this is what’s bugging you… Jake and I." It was a little obvious now, and he got up and said, "That’s all I needed to know." He disappeared, again. I stayed for a second. My head throbbing. I was basically screaming and pulling my hair out. I saw that he left his script behind… and the contract beside it… he hadn’t signed it yet. But if he did, it said he’d be staying in California for a few months. A few months…okay, and that’s supposed to be how long?

I get up and quickly go to my car, and drive to his house again. I at least wanted to give him the script back and everything. I get there, and I hand him the script when he opens the door. I asked him if we could just talk like civil people. I didn’t see how that was hard. I just wanted to sort everything out, since we hadn’t exactly sorted anything just yet. What he told me was, "Things will be easier too, when I leave tomorrow, to be exact." (So that point, I knew he signed the contract.) Which means today… I still don’t understand why. Like, I do… just…its all-just confusing. I didn’t want him to go. He’s my friend. I care about him, we have been close for a while now… and it just wouldn’t feel right if he left. Usually I can talk to him, and hang out with him… and now that he’s gone… I don’t know…I have Jake, I know that. But it would be nice to have someone else there for once… someone slightly different than other people. That mostly makes me laugh. But he didn’t want to stay. I guess he didn’t stay after all. He signed the friggen contract for The O.C, and he’s now somewhere out there where I have no clue… To be honest…it’s like I’m loosing one of my best friends…maybe because I am?

Well, I have to go…Ben and Jerry are waiting beside the couch and TV…might as well talk to them…About everything that I feel right now.

Lots of love,

-Miriam xoxo

018 x KISSES

December 3rd, 2005 at 5:49pm]
[ mood | Suspicious ]

Life is always a struggle, everyone just has to hold on as tight as they can… and not let go, or they’ll fall off the cliff of life. And that’s a fact. If you let go, you’ll fall down and let your life hit you pretty hard. The stress will mount on top of your life and cliff, and suffocate you till death.

Erm, yeah. Forgot what I just said. I’m a little in that scary phase at the moment…too many movies? Haha. So, I’m pretty tired actually. Life has been, weird? I’m not sure. It’s just been out of it…But most of it is all right, I guess.

All that’s happen recently has really given me things to think about. Like, I was just sitting in my room playing with Sully, when I get a call from Jake’s mother. I knew something happened, I could tell by the tone of her voice. Once I heard what had happened to Jake, I basically collapsed on my bed. But I got up immediately and left the house towards the hospital. My sister kept asking me questions as I left outside. I just told her not to worry, and I drove to the hospital. That feeling when I got that call, is a feeling I won’t forget. It was hard and something I didn’t want to believe… and to think… a couple of hours ago, I had told him, "be careful." All he said was "What can happen?"…Well, this happened.

I got to the hospital, and I immediately saw Jake’s mom pacing, and his dad sitting on a chair. Everyone was pretty nervous and worried for a long period of time. His mom wanted to find out what happened to his nose, so, I told her all I knew. She said, "That’s my boy. Always protecting others." And she’s right.

I needed to know how was Jake. To know where he was, I was loosing it. I didn’t know anything. Well, no one knew anything about how he was. So, I asked which room he was in. She pointed to a door, and inside the room you could see Jake… Jake being operated on… them pumping the medication and rum out of his stomach. Not a nice sight to see. I had a breakdown, and sat on the floor in a little scrunched up ball. My head, hidden in my knees… sobbing.

The main doctor came out… he explained that Jake was in a coma, and that they did all they could. I let Jake’s parent let them see him first. I thought it would be better. They were his parents. I didn’t want to destroy anything, you know… moments…because they were there for him. Even if Jake was in a coma, I knew he’d like that his parents were there for him. So, I waited outside till they came out. I went in later… pretty nervous as I walked in. I saw him just laying there. Peacefully… I walked towards his side. Yeah, crying. I sat beside the bed on a chair. Holding his hand, and just talking to him. I kissed him on the forehead…Saying things like; "I’m not going to leave you. I’ll be beside you always. Sleeping or not. I’m not leaving your side. Never, and if I must. I’ll stay here till you get better."

That’s when I noticed something was really wrong. He started to get pale, and sweat. His heartbeat was going quicker than normally. I freaked and got a nurse to check on him. Next I knew it; the room was packed with people trying to save him. I was still in the room, in a corner. Not believing what I was seeing. Jake had started to wake up, but he was coughing up blood, and his nose was bleeding. He moved to aside, and went back into a coma. His heart when downer, and the doctors freaked. They weren’t going to give up on him. They kept doing everything they could to save his life. And they did it. Once his heart had calmed down, they left. I was in a corner, pretty shaken up. I walked towards him, and, I saw his face and bed that had his blood. I took a towel, and just whipped the blood of him. He started to turn back to his normal skin tone. I sat beside him again, holding his hand. His parents walked in, and they asked me how he was. I couldn’t lie. I wasn’t going too. I told them. His mom was pretty freaked about it. They both rushed to the other side of him talking amongst themselves for awhile. I was caressing Jake’s hand when I felt his index finger twitch. I jumped as I stood up and looked at him carefully. His mom noticed and looked at Jake immediately. His face scrunched a little. His mom and his dad had said his name softly. Jake opened his mouth as asked, "Mom? Dad?" I was relieved, but he hadn’t opened his eyes yet. I had tears of happiness. Who didn’t? His parents were pretty happy to know he was all right now. Jake opened his eyes, and looked at me. It was nice to see him again, and to listen to his voice as he said, "Sunlight." I held back my tears. I just smiled, letting him talk all he wanted with his parents. His parents later on left to go and eat. That left me with Jake alone. We talked. I told him how I missed him and just everything really. He needed rest now that he was awake, so I let him sleep as I fell asleep curled up on a chair that was beside the bed. I really didn’t mind it; I was fine as long as he was. It got to cold though, which woke me up. I went to eat something, and since he was still sleeping after that. I decided to quickly go home, and change and stuff. I came back, and he had wakened up already. I asked how he was; he looked slightly better than before. Nothing too much happened. Just talked and, I layed down beside him. We had a nice chat. He was slightly weird at some points. He was purposely confusing me… and really bad lol I didn’t get a word after a bit… but then, I asked him if the doctors had told him when he could leave. He said one more night, and he was able to go…but under the condition that someone had to live with him to take care of him. I told him it wasn’t going to be hard to find that person to do that. He said that the person would have to move in and live with him. It got later on where he knew I would go and look after him. I just needed to check everything out with my parents. So, I left after to pack and talk to my parents about this. I am excited to move back in with him. I promised, and I mean it, that I’m going to be home more often, instead like the other times where I was barely there. But, it’s different now.

I went home, and my sister wasn’t there, but my parents were. I knew I had to tell them. They went crazy when they saw me walk in. They kept asking me where I went, and why I didn’t tell my sister. I told him not to blame anything on her, and if they needed too. Just blame it on me, but that it wasn’t going to be any use. I paused and breathed as I calmed down and told them quietly that what I wanted was to move in back with Jake. My mom shook her head, and my dad left with his hands in the air, not looking at me. He was pretty confused. My mom didn’t understand why. I wasn’t going to go and say, "Because I love him." She’d freak more. But, I told her it would be okay. That she had let me go before, and she let me go to Montreal… what difference would it make if I lived with him. I wasn’t going to disappear from their life. I would come and visit them regularly. She was all like, "Why would you live with him again, if you perfectly know you’ll come back around and live here again. Like you are now. You’ll just change your mind like before." I shook my head. "It’s different then before mom." She didn’t get it, but she knew she couldn’t stop me though. "You’re going to have to let go of me sometimes mom. I’m almost 19." She sighed and nodded… and, I’m guessing it was an okay, because she came and hugged me. I walked to the living room, looking at my dad. I hugged him; I think he understands and finally let me go. I went and packed, and I’m updating at my house now because I’m waiting to see my sister tonight. There’s something she wanted to give me, so I’m waiting for her to come. After, I’m going back to see Jake. I can’t leave him alone for long. Broken ribs aren’t good at all. Well, I’m going to walk Sully.

-Miriam xoxo


P.S: I can’t just not think that the past will not haunt me again…

[[I'm back online now. ]]

Help me, I think I'm falling, madly in love with you. [Thursday
December 1st, 2005 at 2:31am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Haha, yes. Proud is the word to describe me right at this very moment. Why? Because I just fixed my info page, and I loveeee it! Check it out or die. =) I’m still going to add pictures, so don’t fret if you don’t spot yourself there. Leave me a comment and remind me, or my little brain and I will forget you =( I added a picture of us there Shenae.

So, what have I been up to lately? Dudes, I don’t even remember half of it all. I guess I’m a little over due in making an entry. Yes, sue me if you must. I just totally feel blanked out. Or, maybe because so many things happen at once, it’s hard to keep track. Yeah, that’s it. So, sorry for this ridiculous long post. But you know you love me =)… You better, or my herds of Power Rangers and Rodents will attack you like village people with axes. =)

Lmao, I just noticed I never wrote that I am back in Toronto. Well, I am. So, jump and go crazy. I missed everything back here…my house, my dog, the stores, my family and my friends. It’s great to be home, not that I didn’t like Montreal Jake lol. I loved it. So, I’m back and jumpy then I’ll ever be.

Not to long ago, Jake went to the New Jersey thing with Stacey. I saw it on the TV, well, like interviews and stuff. Guys, your screaming scared me lol. Kidding. It looked fun. So, he came back to T.O when he finished everything over there. I just felt like a nice person, and decided to like meet him at the airport. Hmm, not very friendly when I tapped him on the shoulder. Nearly chopped my head off thinking I was a fan. I am not, well, maybe ;) lmaoo. Kidding! So, after that we went to Starbucks. My baby Starbucks, how I miss the smell and coffee. Mmm, I so need to get out today and go get some Caffé Verona or something. Anyway, we went and just ate and stuff like that. Nothing too much. Then we went outside cuddling for a bit, and we decided to head out near the Lake, close to outside Toronto. So I drove there, because we were in my car. He was holding one of my hands most of the way, ha, I was afraid of loosing it and crash since I was driving with one hand. So talented I am lol. But, it didn’t happen, so good haha! We got there and just sat looking outside the Lake. We just talked most of the time, about anything that came to our minds. We were pretty close, if you want to say. I enjoyed that day. I hadn’t been near that Lake in forever. And sadly, Jake’s never been there. He misses too much in life lol.

After that, we just decided to go back home now. I was getting tired, and it was getting pretty late already. I drove back to the Airport, since we left his car there. When we got there and said our good-byes and goodnight, and then it was like everything just stopped around us. He was pretty close to me. So close for a kiss, but it didn’t happen. He ended up kissing my nose. Yeah, I know…pain. But, it’s okay. It was all really awkward after that though. Stammering and not looking at each other. So, he decided to leave. I watched him leave. Poor guy… hit his head walking backwards on a pole or something. I remember chuckling and looking down as he left. Then I totally began to hit my head on my steering wheel on the car. I’m not sure why. I guess I really wanted him to kiss me. I had been waiting for a while, but it didn’t happen. Pretty worked up over it for no reason at all. I drove back home, just thinking everything over and stuff. After that day, I wasn’t myself. I was all stressed and just, not lively as usual. I was like that for days… I’m not to sure why. That’s when Deanna came in.

She was online, and I was just talking to her you know. Because, that’s what you do online haha. I missed that girl. It’s been a while since I got to talk to her and stuff. So, it turns out we both were a little out of it that day. We decided to just hang out that night, and loosen up to forget about everything going on. I got all dressed up as I drove to her house; we were going to go clubbing. Haha, I know. I bet you’re all like, "Miriam clubbing? Eh, I don’t think so. That is something Miriam will never do." But hey, I did. I needed to loosen up… and if clubbing was the trick, I had taken that trick as a risk. I got to her house and helped her picked out some really sexy clothes. We got ready and vanished to the club. Once there, it was pretty much just great. We started to dance and just laugh. We loosen up pretty well actually. I’m glad all that dancing and drinking helped. Even if the drinking did maybe make me say stuff I shouldn’t have… and even make me have one of the worst hangovers the next day. But I lived threw it. Which I thought I wouldn’t. My head felt like coming off. Deanna says that during the whole clubbing thing, we went to her house after… because I had said something that we needed to talk about. Sorry, I just don’t remember that. What I know that she told me, is that she was all sick in the bathroom… and then I magically called a drunk Jake on the phone. Ha, now I really don’t know why I would do that. She said something about lovebirds, and I love you, and then Shenae? Yeah… I totally don’t remember that… maybe it’s best I don’t remember what I said or did. Hmm… after she drove me home, or I think…Then I had to pick up my car the next day, because we had left it at the club… being drunk, we couldn’t drive. So, my cars fine. SOOO close to getting a ticket though! Phew!

So, after that day, it was pretty normal for a few minutes lol I had taken some Advil and stuff, to help my hangover go away. I was online, and Jamie pops up and starts to talk to me. Amazing, working with him on set, and I still never see him lol So, it turned out he was lost and realizes that he’s back in T.O. What a loser lol So, we decided to hang out because, we just did haha. I go over his house, and we just talk. I kind of mentioned that I wore a skirt and was dancing on table with Deanna. Hmm… which brought us too: We decided to go out clubbing or something. Well actually, it was his idea. He said I have no opinion in this, so I had to go. We went and nothing much. Just danced, because that’s what you do in clubs lol and drank like what, 5-6 Martini’s. We got drunk eventually, but when sober pretty quickly. Martini’s don’t last long. Nice dancing by the way Jamie haha. I got to learn things about you I never knew before. Sorry I mentioned Jake’s name in the beginning. I should have known there was like some tension there. After getting bored of dancing, we went outside. We walked up to a hill, where the view was really pretty. We talked and then decided to head to watch a movie at the Theatres. It was some horror film, not nice. Yeah, I accidentally grabbed his hand in the middle… After that… I kissed his shoulder cause he was bugging how much it hurt lol…There were paparazzi there. Jamie said he didn’t like them * gasp * So I’m all like, "Lets run away." Haha, we didn’t really. Rude, but we went back to his place and hung out. We rehearsed lines, cause we were that bored lol Took some weirddd pictures. Hmm, Jamie looked like he was high in most of them lol kidding. Then we talked and I noticed it was snowing…so me being me, I wanted to go out and walk in the snow. We did that, just talking and yep! That’s when everything went slightly awkward. I start to think of Jake as Jamie asks me if he can ask me out… I told him it was something I wasn’t expecting… then, I ended it with… "We’ll see." I’m not sure what happened there… but I knew I still had feelings for Jake… Jamie got tired of walking, so we ended going back inside. We talked a bit more and after, the producers called us to set for a bit. So yeah, we went. Then right after, I went home all tired… But what we talked about was his parents… it was kind of sad to hear that he doesn’t get to see his parents often. Only like once a month. No one deserves that. That’s when it all happened… that’s when I wasn’t thinking and BANG… I knew I would feel thing later, like a smack in the face. He had leaned in to kiss me… I was out of it, even if we were both sober… but I kissed him back. And when I did… my life ended up in the garbage the next day.

When I was home, I got a text message from Jake. I read it, and it got pretty obvious he was drunk. He started to talk about Jamie, and then it all solved out to be that he knew Jamie and I had kissed. Of course, I asked him if Jamie had told him. He said he did. I don’t see why Jamie had too. I was going to tell Jake… on my own. It was something I did…He was hurt. I was hurt, for hurting him. He was right. I promised not to hurt him. He promised not to hurt me again… and I broke that promise… The answer to why I did it is now unknown. I used to have one… but now with all the questions that had been floated in my head… it all just disappeared. It’s not that I regret kissing Jamie… It was just a bad idea… knowing I had feelings for Jake… That kissed ruined pretty much everything with him and I… I needed to sort this out. I didn’t want what Jake and I had to break down because of what I did… I told him I would go to his house, so we could talk about everything. And, that’s exactly what I did. I went over there… pretty much in tears of guilt and pain… It was awful and awkward how we talked. The conversations didn’t get us anywhere really… It was upsetting… All I knew what to say was I was sorry. Which I was… he didn’t seem to believe me much. But I understand. I wouldn’t have believe me either… I needed air from outside, but he didn’t want me to go anywhere, so he kept my car keys with him. I ended up just going to the balcony for air… I just cried basically… I broke down a little… rolled up in a little ball on the floor…breathing like crazy, sobbing like mad…it was intense… everything was just going horrible… Until Jake appeared at the balcony…singing the song he wrote me. It was sweet of him, I could hear in his voice everything wasn’t completely fixed though. I stood up and grabbed his hand. I lead him back to the living room as I handed him an envelope…inside was a poem/lyrics I wrote for him… I wrote it not long ago actually. I’m not the girl who usually does stuff like that… but since I’ve spent time with Jake… I kind of changed, in a good way. And I’m happy… Well, once he read it… I felt the tension disappear. He kissed me, and said I would never lose him. I’ll always remember that.

Everything was great afterwards. So, I stayed at Jake’s for a good chuck of a time. We watched a movie together as we laid on the couch. We drank a beer or two, and ate some popcorn. The movie was kind of scary. Jake said it was a real story… and if so, urg, I’m going to remember it all tonight and have creepy nightmares. And who will I blame those nightmares on? Yeppp, Jake! I’m not a big fan of creepy movies anymore haha. We just talked pretty much, and I didn’t pay that much attention to the movie then I should have haha. After that, the day ended. I drove home and it got late at night when I remembered Shenae’s party.

Okay, so far long post. So I’ve realized haha. All right. Hmm… where was I? Oh yeah... I was supposed to like go to Shenae’s party, but I didn’t make it. Sully got sick, and I couldn’t leave her at home by herself. My mom and dad were gone, and my sister went out with her boyfriend. Sully wasn’t in a good shape to stay alone… so, you know how attached I am to her. I had to risk not going. But yesterday, Shenae and I talked online. I missed those times. But I don’t need to worry, because she’s my best friend all over again. Oh, which reminds me about Sara and Shannon. I need to email them.

Bye loves,

Miriam xoxo

[[pretend this post was awhile ago. cause im gonna be typing in a new one soon.]]


People do it, so can I. [Wednesday
November 23rd, 2005 at 11:50pm]
[ mood | Don't Ask. ]

Post anonymously:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note. It doesn't have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. And a hint to who you are

013 x KISSES

November 18th, 2005 at 6:40pm]
[ mood | okay ]

*giggles* Ha, what an intro. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm happy. What the heck?! I am! lmaoo

Yes, I am still in Montreal. I should be back this Friday. So don't fret which I doubt anyone is doing... It's weird how things can be so great at one point, then just die and become something totally dreadful the next. So, as you can tell...There is a couple things that's happen to me.

Wind Rat Shenae and I aren't friends anymore. Don't ask why, you'll find out eventually. Or you may already know. I actually don't even want to think about it. It started off with her and Jake having sex, then problems occurring with him and I. Then we (Shenae and I) fought about how stupid it was of them to do that. It led to other things. Then I was in Jake's dorm talking about all this. He felt real bad. He didn't know what to do. It was all real depressing. I didn't like seeing him like that. I don't think he deserved to feel like that. No one does.

Anyway, we were talking...and getting things out of his system...and guess who POPS up...Yeah, Shenae. I was actually thinking of leaving at that very moment. I couldn't stand there watching them talk. Who knows what about? I had my bags already in my hands, and I couldn't look at her in the eye. I was that upset. I know, I think I did over react just a bit... But that's how I was feeling about this, and I couldn't do anything about it... Shenae and Jake talked for a couple of minutes, and she left...Jake didn't want me to loose her as a friend...but, I knew I already had. I knew my friendship with Shenae wasn't going to be able to repair what had happened...It was too big of a problem...But he didn't want it to happen...so he dragged me to the airport where Shenae was...because she was heading back home to T.O...

What I was doing in the airport stays a mystery. I even asked myself that question...And the answer was, "I have no idea." Which means, I didn't care about her leaving back to T.O....But I made her stay in Montreal because I wanted to sort things out...and Jake wanted us to be friends too...so she came off the plane and we walked towards the bathroom. But before I left, I actually thanked Jake for bringing me all the way to the Airport. Then I kissed him on the cheek, then ran after Shenae. She was in a stall, and she came out later. We talked, but... it was like everything I told her wasn’t making sense to either of us. You could feel the tension between us. I think we both knew our friendship was already over. Her reactions to every word I say were something rude. Or, she’d roll her eyes at me. I don’t care; she never made any sense.

We left the bathroom and we found Jake. Then, we just headed back to where we had to be. But, Shenae and Jake talked for a bit again. And, now they’re friends. I don’t have anything against it, yet anyway… But I shouldn’t in the first place.

Later on, life just wouldn’t stop messing around with us. I felt extremely weird and alone, even though I knew I wasn’t, just because I didn’t have Shenae as a friend anymore. But, I think I’m gonna get used to it anyway. I still have everyone else (Jake and Ryan), and especially Sara and Shannon. I told Jake that Shenae and I had gotten into an argument not long ago. Yeah, so the waterworks appeared. Which is slightly embarrassing… But, he was real nice and was there for me. I owe him everything, because if I was at home. I’d be screaming my lungs out, and possibly punching anyone near me thinking they were my boxing targets.

Jake and I went for a walk, because I needed air from all the craziness. Then Cassie appeared; she had come to visit Jake… It seemed that Jake knew he had to confess to Cassie what he did. So he did, and I’m not to sure what they were saying… I had been siting far away from all the action. Until she walked away from him. I ran after her to see how she was. She nearly chopped my head off, so in the second try; I thought I would give up and let her be. So she could think about everything that was happening.

I ran to look for Jake outside, who had mysteriously disappeared when I went to talk to Cassie. Then I found him walking, with his face facing the ground. It wasn’t a good sight to see. I went after him because I knew he was taking this pretty seriously. I had to be there for him. We kind of talked for a bit, and I felt really, really bad for him. He kept saying stuff about death, and getting high. I didn’t want that to happen. Everyone has to face their fear of life. That’s just how it is. You have to concur it no matter what. If you don’t, you’ll never forgive yourself for anything. And that’s the most important thing you have to do. It’s to forgive yourself. Truly, I would have drunk some alcohol… but it didn’t seem that right thing to do with facing your problems.

It seemed like my feelings for him couldn’t stay inside any longer. I didn’t even know if I could look at him either. It was a crazy feeling. But I was just talking to him, and then it just seemed like I had to tell him…so my mouth told him I liked him… and that’s when questions appeared.

I woke up in the morning to find a note from Jake saying he was in the roof. He had been there since last night, and I didn’t even noticed. I couldn’t just live my life with knowing he was on the roof. So I went up there to check on him, and he decided it was time to go back inside.

It’s rather nice what he did when he turned back to his dorm. He made a song… and sang it to me… I’m still kind of speechless of that day… it was really nice of him, and sweet. And, if I didn’t misunderstand him, he likes me too. That does make me smile, but I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I guess we’ll have to let our mysterious future be created, and then figure out things from there.

I’m going to leave now. It’s getting cold, and it’s airport time.

Lots of love,
-Miriam xoxo

038 x KISSES

November 12th, 2005 at 5:25pm]
[ mood | Loosing it. ]

Hey my lovely friends,

I miss everyone back home. I think I might talk to Jake about me leaving back home earlier than expected. I just don't know if I'll make it here...I guess you could say I'm home sick. Urggg, I hate not telling the truth. I'm not home sick. I do miss everyone, but that's not the reason why I want to get the heck out of here. I miss everyone badly. I have promises I have to do for people back home as well. Like, when I get home. Ryan will be the first person I stop by to see. Then Cassie and I have to go partying, because we're wild and crazy like that. Cass, I cannot wait. Clubbing maybe? Hahaha...and my dear Lauren and Stacey...We need to do a slumber party...Girly night out ;)

So, I've been spending my time at the Library here. Don't go calling me a nerd; I'm just here because it's big and cool. They have internet, and I can drink my coffee and stuff...instead of being stuck in Jake's dorm all day. So, yeah. I've also been talking to Ryan alot. I totally miss him more. He's just an awesome friend when you need him. I needed to talk to someone really bad, and he was just there for me. To tell you the truth, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't speak to him that day. I so have to go and see him and thank him for everything. I just told him about me maybe liking someone, right? And that I have a feeling he might be falling for someone. Someone who I'm real close too...And I'm not sure what's going on between them...Like, it's a mystery. She just popped out of no where...and no one really know's what's going on at the momment. And I would never be with the guy, since he has a girlfriend. I respect that, and always have and will. But...I don't think she's going to be respectful like that...and if she say's she will...It has to be a lie. Ryan just told me that everything would be okay. And some other really nice things. I just...He's really great. No words to describe him. You should feel special Ryan =)

Besides that...Nothing to big is happening...I just feel a little out of place a bit. Like I should maybe leave to T.O earlier because with Jake and Shenae...it feel weird here. Shenae decided to go to a hotel...I'm not sure why. There has to be something behind that. But now Nae, who am I going to kick when Jake snores? Haha...and if you really do go...pick a nice pink hotel. Those rock! When are you going back to T.O? I can't help but think that something will happen....not for my sake...but for Cassie. I love Cassie a lot. And if something happens...she'll be really hurt! I don't want that to happen. She doesn't deserve that, or anything similar. She's been great these past days. Really happy....but if something happens...everything will be destroyed.

Well...I think I should leave...Shenae...we may need to talk.


052 x KISSES

November 8th, 2005 at 5:06pm]
[ mood | brrrr ]

Alright, so Lauren and Stacey... I am super sorry I'm not in T.O yet. I do promise you with all my heart I will be there VERY soon. If not, you may throw pillows at me till I pass out...even though that wouldn't be nice...

Wind Rat! I just can't wait to come back and see you again! Missssss youuuu!! I have a little present for you as well. =)

Casssiieeee, why must you hurt me? Haha. You LIED! lmao. You said you wouldn't say anything about Shane. Tsk tsk...I guess it's noticeable though. What a shame.

Jake spilled coke on his bed, isn't he bad! Agree with me, because he is! haha. I'm having a great time here. Even though I do miss some of my bestests friend over there...and surprisingly my sister too. But I miss SULLY! I have to see him! =(... I was thinking, should I go to college here? I mean, Jake's been showing me around this place. It's really, really awesome. It has everything, and anything you would want. Oh well, anything I want. PLUS, Free Tennis courts. That sure is something. But I'm not sure...I might have to go back to T.O and discuss it a little with some people. They can help me out... This might be tough. But, every thing's great here! I love it =)Great memories to add to my happy life! Especially some stuff that I don't know how it all happened... Psss, secret. Jake's been on the grumpy side lately. Kidding. =) Neh, I'm really not. Proof, he made a door hit me in the head...nice going lmao.

I miss shopping. I haven't been out and about to much...hmmf, someone is a little over protected..*coughJakecough* But that's okay haha.

Jake made me choose what to watch on tv...we watched some weird comedy thing. haha, it was alright. I felt like someone was starring at him during the show...kind of creepy. Then he went on about how we should play that weird game with 21 Questions or something like that...but I know it involved questions...I just don't remember how many...anyway...We're not even done that game. So, I better leave so he can finish thinking about those questions. Poor Jake, his brain just doesn't work as fast as it used too lmao.

-Miriam x3

021 x KISSES

November 2nd, 2005 at 11:04pm]
[ mood | Earache ]

Alright, so I am Montreal right at this very momment. That's right...I returned from London, then the next day left to Montreal! Crazy plans I have ahead of me. At least I took a year off school. Anyway, This is my second day here already. You guessed it! I'm here to visit and bug the heck out of poor Jakey. He loves it, he knows it. He wants to put lemon in my hair because it's yellow. Tell me about friendly. Oh well, at least its my POWER RANGER colour. Hehehhe.
Jakey made us get stuck in the elevator. He bugged me. I bugged him. Then for some reason everything went "unconfortable". Then silence...more silence...talk...and then he fell asleep on the floor. Hmff...He left me just sitting there in the elevator. FYI, I don't like elevators or small spaces. And this was my first time getting stuck in one...it sure was interesting, but I'm never getting in another elevator again.
I met this guy in the building on the second floor. His name's Ryan. Yep, Ryan. No, don't Ryan Cooley you silly cooks. Ryan. I don't know his last name, so leave me alone. But somethimes he's in his dorm, so I go over there and hang out, while Jakey ditches me for class. Jakey got angry at me today...he said that I shouldn't be hanging about with Ryan because I barely no him. He think that Ryan might rape me or something. Haha, poor Jakey. You need to relax. Breathe. That's it. I'm alive big brother, nothing happened. Yes, he's my big brother, and I'm his little sister...even know we are the same age. But he cares for me, which I totally like hahhaha.
I think I'm going to get prepared to attack tonight. I'm going to look for that axe soon, and maybe rope as well?
Oh, and for you jealous girls. That foreign bellboy is totally mine! He loves me so much, he actually tattoed my name on his forehead. How special! ....kidding, but I wish lmao.
Jakey doesn't believe he's strong. I think he is. Don't you guys? I even warn him not to hug Cassie to tight, he might stop the air from flowing hehe...
Stacey and Lauren...when is that night out with the movie?

-Mirry. xoxo

P.S: To my friends who live in the North Pole...Be happy...The Polar Bears won't bite, unless you bite them first. =) hehe. Hopefully I see Santa this year lmao.

019 x KISSES

October 28th, 2005 at 12:48pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Hey everyone,

Guess what! I'm sick =)....Yeah, it's not great, trust me. It's horrible! I have had this terrible cold for like what, *counts* 5 days now, I think. Urg...I'm going to blame it on the weather because it changed to damn quickly. It feels like winter already, it might as well just snow. Gosh, I miss my summer days.

So, did you hear? I am in London! Well, I have been here for quite a while with Lauren. It's been so much fun. London has always been somewhere I wanted to go. And I thank my dearest Lauren for this opportunity. =) I do love you indeed.
We've been going to lots of tours around London, and our hotel rules. Especially the hott bellboy, right Lauren ;) Everytime I mentioned the bellboy to Jake, he gets "uncomfortable" lmao. Poor guy. But, its the truth. The bellboy sure is something. And I sure love him. I get to call him everytime just to ask him to bring up some more towels. But I think he's getting the point ;)
I brought my dog Sully with me. It's amazing it all went well with him in the plane. But yes. He sure makes my day, makes me remember everything back in T.O. And of course, I payed for him to come here.

So, it was either go to London, or with Jake at the Caribbeanss. But, I had to choose London and Lauren. Sorry Jake, but you know I'm going to see you when ever I come back to T.O. Because I will pack again, and drive all the way to Montreal. Just for you. I'm expecting a souvenir . If I don't see one, I'll pass you my cold. I don't think you want that, do you? Hehehe. But I might go next time with Jake to the Caribbeans, so don't fret. Yep...ermm...what else has happened.

Nothing besides London and Jake, Lauren and the beautiful bellboy. Sighs, so hott. But did you know, in London its freezing cold like T.O. At night, its been raining and the sky is all dark and grey. What a weird place, but beautiful and interesting at the same time. I did some clothes shopping with Lauren of course! And I ACCIDENTALLY ditched her once. Hehe, I just had to check this store out. It was a mini-coffee place. It was so cute. Awesome coffee by the way. And they have the coolest computers ever. I am so going back to that place before we leave here.

Oh, guess what Jake. I'm taking some eeky medicine now. So I should be well soon! :)

-Miriammmmm xoxo
*kisses* Eww, I hope I don't pass you the cold virtually. =)

Oh, and I OWN JAKE lmao! So Cassie, do not worry. I am not a bad owner, so you can't sue me! =]

013 x KISSES

October 19th, 2005 at 1:25am]
[ mood | happy ]

Hiiii. Miriam McDonald here !!
I'm not sure what to say, besides that I'm an actress who basically lives on the set of Degrassi. But on my free time, I do take dance lessons. Dancing is something I enjoy doing evenly with acting. I usually only focus on Ballet and Tap, but I also take Hip-Hop. I was born on July 26, 1987...yes, I am now illegal for all those boys out there ;) I totally love Shakira, she's great. Of course, my house wouldn't be the same without my German Shepperd. I play tennis as well, which I totally love !! My sister is also the best; did you know we have our own made up language? I don't even know how it all started, but I like to call it Alien. haha
My acting career didn't start off with Degrassi, I had been in other shows before that. But I can tell you that Degrassi did make my name slightly more known then before. I started off simply by sharing my voice in 'Ripping Friends, Pecola and YTV'. In YTV, I was the person who read the advertisement when there was a commercial break or something. But my voice was only used in the mornings. After that, I appeared in System Crash as a little sister. That's when I auditioned for Degrassi, got an agent and the part. It was the most blessing thing ever. And just recently, I have been in Life Time's Movie, 'She's Too Young.'
I went to a high school which was basically gaurded for athletes and people who like arts. Only three people from the Degrassi cast went to my school; I'm not bragging, I do love them all !! All I gotta do now is finished College and voila! I'm free!
It's amazing how everyone started off in Degrassi when we were so young, and now most of us are headed to University or something similar. It's quite funny if you think about it real hard.
Now, I'll stop being serious about life. Are you wondering why I even have LJ...AGAIN? Haha, because I'm a loser that's why. No, I won't say that about myself. Are you crazy. I just got it 'cause I was bored. That's how dull my life is when I'm not shooting. But it's always good to have a way to keep in contact with your friends and your thoughts especially.
I think I have finally ran out of things to say. Besides that I rule, and that my two families rule as well. Haha, yes...my 'real' family, and the cast of Degrassi. I love you guysss! x3

Comment now! You know you love being nosey about my life :)

-Mirry x3

P.S: Don't you just love this layout? Haha, it was last minute. What could I do?

0114 x KISSES

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