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16 October 2010 @ 04:26 am

Going to start updating more. I swear I feel better when I do.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

10 December 2009 @ 02:28 am
Single white female. 22. Stereotypical hopeless romantic. I keep living in the fairy tale that every little girl dreams of: a white knight rides in on his steed, says all the right things, and sweeps me off my feet to my happily ever after. The older I get the more I realize, he's not coming, or at least not in the package that I'd hoped for. Maybe, he won't be wearing a suit of armor, or his steed will be a beat up Honda Civic.

I've realized something. I won't be the stereotypical princess. Sure, I'll cook for you, if you don't mind lots of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and scrambled eggs. (Not together of course. I may be simple when it comes to cooking, but I'm not disgusting.) Hell, maybe if you're really lucky, I'll run the sweeper every few months and call it housecleaning. But I don't come with a small flock of woodland creatures. I won't be at your beckon call. I don't plan on being a stay at home mother for the rest of my life.

If you're looking for someone you can order around, who's going to wait on you hand and foot, please, keep moving along. If you're looking for someone who's going to sit idly by and not say a word when you're wrong, then I'm wrong for you. If you're looking for someone who's going to laugh at your jokes when they aren't funny out of pure sympathy/fear of your disappointment, then I feel sorry for you.

I plan on being a genuine part of my significant other's life. I want to be not only a girlfriend/fiance/wife, but a best friend. I want to be the one he comes running home to tell his accomplishments to at the end of the work day, and shoulder he can rest his head on when things don't quite go his way. I don't want to complete him, but add to his life, and I expect the same in return.

I've finally found out that I don't need someone else to complete me. I need me to complete me. I need my education to complete me. A job. My independence. Financial security. Mental stability. I'm growing up. I'm maturing. It's taken years of broken hearts and getting beat up by the world and the people who inhabit it to finally realize that.

I'm not quite ready to settle down with Mr. Right, just right yet. I haven't even found him yet. And I'm actually pretty okay with that. I still have so much to do with my life. And for right now it is MY life, and I'm not quite ready to share it with anyone else just yet.
16 June 2009 @ 01:11 am
In the past two years I have said and done things that I'm not proud of. In fact, some I'm actually ashamed of.

I wish I could take it all back. Every last word. Every last..

I'm sorry. And I've never been more sorry about something in my life.

I've said things to purposely hurt you. Done things subconsciously. Hooked up with your friends. Talked shit. Hoping that it would get back to you. Hoping it would hurt you. Hoping it would make you feel as empty as you made me feel.

And it wasn't the relationship's demise that hurt me. It was the complete and total loss of a friendship. Loss of trust. Loss of empathy. Loss of.. sanity.

The way that I've felt over the past two years isn't something I'd wish on anyone. So many times I've wanted to sit you down and tell you this. Not to make you feel bad, but so I can have closure. For you just to listen to me while I say it all and cry.

I need to see you, but I'm absolutely terrified. I'm afraid that I can't handle the sensory overload that I'll get when you're around. The way you smile. Sound. Smell.

I never thought I'd have to apologize for hurting you and betraying you like I have. If anything, it's been me wanting an apology or something. Some kind of something. I can't deal with not listening to my heart anymore. Especially when my heart's actually leading me in the right direction this time.

I need to see you. Just once. Please don't be angry or hurt or offended if I run at first.

This needs to happen. Otherwise, I'll be living and wallowing in my past for the rest of my life.

Or at least until I get that lobotomy I told Mom I wanted for my birthday this year.
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: wish you were here - incubus
Tonight I spent time with someone whose company I enjoy very much. Probably more than I should, actually. But we were at his favorite spot sitting around and talking. Being around him relaxes me. Probably shouldn't.

But after I came home, I just started thinking. Thinking about how I don't have a job. I don't have many friends. I'm lonely for affection from a man. More than anything else I thought about how unhappy with myself I am.

I'm unmotivated, unhealthy, and unhappy. No, life isn't good for me right now, but I have a home. I have food. I have a family that loves me. And a cat who is better company than the majority of the people who live here in town. I need to remind myself to be grateful for what I have. And to stop worrying about what I DON't have.

Besides, I know I deserve happiness and a good life. I just have to make myself believe it. I'm absolutely self-ruining. And this has to stop.

Its time to develop good habits to replace the bad ones. Time to wake up with my alarm. (The first time it goes off). And time to bust my ass until I get a job, irregardless of where that may be.

I can do this. And I WILL do this. And I will be okay.
16 May 2009 @ 01:36 am
I'm sad, hurt, and confused. I'm torn between doing what my heart wants and what my common sense knows is right.

Soyeah, I'm mostly just sad.

12 May 2009 @ 05:46 pm
Here I was ready to type this huge entry and I end up sobbing all over the keyboard. I'm in worse shape today than I was 2 years ago when Morgan broke my heart. I'm absolutely completely ready to die. And for whatever reason? I'm just not scared now. Maybe it's because I realize that my family would be SO much better off without me being a "disappointment". An "embarassment". And it would be SO much different if I was just thinking these things in my head, but I'm not. Mom confirmed all of those things today. She's so absolutely ashamed of me. I've never been so hurt and miserable in my entire life. I'm just ready to go.
10 May 2009 @ 10:03 am
Turns out that I was absolutely correct about friends not being friends.

One of the guys basically talked shit about me behind my back to try to get sex from ANOTHER one of my female friends. Yep.

Not only that but half of them are so fucked up on drugs or so far up someone else's ass that they can't think of anything but themselves. I bust my ass on a daily basis to be the best person/friend I can be and I basically get a handful of poop back. Yes. Poop. It's that level of seriousness. Where I can't say shit, but I have to say poop because it's the only thing that will describe the situation properly.

- - - - - - - - - -

In other news, I may be getting a job either at the hospital or Kroger because my ex manager at CVS is a fuckass. Yes. Fuckass. What's a fuckass? Don't listen.

Also, my entire body is sore from events that shall remain totally unsaid but more than appreciated.

Yes. Life blows big donkey dick right now. But I'm still alive and I have a roof over my head, and even though she might be a bit nutty, I have a mother who loves me and would give me the world if she could.

- - - - - - - - - - -

FURTHERMORE? If you don't know the whole story? Keep your mouth shut and don't let people read my texts. OH GOD I can be an obvious anonymous butthole too.
Current Mood: crankycranky
18 April 2009 @ 12:43 pm
Expecting good things out of this day, irregardless. Away from all the shit that's stressed me out for the past few months. And away from the self centered people I used to call my friends.

Fuck. Yes.

Get ready Huntington. Here I come :)
15 March 2009 @ 01:55 pm
There are some people in the world that you think you'll miss for the rest of your life. For whatever reason, they aren't with you anymore. It could be actual distance, emotional distance, or the inevitable death.

I realized today that one of those people I thought I'd miss forever..

I don't miss anymore.

And you know what? I'm okay with that.

I haven't seen this person face to face for almost 2 years now, and it's given me a lot of time to think and reflect. To see more of their thoughts and actions as a faraway unbiased party.

Every little thing they did set me on fire and made me want to do more with life. And now? I just feel sorry for them. Trying to go about life in such a way that they'll always be remembered. But not in a positive fashion, no. In a way that will make them look ridiculous and arrogant. In a way that will make those of us that spent time with them wonder what we had seen to begin with. Sure, there's potential, and without a doubt success later on in life. However, it's not necessary to say things in such a philosophical way that you're deep down secretly hoping someone's writing all of them down and silently memorizing them at night, so that one day they can stand at your memorial service and spout them off one by one until all that's left of you is a bunch of tripped out meaningless words that you thought you were actually impacting lives with. When in all honesty, most people shrugged it off as acid banter and moved on with their lives.

The saddest part, however, is that there are true amazing bits of things that this person says. Meaningful things that did in fact move me. But they weren't meant to be that way. And those are the things that people who aren't lying at your feet worshiping the ground you walk on because you're different, will miss out on. Because of the way that you've come across for so many years.

...I don't miss him anymore. Not as a lover, and certainly not as a friend. Things you think will break you down in life certainly do make you a better person in the end. Things you think will make you ache on the inside forever do in fact dull and begin to fade.

For the first time though, I feel like I can finally start my own life, and that's better than any moment he and I ever spent together.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: paramore - let the flames begin