Today i've been so depressed.. I can't help it.
I talked to D again, I was happy for a few minutes.. Hung up and reality sunk back in.. He doesn't want me like I want him, apparently.
Once I get gastric bypass I know i'll be happier. It's inevitable, I have to. I can't live like this, not anymore.
I've had it with everything & everyone.
So I am assuming that information because a line of about 50 cars just drove by my dorm holding down their horns screaming "hell yeah G-MEN!!". Hmm, so I guess it was an interesting game that I had missed.
Alot of shit has happened this week, tons of homework.. I'm sick again.. and on Wednesday i hung out with C & Mac.. It was interesting.. Who knows what may happen..
Thursday I went to all my ridiculous classes, sociology 11-1215, criminal justice 230-345 and then abnormal psych 525-755.. After that I came back to the dorm and got ready for the club and left the dorm around 10 pm with my friend Noelle and we drove to the club.. We get there and decide to go to Tuxedos & we go in and there is absolutely no one there.. but low and behold who do I see? D.. So i'm like great, this is just great.. so we sit down at the table and talk for a while and stuff and around 11 we decide to leave there and go to Horizons which is across the street.. so meanwhile we are both wearing skimpy shirts and no jackets.. so we wait outside the club waiting to get in and finally get in and we had to pay $5 because it was past 11 but it was totally worth it because i saw D's roommate E there and I always thought he was sexier than D by a long shot anyway... So we go in and we're getting into the music and dancing and shit.. I liked that club a lot more than the clubs I used to go to in New Haven because it wasn't as crowded and there wasn't scummy looking people there.. So we're dancing and like 15 minutes in some guy comes up and starts dancing with me and then around 5 minutes after that someone comes up and dances with Noelle so we had a fun time.. but once i got out of there my body ached so bad and I couldn't hear anything. So that night I slept pretty well once I finally got back to the dorm..
Friday morning around 945-ish I started the trek home and it was raining & hailing.. it was an intense drive and it took forever because of all the ice and the rain.. it took me around an hour and a half to get home when it normally takes around a half hour.. so it was quite annoying.. I then hung out with Alyssa after i took a long ass nap and we went over my uncles house.. went to the mall and got more belly rings and stuff.. then we slept at southern.. nothing that exciting and the next morning i went home..
Saturday me & Alyssa got into a fight.. long story don't feel like typing it all out but it's all resolved now.. today I went to my uncle's house with my cousin Candace for the superbowl.. but i feel like absolute shit so I left early and drove back to school.. which is where I reside right now..
and Wednesday I have to drive all the way home to go to the doctor's to see what requirements I need to meet to get the gastric bypass surgery.. I hope I meet all the requirements because I want the surgery ASAP hopefully i'll be done with all the tests by June and then i'll be able to get it and be all set with everything.. Because yeah, that would be bangin.. oh yeah and then Wednesday i'm going to the mall to get clothes to wear to the club and then getting a fake ID downtown & coming back up to school later that night.. and Thursday i'm going to the club again, Alyssa is coming up and maybe Noelle will wanna go too. so who knows.
People in my dorm building are really annoying running up and down the halls screaming and shit.. Jesus Christ shut up already.
So, i'm sitting here talking to my friend C from facebook, he goes to my school & he seems really cool. We made plans to hang out tomorrow, I can't wait to see how that goes. It should be good to get my mind off of certain people and I really do think we'll connect because we like a lot of the same stuff.
I saw D once today and I didn't really feel much of anything, although I did smoke with him last night and we took a walk around the school and stuff. It was fun, ya know. But I really don't think there will ever be anything between us after what he did to me, I will never fully be able to trust him, ever. Yes, I did like him a lot but thats the past, and I need to focus on the future and the well being for myself.
I really hope that something can happen for me soon, I really do want a relationship, I truly think i'm ready to commit to a relationship again, I miss feeling loved and wanted and being able to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will never judge me.
I've just been so down lately, I can't help it.
So, D apologized to me today, and gave me hugs i've been missing.
I can't get over him, I like him so much & I even opened up & told him I was falling love hard with him.
On another note, I went to my music appreciation class today and it was ridiculous, I hate it already.
I reserved my apartment for next year today & paid the deposit. I can't wait, my first very own apartment.
I wonder if i'll ever be able to forget him.
So, I can't really get D off of my mind, it's really hard... it didn't really occur to me how much I liked him until the whole thing blew up in my face..
I'm currently attempting to do a shit load of homework for criminal justice and sociology, while attempting to talk on AIM, type in here and try not to freeze to death/ fall asleep. i'm so itchy. goddd
I need a job, like crazy, I actually went to places today and just about hmm.. let's see... NO one was hiring. Lovely, I must say. It is absolutely lovely that no one is hiring, and my old job never called me back because Carmel Petterson is a faggot apparently.
I'm so god damned tired, someone kill me.. please.
Okay well, i've been back at school now since january 22nd and let me tell you.. it's way harder than last semester.
I have so many assignments its completely ridiculous, I don't really know how I am supposed to keep up with all of this stuff. >:0
Okay so, this guy I was falling in love with.. we'll call him D, has been behind my back with about 4 other girls.. and those 4 other girls also did not know about each other.. I just think he is completely and absolutely retarded to mess around with that many girls who all go to the same college, as if girls don't talk and won't find out about each other. So yes, it broke my heart and I just couldn't believe he would do that.. Even though we weren't officially a couple, we were still doing things couples did.. and he had told me he liked me and I believed him, obviously i'm stupid.
I just need a guy that will not treat me like a whore and who will love me for me. Like seriously.