"I made practice runs down to skid row to get ready for my future. I didn't like what I saw down there. Those men and women had no special daring or brilliance. They wanted what everybody else wanted. There were also some obvious mental cases down there who were allowed to walk the streets undisturbed. I had noticed that both in the very poor and very rich extremes of society the mad were often allowed to mingle freely. I knew that I wasn't entirely sane. I still knew, as I had as a child, that there was something strange about myself. I felt as I were destined to be a murderer, a bank robber, a saint, a rapist, a monk, a hermit. I needed an isolated place to hide. Skid row was disgusting. The life of the sane, average man was dull, worse than death. There seemed to be no possible alternative. Education also seemed a trap. The little education I had allowed myself had made me more suspicious. What were doctors, lawyers, scientists? There were just men who allowed themselves to be deprived of their freedom to think and act as individuals. I went back to shack and drank..."
Charles Bukowski - Ham on Rye
Today I got my two Kombucha cultures in the mail. I've started my first generation gallon, which I named Jehova. I haven't started the second culture because I don't have a nice glass gallon home for it yet.
I'm just worried that my house is too cold to brew in. It's supposed to be at atleast 70 degrees. ahh. Fuck winter!
I've been thinking a lot about tattoos lately.
My mom had an idea for all us girls to get matching tattoos. Probably I think, because she's sick and maybe because she was left out when my sister and I got ours. I think that it'd be wonderful. But she wants to get like, an angel, or something fucking stupid like that. I don't know. I love my mom. But I'll be really upset every day to look at something that I don't want or believe in on my body. I was thinking, maybe, we should get Bees. Or a nice circular design. or a circle of bees. yeah!
I've also been thinking a lot about other things.
about how i stepped on my ukulele and cracked it. but it still plays.
about how i NEED to make my appointment to get my banjolele fixed.
about how i can't wait for the house to be finished, so I can stop feeling like I have an obligation.
I hate how I always feel like I have obligations. I guess it's come with having a guilt complex. There's really nothing that i HAVE to do. But I make myself worry about it anyway.
I think that Ren is coming with Brakk and I to the NW. I know that we can stay Laura in oly. and mike in b-ham. but i'm stumped after that. I definitely don't want to stay with Jen again. I love her to death, but I almost lost my mind last time. Perhaps the situation will be different. OH and we'll stay with Gramma betty, and she's make us swedish pancakes and little bed-nests in the loft.
Ren, I think, wants to fly out. And I'm not down with that. Or really understand her reasoning behind it.
ahhhhhh shit i don't even know. i'm so spacey.
anyway. we've got a 12 pack and a 40 oz. I havent drank in over a week. this is going to be weird.
Why do I feel like a I need constant validation?
being cool in comparison to me doesn't make you a better person.
your shit don't stink.
I'm in a damn awful mood.
Grendel died on Friday, while I was far away from him. So I've just been miserable since then. I get shake this shit off.
My trip isn't going as I thought it would, but I'm still having an okay time. I guess it's strange that the stupid piece of shit people I used to know are enjoying their lives more than myself. It's really a waste of space in my brain to worry about it.
We were supposed to go down to Olympia to visit laura and isreal. But we're up in Lakewood visiting brax other dad again.
We saw Karmyn off Saturday night. And spent the day bummin around Seattle. I got a little squeeze box to keep me busy. It's bright purple and red. It squeeks and creeks because it's bran-fuckin-new.
Jen's apartment is starting to drive me out of my mind I think. The smell of cat piss and rotting garbage, added on top of the fact that there's no room to even stretch my legs.
We know a bus to georgetown. We'll leave for there this week. I feel like saying fuck it.