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I went to your concert, and I didn't feel anything. [entries|friends|calendar]
Sister sister, flower power lover.

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[07 May 2010|02:02am]
I finally watched this show on discovery health I recorded about anxiety called anxious...
Stuff I've heard and seen and felt before, but new stuff too.
At some point I just thought of being able to ride a ferris wheel and enjoy the ride and view instead of completely losing my shit, and it actually made me cry.

[15 Apr 2010|06:21pm]
I have stuff to sort out and deal with and fix and alter.
I'm incredibly happy.
I have goals and plans.
I found the person I should spend the rest of my life with. I'm completely in love, content, and I want to marry John one and have his children. Seriously, Joy wants marraige and babies.
I know!
I'm making a beautiful home with him.
I'm making a full life.
I could practically cry.
I did yesterday out of frustration and progress, but now...happy tears.
I don't think I've ever felt happy enough to cry before. Ever.

[14 Apr 2010|01:38pm]
I wish my parents would grow the fuck up.
Realize they're married over-50 adults, not 12 year olds going steady.
Think about someone besides themselves, even just each other would be a welcome change.
I just wanna hake and bitch slap them and yell "UM DUH fucking sack up, talk, fix, appreciate, understand, listen, care- act like you've reached any level of emotional maturity whatsoever or love each other in any way that isn't all about yourselves!"

[07 Apr 2010|06:45pm]
Today is John and I's 6 or 7th month anniversary! 6 if for dating, 7 if for boning (kinda slutty, sure, but with six years of build up, in retrospect not so bad especially when considering we spent every moment after together regardless haha).

Probably do taste of india and moonstruck (I refuse to call it dondees) or whatever this evening.

Tomorrow, more work on the house- painting, blinds, cleaning...wallpaper will arrive soon, then we'll move in!

More lanterns came today, as did Melissa's dress for me, and a killer sushi dishware set for the kit I got.

Annies bday this weekend! Bummer to have missed Laurs, but she hit me up after a lawnggg ass day of hosue shit and I was half dead in the hot tub lol.

Loads of fitness and health coming my way.

Stuff's coming together, going great, feeling wonderful, only getting better!

Just bought him flowers, chocolate, and a queen card. :) haha

House updaaate [05 Apr 2010|12:03pm]
New house has almost exactly the same adress as my parents'.
We closed on the 30th, it was owned by an indoor smoking hoarder, SO...
thus far we have gone through the single room they still left filled with shit, taken boxes upon boxes to thrift and trash, and been cleaning tobacco stain out of EVERYTHING...
We've replaced a broken sliding glass door, getting ready to replace cabinets, fridge, and a dishwasher we don't have...
More cleaning...
Measuring, painting, and wallpapering to come...
Fixed up the master bath...the other is a hot mess, too...
Put a paver-pad in the back...
LOTS of lawn work done and much more to come...Paint outside eventually, fence, swing...
Fun trees, gardenia, pecan, citrus...
Yucky toxic shed we cleaned but is crazy rusted...
I found furniture for living room, kitchen, most of John's office, our room, ect.
It's so sixties, if that's your thing, you'd be really into it.
We've been so busy and tired!
I can't wait for it to all be done!

[24 Mar 2010|04:48pm]
I'm so sick!
Fucking bronchitis or whatever I have, but it definitely feels like bronchitis.
Fucking cigarettes.
Fucking addiction.
Fucking carcenogens, chemicals, nicotine, cancer, heart disease, emphazema, ect.
I wish John were here to cuddle me and give me rubbies and make me tea...
I wish antibiotics were just one pill that worked crazy fast.
I wish I'd never started smoking, or that cigarettes never exsisted.
I wish I was enjoying this lovely day instead of fighting to stay awake so I can sleep tonight and be coherent for a 9am Dr.'s appointment.
Think I'll garge some warm salt water, eat some honey, maybe cry a little?
ughhhhhhhhhhhh blehhhhhhhhhhhhhh bahhhhhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhh arghhhhhh boooo hoooooo

[03 Mar 2010|05:49pm]
WE GOT A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eeeeeeeeevrything will change [24 Feb 2010|07:05pm]
We should technically be closing on the house in TWO mere days...on Johnny Cash's birthday!
We still aren't sure, meanwhile...that we're even getting it.
It's been so touch and go and stressful.
I've got cars to look at lined up.
I'm getting my GED...minus, perhaps, the math which I truly need practice with beforehand.
We'll be doing A LOT of work to the house for some time before moving in, which I don't mind because it will be clean, painted, renovated, fixed, homey. And I want to spend as much time with this as my home as possible, because the transition is freaking me out more than I expected.
I'm applying at Holmes Regional, hopefully with recommendations from Kristen, Karen, and Skylar...and hoping to get a job for Shantavia, too.
Joining my mom and Gina's gym until I get insurance and can afford dank ass Health First, near work and new home.
More shoots coming, and still photos to be edited.
Building a nice port.
Trying to have a new bike built.
Catching up with old and fallen friendships.
New babies and marraiages and loves surround.
Visiting Granny with John and parents around March.
Cousins may take a trip here to visit, I haven't seen them in ages, some of them especially!
John and I's birthdays are fast apporaching...maybe travelling this summer.
I meet more and more of his family all the time.
When I'm settled and together and confident enough, and have had a bit more success conquering my anxiety, I can finally start school without being terrified of wasting money failing classes.
Veganism's going awesome and feeling great.
Smoking WAY less pot.
Becoming a better chef.
Considering vocations beyond AA study, fun classes, and the vain attempt to be a film maker and 'activist'.
Things are coming together, slowly but surely.
I'm so happy with John, my family and I get better all the time.
I'm excited to be settled and routined and healthy and sane.
I'm excited to eat and cuddle and watch a movie and have a beer and maybe bowl and stuff with John tonight.
I'm treasuring things.

[14 Feb 2010|08:25pm]
My Valentine's:

I was awoken by John with gorgeous purple and white snap dragons in a deep purple antique 1950's vase.
Also my Sun Ra albums had arrived.
The importance here is that John and I shared our first and my first ever slow dance when he dj'd at our dear Kristen/Eric's wedding to Sun Ra's Don't Blame Me...the most romantic song of all time. We both love Sun Ra. The song's on the album Deep Purple...the color of the flowers and vase...and released around the time the vase was made.
I hung out with he and his parents and Bammy and nieces and nephews for awhile.
Went home to be VERY pleasantly surprised by an perfectly clean room and bathroom for John and myself from my parents and little brothers, who are saints and worked hard all day to do this for us.
My brothers gave John a box of fireworks, which we immediately set off in the yard, and where we also all jumped and flipped and played on the trampoline and told 'that's what he/she said" jokes...all including my parents.
And John blew up my canned beverage. Three times.
He went home for dinner, I stayed home to chit chat and play with my brothers.
I've been organizing my beautifully clean room, eating a veggie burger, putting in my new record player, listening to the tapes Bryan sent me from Austin all with my little bro for company while he downloaded Boonedock Saints 2 on his psp for me.
I just finally ordered a new adaptor for my printer so I can fill another photocase and send shoot photos to my Granny.
John's on his way with hard drive for some new music and my stuff so we can eat and sleep over here.
Tomorrow if all is right with the realtor John, my stepdad, my mom, myself, and perhaps my brothers will be going to our possible new house to inspect some things we'd need fixed.
I found my glasses, they are not lost.
Tuesday I can drop off my laundry and dry cleaning, and soon all my posessions will be clean, organized, and ready to either stay where they are...or be moved!
Also, soon KC will be making my new bike, which i can ride with john and Goose.
In short...excellent day, and more to come.
My family and my boyfriend and his family...are amazing, and I love them so very much.
Now, I'm going to listen to some Pale saint, Faith Healers, Promise Ring, Leonard Cohen, Sun Ra, King Tubby, et cetera, and enjoy my amazing day/evening.
Hope everyone's Valentine's Day was as majestic as mine! : )

[11 Feb 2010|08:06pm]
I don't know why or what it is, but when I'm completely overwhelmed and ready to shit kittens and tear my own face off with dread and obligation...
something about simply making lists returns my sanity.
To do's, to buy's...it's great.
It transforms my sense of frustration and lunacy into a zen-like state of harmony, peace, excitement, accomplishment, control, and hope.

Tonight I need to lift some weights in preparation for things to come, take some shit to hit the hay early, get up early tomorrow, come home, and clean the shit out of my room. I can then enjoy my weekend, return Tuesday to sort and deliver my laundry to be...laundered. I actually may wait until we know more about the house so I can do ALL of it and move in fresh and organized.

Ahhh. I just want to maybe get some drinks with John...go home and blaze and eat and watch something and cuddle and have sex and sleep my face off.

Things are looking up!

We may close within two weeks, I'm able to be more proactive about the job getting and help a friend who needs it badly...car should be coming together soon, more GED info, school eventually, gym membership, new bicycle...ahhh. Relief, sweet relief.

And soon, I can only hope, the peace and privacy and harmony of John and I t last having our own place.


fuckkkkkkkk stupid don't bother reading [04 Feb 2010|07:29pm]
I hope we get this/a house soon.

It is so impossible and exhausting and irritating scraping to keep clean and organized and in control of all my crap in so little space.

It's just wayyyyyy too much shit and wayyyyyyy too little room.

I'm so frustrated!

It's going to be so surreal to have ALL our shit in one place...and for it to actually manage to look and be scarce...sans, perhaps, the closet...s.

As messy as I am it may be hard to believe I actually much prefer cleanliness, I simply never have the time or room to keep it so.

When John and I have all this new room we can finally be organized, tidy, and CLEAN- as in no cat pee or poo, no knocked over trash and ashes from being squeezed in, no clothes and towels littering the floor and furniture, no empty bottles, no shoes to step on, no spilled sewing kits...ughhhhhhh I CANNOT WAIT.

Idk how much longer I can stay sane dealing with this!

No more moving our crap between each other's homes, carrying computers, food...I'm losing my mind.

I just want everything in it's place, our ONE place- not having to be moved or piled.

I'm seriously going to get SO many hampers.

FINALLY room to work out, shelves that aren't already full, a freakin' kitchen to put all my damn vegan cookbooks and food in! Plenty of drawers and hanging space for the plethora of clothing we possess! The books! The technology! The papers! Finally enough outlets for all the plugs and chargers! A backyard in which we don't have to hide our weed and cigarettes from children! No more John's stupid skanky ex coming by for weed! No more sleeping in a bed where she used to! No more crap-for-you food to smell and scrape to avoid! No more worrying about too-loud-sex and too-late-whatever! No more sharing laundry machines with 10 others! No more screaming kids or crazy foreigners walking in on us! No more worring about hot water! No more not walking around naked! No more tricky parking! No more trips to houses for mail! Only the trash, laundry, and cooking for TWO, not our families! No more clutter, no more insanity, no more bullshit! No more interrupted movies and kisses and sex and smoking! I can FINALLY have my punching bag up, a hot tub, baths and showers without locking doors or John's mom seeing me naked! No more sharing bathrooms when we're rushing or squeezing by each other or hitting each other with doors! No more John's drums and organ and school stuff crammed in a room where an airmatress has to be put up for relatives!

I am absolutely FIENDING for this peace and harmony.

All I can do to keep my head on is fantasize about the awesomeness to come.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! URGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lonelyyy [01 Feb 2010|11:23pm]
I guess it's because John's been asleep for SEVERAL hours...
and I miss my family, pets, and lumans...and friends...all of whom I don't see enough...
and I always feel somewhat lonely bc it's the human and ptsd condition...


[27 Jan 2010|08:27pm]
Some people are such assholes.
Some people are such gems.

hozanaheyzanazanazanahozanaheyzanahozanaaaaa [13 Jan 2010|03:01pm]
Everything is coming together in a huuuge way!

John has been qualified for his loan. The sellers are signing to a shortsale, thusly it appears the 5,000 dollar prepay veteran whatever they got themselves into should no longer be an issue...meaning- if all goes as planned- we will be moving into a wonderful home together, ideally before February 12th when John's Bammy (grandmother) arrives to steal our room at his parents' for several months. Also, I tried Indian food for the first time, and it is KILLER.

I am EXTREMELY close to getting a vehicle and car insurance, and am starting to lose much of my holiday lard. Kristen's baby shower is very soon, after which I will hopefully FINALLY be able to visit Ben, Elyse, Gab, and Olivia in their new home. Also, I should be visiting Amber for shows- Ian, and Burg when i go to orlando to shoot (which apparently will be happening a lot).

I'm already looking into the availability of the job Kristen and I have been planning for years for me- transporting at Homles Regional downtown- where she and her moms work (between John and I's parents' houses, near what I hope will be ours, right across from the gym we plan to attend AND near enough school for my learning and John's teaching, and the bar at which he dj's) and will provide me with much-needed flexible hours, good pay, and health benefits. I shall soon take my GED after some pathetic math prep. Also, I'm looking into vocational courses (mechanics, radiology, lab tech, dental hygienist, comsetology, culinary, bartending, et cetera) to take with my AA classes to tide me over after transporting while I work through whatever film school I decide on. In the mean time, I'm getting a lot of shoots lined up to make a great portfolio, and am finally starting to get paying offers that aren't creepy, fetishy, or porn. I'm thrilled at the opportunity to work with true artists whose aesthetics I adore and work I believe in.

I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Thought I'm too busy to spend time with anyone but John and family at the moment, soon I'll have the time and means to see everyone including my shrink.

I'm slowing down on cigarettes, weed, and alchohol (though I never drank much), and even the anxiety drugs I haven't needed much of but did depend on, and I'm going back down the vegan path with the detour of raw and organic foods, and beginning to work out and take much better care of myself.

All of the things I've been waiting and needing to purchase for years are arriving and on their way to me. I'll finally have room to not be a cluttered mess.

I am in love with a lovely man who treats me accordingly, and am having the best sex of my life. Things with my family are better (though hardly perfect) and I'm loving meeting and getting to know more and more of his.

Soon I will actually be a highly functioning and successful adult, it seems...intimidating a prospect though it is, I'm as excited as I am terrified.

AND the degrassis with Terri and Rick are on!

Life is good. :)
3 teach. learn.

whack dreams lately [07 Jan 2010|01:29pm]
my third grade teacher that might be a math prof on john's campus now on some kind of trip
some kind of trip with jeff, john, and josh's fam. wtf?
flips, stairs, backbends, sledding, sliding.
bog yard thing, burg, scary old people, lady with "Joy Balla I think" written on her hand? wtf wtf
much more
don't understand
Justin, my cousin, going off to war. I'm crying, "I love you. I'm scared." I give him a stained, girly shirt.
so much shit
so little sense

I THRIVE off sleep. My subconscious absolutely demands the lengthy rest and evaluation, meanwhile the dreams are either obvious or entirely indecipherable.
So what?

[04 Jan 2010|01:58pm]
I'm the best at loving,
and the worst at trusting,
and I'm so tired of being right.
Please, no more of this shit.
I can't keep dealing with it!
I never feel safe.
I always lie when I say that.

[21 Dec 2009|07:24pm]
I now understand why models have agents and hairstylists and MUA's and keepers...it's an impossible clusterfuck of information and plans to manage, even for an amatuer not remotely legit one like me.

[17 Dec 2009|02:20pm]


so much to-

[12 Dec 2009|02:46pm]
It doesn't matter what the reason is, what matters is if it's going to change or not...
because I cannot and will not do this again.

[09 Dec 2009|12:11pm]

I am so tired all of the time.
I'm so stressed.
Feels like swimming in a hot tub lap pool and expecting to cross an ocean.
I'm scared, I'm sad. I'm sore.
I carry tension like I can't believe.
So much to wait for, so much to do, so much to be over/underwhelmed by.
I feel so exhausted.
And lonely, which barely makes sense.
2 teach. learn.

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