so its the 4th, and i had a BBQ. nothing out this world. me and my grl got a tad tipsy. aint shit else to do these days. especially with me being ahh BLEH about shit. i like luis, i really do. but in all honesty i'm starting to get the idea, he just isn't that intereseted in me as i am him. i just don't get the reponse from him i did in the beginning. he never calls, never text me and we hardly see eachother. i mean i like not seeing him all the time, but more then once a week would be good. =( i dunno. today he called me and hung up. which obviously means he really didn't want to talk to me. so whatever i called back, and all he said was "i hate fireworks, its so stupid" just when i was going to invite him to go with me to see em. guess not. and im gonna go see'em with my grl, and she went and invited her ex. like WHY? now i get to be a third. i hate that. like great they'll be all over one another and i'll just be...there.
lets see how the night ends. im sure not all that well.
It's ironic how two people can do the exact same thing to a person, and that very same person takes it differently. Changes there reaction for the other person. Even though you did the exact same thing as the other one. How people perseve things differently just because who it may come from. I never saw myself as a mean person. A bitch, yes, maybe sometimes. But mean, never. Not a jerk, or an asswhole. I have a decent persona, most of the time. But somehow, this same person, views me as just that. A jerk, bitch, asswhole. Whatever it maybe. And no matter how nice i am, or thoughtful, or just decent, they never have ANYTHING nice to say about me. If you ask them to describe me, negative words always come out of their mouth. Even though they always say it playfully, they always do it. And sometimes I wonder, just becaues you said it playfully, do you honestly think that about me? Like why can't for once you say "what are you doing puddy pie" or something ridiculous and obscure. Something over exagerant. Why do I always have to be percieved with such negativity. I don't know if I am just blowing this out of proportion. But never once, have I ever felt that people think so badly about me until this one person, had not one positive comment to go along with the rest of the sentence to me.
just a thought running through my mind.
I been thinking about you alot lately. I miss you terribly. I don't show it much because I know that you don't want me to miss you. I know you don't. I remeber all the little goofy things we used to do with eachother. The waterfights, the walking in the park, the walks to the bus stop. The basketball games, the boyfriends and girlfriends. The singing really loud. Our first kisses. I remeber you were at my first kiss with louie, and as maria held our heads together, you counted 5 seconds. lol
I remeber waiting at the corner for you in the snow, late December. I waited for a long time. I missed the bus waiting for you. And the next day, I waited again at the corner til it was just too late for me to keep standing there in the cold. I don't remeber exactly how many days I waited til I decided to walk to your house and see what was up. All I remeber was your mom telling me you didn't live there anymore.
I remeber you and me spending all whole summers together. Playing outside with Lacey and Nikira and Christina. How we used to play the mystery game and see who killed who. And I remeber you and me walking home and you pushed me into a building lobby and asked me if I ever tap kissed anyone and I said no so you kissed me with your juicy lips.
I was so excited when you came to visit me before my birthday. I think I woke everyone up when I screamed you name. And I remeber hugging you and not wanting to let you go away again. I didn't want to let you go. You showed me your blood beads and you little stories. I told you about my new boyfriend (jon). I'll never forget that night.
I remeber how you never wanted to come inside my house cause you were so afraid of my father. You said he looked like a convict. I had never laughed so hard in my life.
I don't know if you ever hear me when I talk to you. But I do check in alot. I like the think that you couldn't tell any of us what was going on. It's more comforting that way. I never had a best friend like you. We never fought, just cause we knew tomorrow we would be laughing again at the bus stop. How you just had to hook me up with Kenneth when I saw him. How you and Zakiya were boyfriend and girlfriend and she took your green heart lolipop and you got so mad. How you and Maria got married and you got on the bus with a suit and showed me that 25 cent ring with a green platic jewel.
I love you so much, and I never will forget you. I can't wait to be together again. It was always about you and me. And it always will. Hope your sitting reading this as I type it. I love you. Byee
There are times when I look above and beyond
its over. point blank.
i don't need you. i heard enough. Not only did i play stupid.
not only did i make up stories for your mystery disapearences.
I LOOK LIKE THE STUPID ONE FOR YOU!!!
HAVE HER. GO SEE YOUR BABY `SMILEZ`.
SHE MUST BE IMPORTANT IF YOU SAVED HER TEXT MESSAGES.
SHE MUST BE IMPORTANT IF YOU GO SEE HER IN MY.
SHE MUST BE IM PORTANT TO TALK 2 EVERY NIGHT.
THE NY TEDDYBEAR. THE NY KEYCHAIN. THE NY SHOT GLASSES.
THE TRIPS TO NY. IT ALL FUCKIN MAKES SENCE. AND I DON'T
EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THE WAY I DID THAT NIGHT.
im not happy. im never happy. behind my smile...im not happy.
i realized alot last night. that mayb we really just were NOT meant for eachother now.
maybe he is supposed to not come back. maybe i really am not good enough.
that's what he says, that i don't know how to treat him.
is that the same as saying "your not good enough?"
How wasn't i good enough. I threw you suprise parties.
I took you to the wax museum for your birthday.
I took you with me to my christmas party in NY with my family.
I spent every thanksgiving with you. I spent new years with you.
I took care of you when your back hurt.
I took care of you when you got jumped. I let you go clubbing.
I spent my every day with you when you asked.
I let you pick the movies. I helped you study for your permit.
I tried to put a smile on your face when you were mad at the world.
I stayed up late to do your projects. I stayed up taking out your braids.
I did everything in my power to make you happy...and all you can say is
"I can't be with someone with you, you don't know how to treat me right."
I no I did bad things. I no I kissed someone else in the beginning.
I no I danced with someone in front of you and I made you mad.
I no that I picked on your every move. I know I accused you of being with Monica.
I no that I wasn't perfect. I know i have growing up to do.
That's why they made second chances.
And all you can say is "you don't know how to treat me right"
If I could erase all of my mistakes...would you come back?
If I was perfect, would you want me then?
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