Tags: news

cass, can you not

One of these is fiction.

cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news (Q&A)

It's Q&A time with the man who knows pretty much everything about everything, Dr. Clark Savage Jr! This time, we selected questions about the Man of Bronze himself.

Q: Is it true that you taught your assistants an obscure Mayan dialect so you can converse in secret?

A: No. It's actually pidgin Klingon.

Q: Do your assistants know this?

A: No.

Q: Did you participate in the development of the first nuclear weapon?

A: Yes.

Q: Then why aren't you mentioned in the Manhattan Project records?

A: I didn't say I participated in the Manhattan Project.

Q: Is it true that you can smell the fear of a man trapped in a dark room with you?

A: It depends. I usually just follow the sound of his heartbeats.

Q: Why don't you use weapons, even when innocent lives are at stake?

A: I don't like them. With training, willpower, and ingenuity, an unarmed person can best anything short of an small army.

Q: But what if you're facing an small army?

A: That's why I invented nuclear weapons.

(The Editor thanks Dr. Savage for his time, and desires to remark to local and federal authorities that Dr. Savage enjoys full diplomatic immunity, granted by President [Name Withheld] on account of his invaluable help saving the country, and indeed, the world, from the terrible menace of the [Name Withheld] from [Place Withheld] and their [Name Withheld] of Doom, and also because he has nuclear bombs.)
cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news (2)

The United States Census is a decennial census used by the US Government to disguise the fact that, as a side effect of their well-known secret tracking satellite network, they already know how many people there are in every city, building, and janitor closet in the country[*].

[*] Not including residents of shielded laboratory complexes, lost underground cities, time-shifted tesseracts, etc.

(It's an often-mentioned urban myth that Dr. Savage makes a FOIA request for his own whereabouts every April 1st, just to remind them that for some unknown reason the tracking satellite network cannot track him. While this latter fact is true, Dr. Savage lacks the inclination for pranks of this nature. This rumor seems to have originated in 1983, when Dr. Savage made a request to the NSA to digitalize all photographs in the National Historical Records taken shortly before or after 1908 and apply image search algorithms to identify himself, claiming that his own computing resources, while superior to those available to the NSA, were engaged on something he called "chronal transport calculations." Shortly afterward, one of Dr. Savage's aides presented a sizeable donation to the Soviet Union to be dedicated to agricultural developments in the Tunguska region, together with a curt and still unexplained handwritten note consisting of the word "Sorry.")
cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news

It's no accident that the LHC has first been run at operational capabilities so near Easter. Do you have any idea of how much energy does it take to bring someone back from the dead?

(The Editor wishes to notify the public that he has no knowledge of a rumored Huge Hadron Collider built by Dr.Savage in 1955, although knowing him, that wouldn't surprise the Editor one bit.)
cass, can you not

A problem of scale

Millions of Indians go to polls, notes the BBC.

Which is both true --- as the article explains, there are more than 700 million eligible voters --- and also a subtle indication of that BBC writer or editor being somewhat out of touch. Google claims there are 1,147,995,904 people in India, an absurdly precise but useful number. If the average Indian spends 5 minutes a day thinking about sex (a not unreasonable assumption), then you could go with the following headline at least once a day:

Millions of Indians are thinking about sex RIGHT NOW

Point is, lots of things are being done by millions of Indians today (and millions of Chinese, and millions of lots of other arbitrary groupings of people). Using the word "millions" in a headline like that is like saying that a new laptop comes with MEGABYTES of memory. Well, duh.

I think a better headline would have been Nearly three quarters of a billion Indians go to polls.

/random post is clearly random
cass, can you not

Sometimes we forget, but we are living in the future.

We live in a time when finding exoplanets has become a near-routine thing for astronomers. Think about that for a second. We are now officially used to the idea of being able to detect planets from light-years away.

It's the second most mind-blowing thought I've had all day.

The most mind-blowing thought I've had all day?

They have found an exoplanet in the habitable zone. Only five Earth masses, possibly rocky, capable of harboring liquid water. A mean temperature between 0 and 40 Celsius.

People. That's fucking... that's fucking awesome. Suddenly, the parameters of the Drake Equation start looking a hell of a lot more interesting.

The star is called Gliese 581.

I want to make another comment, but I'm just here gesticulating, trying to find the words. It's not as obviously history-changing as actually finding extraterrestrial life. But it's the path there. We didn't knew if there were any exoplanets. We know there are many. We didn't knew if there were extrasolar habitable planets. Now we have found another one (and two means there are probably lots).

We've found another planet. I don't care if it turns out it has a toxic atmosphere, I don't care if it's more sterile than Adrian Monk's cutlery.

The universe looks a hell of a lot more interesting tonight.