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Public Service Announcement

*taps mic*

Tom King is an asshole, and not in an entertaining way.

Thank you.


Is Batman Ninja

  • an AU? No, that'd have been a much less crack-tastic option.

  • racist? Well, yes. I think the local with the most lines mostly uses them to call Batman "Master" and swear loyalty to him, for reasons described but never fully explained.

  • an absolutely nonsensical mix of every known Japanese visual and storyline animation stereotype, with the Gotham players being mostly there as visual ciphers of themselves? That's the understated way of putting it.

  • insane? Damian has a monkey sidekick. Behold the mighty bat-god is a line actually spoken in earnest at one point in the movie. And I'm ignoring the truly giant, arguably spoilery points of insanity, although for something to be an spoiler it has to be a surprise in an apparently predictable story, and it takes about fifteen minutes before you give up on being surprised.

  • a glaringly unfunny, badly written, character-wise nearly worthless collation of animation frames? Yep.

  • visually pretty, if a bonkers hyper-pseudo-japanese style is among your things? I guess.

Bottom line: this would've worked better as "Grodd telepathic tech gets mixed up with Tetch's, some Scarecrow fear gas, and research-grade hallucinogens as the entire collection of Dick Grayson's old martial arts movies is uploaded into Bruce Wayne's brain, who has to stay sane through the ordeal until he can figure out how to wake himself up."


*handwaves in everlasting frustration*

The interesting bit for me about the mini-arc that ended on Batman #40 was never whether Bruce and Diana would sleep together, but rather those nice four decades of melee weapons combat practice Bruce got (and Diana, although she already has decades of experience, so the relative impact is less).

Everlasting Horde Dimension is, between the time speed differential and the fact that humans don't age there, one hell of a resource. Yes, you have to continuously fight an (everlasting, yes) horde of demons, but there are periods of downtime and rest. So, in theory, whenever Batman needs a couple of decades to learn a new skill (and it took him less than that to become the first iteration of Batman from scratch) or think about a problem, he just needs to pop there and work on it in-between fighting monsters (aka physical conditioning).

And that's just cognitive time. If you can find technology that will work there, set up a small base and rotating shifts, fighters protecting a group of logistic support specialists or even researchers, a damn outpost instead of just a person or two... That'd give Batman a terrifying logistical advantage, with computers orders of magnitude faster than anything else, apparently instantaneous technological advances, decades of knowledge and practice every other week.

Bruce has put himself through worse for less of an edge. He'd totally do it. (Granted, Tom King wrote Bruce acknowledging that he could fly, he just doesn't need to, which I'm sure is something he somewhat regrets saying every time somebody cuts his grappling line. In line with Bruce's very precise if awfully impractical line about what technologies he will and will not use — a Bruce that hasn't biotech'd the hell out of himself is, well, he's *canonical*, and maybe even psychologically true, but strategic nonsense — but still, well, impractical.)(As I keep going back to: ultimately, Batman is a drag on Bruce's potential.)

(See also: Ultimate!Reed's Dome, what he did with one, and what couldn't be done with those.)


Batman: Gotham by Gaslight

It's not uninteresting, but the thing to keep in mind before watching it — and what tripped me at the beginning — is that, tonally although not in terms of screen time, this is a Jack the Ripper movie, not a Batman one. The violent misogyny (with a side dish of classist crap) ranges from quite nastily explicit verbal aggression to, well, Jack the Ripper, right from the beginning, and it never really slows down. And there's of course classist crap and general squalor as its own thing.

Within that context, there is a practically sane and well-rounded Bruce Wayne, a quite fantastic Selina Kyle, Sister Leslie is aces, and, well, other Dickensian stuff. And you never get the impression that the movie (or our main characters) agree with the crap.

In short: up to you.


I've been catching a bit of The Mentalist as background TV, and I have to say I had forgotten quite how punchable Patrick Jane is. Clever guy, I like his (pre-Moffat)Doctor Who-ish avoidance of violence, and the amateur-helping-the-police setup isn't more or less implausible than all similar others, but, oh, god, he's a pretentious asshole, even when it makes things more difficult for the people he works with. Part of me wants to headcanon it as a self-destructive reaction to his guilt about his dead family ("suicide by enraged colleague suspect random bystander"), but of course his being a pretentious asshole contributed to their deaths (without going too far into victim blaming, mind you).

He's not as bad as John Luther in that sense; he's sort of broken, and I do feel for the guy. And while Patrick is a walking stressor, Luther oscillates between "breaks the law in violent ways to help innocents" to "breaks the law in violent ways to help himself." But Patrick's grating and insulting in counterproductive ways, and although he gets away with it because he's helpful and, well, the protagonist, I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who are impolite just because they can.

Most of them well-off white male geniuses, unsurprisingly. (Luther is a not well-off black male genius who regularly abuses whatever modicum of power he has legitimately earned through his being good at his job, which makes things more complex, Elba's great acting aside)

Insert here the obvious comment about the World's Greatest Well-off White Male Genius Who's Unnecessarily Irritating To People He Works With, Bruce Wayne, whose overall plan vis a vis the JLA seems to be they think of themselves as good people, so the more they personally want to kill me because they find me obnoxious, the less likely they are to attack me even when technically they would have the right to, or maybe just the newbies don't kill me because they think I'm tough enough to mouth off to the Clark, Diana, and J'onn with impunity, and Clark, Diana, and J'onn don't kill me because they are genuinely good and extremely patient people whose personal lines I've spent a lot of time profiling to make sure I never cross.

Batman #33

Things I consider headcanonical:
  • Bruce is about five years more emotionally mature around Selina than anywhere else, so that enabled him to do something normal like trying to carve a proper space for an adult relationship in his life (that's specifically a marriage isn't the important thing to me; I'm here for the Bruce Wayne can be happish and saneish without losing his memory and growing a beard stuff)
Things I feel very uncomfortable about:
  • Where Bruce's going, or rather some ideas as to what for. Why does everything have to be so dramatic, Bruce? Isn't the bat-themed everything enough drama? (No)
Things I consider not at all headcanonical but funny enough that I'm willing to accept them as professionally published fluffy fanfic:
  • The scenes with Alfred, Ace, and the boys (minus Tim and Cass; I choose to believe they are in some mall eating too many candies instead of buying the Halloween gifts they were planning to — the Potatoverse is my Earth-0 as far as those two are concerned) are not how I'd write them, at all, but funny on their own.


The Final Deduction

I might be missing somebody, but by my count three people in the DC Universe know that it's fictional: Animal Man, because Morrison's grasp of other realities is better than his grasp of his own, Joker, because he's, by definition, insane enough (and also because Morrison), and Batman, because he's too much a detective, and his life makes far too little sense, for him not to notice.

Joker thinks this is the joke. What can possibly, in any way, matter? It's a universe explicitly build for amusement, so he might as well amuse himself.

To Batman it makes no ethical difference. "Fictional" people suffer just as much, and they matter just as much. Philosophical implications aren't a priority.

It does have tactical implications, though. He always tries to win, always thinks there's a way to win, and he even tells you, us, why: He's Batman.

We just all misunderstand what he means by that (but not the Joker, not him, Joker knows Batman knows they both know).

It's also why he feels personally guilty about every tragedy. It's his book. One way or another, Jason died *because of him*, his parents died *so he would survive them*. Joker or not, tragedy stalks him because that's the nature of the fictional world, that's the nature of Gotham as she's written, but what else can he do? He has to keep trying, save as many as he can whenever he can, plan for the fantastic because that's the kind of world he lives in, take the guilt and the pain because then, maybe, the others will be spared some of it.

Endure the nightmares, the darkness, the endless pain, the insanity, the horror of a battle he knows he'll never be able to win, because that's probably the price of Gotham's existence.

  • The silent moments between Selina and Bruce, her kindness and the way he accepts it, are very realistic and nicely done. You seldom see that kind of unspoken tenderness in superhero comics.

  • This story sets up Nygma as Joker-level crazy. Not just Joker-level capable, but Joker-level insane, far beyond his usual compulsions.

  • In a heartless way, it's nice to see Bruce, for once, traumatized by something sensible that has nothing to do with Crime Alley or Jason. One aspect of maturity is the ability to feel good or bad about more than one or two things.

And the spoilery one...Collapse )

That's not a Batman, not even a broken one

It's something of a trifle next to the deep ridiculousness of the "metal" plot device, but the way the "dark Batmans" collapse in so psychologically and aesthetically improbable ways makes it impossible to take it seriously.

Batman going "wrong" isn't impossible, or implausible. Owlman is fun (except when they show you how much of a vicious creep he, naturally, is), and I've had enormous amounts of fun with the idea, from a Bruce Wayne who kills to one who built his own prison/asylum under the Batcave. You can even break the current Batman into something worse.

But you have to do it plausibly, and the end result has to be consistent with who he is. These Batmans definitely aren't; at least so far, they aren't shown as Bruce Waynes who went through very different lives, but rather as near-canonical Batmans who had a Bad Day (which is a very Batman thing to happen) and responded to it in an overly dramatic (also a Batman thing) but not Batmanish way.

That also goes to the core of my distaste of Injustice. It's not that I dislike dystopias where a canonical Superman kills somebody and then takes over the world (ah, A Better World, what fun we had); I dislike dystopias where a canonical Superman kills somebody, takes over the world, and starts behaving like a petty, insecure, sadistic tyrant. (I also dislike Injustice in that the worst possible outcome *always* happen; there's a difference between horrendous tragedy and a sadistic universe.)

A quick complaint...

... based a bit on this week's Flash tie-in of the current multiversal nonsense over in DC, but mostly on Frank Miller's — and you can see his yucky thought-fingerprints in that
comic — vision of a Bruce getting older or already old.

In Miller's eyes, Batman wins, he's Batman, because he's preternaturally macho. He's tougher, stronger, faster, and gruffier (and also richer and whiter, by the way) than everybody else. He's testosterone with a cowl, driving a tank with bats drawn on it. He's the goddamn Batman. Bruce Wayne might shave as often as he wants, the stubble comes with the cowl.

So what happens when the goddamn Batman starts getting old? He keeps working out of course, builds himself an exoskeleton, puts larger weapons on his tanks, gets himself a very young, naive, and very female Robin, and generally speaking has a late middle age crisis. Because if who you are is solely based on your raw physical power, then getting older has to be maddening. Demeaning. Humiliating.

Miller's Batman, at some level, goes cuckoo because he's afraid one day some punk will out-lift him at the gym, and a journalist-and-or-lingerie model will go out with him.

Now, my Bruce... He's the World's Greatest Detective, you know. One of its greatest tacticians. A scientific polymath. He routinely defeats metas who are stronger, faster, tougher than him by a much larger factor than what separates a human at twenty from that same person at sixty. Make him, say, a seventy-years-old guy who's independently mobile and deceptively skillful at knowing where to hit you with his cane to very painfully disable you, but who of course would never willingly get himself in a place where that's going to be part of his plan, and you don't get a septuagenarian in an oversized bat-themed exoskeleton.

You have a detective who figured out 99% of everything fifteen seconds after he arrived, who has the personal number of and is owed favors by pretty much everybody in the planet with some sort of significant power or specialized skill, who can organize a very complex manhunt with his eyes closed and be waiting for you with a cup of tea at the place you thought nobody would find you.

And, yes, maybe he has with him a bodyguard with a discrete yellow "R" pin somewhere on his or her clothes, there to taze and/or kick your ass. But it could also be a whole SWAT team, or a kryptonian, or whatever will work best for that particular situation.

A Bruce Wayne who has, however unwillingly, given up on the whole dress-like-a-bat-and-personally-punch-crime-on-its-face approach is, and I know this is one of my pet peeves, a much more dangerous man. It could also be interesting for him to keep his physical skills: a Bruce Wayne who Gotham thinks is a clumsy playboy, but Jim Gordon knows is secretly the best damn consulting detective in the world (although useless in a fight), and the JLA knows is secretly also a genius tactician and engineer (but not somebody you send to a fight) would be funny, but it'd be even funnier if now and then a bad guy *swore* Bruce Wayne went all Shiva on him, and the Gotham comedy shows made a night out of it, Jim Gordon chuckled at the idea, and a giggling JLA asked J'onn to stop doing it. J'onn doesn't say anything, because he finds the whole thing as amusing as I do.

But I got distracted. In summary: A Bruce who can no longer fight worth a damn is one who's going to make sure you're toast *before* anybody has to fight you. If you're lucky, you'll find yourself financially broke and tied up in maddening unrelated problems before you got all the pieces of your plan in place, without a clear idea of how the hell that happened.

If you're less lucky, you'll be threatening Gordon to kill all the hostages, and then he'll add to the phone call somebody who'll tell you a lot of things about your past and your present you thought nobody could know, and he'll mention the names, current locations, and personal phone numbers of some people you *really* don't want to know those things, and before Gordon has to empty his pipe you'll be asking the guy if releasing the hostages will be enough to get him to back off or if he wants something else, just please don't do it.

If you're really unlucky, or happened to orphan somebody, he's probably not going to be anywhere near you, yet you're going to be writhing in pain from a very specific and totally untraceable accident for a couple of hours before the cops find you.

Bruce Wayne's held back by those physical skills of him, that's what I'm saying. Separate the crime-fighting from the fantasies of hypermasculinity, and physical frailty won't slow him down.

(PS: Batman Beyond is an interesting middle point: he stopped being Batman, but he never moved into being something else. A different sort of broken, I think.)

(PS 2: I wrote some stuff about Babs here, for obvious reasons, but that spiraled into something way too long, less structured, and incredibly more hairy, as, ultimately, Bruce has 99% of all textual and meta-textual privileges ever given to any human or fictional character, while Barbara, well. She's a badass, and, in a Borgesian way, I think she has often beaten *the writers*.)



cass, can you not

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