April 1st, 2010

cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news (2)

The United States Census is a decennial census used by the US Government to disguise the fact that, as a side effect of their well-known secret tracking satellite network, they already know how many people there are in every city, building, and janitor closet in the country[*].

[*] Not including residents of shielded laboratory complexes, lost underground cities, time-shifted tesseracts, etc.

(It's an often-mentioned urban myth that Dr. Savage makes a FOIA request for his own whereabouts every April 1st, just to remind them that for some unknown reason the tracking satellite network cannot track him. While this latter fact is true, Dr. Savage lacks the inclination for pranks of this nature. This rumor seems to have originated in 1983, when Dr. Savage made a request to the NSA to digitalize all photographs in the National Historical Records taken shortly before or after 1908 and apply image search algorithms to identify himself, claiming that his own computing resources, while superior to those available to the NSA, were engaged on something he called "chronal transport calculations." Shortly afterward, one of Dr. Savage's aides presented a sizeable donation to the Soviet Union to be dedicated to agricultural developments in the Tunguska region, together with a curt and still unexplained handwritten note consisting of the word "Sorry.")
cass, can you not

Comics! (Saving the Earth Edition)

Dark Wolverine #84: Danken's characterization has been all over the place during the Dark Reign. Manipulative mastermind or blood-lusting beserker seeking the ultimate bloodbath? We're getting the last one in Siege, but that doesn't jive with what came before.

Fantastic Four #577: It's amazing how much the contemporary Fantastic Four act and behave like the Four from Planetary. Of course, that was the whole point of Ellis' not-at-all-veiled critique of the FF, but the current run in Fantastic Four is quite explicit about them not really giving a rat's ass about the kind of stuff most of Marvel's heroes care about. The same month that everybody else is fighting everybody else on, in, under, or next to Asgard, Reed Richards is, I kid you not, drinking tea with his family in his living room, showing them an interesting picture captured by one of his private surveillance satellites around the Moon, and inviting them for a quick look-and-see.

And the guy has a point. While Osborn was getting stonewalled by two children, Reed had been studying frakking parallel timelines, and about to meet a near-omnipotent multiversal council made of different versions of himself. Richards could kill Osborn in five minutes without leaving his lab, and the Sentry during a lazy afternoon, but, frankly, it must be hard for him to focus on that kind of stuff. When he tries to, you get things like the Civil War which everybody ends up blaming him for, so I guess the heroes all talked with Sue and made a deal with her: they would look the other way at all the ontologically dangerous things Reed does, and if he ever tried to help them, Sue would stop him using whatever force was necessary (everybody knows she can take him).
cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news (Special Announcement)

The Editor wishes to reaffirm categorically that, to the best of his knowledge, there's no such thing as brain surgery that will convince a person of the ethical advisability of Dr. Savage's use of brain surgery for the psychological rehabilitation of criminals.

Any further inquiries on this topic will be handled by Dr. Savage's personal lawyer, Brigadier General Theodore Marley Brooks.
cass, can you not

Clark Savage Jr., M.D., comments on the news (Q&A)

It's Q&A time with the man who knows pretty much everything about everything, Dr. Clark Savage Jr! This time, we selected questions about the Man of Bronze himself.

Q: Is it true that you taught your assistants an obscure Mayan dialect so you can converse in secret?

A: No. It's actually pidgin Klingon.

Q: Do your assistants know this?

A: No.

Q: Did you participate in the development of the first nuclear weapon?

A: Yes.

Q: Then why aren't you mentioned in the Manhattan Project records?

A: I didn't say I participated in the Manhattan Project.

Q: Is it true that you can smell the fear of a man trapped in a dark room with you?

A: It depends. I usually just follow the sound of his heartbeats.

Q: Why don't you use weapons, even when innocent lives are at stake?

A: I don't like them. With training, willpower, and ingenuity, an unarmed person can best anything short of an small army.

Q: But what if you're facing an small army?

A: That's why I invented nuclear weapons.

(The Editor thanks Dr. Savage for his time, and desires to remark to local and federal authorities that Dr. Savage enjoys full diplomatic immunity, granted by President [Name Withheld] on account of his invaluable help saving the country, and indeed, the world, from the terrible menace of the [Name Withheld] from [Place Withheld] and their [Name Withheld] of Doom, and also because he has nuclear bombs.)
cass, can you not

I'm sorry about the spamming, but this had to be said

The second half of the online battle in issue #8 of Ghost in the Shell 2: Man-Machine Interface, is the most fantastic "cyber-battle" ever. There's VR involved (and, this being manga, unexplained naked female avatars), but this is nothing like the usual Matrix-like brain-damaged stunts. Here, just to give you one example from one bit of one page, one of the characters casually shuts off the energy grid of an entire region... to shut down a telescope... that had been overtaken by another character... to seek for an off-the-books space station... hosting a previously unknown clone of the world's most powerful supercomputer model... of which there were only supposed to exist three units, one of which had been hacked by the character that was using the telescope...

And don't get me started on the multiple cover identities (some of them at key high level positions), cybernetic bodies stashed all over the world, casual hijacking of all sorts of industrial and military assets, private research projects, and just general over-the-top awesomeness.

GITS2' Motoko Aramaki is who Babs would like to be when she grows up.