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Another queued request for my poor man's Timfinity dash...

I've met the future

A faker than fake Spider Jerusalem column written for onijade. PG18, as everything remotely having to do with Spider. Spider and his venereal diseases belong to Warren Ellis. Tim Drake belongs to DC.

I've met the future, dear readers.

While you were watching your favorite episode of Christian Goat Sodomizing Squad, I was busy shutting the door in the face of the future, evicting him from the anthrax-infested depths of my closet, running DNA tests to distinguish his thoroughly transvestited ass from that of my freakishly violent assistant, and generally trying to free my life from his quiet, disturbing stalking.

I failed. So let me tell you about the future.

The future isn't, as you have probably imagined, a rat-infested warehouse where decrepit, impotent ex-humans weakly weep while remembering their last jerkoff, so many years ago. No. That's your future, but, in the great scheme of things -or even in the not-so-great scheme of things- it's less important than a cockroach's fart, even before it was discovered that it was the prime cause for Global Warming.

The FUTURE is a small kid of somewhere between one week and fifteen years of age with enough computer abuse-induced brain damage that he is (a) inmune to the mind-destroying vortex of insanity that are my assistants, (b) as far as we can tell, completely asexual, and (c) has decided that he is going to be a journalist, and that I am going to teach him.

Alas, he seems also to be immune to bowel disruptors. So I'm keeping him, on the general grounds that he is smarter than fuck, I'm saving this years' murder budget for the local City Council, and that *somebody* in this so-called journalistic operation has to keep working on Free 4D Porn Day. And sure as fuck it's not going to be me.

My filthy assistants think he is cute, and are currently plotting to thoroughly debauch him, choosing to ignore -as usual- common decency, respect for youth, and the fact that he is gayer than a templeful of Elton Johners wearing live pink boas.

If he breeds, the days of drunk, drugged, sodomizing journalism might be over.

And you think I'm scary, you poor unimaginative bastards.

I've met the future.



( 30 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 20th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
*dies of the giggles*
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:31 am (UTC)
Sep. 20th, 2006 06:26 pm (UTC)
*giggles* Oh dear. You *are* thorough.
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:32 am (UTC)
It's something else to add to my CV, at least. *g*
Sep. 20th, 2006 06:55 pm (UTC)
Holy crapdoodles that's perfect. Perfect Spider voice, perfectly recognizeable Tim through his eyes.

*awards you a gold star*
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:32 am (UTC)
*blushes* Thanks!
Sep. 20th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
Now that is seriously cool. ;-)

Tim is clearly the new black - he goes well with all universes.

In fact there is probably an uber!Tim somewhere, sending his clones out into the multiverse, to sort them out.
Sep. 21st, 2006 12:38 am (UTC)
(no subject) - onijade - Sep. 21st, 2006 08:00 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - __marcelo - Sep. 21st, 2006 11:33 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - onijade - Sep. 21st, 2006 01:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 20th, 2006 07:59 pm (UTC)
Tim is the little black dress of the DCU-and-environs-and-beyond. Lovely.
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:33 am (UTC)
*g* Thanks!
Sep. 20th, 2006 08:06 pm (UTC)
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:33 am (UTC)
:P It was fun to write, to. Glad you liked it!
Sep. 21st, 2006 12:39 am (UTC)
:D :D :D
You = rule.
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:21 am (UTC)
Re: :D :D :D
:D You = only too kind.
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:36 am (UTC)
Awww. Thanks *so* much. I was wary of writing Spider's voice, as it's very specific and well known. I'm glad it worked for you!
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 21st, 2006 06:08 pm (UTC)
I am now afraid of The Future.
Sep. 21st, 2006 11:23 pm (UTC)
You? Never.
Re: :D - __marcelo - Sep. 22nd, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 21st, 2006 09:14 pm (UTC)
Since this is a Spider article, I'm allowed to go: FUCK YEAH!!!

^__^ That was completely on! Snarky and cynical and funny and TIM!!!!

Lots of love to you (without most of the STDs).
Sep. 24th, 2006 10:59 pm (UTC)
Since this is a Spider article, I'm allowed to go: FUCK YEAH!!!

Heh. That's one of the nice things about writing Spider. Glad you liked it!

(One of the bad things is waking up in the middle of the night, cold sweat puring from my temples, wondering what Warren Ellis might do to me if he finds out... :P)
(no subject) - cosmicastaway - Sep. 25th, 2006 04:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 24th, 2006 02:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, Tim. I, there's just... nothing else to say to a fic like this! Nothing but warm and snuggly and uncritical love.
Sep. 24th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC)
:D Thanks so much!
( 30 comments — Leave a comment )


cass, can you not

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