(no subject)

so, last night i was going to kill myself.

see, i joke about it constantly, because in reality, people who talk about it often and mean it seriously are looking for help. but for me, if i was showing signs, or if i was talking excessively, no one would respond because i talk about it all the time, and therefore, no one would stop me. [exactly what i was trying to achieve, by the way]

so i had the perfect plan, slitting of the wrists, running water in the shower, blood wouldn't coagulate too quickly so i wouldn't have to cut as many times as i had done the previous time, and then spend so much money on scar-hiding cremes and shit for when i went to the asylum or whatever. AWESOME!

so then, i decided to be responsible about it and take care of all of the things that i was responsible for, i signed my apartment over to alex, and i started deciding who would take care of my baby birds and such. henry was going back to my grandma, but the rest of them were going various places.
diego to jerome, because he always loved that bird and wanted one, the buttons to anneliese, because they were hers to begin with before mine died, the pigeons to my sister, because she loved those little things, and the two doves to cody, because i remember that once he mentioned how much he liked them because they were so gentle and quiet.

i started petting avery and kissing her all over, and she started making some noises, and then i went to my computer and began to write letters to everyone. anneliese's ended up being about a page and a half, megans was a little less than that, i wrote a paragraph to brandon, but he's such a druggie that he probably wouldn't even remember who i was... 2 pages to victoria... and then i got to cody's and i ended up never finishing it, because it just sounded sooo rediculously stupid, i dont even know.

the day had consisted of me trying to fix my car. i ran to the shop, bought a tire for way more than i could afford, which caused my rent check to bounce, and then i hitched a ride into town [me and the tire] and then i got a ride from a nice old man that put the tire on for me, and then jumped my car about 5 times before it finally started, then i went to go drive it, and the mphs were always '0', which in reality would be nice... and my wheel wasn't turning... so then, the nice old man followed me in his grand marquis all the way back to the shop, and i started to cry and begged pete to help fix my car, but i told him that i had no money, so he took back the new tire, put an old one on, and fixed my car, calling it even.

if he wasnt lynns dad, i dont think it would have been considered a fair trade. but then i drove home and the house was a mess from belindia's lack of caring for my time, so she left her stuff for me to deal with. and i opened the mail, and got a $178 electricity bill... so expensive probably because belindia likes to leave her heater on while she's gone... and then another one from UMM telling me that i am not allowed to drive on school property for a year because i drove the wrong way on a one way street. IT WAS 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. NO ONE WAS COMING... AND I WAS BACKING UP!!!!!!!

yeah, so anyways, i was writing a letter to cody, and it just sounded so rediculous, that i went to call him and talk to him instead... but when i called he wasn't home, so i hopped in my car, and with the $20 that the old man had given me i drove to cody's house.

(no subject)

so, you've found my journal, and believe it or not, it's

(and if you can see by the picture, it's very, very close friends only. how appt.)
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