that i want to give up. on everything. on friends, family, school, work, life, as much i can.
the only thing i don't want to give up on is seeing cris. what the fuck is wrong with me? he lives friggan' three hours away, and he's my best friend. ever. i don't keep anything from him, except for the one major secret i have that no one knows, which i'm probably going to tell him. AND DONT ASK ME WHAT IT IS CUZ IM NOT GUNNA TELL YOU!! anyways why do i have to be like this. i'm like this with two guys, you know who they are, and they know who they are, but they aren't even going to be here.. one obviously isn't already but soon the other isn't. i fucking hate this.
I just realized.. that my relationships with so many people are complete and total bullshit. and i'm pretty much fake. within like.. the past 2 weeks, i've decided that i wanted to start smoking((even though im highly allergic to the smoke)), and that i want to go out and get drunk. ive decided that i want to become pregnant (wtf) even if it means getting kicked out of my house, and losing my chances at a good education. it's like i don't care about ANYTHING anymore and i just want to bullshit my way through life forever now. i feel like i want to die. i seriously need fucking help.