||[29 Aug 2005|09:49pm]
|| what the fuck
I feel so empty. I haven't felt like this since Shane broke up with me in December so why do I feel like this now?
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life and no one's "on my side." I feel like I've lost some of the best friends I've ever had and it absolutly sucks. It's like everyone's having a good time but me, even though I am. Lately I've been listening to songs that are about break-ups, or death, or leaving this place to go somewhere else. I want to run away and never come back. I cut my hair for a change and now I want an even bigger change. I want to lose all this weight but lately all I've been doing is eating and it's not working at all. I need to lose weight but I can't. I need to have someone to do this with or do this for. Whenever I talk about it with this certain person they tell me that they love me just they way I am and I don't need to change or lose weight and that I'm perfect in their eyes. I hate my "look" and I hate the fact that I feel like I need to change. I'm sick of wearing clothes so big for me, and feeling like I'm to fat to wear clothes that actually fit me even though I'm not fat. I'm so self-conscious or whatever because I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I don't feel good enough for my mom, for my grandparents, the rest of my family, or my friends, and I absolutly hate feeling like this but I do and I can't help it. When I'm around one group of people I act different than I would around another group. Or around one person than another. I have felt like I've needed to cry for the longest time but the tears just won't come out. I feel like I'm emotionless and I don't know who or what caused it. I think I need to go to a doctor. I need to find out if I'm bipolar or not because I feel like I am. I just want to seclude myself until September.
I don't want to go to work even though I love it there.
I don't want to have the pool party for youth group anymore.
I don't want to go to George's Island.
I don't want to go to Georgia.
I don't want to talk to anybody.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to write in this anymore but it's the only thing I have to vent.
I don't want to visit Cris anymore. What the hell?
I've lost all feelings I have for anybody.
I don't know who I can trust or who I like or who I hate anymore.
Except for Carlo. I know I can trust him with anything.
Jenna, I'm sorry about everything I've said to you, and all that good stuff.
Dinny, I'm sorry for kicking you in the stomach but you really did deserve it.
Why the fuck am I like this?