April 19th, 2005

(no subject)


I think I'm going to stop going to youth group. I feel like I'm not wanted there anymore, so there isn't really a point in going. Usually when I go now, I'm completly ignored and I hate it. I don't fit in with anyone there except for one person who rarely ever goes. I think they know who they are, and if they don't. . .  they should.

I really want to go to Georgia, but on the other hand I don't. Sure it'll most likely be fun, but if I feel how I do now I don't think I'll enjoy myself very much unless that one person goes, which I don't think they are. I wonder if this is how Kayla felt after her and Joshua broke up, cuz' I've felt like this for awhile and it wasn't like this at all when Shane and I were together. Or maybe it was and I just didn't recongnize it.

I don't know. . . I hate feeling like I'm not wanted anymore. Lately I've been so depressed and I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past two weeks. I hate it so much. Like, I can't deal with this anymore, I don't show it at all but all I've wanted to do for the longest time was just cut myself and bleed to death. Yeah it's depressing but it's true. I haven't done that obviously, but I hate the fact that Cris lives in New Hampshire and Anne is in Spain for another 2 months. I also hate that my mom wouldn't let me go to New Hampshire by myself to see Cris. All I really need is to get away from everybody and everything and just be able to get everything out to Cris, cuz' I tell him EVERYTHING, and he's the only one that actually understands me for the most part.

And yes, now I am admitting now to the entire internet capable world. . . that I yes indeed like Cris. And I like Dan. I don't care who sees it or who knows. I don't care if they see it or know, I just need to get it out, and don't try to stop me from liking them because I won't stop because you want me to.

Oh and I doubt you're going to read this because all I can sense from you now is hatred but. . .

Shane - I feel like you hate me or something. I just want to be friends, it took me awhile, but I am finally over you, and I know I am over you. I can just tell. But anyways the point of this is that I feel like we haven't talked in forever and that's what makes me feel like you hate me. Like I did something wrong so now you can't talk to me, or like if you talk to me you'll get a disease or something. Which leads me to believe that the entire youth group doesn't want me there anymore. I remember every little thing you have ever told me, and I'm probably never going to forget anything that's happened between us, or what you have said, but I'm just going to have to deal with the memories cuz' I can't erase them no matter how much I want to.
And I want my Napoleon movie back. You can have it if you give me the 25 bucks I paid for it. Just give it back cuz' I'm sick of waiting, and I'm sick of people taking my stuff and never returning it.

Nehhhh, I'm done complaining for now.

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