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Where are you? [24 Jul 2018|05:12pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Nope, I still can't get shit off of my mind. It's been a week & two days now. Yesterday was another Monday he should've seen Eric.

My brain is looping repeating thoughts. Where are you? Where did you go? Why aren't you here? I feel like he should still be here. I feel like I should be talking to Eric about what he & his dad did at work, like I should be hearing how he went & had Eric go get them ice cream.

I was trying to get better about this, but Eric's sister asked me to help her look through a lot of old family photos to find any with him. By the end of the night, while I heard some funny stories & saw some really old pictures (including a possible high school photo) I just couldn't stop thinking, "How can a person like this just not exist anymore?" I can't wrap my head around it. He doesn't exist. He's gone. He's been cremated so there is nothing left. How though? He was just here. Two Mondays ago, he was just in Salem with Eric, watching the store while Eric went to Portsmouth. I spoke to him. He's supposed to be there on Mondays.

I hope things finally stop looping after Friday. I feel bad because I should be there for Eric, & I'm trying to hold up. My brain just can't wrap my head around all of this though, especially because he was also my boss. I considered this a family business because he helped put this together, he worked on this for a long time, he worked on this together with his son. I think of how I last saw him here, driving that lovely Challenger, walking through that door. His son...

He is the one who helped mold Eric into who he is today. He's the one who spurred Eric's interest in cars, in the music he likes, into racing. Eric is the one who got me into many of these same things. All of these things make me think of him because he's the one who showed Eric these things, brought him to the races as a kid, spent months on really detailed & complicated model cars. (So much detail & work, his work has been featured in magazines specializing in model cars. It wasn't just put a kit together & throw some paint on it. He did SO much work. Eric & I hope to have a couple of his models for our home that we can display, as that was one of his favorite hobbies)

I gotta go. I'm at work yet again, & I don't want to stop mid-thought. Not that they're organized anyway, but still...

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Some more thoughts to pour out. [22 Jul 2018|10:00am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I wasn't going to write today, but my laptop kept coming up with Wordpad windows, so maybe it was trying to tell me I should.

There isn't much new on my mind. Same as it's been for a week now. Well, a week tonight, since I found out the news on Sunday night a week ago today. It's a Sunday I'm at work. There's a racing event going on somewhere. It's raining. All I can think of is that final Sunday that Del had tried really hard to invite me with him & Eric & Robin to the races. It's not Dave's fault, & we had no idea... I'm trying not to be mad or upset, but I can't help it. I can't help but feel angry & sad that my last chance to spend time with him & his family outside of work, where he could truly be himself & we didn't have to be so mindful of things like at work, & I lost out on that chance. I'm kicking myself thinking, "Why didn't I try for Ron? Couldn't I have found SOME way to make it work out?"

It also hurts to think about that because of what Eric said. It sounded like he had some things he may have wanted to get off of his chest. Eric told me how for a long time, Del tried to like me. It wasn't something personal, he told me. He just was worried about finding someone he felt was good for his son. I think that maybe I may have finally earned Del's approval for his son. Did he want to say something about it? We could've spoken, & that chance is forever lost. I feel like things are left unfinished. I think about what Eric said & how I thought I had misheard Del when he said "I love you" when we ended our last conversation.

I can't stop thinking about that. It's going to bother me for a long time. Again, I know it's not Dave's fault. He had no idea, I had no idea, & it was within a week's notice. (Though I can't help but think of how many times I've had to swap shifts on short notice for him. That's my spiteful part of my mind talking.) I just wish we had that final conversation. If there was something he had wanted to say, I wish I could hear it. If it was hearing approval from Del, that would've meant a lot, even though Eric & I are pretty much a package deal.

That was something else that came up in conversation with Eric right after Sunday. He & I were talking, & there was all the legal matters with his father & his father's girlfriend. I spoke with Eric about it, & I bluntly told him that another reason why I had considered marriage was so that Eric would be the one to legally have say in my matters for me, to make any decisions, to settle any affairs. (I don't have shit I could leave him, but if I did, I'd want him to have it) I told him that I felt he knew me the best out of anyone I have ever known, even my own parents. I love him like crazy, but if something ever did happen, I want him to be the one to make my decisions for me. Eric threw me a curveball by saying that maybe we could consider "getting hitched" once things settle down. Of course, my brain is trying to deflect it because the odds of that happening are slim, but it still scrambled my emotions even mroe to hear. (I say slim because part of the problem is the time & money involved, even for something casual & laid back, & I know Eric worries about what happens with stuff like your taxes when you're married since neither one of us knows how it works)

Anyway, I'm at work & I have to open here shortly. Like I said, it was like my computer was nudging me to get some thoughts off my mind. That last invite to the races, it's going to bother me for a long time. It did before Eric even told me that his dad may have wanted to speak with me, to "make things right" he said. Leave it to me to have work interfere in something major, yet again. *Sigh* I just would've loved to have one last conversation with him, & to see him laughing or having fun once more instead of talking about work. I'll cherish those memories outside of work, like Christmas at his house or our um... "Work excursions" down to Rhode Island. Those were so much fun, &  I'll always be happy he invited me, even if it was just to get to know me better.

Man Del, I wish you were still here...

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Scrambled thoughts. [21 Jul 2018|08:27pm]

So I'm watching the NHRA races right now, which is at Bandimere Speedway. Part of my brain noted that usually I'm watching this on TV at Telly's or something, as the Lucas Oil event used to be this weekend in July. (It always conflicted with the tattoo expo, so I was never able to go. This year, it's work that's keeping me from going)

It's a bummer to watch this this because I know Del would've been watching this, too. I can't help but think too that he was just here a week ago. Tomorrow makes a week that he's been gone.

My brain also can't help but try to punish itself. I should be there for Eric, & this is upsetting me so much. It's his dad, not mine, but it's really getting me down. The fact that it affects work does affect things some, but I feel so selfish because I've been upset & I shouldn't be. I need to get better at controlling my emotions. I don't want to be so mopey & I need to stop talking about this.

Then again, this is going to significantly affect work. A lot of what's here was by his hand, like the most recent expansion or the hand-written signs that the other boss wants me to take down & replace with printed signs. There's change coming, & the idea freaks me out so much. I'm not big on change, & this is going to be so sudden & so fast, it's overwhelming. Hell, even World of Warcraft is changing right now so everything feels wrong. I wish I could backtrack to last summer. Last summer was good. This summer, it's the summer of change, & I do not like it.

I need to stop focusing so much on this though & stop talking so much about it, at least until services are held, whenever that may be. No one wants to hear someone constantly go on about things.

Gotta run. I'm still at work!

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Final words, thoughts. [21 Jul 2018|11:54am]
[ mood | sad ]

I'm at work at the moment, so this will have to be short. I just felt like writing because I turned on the TV to find something for background noise, as much as I'd rather not have the TV on. It's Saturday morning, & with limited cable there's not much on. I did find Smokey & the Bandit on one of the channels I do get, so I threw that on since it's fine for mindless background audio, but then I realized something. The very last time I saw Eric's father in person was right here at work last month, right here at the desk I'm sitting at, & he was eating a sandwich while watching this very same movie.

I just hate how so much happens here at work. The last time I saw him was here at work. The last time I spoke with him was here at work. Most of the time when I receive bad news, I'm here at this very place. I was even here when I got the call about the fire. So much of my time is spent here, that most things happening happen while I'm here at work. I don't care much for this.

Eric told me something last night concerning his dad as well. When I last spoke with him on the phone, I do remember thinking it was odd how he felt like talking. He spoke with me for half an hour, which was out of the ordinary. When we wrapped up talking, I thought I heard him say "I love you," but just assumed I had heard wrong or he said it by mistake, perhaps out of habit from talking to his son or girlfriend. I didn't mention it to Eric because I was so sure I had heard him wrong. From what Eric told me last night, I didn't.

That time last month when he was stressing about getting that day off to spend at the races with him, Eric, & Eric's sister, Eric said something about how he just... Wanted to make things right. Eric made it sound like his father wanted to speak to me, to tell me what I had heard at the very end of our last conversation. I guess Eric's father spent a lot of time trying to like me, not because he didn't like me personally Eric says, but because he was so critical about anyone Eric was with. The whole "being good enough for his kid" thing, plus the age difference thing. I guess that's why he invited me over to Christmas dinner a couple of times, & invited me out with him a few other times when we'd go to Rhode Island, so he could get to know me better. It took a while, but I guess towards the end, I had earned his approval. It sounded like he wanted to talk to me about this, & it sounded like he knew the end was close. This makes it all more heartbreaking, especially because my coworker Dave said no when I asked to trade. I know it's not his fault, & I know there was no way we could've known that was the last chance for me to spend time with him & his family, but I can't help but feel even more upset about it & a little angry.

Anyway, this was kind of inspired by the fact I'm watching the same movie he was watching the last time I saw him. The fact that Eric told me that last night, too... It was good to know that I hadn't heard Del wrong after all. It was the very last words he spoke to me.

I should go, before I get really upset again. I keep getting blind-sided & nearly breaking down, & I can't be doing that at work.

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Another loss. [20 Jul 2018|02:29pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I had meant to do a better job of updating, but I didn't have anything really noteworthy to mention. There's the national races I went to for the 6th, 7th, & 8th. That was a lot of fun. It's just that there's been a turn of events that's honestly put that out of my mind, & I haven't had the energy to write until now. Even now, it's a struggle. Even responding to tweets on Twitter is just too difficult, & I've been putting it off.

I wish the weather had been better for the races, as Eric's father Del was thinking of coming if it wasn't too hot. Unfortunately it was very toasty the last day, so he decided to stay at home since he wasn't feeling all that great. I remember last year he showed up for finals, but after Terry McMillan's dragster blew up & clean-up took a while, he ended up having to leave because he wasn't feeling well. I wish he had been feeling better, as it would've been nice to see him come out & have fun.

The next day, I spoke with him on the phone at work when I had tried to call that store in hopes of catching Eric. I had missed him, & I had expected his dad to be rather short/abrupt on the phone like he usually is. No, he actually chatted with me for a while. He asked if we had fun at the races, then immediately went into asking if Eric was walking okay. Eric has something wrong with his left leg & it looks awful, & initial clinic visits & antibiotics didn't do anything for it. He's been meaning to go back, but there's been no time or money. Del was stressng about how all Eric had to do was make an appointment & he would cover him. We also talked about Eric's car insurance issues, which involved some crazy stories about poor run-ins with insurance companies that Del had. Like the story he told me about how his Porche got hit by a huge rock, bouncing off the hood & smashing the windshield. He was told that it could've been avoided if he hadn't moved his car from the driveway that day. Pretty stupid, but it's an insurance company. We've heard our own load of bullshit, no thanks to the fire & that lovely company that put us through the ringer for it. Eric's mother came up in conversation of course. I'm guessing Eric may have mentioned the lack of a dividing door or complained about the food odors, as Del was asking about that & was in agreement with me that Ric's mother was being stupid about not finding another person to install a door. All in all, the conversation brushed on insurance stuff, Ric's mother, but mostly Eric's health. He did mention something about making a recommendation for pain management when I mentioned my bad knee, & how I couldn't use the crawl-cubbies Eric's mother gave us as "closets" because of it. That somehow tied in when talking about the door thing & how he wasn't sure of the set-up of the house, & so on.

He & I talked for about half an hour on Monday the 9th. Eric had tried to call in, but I ignored it because honestly, how often do I talk to his father? How often does he actually feel like talking to me, especially when we're both at work? I'm glad I stayed on the phone with him as long as I did though. I had no idea it would be the very last conversation that we would have.

Sunday, the 15th, I went to my brother's for the first time in a while. I'm not gonna lie, seeing my brother's picture of the Papa John's pizza he ordered that got us our free tickets & parking pass for the races made me want a pizza from there. So I got up there, we went to Best Buy so my brother could stock up on some movies, & we did a couple errands before heading back to his place. My mother stopped by & joined us as we watched a ball game & had pizza. Some thunderstorms came along, but just missed us. We could hear the thunder & we got a little rain though. (Funny how storms seem to accompany ill tidings...) She left & my brother & I watched his new copy of Fury on his TV, & I headed home shortly after that. I got home around 8:40 & noticed Eric's mother wasn't home, & I just assumed she was out with her friend or something & was pretty stoked to know I had the place to myself. Well, I got inside, got settled in & sat down to call Eric. He asked if I had spoken with his mother. I said no because she wasn't here. He said, "She didn't tell you?" I said "No." I was expecting to hear that she had found another cat, & maybe that could be why she wasn't home. I was not expecting Eric to say, "My father is dead."

From what I can understand at the moment, he & his friend Frank had gone to Canada for the weekend, probably for a car show of some sort since Eric said they usually go every year around this time. They were at the hotel, & Frank was the one who found him on Sunday morning. Doctors there had initially thought he had an aneurysm, but Del's doctor had said a couple of days later that he suspected a tumor had burst. I guess Del was supposed to see that doctor on Monday about it.

I haven't heard much as far as official plans for services go yet, other than a celebration of life at some point. The fact that he was in Canada makes things difficult, since he has to get back home & that's not going to happen until Tuesday. Of course, with him being one of my bosses at work, this affects both my working & personal life. It's a double-whammy. I met the other owner for the first time yesterday. I'm not sure what to make of him, other than he seemed a bit full of himself. He also strived for professionalism, wearing a suit & carrying a suitcase, etc. Honestly, I find it too dressed up for the sort of operation that we have here, & he feels we need to dress ourselves up more as a business, even considering renaming us with a swanky name & calling us a "boutiuque." It's stupid because we'll never achieve that appearance, & we'd have to completely reinvent the store to match it. The most heartbreaking thing to hear though was not just all the changes & the way he wants things done, but how he told Dave & I that Del was outdated in his way of doing things & that those ways were gone. Like he's completely brushing aside anything Del ever did & erasing him. It hurt to hear.

I don't have much more to say right now, as there's still meetings going on, one of which Eric is at right now. I have no idea what's going to happen to him with work, I have no idea what's going on with Del's things, I have no clue at all about anything. It's got me super stressed because everything affects us. It's our livelihood.

I've lost the energy to write more, but I've gotten what's happened out of the way. I just feel so lethargic & just don't wnat to do anything more.

Rest in peace, Del. You're missed by so many, especially by your family. :(

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Old Man Harrison [25 Jun 2018|04:27pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

With some of the more elderly celebrities, TV stars & so on, it's not uncommon to see hoaxes shared online. The Old Man from Pawn Stars was often the subject of such hoaxes, & I had seen posts shared around in the past saying he had passed away when that hadn't happened. Well, it did happen finally.

Mike's girlfriend Robyn posted a post about it from a page that didn't seem so official, & the link that they provided didn't say anything when I clicked it, so I was thinking "Not another hoax." Well, there were so many comments on the original post she shared that it made me go look it up. Nope, it was true. I found the real Gold & Silver Pawn Shop page who had made a post abbout 6 hours ago or so now:

"It is with heavy hearts that we acknowledge the passing of Richard Benjamin Harrison (known as ‘The Old Man’ to Pawn Stars fans the world over) this morning. He was surrounded by loving family this past weekend and went peacefully. The team at Gold & Silver Pawn and the Pawn Stars family is grieving his loss. He will be remembered as the best father, grandfather and great-grandfather you could have by his family and by fans as the sometimes grumpy (always loving, however), often wisecracking, and voice of absolute reason on the History television show ‘Pawn Stars’. Services are pending and the family appreciates your prayers and kind words. – Gold and Silver Pawn"

That was super sad to read. I can't help but feel like I jinxed it somehow, too. I was watching Pawn Stars all this week at work since our channels got cut even more & I threw that on for some entertaining background noise. I saw the Old Man & couldn't help but think about how he was getting on in his years, I thought about the hoaxes, & the thought crossed my mind about his health. I swear, this was within the last week. So I feel pretty lousy for having even thought that, because now he has passed away.

Not much else has gone on the last week. Eric finally admitted defeat with his now-dead car & started to look for a new one. His dad helped him with finding one, since Eric didn't have the money for a down payment or anything, not when he JUST paid for repairs on his now-dead car. (He had a lot of money put into it just before Slayer earlier this month) He got himself a silver Cadillac STS, a 2006. Of course when I say it's a Cadillac, that makes it sound a lot fancier & nicer than it really is. The outside looks nice & clean though, although Tool Store Mark did say that it looks like a "gangsta car." Fingers crossed this car does him well.

Anyway, I don't feel like writing much. It took all my effort to write this, plus this newer table sits up higher than my old one so my arms hurt from reaching up to type. (New chair soon, I think). It's getting a little stuffy & warm in here, so I suppose it's time to throw on the AC. This central air thing truly is the worst. My room is getting warm while the rest of my apartment is pretty okay, but I have to shut all the windows & turn on AC for the entire place because his mother, the landlord, will have a fit. She thinks a see-through piece of fabric hanging with a foot & a half of space in a doorway is what's keeping the heat here, but she's so stupid. It couldn't possibly be the attic deadspace behind my kitchen that routinely surpasses 100F every day. *eyeroll*

Anyway, arms hurt. Bye bye!

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Rest in peace, Lily. [22 Jun 2018|02:00pm]
[ mood | tired ]

This week has not been a good week. On Tuesday the 19th, I got a message from Eric. Our elderly black cat, Lily, had passed away sometime early in the morning or possibly overnight. Her health had not been good lately due to her thyroid problem, & after her recent vet visit a couple of weeks ago her breathing seemed to be more difficult for her. She wasn't as receptive to being pet & sort of kept to herself. It was only a matter of time. The vet said that bringing her back in might be too stressful for her to take, so all we could do was try to make her comfortable.

She was 18, & would've turned 19 in September.

Monday night, Eric's car broke down as well. I'm not entirely sure what happened, as I thought Scott said something had melted & I heard Eric say something about a rod being pushed through the motor. Something overheated & messed up the motor, to the point where it would've been very expensive & time-consuming to repair or even rendering the motor useless. The only positive is that Eric finally agreed to give up on this car & look for a new one, although he's still got repair bills he owes on for this car. His dad helped him with finding a car yesterday, which meant I had to go to work on my day off for a while. He got himself a 2006 Caddy of some sort, which I doubt it was anything nice but it's got to be an improvement. The only concern I have is the negative reviews of the place online. One or two I would pay no attention to, but it's overwhelmingly negative. I just hope it works out okay. Hopefully he'll have it today, as it wasn't ready for pick-up yesterday & they didn't get it to him while he was working down the street.

I've been exhausted because of the one-car thing. Bringing him to work half an hour away & then coming half an hour back before my own 12 hour shift is stressful. Home is usually just 10 minutes away, & that nice short commute has become over an hour long each way. Even on my days off, yesterday & today, I ahve to get up & get ready as if I were going to work & get him to work when he needs to be. (Yesterday I did work of course, which I wasn't happy about) I hope he's got something figured out because I have to work my 12 hours tomorrow & he works 14, so I don't want to drive over an hour to work & then do it again at midnight. Being gone from 8:30 am to 1:30 am really sucks, especially because I still have stuff to do when I get home. By the time I get cleaned up & get things taken care of at home & get to bed, it'll be something like 3 am, which is not fun when you have work in a little while yet again.

Not much else has been going on. I feel just the same as always.  I did do the dishes today so I did something productive. I just hate how even something as simple as dishes feels so.... Difficult. I feel like it takes so much energy to work myself up to doing it. I see the dishes, or whatever else I need to do, & I know it needs to be done, but it's overwhelming. I've got so much left to do, especially with prepping my bathroom for company in less than two weeks. I got a new cleaner I want to try, so I'll have to try to do that soon.

Anyway, it's time for me to go put an ice tray in the freezer so I can try to make a drink later & get back to watching Dragon Ball Z. Tito's vodka has been my thing lately, that with cranberry, so I finally got the stuff to enjoy it at home. (If I have ice, anyway) With the way the schedule has been with this one car thing, I'm not even back in time to go to the bar, so this way I can at least take the edge off my nerves with a drink.

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It's been a while. [06 Jun 2018|11:28pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I've been meaning to write, but I found that I never made time for myself to do it. Every time I felt like doing it, I was at work & I didn't want to start trying to do this & continuously be interrupted. I suppose now is a good time to write finally. It's been another one of those living in the past kind of days, which was brought on after seeing some of the Linkin Park tribute show back in the fall just a couple of days ago, & completely breaking down after seeing them play "Numb" with a spotlight on an empty mic, adorned with a wreath. The audience, the Linkin Park Family, sang in Chester's place, & it was tough to watch. I saw a few people who were singing, but also crying, & that was also me. Jonathan Davis joined as guest vocals for another song, & that was something really special to me since Korn was one of the big 3 for me in high school. (And is the only one left now, since Wayne Static died)

It's been so long since I wrote, I never wrote about my little vacation of sorts in March, so I'll try to recall it as best as I can. On <b>March 22nd</b>, Eric & I hoofed down to Connecticut to visit Mohegan Sun for the very first time. We weren't there for any gambling though. Judas Priest was playing there that night. We were going to stay the night in the area, but after seeing a map of the Casino property & realizing that the hotel, casino, shopping areas AND arena were all connected, the idea of just walking back to our hotel room & not even setting foot outdoors won us over & we splurged & stayed the night there. The show being on a Thursday helped us out there, so the room wasn't as expensive as a weekend night, but it was still very pricey. Eric was happy for the getaway, even for just one night, as it was FINALLY a break away from home & a brief breather of something different. So we got there, got checked into our room, & headed down to wander around. I have to admit, Mohegan Sun was a LOT of fun, as it felt like a shopping mall geared towards adults, with bars & restaurants everywhere. There was even a nice bar with a huge waterfall immediately behind it that I really enjoyed. We ate at Frank Pepe's Pizzeria, which was REALLY good. I was sad we didn't eat at Ballo, where they have a flaming wheel of cheese they use to do table-side mac & cheese, but that pizza was so damn good! (Coal-fired!) We went into the venue much earlier than we would've liked, not knowing that they did re-entry until it was far too late. Judas Priest was amazing, & it was nice to finally see them on the general admission floor instead of being stuck to a seat. They played a great set, & Glenn Tipton even made an appearance towards the end of the set. Eric was so excited, he grabbed on to me because he nearly fell over. He was ecstatic. After the show, we tried to find some place to get a late bite to eat, & the only place still open with room was Bobby's Burger Palace, which is owned by Bobby Flay. It was different, ordering a burger at the counter & sitting at the counters with our number, but holy moly was it a good burger! The fries & the fry sauce were good, too!

The next day was the Boston World of Wheels show. We trekked up there, with a pit stop in Providence to see our friend Brian. It was good to see him, & he got so many cats since we last saw him! We headed up to Boston soon afterwards, & we ate lunch at a place I had seen on Phantom Gourmet called Babbo. I guess it's partly owned by Mario Betali, so I ended up hitting up another celeb chef's restaurant, but the pizza I had seen on Phantom Gourmet & on Yelp photos looked so good that I wanted to try it anyway. Eric wasn't too enthused with his pizza, especially after doing coal-fired pizza the day before, but I loved my pizza. (Wood-fired this time) We went over to the Seaport Center & hit up the show & saw a lot of nice cars there before doing Kowloon for late night dinner. When we left, we spotted a message left on Eric's car that was written on the salt: "BILL DEE SUX" & "NOR'EASTER" We knew who wrote that after running into the Helgers & Squiggy indoors.

The next noteworthy trip was my annual New York Trip, which this will be more involved so this will be a multi-paragraph story. As much as I wanted to stay with Carrie, I ended up staying with Bonnie at that same hotel again. (The bathroom there was much more appealing, as a shower was necessary & I do love the shampoos they give you there) After nearly missing the bus & literally having to run to catch it, I arrived there on Friday the 13th, & Bonnie & I wandered around Times Square briefly before heading back into Brooklyn. We hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, where I saw some cool stuff on display, & hit up a Starbucks so I could FINALLY have something to drink. My mother called as I was in Times Square of course, so she asked where I was & I told her, & she said "What?!" When we were waiting for our Lyft, I saw the Naked Cowboy across the street. I wish I saw him performing, but apparently I had just missed him. We got back, I dropped off my stuff, & we headed to a bar one street away called Lucky 13. The game plan was to drink there for a while, go get food at a BBQ place Bonnie found, & then go back since it was Friday the 13th & getting drunk there was too perfect. I found out on Instagram that Carrie was working there that night, so I got to see her when we returned from noms at Dinosaur BBQ, which was only one street away yet again! (Of course my semi-drunk ass fucked up the directions so we walked for a while before figuring out we were close anyway) We got situated at the bar & I noticed that they had the Friday the 13th movies playing on the TVs in the bar all night. I happily drank all night long while watching the movies, talking with the bartender whose name I unfortunately forgot by now, & I even was tipping Carrie as she came across the bar. (Holy shit can she spin like crazy on a pole!) Another perk of being there was that it wasn't far to walk back to the room, so that worked out very nicely. Oh, & the weather was BEAUTIFUL that day. So nice & warm, & it was the first day I had been able to walk around in just a t-shirt instead of sweatshirts, etc.

The next day Laura met up with us with her son Chris. Bonnie & I tried to make a dash to the Black Swan beforehand because their mac & cheese, but just as we arrived Laura got to Duff's, so we had to dart over to meet them. We headed over to Barboncino for pizza, & while it was warm when we arrived, by the time we left it was quite chilly. We hurried over to Prospect Park though to visit Peter's Tree though before heading back to the hotel for the others to get something warmer to wear. I was still refusing to wear a sweatshirt because I knew I'd regret it once I got to Duff's, which I got there & was proven right. It was PACKED, & it was still early, something like 9:30 or so when we arrived. We didn't get our usual seat at the bar, but I recognized the guy that did grab our seats as the guy who spotted me recording last year & was singing really loud. We finally added each other on Facebook, whcih I found out his name was Joel, & he & I were singing Type O for a while. (By this point in time, I had gotten a seat & Laura got one next to me) Lots of drinks were had, especially because a few people bought us drinks. Aaron got me a drink early on, & then we all did a shot of Jesus Juice. (Chris didn't know what to think of that haha) Some guy who had to reach between Laura & I bought us "lovely ladies" another drink. Joel got me one. There was so much alcohol had that night, & I lucked out & only had to pee once haha. Johnny Kelly was there again this year, but I didn't get a chance to get a picture with him unfortunately. I tried to get one with him & Jimmy (the owner of Duff's) but missed out, but I scored a free slice of pizza instead so it wasn't a total loss. By the end of the night, things got a little hectic, & Laura & I ended up heading back to the hotel while Bonnie & Chris stayed behind. Laura snagged the last room so she could crash there & head out in the morning.

The next morning, Laura met up with Chris back at Duff's, & Bonnie & I headed to Cent'Anni for lunch. We went back to get my things before heading back into the city, which it's a good thing I allowed myself plenty of room because we did an Uber Pool & it took a while. Well, maybe a good thing anyway, as the bus was delayed yet again. I got priority boarding for nothing & didn't get a window seat again, so snoozing on the ride back home was tricky. I gotta say, the weather went really downhill  for Sunday. It was chilly when I was in Brooklyn, raining when the bus left Port Authority, & by the time we hit CT it was a snowy/wintery mix mess with slush. There were so many accidents along the way back & it took ages to get back because of how awful the roads were. Dealing with wintery conditions mid-April when I'm coming back from this thing is out of the ordinary, so it was a long ride back. Eric & I were going to go to Kowloon once I got back like we usually do, but I got back so late & the weather was so awful that we had to scratch that idea. Overall though, the trip was a wild success & I had a great time. It was good to see everyone, I liked all the drinks met some cool people, & got to eat some fantastic food.

May was slightly uneventful. Eric & I did hit up a cat show on the 5th though, & that was a LOT of fun! I got to see so many gorgeous cats, fell in love all over again with the Oriental breed (and the Siamese with the same body shape) & even got to meet a very special cat named Wiggles, who has cerebellar hyperplasia. I nearly started crying when I held him because it was so precious. His owner had to tell me how to hold him, since he couldn't support his own weight, so I had to support his bottom & lean back so he could lean against me. He seemed pretty content there, as I heard purring & he licked my arm. It was so precious. May 12th, Theresa came up & we met up with Liza & her daughter to go to the Beach Plum & go see Super Troopers 2. Oh man was that movie funny! Eric & I ended up catching it, since he wanted to see it, when he had his show in Manchester on the 19th. I heard my first rumbles of thunder on May 3rd when I was grocery shopping. Holy moly did it pour, & of course I had the rotten luck of being out grocery shopping while it was happening. I leave Market Basket, I hear thunder. I get to Shaw's, & it's a downpour while I'm in there with more thunder just as I left. The rain lightened up, I push my luck by trying to hit up Starbucks, & time it all wrong with another deluge of rain as I pull up to the drive-thru window. My left side was soaked! It was pretty hilarious though.

April 26th! Silly me, I nearly forgot about this! I finally achieved a goal I had had since 1999, when I was just a kid & my obsessions were Pokemon, Dragon Ball Z, & Monster Rancher. I FINALLY got THE Charizard card. THE holofoil. It cost me a pretty penny as they're still desirable enough because of folks like me wanting shit they had/wanted as a kid, but it was worth it. My 11/12 year old self would've been so happy. Gosh I remember kids who had that card being the top dog, & losing one was the worst thing in the world. I remember seeing flyers at school where someone lost their Charizard, as the wind blew it away, & I felt bad for whoever had lost it. I still am so happy I got it though. My old self would've been so happy. I thought about that old self recently, when Sarah & I would sit in that closet room of sorts & try to watch Dragon Ball GT episodes online on shitty dial-up internet because GT was so unknown that we thought it was cool. I started watching it on Hulu recently & thought of this,  but i'll come back to that later.

Anyway, onwards to June now. It got off to a very exciting start so far. June 1st, we made the trek back down to Mohegan Sun, this time for SLAYER. Unfortunately this show fell on a Friday night so staying the night there again was absolutely out of the question, so we took advantage of the re-entry to get merch & bring it back to the car. We got there, & our first task was hitting up Frank Pepe's yet again. (We got there late & missed Testament, so we just went straight for food while Behemoth played) The pizza was good, though it didn't seem quite as good as last time. My margherita got some grated parmesan on it so it ruined it slightly & made it look funny, but it was still good. Eric overestimated how hungry he was & got a pizza that was too big, but he enjoyed it. We headed in to see Anthrax play, & they were great. During Lamb of God, we took that time to run shirts out to the car & we stopped at the bar over at Bobby's Burger Palace, where I enjoyed a couple of VERY good Tito's & cranberries. Even Eric liked it & I almost had him persuaded to order one, but no such luck. We hurried back as LoG was ending, blabbing with Steve B while we waited for them to finish. We hurried to the floor once LoG was done, & we waited, & Slayer hit the stage with an impressive display of upside down crosses, pentagrams, & eventually their logo being projected on a thin curtain acting as a sort of screen. You could still see behind it, & we could see the fire lighting up on the stage, some of which they had set up to ignite their logo & it looked really cool. Holy shit was the show LOUD! Slayer did a spectacular job & played some great songs, & Tom sounded amazing. I was sad when the hour & a half was up & they kicked into Angel of Death. After the show, we ran into Brian just outside in the casino lobby. As we're trying to talk, the crowd walking out of the show kept bursting into cheers & screams of "SLAYER! FUCKING SLAYER!!!!" I couldn't help but laugh as I thought about the casino regulars listening to us. Even the hoard of people going up the escalator onto the second floor were shouting & it was impressive. We hung around for a little while & eventually drifted back to Bobby's Burger Palace, where I ran into Ashley M & we had a few drinks & some cheese fries before we left. (I really wanted more Tito's & cranberry) It took us a while to get home, & we didn't get back until nearly 4 am because we had to stop for Eric to sleep a while.

The next day, we hit up New England Dragway for the Funny Cars Under the Stars event. We lucked out in that there was only one bout of rain, which came as HEAVY downpours along the way. Just as suddenly as it had hit though, it stopped while we were on the backroad to the track, & it was windy as hell when we got parked & got out of the car. I had hoped that the humidity was finally on its way out, but no such luck. It was pretty humid for most of the day, so I hit up that lemonade stand for hydration. I saw a lot of funny cars that I hadn't seen in a while, like the Time Bomb, Total Insanity, Super Camaro, Warpath, Agent Orange, Excalibur, & more over there, as well as others I hadn't seen before like the Iron Outlaw & a Corvette I didn't really recognize. I had a lot of fun here as well, & even Bruce made an appearance, after I hadn't heard from him since last August. We went to Applebee's late when the event was done, & then headed home.

Well, that about sums it up. It's a long entry, but I had a lot of catching  up to do. I'll have to write again soon, as I got into one of my nostalgic ruts again today. I spent today listening to Linkin Park after seeing that video, & it brought me back to when I was a high school kid. I'm in the middle of re-reading the Harry Potter books again right now, & that combined with the albums I was listening to, it just brought me all back to then. Waiting for the new Harry Potter book to arrive after persuading my dad to order it, since my mother refused to buy books. Role playing in Yahoo chat rooms & steering clear of the creeps. That was actually a lot of fun, & I miss that group of friends. I wonder where they all are now? I dunno, it was just an odd coincidence, my listening to those albums just as I'm re-reading the books. (I'm just starting Half Blood Prince now) I miss those days.

Someday, I really hope to get out of this rut. I need to find a way to move forward so I can stop dwelling on the past. I'm not even in my 20's anymore, I shouldn't be sad & longing for a time that's a decade & a half ago now. I just don't know how to move forward. I know I need to get out of retail, but I'm so unconfident in myself that I don't see what I could do instead. I haven't gained any skills anywhere that could be beneficial for non-retail work, I never did go to college, & I still don't even know where I'd like to end up! I never did find out a career because I don't even know what I like to do. I like to type, but that's about it, & that's not enough to get me anywhere. I still need a degree or a year or more office experience, which you can't get because you need experience of course, & half of the jobs that are data entry are accounting & I'd need a BA or something in that. I just feel rather discouraged, so I've been stuck in this rut for years & I'm not sure how to proceed & get out of it. If I could finally do something that would make me less miserable at least, maybe I can finally look forward instead of looking back. Of course, years of retail have soured my outlook on a lot of things, too. At this point, I don't even want to work with the public anymore. I've had enough. Hell just on THursday night, the night before the Slayer show, I had two drunk customers screaming & yelling at me, calling me a "fucking moron" & everything else because they came in as I closed & refused to leave & made a big mess with their arguing. I am tired of an environment like that. I was happy when I entered in Rewards for a couple of shifts at Staples because I was behind the scenes, & I was typing, & it was fun. Again, it goes back to needing experience or even a degree in something i"m not at all interested in just to do that. If I could've done that for a living though, I would've actually been happy. My dad hasn't been helpful with trying for a state job, as the only way in for me it seems is a liquor store job. Again, it's retail of a sort. I'm not interested in that. I'm beyond fed up with retail/customer service, but for the moment i'm a bit stuck

Someday I'll figure this out. I have to. I can't keep doing this forever. It's messing with my head, & these days I loathe going in to work so much that I feel angry/depressed the night before just thinking about it. I can't even take a vacation to get a break from this job, so there is no reprieve. I'm not even doing a good job at trying to look like I'm happy at work anymore. I fit the stereotype of a sullen employee, because I've fucking had it with it all.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for me. I'll update again soon.

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Winter slump continues [06 Apr 2018|04:07pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I still have yet to update about the vacation. I will do it. When I'm more motivated, less tired, & feeling better.

It's snowing today, so I have no motivation to do much. I'm just watching Dragon Ball Z, & just idling around. I've been meaning to move on to the next saga, but it reminds me so much of the summer, I've been reluctant to start it while it's still snowy out. I thought once April rolled around that things would change. No dice so far. No warm weather, no green leaves... Nothing.

I know it's lame I get stuck on routine & the past, but it's just how I am. I want my summer to be just like last summer. It was a good summer. I loved my routine. Even playing WoW was fun, when my friends weren't burned out on it. I can't wait for thunderstorms.

I know winter trying to hang around has had a negative impact on me. It doesn't really feel like spring yet, so I'm still stuck in this late-winter slump. All I ever want to do is cry because I just feel so worn out & down. I've just had it with this winter stuff. I want summer. I want green. I want longer days. I want warm.

I am still mad about that tree outside my window being cut down though. That's forever lost. She wants to put a lilac bush there, but that's going to attract bees & I am terrified of them, so I hope she doesn't go through with it. I miss the tree though, although I don't miss that bird flying into the window over & over. I had suggested trimming those branches so they wouldn't be so close to the window to have  that problem, but instead the whole thing got cut. It's too bad. It really was a lovely tree, especially in the spring when it blossomed. I'll miss that.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write much more.

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And another one [30 Mar 2018|04:47pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Isn't 30 years old too young to keep seeing people you knew from high school passing away? :(

I've been meaning to share a post about my trip last week, but I've been so busy or other stuff comes up. Today's a weird, rainy day. Warm, very spring-like, but something is just weird about today. My mind keeps wandering to the past as well.

Then I found out Jose W. passed away. I hadn't seen him in years, not since I hung out with Eric at his place & Jose & others would come over all the time, but he was always a funny guy. I remember him in school, I remember us hanging out, going to Space Center, & the unforgettable Lorenzo Antonucci order we placed at Dominos. I can still remember Jose yelling "I AM LORENZO ANTONUCCI" when we were trying to place the order for 10 orders of cheesy bread (and nothing else) & then going to the pick-up window to get it & him yelling it again. Even better was the mispell on the label of Lorenzo "Anionucci."

I knew things hadn't been well for him. I didn't have him added on Facebook, since we didn't really talk in recent years, but the posts I could see shows that he was having struggles. A brief search online showed he had some legal troubles, & even was arrested after an overdose. I remember wondering what became of Jose & if he ever got things sorted out. Unfortunately it never happened.

So I'm pretty bummed. A few old friends from school made some posts. David Chea, Lisa, Eric of course. It's so sad. I feel like we're still too young to be dealing with shit like this, whatever the cause may be. Kendra's passing back in the fall, Jack's passing last month, Jose this month... And that's not including others who have passed away over the years. Tyler, Tom, & even a few old classmates I knew.

Anyway. Maybe on Monday I can finally post about my trip. I'm stuck on another memory/nostalgia loop again. The weather outside, even though it's rainy, reminds me of my first spring in NH. The snow was melting, it was mild, & I went to go sit on a rock & listen to a little brook from melting snow while listening to this album. Hearing of Jose's passing is just adding to that loop, because now I'm dwelling on the past & high school memories as well.

- End transmission -

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Where is spring? And Dragon Ball Super ended! [26 Mar 2018|06:42pm]

I am so tired of the cold & the snow. It's nearly April, & we're still buried under snow & it's still cold. I saw a lone mosquito somehow yesterday, flying against the window at work outside, but that's it. No peepers. No mild temperatures. No open windows, which is awful because my apartment reeks from being shut up all winter. Even my walls smell like stale food from my landlord's constant cooking!

Where is the warmth? The sun angle is finally getting correct, but jeez. I need that warmth! I need to get back into my routine! I remember last April I was drinking cold ciders & enjoyinng fresh air & it was wonderful. I need that air so bad.

Also, Dragon Ball Super finally concluded on Saturday with episode 131. I just watched it last night, & after having that show be such an important thing in my life since October 2016, it's now ended. There's no more new episodes. I actually cried when the show ended last night, because it's over. I feel empty now, like that show hole feeling but way worse because it was a continuation of something near & dear to my childhood.

Anyway, I should go. She's playing music real loud downstairs, so it's time for me to tune it out. I'll write more tomorrow, as I have quite a story to share from last week concerning a 3 day "vacation" I had. I just needed to vent somewhere that it NEEDS to be spring already. I can't stand this shit anymore. I need the fresh air in my apartment & want to finally go out in a t-shirt again!

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Austin, TX [21 Mar 2018|04:46pm]

So just hours after I wrote last night, there was a major development concerning the Austin bomber. I had woken up this morning to see that Patrick B had made a post about it, someone had commented that there were two more explosions, & someone else noted that one of those explosions was the suspect blowing himself up.

They found a suspect, & he blew himself up in his vehicle when he was cornered.

Of course there's still a concern that he may have left more bombs around, & I saw something a few hours ago saying that his neighborhood had been evacuated, & that was the last update I saw. I don't know if there was another explosion or not, or maybe that person had heard about the "incendiary device" that I mentioned & thought it was another explosion. All I'm seeing is that the guy blew himself up in his car.

People online are already arguing about the fact that this has not been called terrorism, & I find that I have to agree with those who think this is terrorism. I just clicked the trending article on Facebook about this situation, & already I saw an article about his family commenting on his "darkness." Regardless of what this is, I do believe that this is domestic terrorism, & I sit here & wonder why this has not officially been called terrorism.

Anyway, so there's that.

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Happenings. [20 Mar 2018|11:09pm]

Well, I suppose I should talk about happenings in the world. I'm finally off work, so I'm free to think & talk how I'd like. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of this buffalo chicken smell from my hands! I knew ordering out was a bad idea.

I guess the latest thing in the news has to deal with the Austin Package Bomber. Yes, there seems to be a serial bomber in Austin, TX. I just tried to take a brief skim, as I had heard that there was yet another explosion at a Goodwill store there, but the police are saying it was an "incendiary device" & is not related to the package bombing. I'm not actually sure if this latest event was at a Goodwill or not, but there was something at a FedEx a day or two ago. There was even a trip wire bomb. A trip wire! Shit is getting scary in Austin. It reminds me of my freshman year in high school, when we had the D.C. sniper attacks happening. I wish I knew where my old letters were, as I still talked to Maria then & she had moved to the area. She had told me what it was like being in the area. It was like that girl Megan I knew in 8th grade, the short-haired one. When I moved from Hawaii she sent me newspaper clippings talking about really heightened security on the military base after 9/11. Again, I wish I knew where those letters were! This reminds me a bit of that though.

In other destructive news, the south has been getting some really bad weather. Alabama got some pretty bad storms, & Jacksonville was hit by an EF2 according to the latest Bing search I just did. Last night I had heard that it had been struck twice within 20 minutes, with severe damage to the university there. I'm not sure if that was the case, the double strike, but the school did take some very heavy damage. Luckily though, it's spring break this week. Those dorms were empty. Talk about luck!

Speaking of weather, guess what's coming our way tomorrow night.... Yet ANOTHER nor'easter! They've named this one Toby. The 4th nor'easter this month now. I'm so very ready to get out of this trend. I'm not sure what we're supposed to get for snow, as I had heard that things had taken a turn for the better & snow forecasts went down. If that forecast holds, that's a very good thing. We've run out of room to put the snow at home, & that's only from two storms. (Luckily the first storm, Riley, that was just a rain & wind event here. If that had been a foot of snow, that would've been very bad. I had to check back on my previous entries to figure out which storm was which. We've gotten so many, I can't get the names right!)

This all works out fine though. Thursday, I'll be Connecticut-bound for Judas Priest, & then we're staying overnight at the casino. I have to admit, despite the daunting price of the room, I am excited about being able to just WALK back to our room. Once we check in, we don't have to set foot outside until we leave. That's why I ended up booking the room, because that's just too convenient. That way, Eric doesn't have to worry about driving. The poor guy can't stay awake while driving anymore, so him going to bed after a show is a very good thing. He'll be rested & can drive during the day & take his time the next day. We're very excited. It's just an overnight trip, but it'll almost feel like a mini-vacation. We haven't gone out of town overnight since 2015! Not even to Englishtown! So we're really looking forward to this.

Speaking of good things, I remembered what today marked: Mister Fred Rogers' birthday. Mr. Rogers would've been 90 today. I saw this online today, not aware about his birthday, & I also learned of an existing documentary about him as well as viewed a trailer for an upcoming one that will be in select theaters June 8th. That upcoming one , I think it premiered at the Sundance festival. It made me smile so much to see, & I really do want to see this. It's called "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" Dan Clark said that the upcoming one seemed to be an overview of his life & work, but that's okay. I want to see these impacts he made. I want to see these tough topics he addressed. In the trailer, I saw that he had even addressed assassination on his show, which is likely referring to the Kennedy assassination. Of course, Mr Rogers did write a book concerning the loss of a pet, which I still want to get, so I know he has broached difficult topics before. I saw a few clips that I remembered, including a young boy who was in a wheelchair of sorts. Forgive my ignorance, but I'm having a brain fart & can't remember the proper way to put it, as calling the boy "handicapped" seems crude, but I remember seeing this boy when I was a kid. I smiled because of that tug on the long-dormant memory, & I can't wait to see this all in a documentary. I just hope that one of the select theaters chosen includes one near me. (Come on AMC! If you can show foreign & indie movies, I'm hoping you won't let me down on this one!) On a related note, USPS is releasing special Forever Stamps to commemorate Mr Rogers. I plan on buying several, as I want to use them for mailing (if I ever do any) & have some for keeps. I loved Mr. Rogers as a child, so I find this a big deal.

This wasn't the only notable birthday. I realized that March 17 marks the birthday for Toonami. It turns out last year was the 20 year mark for Toonami. March 17, 2017, meaning that Toonami hit Cartoon Network on March 17, 1997. Twenty years. It almost hurts to think it's been that long, because I remember when it was new. I remember the shows. I remember the promos. And it hurts to realize how far back my childhood already has gotten. Someone shared a video on a post concerning an upcoming Dragon Ball Super movie (more on that later) that was the Android/Trunks saga intro from Toonami, & boy did it make me happy to see. I will never forget that intro, or some of the commercials for the show & even the movies. (Back when Ocean was doing the voice dubbing, so Goku-aka-Edd-voice from Ed, Edd, & Eddy. Tree of Might, Dead Zone, & World's Strongest. Somewhere I have those commercials saved!) I was surprised to see that come up again, when Toonami shared their 20th anniversary video from last year on the 17th. I'm just shocked it's been 20 years. Twenty years ago, I was just a kid in Hawaii who loved Dragon Ball Z & Pokemon. I mean LOVED DBZ. I remember when Toonami did a DBZ marathon & called it DBZ20XL, I swore I was going to get that as a license plate. I never did do that of course, as grown-up interests intervened & I ended up with a band for a license plate, but sometimes I still think about that. I wish I could afford to get a second car. Then I would get that plate. Wow though, twenty years. I can't believe it. I guess it seems fitting though, the 17th. Saturday the 17th this year, they showed the final episode of Outlaw Star. I had never seen these episodes before. I saw as far as the tournament for the world's strongest, when Aisha went kitty cat. I didn't see anything beyond that, & I found out only very recently that Toonami originally never aired a certain episode following that due to how uh... Mature it was. (Proof that Toonami matured as well, if they showed that) It made me happy to see, as I had never seen the group reach the Galactic Leyline. I was sad to see it end, almost two decade after first seeing it. Kind of like Big O. I never saw the later half because it wasn't released until I was in high school I think. Of course I missed that, so it wasn't until a couple years ago that I FINALLY got to conclude something I stated as a kid, too. *Sigh*

I don't know much yet, but I mention a Dragon Ball Super movie. There is a movie coming out in December. I don't know much about it, though the animation style seems to be a nod to the original animation from DBZ. Goku seems to be back to his old outfit instead of the modified one Whis gave him, & I'm curious who this next bad guy is. Theories are flying of course, with a lot of people suspecting the original Super Saiyan God that Beerus had dreamed about & that Goku wasn't actually the subject of that prophetic dream. It's far too soon to tell though, but I can't wait!

I guess the last noteworthy thing to mention concerns northern white rhinos. The subspecies is just two animals away from extinction now. The last male northern white rhino passed away, so once the last two die, that's it. They're gone forever. It always makes me upset to think about a species going extinct, & it's even more sad to see it happen in my lifetime. I think of extinction & I think of animals like the quagga or a thylacine (tazmanian tiger, as it was nicknamed) that went extinct a little while ago. I even saw that polar bears were in very serious danger, & that there was a possiblity of them going extinct. The thought is heartbreaking. :(

Anyway, I should wrap things up because I have to head home. I just thought I'd summarize things going on, things I'm excited about, & other things in the news. I have a 3 day weekend starting right now, so I guess I could consider this a vacation of sorts. How exciting!

Anyway. Ta ta!

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Stephen Hawking. [14 Mar 2018|06:07pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Late last night, I was surprised to see the latest in breaking news. Stephen Hawking had passed away at the age of 76.

I'm not a scientist or an avid learner of sciences, but I have to admit that seeing the loss of the brightest mind of our time is a big deal. This is not just the passing of someone famous. This is a historical event as Hawking will be a name taught for generations.

I also can't help but wonder if a future episode of Big Bang Theory will mention this. I couldn't help but think of the character Sheldon Cooper, as Stephen Hawking made appearances on that show. (And Star Trek: The Next Generation!)

In other news, Duff's announced it's Peter Steele Tribute Night, as well as revealed the design of the tribute shirt. Since the shirts always sell out so early on in the night, I've taken to preordering them & having them shipped to me to guarantee I have them. I've got my shirts ordered, & Eric wanted one as well so I ordered one for him. Now the difficult part: Figuring out where I"m going to stay, which determines what bus tickets to get. Planning is so stressful!

Also, we got about 2 feet from that storm yesterday. I did see lightning when I was shoveling though! At first I thought I saw transformer flashes, but for it to be that bright I think it would've had to be right behind me. Eric's mother, who was taking to me & facing me, said she saw flashes in the sky. I did find out that there was an outage from a tree that fell on some wires nearby at just about the same time, so I did wonder if I actually did see transformer flashes, but I don't think it would've lit up the sky like it did. The second flash really did look like lightning & lit everything up, so I think I'm safe in saying that it was lightning. I am absolutely sore from all the shoveling, too. I shoveled so much yesterday because it came down so fast! I took a break for a couple of hours last night, & it was like I hadn't even been outside by the time I got back outside. It was awful. It was comig down so fast, I couldn't keep up with it!

I'm going to call it a wrap. These were just noteworthy things that happened over the last 24 hours that I thought I should mention. My arms hurt & are tired, so I'm done writing.

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Another day, another storm [12 Mar 2018|11:53am]
[ mood | anxious ]

So the name for the storm we have rolling in tomorrow is Skylar. How lovely. How much snow will we get? I think WMUR is still remaining optimistic at just 8-14", but others are venturing high with forecasts around 12-18" of snow. It's sounding too familiar to what we just had, so I am a little nervous. I don't have to drive in it, but I worry about another power outage. I made the mistake of buying milk & cheese today, with the idea that I could do soup & grilled cheese tomorrow & even bake some cookies. (I forgot parchment paper, so that could be shot anyway if I don't have any left at home)

What did I NOT buy? Water. I'm stuck at work for another 10 hours & 15 minutes, & by then everyone will be closed, so I'm not sure what to do there. i could try a gas station & hope I get lucky, but if they're out, then I'm shit out of luck.

In other news, Toys R Us is going away. They're closing up all their stores. Yet another big toy store I remember from my childhood going away, destined to become nothing more than a memory like KB Toys. I think my Game Boy Color came from a Toys R Us, so I wondered about the possibility of any sales on video game items. I do want a Nintendo Switch, JUST for the new Zelda game. That's all I want it for, & of course Super Smash Bros as well, but Zelda! My video game console splurge was an Xbox One though for Christmas, which I primarily got so I could get the new Dragon Ball FighterZ game that came out at the end of January. The 500GB hard drive versions went on sale for something I could afford, so I did that. Now if only I could figure out why my purchase of Wheel of Fortune isn't showing on this console, despite the fact I have it on my Xbox 360.

Anyway, I'm at work so I'm keeping this brief. I just wanted to make mention of the incoming storm. I should message Tim & Sha & let them know, as there's a chance I may not be online tomorrow. Even if we don't lose power, if we get 1-3" an hour of snow, that'll keep me busy enough where I can't really sit down & immerse myself in something so involving as a game.

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On a less negative note... [10 Mar 2018|04:16pm]

I'm not sure what that was all about yesterday, but those thoughts have finally cycled their way out of my head.

I suppose it's worth noting what's been going on the last few days. We got yet another Nor'Easter, this one finally delivering heavy amounts of snow instead of wind & rain unfortunately. This one finally knocked out our power, too, despite the fact I was prepared for an outage for the storm before. This one was named Quinn.

I was at work Wednesday when it rolled in, with some light snow during the day before moxing & eventually just becoming rain. I was starting to hope that maybe we wouldn't get the 8 to 18 inches we could possibly see, not when it was still raining at 7 o'clock. Regardless, business died anyway after 4 when the weather did pick up. It was around 8:30 when the rain finally started to move over to snow. I had been talking to Mark earlier in the day concerning the rain, & I did tell him about the rain/snow line bouncing around where we were. I told him that when it did switch over to snow, it was going to be a wet, heavy snow. Sure enough, I was right. It was very wet & heavy, & it was coming down fast.

I really wish we had gotten the ok to leave work even just an hour earlier, as I think it would've made a world of difference getting home. The snow piled up quick. I texted Mark to let him know it had switched back to snow, but he didn't make it back before I left, so I had to deal with the parking lot on my own. I hurried to get my car cleared off, as I knew that at that point, minutes did matter. My mother of course was timing her calls wrong. She called as I was trying to do my paperwork & as I was trying to get my car cleared off. I finally got my car cleared off, got stuck trying to leave because I had to stop due to a car coming up the road & had to back up to get the momentum again, & then drove home. I was so surprised at the tree branches that were literally hanging in the road on the southbound side.

I got back to the house & I foolishly made an attempt to back into the driveway so I could actually get out of my car & not climb into a snowbank. Bad idea. I got stuck & it took another 40 minutes before I could get in the driveway. (And surprise, surprise. My mother called as I was stuck. Hanging up on her abruptly was a bad idea, too) I got inside & I felt like a frozen, drowned rat. My hair was soaked from the heavy wet snow, & of course I had forgot my hood here at home so I had nothing to keep my head warm & dry. Eric got home not long after, & I had only gotten the heat running for about 10 minutes before the lights went out, then on, out & on once more, then out for what ended up being out for 18 hours.

I feel fortunate in the fact that I got my power back fairly fast. When I was at work yesterday (Dave & I had switched, but more on that shortly) Dave had stopped by because he still had no power. Some folks in town weren't getting theirs back until today, but most power was restored by last night. Dave had planned to pick someone up at the airport on Wednesday, which I suspected it would get cancelled. Sure enough his friend's flight got moved to Friday, so he offered to take my Thursday shift. Despite all my preparations of being at work for two days in awful weather, I accepted, thinking that it would be a good thing not to have to rush to dig out in the morning. In a way I wish we hadn't swapped, because I had no power all day Thursday, but oh well. When I DID get power back, the first thing I did was take a hot shower, took a nap in a warm room, & went out to get food items that I had to replace. (I still have to empty out my fridge of all the other junk. If I didn't have to work yesterday, Eric & I could've taken care of that. I have to figure out when I'm gonna have time to empty my fridge & take everything to the dump) Cable didn't come back until some time yesterday when I was at work

That's about all I have to write about. We got a LOT of snow, at least a foot. We lost power for a little while. There's so many broken & bent trees everywhere. Every time I go out, I'm seeing more & more trees that have either broken, had branches break off & fall into yards, or they're entirely curved.

Anyway, suppose I should go. I have so much to do, & it's already well after 4 already. The clocks go ahead an hour tonight, so I'll lose an hour of sleep. Go figure, I have work tomorrow too. Grr.

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Dependent [09 Mar 2018|07:28pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm a piece of shit. And this is why I'm so dependent on the one person who doesn't think I am.

I rely on Eric way too much. I love him dearly, & I can't help but feel scared sometimes because I know how much I rely on him. He's like a crutch for me. Without him, I'd stumble & fall & I know I'd never be able to get back up again.

Love can be great, but it is also terrifying in the fact that it can destroy you. I don't mean a broken heart over a break-up. I mean utter destruction of your entire being if anything ever happened to that person. Eric is the glue that holds me together, & without Eric, I'd crumble & be nothing. I wouldn't know how to put myself back together, & I'm not even sure if it's possible.

No, it's not possible. No one wants anything to do with me, & years of stress compiled with months of being unable to walk have left me a physical mess. I know I need to loes weight, but I'm just too depressed to do anything about it. It just ends up an endless cycle in my head. If I didn't have Eric, I'd have no one. I'd be alone. Truly, completely, & entirely alone. I'm just an ugly piece of shit, with an ugly personality to match. No one would help me. No one would care.

And it's terrifying.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know why I even think it, but I do. I am just so dependent on Eric. With no Eric, there's no me.

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What's on my mind? [09 Mar 2018|07:22pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I know I was a big piece of shit. I'll admit this another hundred times over if need be. I've apologized, & Karma has even paid me numerous visits, & yet it's still not enough. It will never be enough.
I guess some sins are too great to forgive, & I've done them all. I've tried so hard to change, but my mistakes in the past have done too much damage & no one wants to associate with me, so I have no idea if I've even been successful.
I joke & laugh about being a hermit & claim to love it. To be honest though, I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate being isolated. I hate knowing no one cares. I hate the fact that it's my own damn fault, too, & I hate the fact that I will never get another chance.

I'm just pathetic.

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David Ogden Stiers [04 Mar 2018|11:33am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Well, we lost another M*A*S*H* great yesterday: David Ogden Stiers, who played the character of Winchester. I still haven't seen a lot of the later episodes of MASH, since I'm at the mercy of Sunday morning airiings on AMC & Netflix never got MASH back on its programming, but I really did like him. I also remembered that he played in an episode of Star Trek: TNG. I forgot all about that, as I had seen that episode before seeing him in MASH, so A & B were put together in my mind when Jonathan Frakes tweeted something for David.

It's Sunday morning of course & I'm at work watching M*A*S*H*, though it's back in the Frank Burns part of the series. I couldn't help but notice that trending on Facebook is both David Ogden Stiers, & Korea. (I guess some S Korean officials are going to N Korea for talks) I thought it was a little weird that I saw all this at once as I'm watching this show.

I don't feel very motivated to write much more. Yesterday was a busy day at work, & I still feel exhausted. My legs were hurting so bad last night when I got home that I felt crappy all over. I woke up this morning & was still out of it mentally. I even forgot what I was ordering for coffee when I stopped for a morning coffee on the way in to work.

I suppose it's worth mentioning, on a humorous note anyway, that my uncanny luck of favorite foods being discontinued or just not carried anywhere near me continued today. I've grown to love this chipotle sauce that Kraft sells. I was attempting to make an attempt at recreating my Subway sub at home, since I have such a difficult time making it to one these days. Its not the same of course, particularly since I'm using plain bread rolls at home & I'm missing the herbs & cheese baked into it, but for what it is, I found it rather tasty. (And because the bread rolls are much smaller, it's not as huge of a sandwich) Well, I went to the store to get more the other day, & there was only one bottle left. I bought it of course, & I've checked back twice to find more & failed to find any. I stopped there this morning, thinking that by now they must have more, & I found that the tag was gone & where that sauce used to be was Kraft tartar sauce. Luckily the stuff is still sold through Walmart, so I ordered a ton of it online. (I don't have a Super Center near me, so I can't try my luck in a store) I feel rather silly ordering several bottles online of a food item, but I'm not ready to give up a new favorite at-home lunch item.

Well, there's my silly banter for the day.

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Nor'Easter [02 Mar 2018|02:47pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Just hopping on to update hopefully quickly about today's storm that we're getting. I guess The Weather Channel has this storm named as Riley. At some point in the last few years, they've taken to naming winter storms like hurricanes, so winter storm Juno was the storm that got me my very first-ever adult snow day. (It only took 9 years of working retail to finally get one. Sheesh)

Here, it's not so bad. Lots of wind, & of course the rain. The coast however, it's flooded. Brown's is underwater yet again. Hampton Beach is closed off, with the main roads by the beach being closed. Even Boston Seaport is flooded. Flights cancelled. Subway stops omitted due to flooding. Trees down. It's a wonder I have power now. Meanwhile if you slide over to New York & Vermont, they're getting snow. Lots of it. Over a foot in many places, with some even exceeding 18".

Not too much else noteworthy is happening. Eric & I went to see a Cult Classics double feature yesterday that showed the two Bill & Ted movies. So many people I know love those movies, & somehow I went all this time without ever having seen them. What was I missing?! The second one, Bill & Ted's Bogus Adventure, that one was gold. I had forgotten that I had heard about Megadeth references in that movie, & a Megadeth song even played in the movie. That was neat.

Not much else to say really. Now I'm just going to debate on whether I want to try playing WoW or not, since there's still a chance we could lose power.

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