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you are my sweetest downfall. [entries|friends|calendar]
it's stressful being an other, jack.

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[Wednesday
December 24th, 2008 at 2:30am]
[ mood | cold ]

this is pretty much a smorgasbord entry, i suppose.

- tomorrow night i'm going with brian to his aunt's for christmas with them and his parents and graycee and stuff. we're sort of together, sort of not -- we talk and sometimes go on dates, and he wants to get back together but i'm not so sure. *shrug* i'm okay with it. tomorrow i also have to drop off janelle's present and we did secret santa at work, so i have to drop off mac's present, too (she got me and i got her -- how awesome is that?!)

- christmas day is just presents with parents and zoe, and dad is making lobster tails and steak for dinner. it sucks spending the entire day with my parents cause we always get in arguments, but i feel bad leaving on the holidays. i might go down to our neighbor's at night though, she's having a get-together and she is fun.

- i found out a girl that i used to be best friends with in high school died this week. we didn't really keep in touch after i graduated (a year before her), but i saw her around the college campus sometimes, and i loved her. i'll miss her a lot. it's so sad. :{

- i hate it when people purposely don't respond to you about something. like, um, hey, i KNOW you read it and i KNOW you have things you could say in response to it.. stop being a douche and ANSWER ALREADY. god. i'm impatient, lol.

- work is crazyyy. i have to be in at 5:45 AM on friday, ew. same old drama, same old shit, no need to elaborate on it, i guess.

- i think that's it... everyone have a great christmassss!!! :D


READ SPEAK 2

[Friday
December 12th, 2008 at 8:01pm]
ughh. hopefully someone knows the answer to this.

i have been stealing wireless internet from my neighbors because my only other option is dial-up. over a week ago, when i tried to get on the internet, the IE page wouldn't load, said it couldn't be displayed or whatever that message is. i checked my connection, and it said it couldn't find an IP/TCP. i manually configured the IP/TCP and now it says i have a good connection, nothing is wrong with the connection, and it will repair perfectly fine with no errors. but i still can't load a webpage.

my friend leah thinks its because the neighbors turned on the option that doesn't allow others to use their wireless. does anyone know if this is true, or has any other ideas about what it might be and/or ways i can fix it? i'm having internet withdrawal and using dialup blows ass. :(
READ SPEAK 6

[Thursday
December 4th, 2008 at 12:49am]
stoled this from kristen adventurepants.

1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. The first lines of twenty songs = a poem; the first line of the twenty-first song is the title


it's enjoyable when some of it actually makes sense...Collapse )
READ SPEAK 3

[Thursday
December 4th, 2008 at 12:02am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

i feel so stressed outttt. :(

my mom had foot surgery two days ago, and my dad took the entire week off to take care of her. they said i needed to take time off to take care of zoe or to kennel her, and since it's $20 a day at my vets, i took tuesday-friday off. and oh dear. living 24/7 with my in pain, doped-up mom and my asshole condescending douchebag of a father? NOT FUN. i seriously have wanted to kick him multiple times. i cannot WAIT until i can move out and have no contact with him if i so choose, which i will choose.

to make the day more complicated, when zoe went poop this afternoon, i noticed this thing in her poo that looked exactly like a spaghetti noodle. long story short, my mom said it was roundworm. so i called the vet and they said i just needed to bring the stool in so they could examine it and they would give me the medication. so i got there and it took 20 minutes for the tech to examine the poop or whatever, and then the girl comes back and says that since her shots are due in a week and she hasn't ever officially been examined, that they needed to have that done before the doctor would prescribe the medication. $110 and two hours later, zoe and i left with a powdered medication that has to be mixed in gross wet dog food.

i then freaked out later in the evening, because i fed her the food and she was fine.. but i took her out to go potty and when i brought her back in, she wouldn't stop shivering, for almost an hour, even though she was wrapped in a blanket on my lap. my mom said it was just cause the medication was killing the wormies inside her belly, but i was still really upset and my dad was a total jerk about it and i cried. it sucked. but she just pooped a lot when we went out before bed and she is okay now, playing and not shivering. so that's good.

but i still might kill someone by the time friday is here. :/

READ SPEAK

[Wednesday
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:28am]
[ mood | blah ]

it makes me so depressed sometimes when i look at other peoples' facebooks and see all of their pictures taken where they're out hanging out with their friends at bars (though, don't get me wrong, it does get a little excessive sometimes) and have all these friends and inside jokes from college, and they post pictures of their roommates and dorm rooms. they have friends, multiple. they have lives. it makes me so so sad sometimes.. so sad and so mad at myself that i didn't go away and have that experience, because i wanted so badly to.

READ SPEAK 1

[Thursday
November 20th, 2008 at 12:16am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

it seems like a constant in my life lately that my home life is shitty, and it really sucks.

i went out to lunch with my mom last week to talk to her, to try to make her see my point of view, and most importantly, to tell her that lately i've been having a lot of thoughts about cutting again, or killing myself, and that it's mostly because i'm just so ridiculously stressed out from everything in my life, but mostly things at home, and that we needed to figure things out. she seemed receptive and i thought things would be better. she told me to make a budget for my dad to look at, that maybe he would 'help me out' (as cryptically as she presented it).

things haven't changed. for a day or two, she was nicer to me and more willing to talk and help with zoe. that obviously didn't last long. my dad offered to buy zoe this expensive toy i want for her the other day, but then tonight told me i was a bitch and that all my problems, and how i feel, i 'pretty much bring them all on [myself].'

my mom has never stood up to my dad about anything, and tonight was no exception. she stood there saying nothing, and wondered why i got mad at her, too. she claims she can't rock the boat or whatever because she is disabled and relies on my dad, but fuck that. i rely on my dad right now too, but i'm not going to sit back and take his shit. i am going to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over me, let him think he can get away with that. i'm not that kind of person. but she told me that i 'cause chaos' by sticking up for myself, and that i basically should just keep my mouth shut about anything because it makes her life easier. i expect her to stand up for me too (since, many MANY times i have stood up for her to my dad and gotten myself ripped apart), but she won't. and she's having surgery in two weeks and told me she can't keep dealing with this, with me, because it will raise her blood pressure. it's so disheartening.

brian and i keep trying but it seems like we just fight and fight every time we hang out together. it's draining.

i had an interview for a new job yesterday (well technically not new, it's where i worked before) making twice the money i make now, and i got my hopes up so much that i would have money for christmas, money to move out, money to make my life and zoe's a little more cushioned. it turns out they aren't even making their decision until mid-december and i wouldn't start until after january 1st. i know that's still promising, but i thought it would be a fairly immediate decision thing, like most jobs, and i was crushed when all my big hopes came tumbling down.

i'm sure this sounds melodramatic to some of you, but i don't know what else to say, or how to word it. i feel like i'm barely hanging on, and the only things keeping me together are zoe, the times i get to drown in the words of a book and forget my own life for a while, and being able to spend time with janelle at work when no one is around. and realistically, those things aren't very much to be able to rely on. ;/

READ SPEAK 7

[Monday
October 20th, 2008 at 11:20am]
[ mood | anxious ]

So not only do I have to go to my gramma's funeral on wednesday and calling hours tomorrow, but i have to find an apartment this week. When brian and I broke up, I got zoe because he doesn't have enough time to take care of her without me, so she's been staying at my house. Well, yesterday I got a big lecture that I can't keep her there because she's not pottytrained yet and she can't be left out in the house when we're gone so it's unfair to her. Um, she's three months old. Our old dog wasn't allowed to roam the house when we were gone til he was over a year old. So he gave me a week to find her a new home before he does. So considerate that I have to do it the week where we have to bury my grandma, huh?

I also got a lecture because my mom pretty much hasn't talked to me (except to tell me all the things i do wrong) since last wednesday. I said something about it yesterday, and my dad's answer? "So your mom hasn't talked to you. Boo-hoo. Grow up. It's not her job to pay attention to you."

Awesome.

READ SPEAK 3

[Friday
October 17th, 2008 at 6:46pm]
[ mood | blah ]

my grandma died this morning. I didn't really talk much about her on here cause she's been in a nursing home for a few years with advanced alzheimer's. But i was the only local granddaughter and we were really close. Even when she was sick i was the only person she always recognized and talked to consistently. I'm really sad about it and even though she's so much better off now, i'm going to miss her so much.

i feel empty inside.

READ SPEAK 9

[Monday
October 13th, 2008 at 1:29am]
does anyone have the fifth episode of 90210 they can upload for me? it's the one where they perform the play. my torrents aren't working and my itunes is fucked up and i really don't want to just skip over it. =\ thank you in advance! ♥
READ SPEAK 5

[Monday
October 13th, 2008 at 12:03am]
i have really been enjoying the new season of friday night lights. it seems like it's back to how it was in season one, not the crazy weirdness of season two that, to me, seemed forced and out of place. i'm pleased with lyla/tim and everything's progressing more and damn i love me some connie britton. anyone else been watching that i can fangirl with? :D
READ SPEAK 3

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