i went out to lunch with my mom last week to talk to her, to try to make her see my point of view, and most importantly, to tell her that lately i've been having a lot of thoughts about cutting again, or killing myself, and that it's mostly because i'm just so ridiculously stressed out from everything in my life, but mostly things at home, and that we needed to figure things out. she seemed receptive and i thought things would be better. she told me to make a budget for my dad to look at, that maybe he would 'help me out' (as cryptically as she presented it).
things haven't changed. for a day or two, she was nicer to me and more willing to talk and help with zoe. that obviously didn't last long. my dad offered to buy zoe this expensive toy i want for her the other day, but then tonight told me i was a bitch and that all my problems, and how i feel, i 'pretty much bring them all on [myself].'
my mom has never stood up to my dad about anything, and tonight was no exception. she stood there saying nothing, and wondered why i got mad at her, too. she claims she can't rock the boat or whatever because she is disabled and relies on my dad, but fuck that. i rely on my dad right now too, but i'm not going to sit back and take his shit. i am going to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over me, let him think he can get away with that. i'm not that kind of person. but she told me that i 'cause chaos' by sticking up for myself, and that i basically should just keep my mouth shut about anything because it makes her life easier. i expect her to stand up for me too (since, many MANY times i have stood up for her to my dad and gotten myself ripped apart), but she won't. and she's having surgery in two weeks and told me she can't keep dealing with this, with me, because it will raise her blood pressure. it's so disheartening.
brian and i keep trying but it seems like we just fight and fight every time we hang out together. it's draining.
i had an interview for a new job yesterday (well technically not new, it's where i worked before) making twice the money i make now, and i got my hopes up so much that i would have money for christmas, money to move out, money to make my life and zoe's a little more cushioned. it turns out they aren't even making their decision until mid-december and i wouldn't start until after january 1st. i know that's still promising, but i thought it would be a fairly immediate decision thing, like most jobs, and i was crushed when all my big hopes came tumbling down.
i'm sure this sounds melodramatic to some of you, but i don't know what else to say, or how to word it. i feel like i'm barely hanging on, and the only things keeping me together are zoe, the times i get to drown in the words of a book and forget my own life for a while, and being able to spend time with janelle at work when no one is around. and realistically, those things aren't very much to be able to rely on. ;/