Yes my dears, I am back. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. Other than a quick update earlier in the week, and a proposition for a certain Australian gentleman, my LJ appears to have been neglected.
What caused this stony silence, I hear you mutter. Why stick to the shadows of LJ, you ask. What the fuck have you been doing?
I'll tell you. I've been busy.
You may be shocked to learn I actually have a life outside of LJ, and yes, it has been packed recently. I will not bore you with the details. However, I can tell you most of my coursework is finished, my drama piece is finally on track, I've had fun catching up with friends, and Nick thinks I'm a photoshop wizard.
Here's a few college related highlights:
Sarah wasn't in, so Tasha and I were a duo, like Ant and Dec. We rewrote Snow White. It needs an explicit content warning before it goes on the intranet.
Snow White is a contestant on Big Brother. Evil Stepmother has been evicted and tells everyone to vote her out, but they don't. Snow White is living with 7 other contestants: Chavvy, Bitchy, Punky, Junky, Geeky, Slutty and Dickhead.
Evil Stepmother disguises herself as a new contestant entering the house, "Frenchy". Her disguise is a beret and some onions. "Frenchy" gets everyone to nominate Snow White for eviction by torturing them by means of onions. Upon hearing the results, Snow White breaks down into emo tears. Dermot O'Leary enters and says "Cheer up emo kid, you've won!" and kisses her, breaking Davina McCall's heart. Snow White gets the money and Dermot. The contestants rejoice and Evil Stepmother and Davina McCall form a suicide pact.
Featuring cameo performances by Trevor McDonald, Simon Cowell, and Brian Molko as the Fairy Godmother.
THE STORY THUS FAR
"Evil Stepmother, you have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother house."
"Alright bitch! Tough shit, innit?" said Chavvy, a fellow contestant.
Evil Stepmother walked briskly up to Snow White and slapped her across the face and spat, "It should have been you!"
As Junky looked on in drug-induced bewilderment, Snow White broke down into emo tears, slit her wrists, puched up her thick-rimmed scene glasses and cried "Fine Evil Stepmother! I will die if you wish! Watch my black blood flow like wine!"
Of course, all Junky could see was a multicoloured elephant dancing with a banana shaped Mars Bar.
Evil Stepmother was thrown out of the door by Dickhead as Bitchy watched in amusement. "Good riddance!" they proclaimed before dancing a Scottish jig.
"TV, TV, near the wall, who's the greatest Big Brother contestant of them all?"
The face of Trevor McDonald appeared on-screen, and he said "Why, Snow White of course, you ugly bitch!"
"Oh gosh! My geesh! Trevor, I never imagined you would say such a thing!"
Trevor McDonald removed his mask and revealed himself to be Simon Cowell.
"May i say, your performance on Big Brother is the worst I've ever seen! You belong in Louis' group!"
Evil Stepmother switched off the TV and drifted off into a flashback. Readers, just imagine some dream-like music followed by some MSN noises.
Snow White has been added to the conversation.
Snow White says: hello ppl!
Bitchy says: OMGZ! a new housem8!
Chavvy says: yo.
Geeky says: Greetings. How are you feeling this fine morning?
Punky says: hey dude!
Slutty says: OMFG! ur prittier dan me! u bitch!
Dermot O'Leary says: OMGZ! snow white is teh pretty!
Junky says: TEH MULTICOLOURED ELEFANTS WANT ME 2 TAPDANCE!
Punky says: lol
Evil Stepmother has left the conversation.
"I was the favourite before she joined!" Evil Stepmother snapped, dialing her mobile phone of DOOOOM!
"Margaret, get everyone to vote Snow White out of Big Brother, and bring me some bread."
Meanwhile, at Margaret's house...
"Meh, can't be arsed."
A week late, and Evil Stepmother sat down with her fish and chips and cup of gin in ovaltine to watch her crush, Punky, on Big Brother, only to be greeted by the sight of SNOW WHITE!
"Dear God!" she exclaimed. "That cow!"
Evil Stepmother dialed Margaret's number, only to be greeted by the voicemail message "Go away, Evil Stepmother."
To be continued...
Me: Did anyone watch Regeneration last night?
Rob: I did. What did you think?
Me: I love it.
Rob: Read the books?
Me: I'm reading them right now.
Rob: Nick, what did you think?
Nick: I thought it was...mint.
Nick: In fact, I thought it was sugar.
Omar: Next he'll be saying it was sick.
Nick: [adopts Tim Westwood accent] Oh yeah man, it was sick. It was illin', it was chillin', it was fulfillin'...
Omar: It was a good film though.
Nick: Word. Now get back to work before I bust yo' cap.
Rob: It's bust a cap in yo' ass, not bust yo' cap!
Nick: I'll pop a cap in yo' frame!
Me: [giggling] Jesus Nick, who says that?
Nick: POSH CHAVS! [adopts posh accent] Excuse me sir, please refrain from doing that before I pop a cap in your frame.
Me: You're weird.
Nick: Get back to work.
Film Studies is fun.
We watched the opening sequence of Scream, and Alex ended up practically jumping onto my knee because she was scared. She clutched at me for the rest of the sequence. I felt like I was in Saved By The Bell, where the lads take the girls to a scary movie as an excuse to cuddle the frightened girl. Except hugging Alex wasn't part of my plan. Nor am I a boy. I just don't get scared at films.
WELL DONE REBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!