Here we go.
My cough worsens at night. It is a cough as big as Jarvis. Nay, this is a cough so large, the Wrath of Morrissey in his most emotional state could not compete with it's huge...hugeness.
Perhaps I have Bird-Flu. If this is the case, I'm buggered beyond buggering.
You know, I often ask myself: What is good in life?
I discovered the answer today.
It's your grandma buying you a box of Jaffa Cakes, and then getting home and finding your mother has done the same.
It's seeing a Weird Man talk to a pile of towels, thinking it is Billie Piper.
It's finding Wuthering Heights in a charity shop for £1, whereas it cost £8.99 in Ottakars.
It's the smile on the face of the woman in Cancer Research when I bought something there.
It's the kindness of the boy in HMV who, after discussing the Arctic Monkeys for 10 minutes with me, ran out of the store just to give me my receipt.
It's the bus driver letting you on for free.
It's those precious few moments before you need to cough again.
It's your mum waltzing in your room to say "I like Roxy Music" and then walking out again humming Virginia Plain.
It's driving around with the roof down in the car with your mother, screaming Oh You Pretty Things and Life On Mars? at the top of your lungs, scaring passing chavs.
It's when a chav is jealous of you.
It's playing a song on the guitar without fucking up for the first time.
It's when some kind soul offers to send you a fanzine because you can't get to a gig.
It's when you catch your dad tapping along to Arctic Monkeys, before proclaiming they are shit when you catch him.
It's when friends are generally concerned for your wellbeing, and you know they love you.
It's when you're told you're loved.
It's when you've finally realised you've moved on.
It's when the cat eats the spider that's terrifying you.
It's resolving a fight.
It's a private joke between friends.
It's finding that thing you thought you'd thrown away.
It's looking at past photographs.
It's when you find amusing news articles about otters doing the Macerena.
It's picturing otters doing the Macerena.
It's when you get told your Drama script is "fucking amazing".
It's realising no-one gives a shit whether the chicken or the egg came first.
It's when you dream about Jarvis Cocker locked in a fashion battle with Tim Jonze dressed as a crocodile.
It's when you make lists like this, that make you realise some things in life, no matter how little, are worth it.
That's philosophical me over.
Now, who wants to go Jet-Skiing on a banana?