Sorry, but I find this absolutely hilarious.
HANS: Rene! Rene, the Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
RENE: I have the pill in the till.
HANS: Which is the wine for the General?
RENE: It is here in this jug.
HANS: The pill contains a drug.
RENE: The pill in the till?
HANS: Take it and put it in there.
RENE: Put the drug in the jug?
GRUBER: [entering with gateau] We nearly forgot the most important part of the celebration!
RENE: Oh my God! The gateau from the chateau!
HANS: What about the gateau from the chateau?
RENE: It contains a bomb!
HANS: A bomb in the gateau from the chateau?
RENE: It is to blow up the General. You must not anybody light that fuse.
HANS: Where is the fuse?
RENE: It is the candle with the handle.
HANS: Rene, you do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General!
[Both put head in hands]
HANS: Do you not see that if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!
RENE: Simple plots are always the best.
OH MY GOD! I FUCKING LOVE
MARIA: Rene! You're eavesdropping!
RENE: These Germans, they are terrible people!
MARIA: What have you heard?
RENE: Von Klinkerhoffen is about to be rubbed out!
MARIA: Rubbed out? How?
RENE: Poof! With a cigarette holder.
[Maria looks at Gruber, who is playing piano and smoking]
MARIA: But he plays the piano so beautifully!
RENE: Not 'im!
- just coz I like it!
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