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Billy Boyd
"A photograph is better than a film because it doesn't end."


About Me

Billy Boyd, 20, currently living in California in a shitty little place called Camp Slash, which is not so shitty at the moment because my fiance is damn cool. If I had to give myself a profession I'd say photographer but I've never really had the oppurtunity and/or initiative to get into it properly. I might someday.

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Posted on April 28, 2006 @ 9:39 pm
[ mood | content ]

I cleared something up with Cillian today that I'd been worrying about incessentally, I feel so much better. I'd got it into my stupid, thick, Scottish head that he was sick/bored of me; because he's been quiet lately.

Apparently 'it's never gonna happen'.

It's bad that I'm going to trust him so damn easily. But.. I don't know. I know him. I know him so well and I know how he looks when he's lying- I've seen him do it so many times with waitresses, canteen staff, etc.

He wasn't lying. I'm so sure he wasn't lying.

I love him so much. *whimper*


Posted on April 21, 2006 @ 3:14 pm
[ mood | contemplative ]

Sex in public places, and why it is hot:

a) First and foremost, you could get caught. I'm not sure why that is hot, but it really, really is. I think adrenaline plays a part in it, I'm not sure. But it's amazing, anyway.

b) It's frantic. There's an urgency there with 'public place sex', that you very rarely get anywhere else. For starters, being desperate enough to do it in public generally leads to urgency.

c) Nothing is ever the same. No two locations are the same. A bedroom.. a living room.. a kitchen.. a bathroom; those things you eventually get to know, become used to. Public stuff happens in a location, usually, where you've never done it before; excluding back-of-the-car sex (which is still hot). I once fucked a girl at the very back of a library; and half way through, one of the shelves began to collapse, and the sudden rush of adrenaline is extremely hot. It's a thing. I don't know; say you're in an alley someplace, you don't know where there's a door, or a window.. It's all new.

d) Voyeurism. Oh come on, it's a biological fact that everybody is at least a little turned on by watching other people get off. And jealous. Call me a prick, but I like the idea of people seeing and knowing that at that moment I have something they don't have; perhaps because it's something I never had as a kid, or some such freudian bullshit, I don't know. But I like it. Doesn't mean I want people watching, doesn't mean I wouldn't be pissed if they saw, but the idea that they might see- that's the thrill.

e) Positions. Yeah, I'm smutty. But come on; you're rarely going to be able to do standard, ordinary position sex in a public place. It's standing a lot of the time, or.. just- something you don't usually do. Doesn't mean you don't love the ordinary stuff, but the unusual stuff is exciting.

f) Restraint. No, not in the bondage way. In the biting-my-lip-so-hard-it-might-bleed-to-keep-from-screaming way. It's hot, right? Whispering to each other and nearly screaming but holding back just at the last second, often by biting which is also fucking hot.

g) Trust. Yes I'm going to have a schmoopy moment here. But.. ok, here goes. To allow yourself to let go with somebody, in public, when you both might get in trouble for it (and I'm not talking one-night-stand-back-alley-behind-a-pub, here, I'm talking proper public place); that takes trust, and some degree of devotion. "I love, want, and need you so much that I am willing to risk getting into some serious trouble, just to touch you right now." That's more sexy than all of the above.


Posted on April 13, 2006 @ 2:30 am
Feeling a bit better today, I went window shopping (it's what people with no money do!), it was great. I saw about 50 things I would buy if I had the money (slight exaggeration? maybe), and about 60% of them were accessories. So eh.. Where did my vagina go? Because really, I'm sure I must have one somewhere around here.

It comes from living with three women, then two, for a while, is my thinking. And dad was never around too much in the first place.. and my dog was a girl (hence the name, Lassie).

I think I'll go do some seducing, now.

What an utterly pointless update..

Posted on April 09, 2006 @ 1:09 am
[ mood | crappy ]

Urgh. Last night I had my first nightmare for a while. I wish I could have nightmares about the things people are meant to have nightmares about. I wish I could dream about fucking.. ghosts or aliens or something, at least that wouldn't be real. But my nightmares.. they're all just memories, of all the shit that went before, and I was just
about getting used to the old four years ago shit, but then it happened again and I have a whole new shiny set of nightmares.

I'm so happy with you, but God, I'm so miserable whenever I think about the past. It's not something I can help, it took something from me the first time and I never got it back, it got replaced with something different, and then he took that from me, and that's been replaced with something different but it's never the me I was before I
met him, I'll never be the same and while I like the way I am now sometimes I miss being hopeful, and optimistic and alive and childish. I managed to hold onto that even after Dad died, and it was harder to hold onto after Mum killed herself but I managed, I made myself because I had Maggie and my Gran and while life was really bloody
shit, I still had my whole life ahead of me to make it not shit.

That's what Brian took from me. And I feel the pathetic need to stop saying his name, to replace it with something more insulting, or just more vague. I'm tired of living with him even when he's nowhere near. 75% of what I am today comes from him, from everything he put me through. I'm so armoured, even when life is making me so happy like now I have a guard that I'll never quite let down, I have this pessimism I'll never shake. Everyday, I think it might be our last because somehow, he'll have wrecked it. You'll decide I disgust you and leave, or even- in my terrifying, worst case scenario as happened before- he'll do something again. Living with that hanging over me isn't fun, I feel ill all the time and as you have quite plainly seen, I can't eat. And I'm fully aware that I really need to eat.

You say you love me. Have you any idea how long it took me to convince myself that you're telling the truth? Pretty much up until you proposed. And even now, I get scared. I don't think you're lying, no, I know that if you don't love me it's not your fault. I just get so terrified that you've made a mistake, and sooner or later you're going to realise it- everything is moving so fast, and it's wonderful but it's terrifying at the same time. I don't know what to do if you leave me- except that, I do, and that's even scarier, because I've done it before. A few times, which is not something I should really talk about.

I just.. God, sometimes I wonder if you don't realise just quite how fucked up I am, the person you've chosen to spend your life with, I wonder if I hide it without even meaning to. When I met you.. I was still cutting, not eating, drunk all the fucking time. I went to that club in Athena to get picked up and used and allow myself to be used and train myself not to care, because then it would hurt less. I knew- still know- one of my friends has a gun and was just counting down the days and the hurts until I could use it, on myself, and just fucking leave. That failing, I had a whole different array of methods, though I learnt Christmas before last that the drowning thing really doesn't work. You said once- I think it was when you were drunk that time- that I was damaged, probably beyond repair. I'm not sure what made you forget that, maybe it was because you're fixing me every single day, even if you don't realise it. I'm not that fucked up anymore, honestly I'm not, and I don't want to die so long as I have you, and I don't cut and I don't drink all that much now, and I'm really trying with the eating thing. I mean, it would be really nice if all of my friends hadn't decided to abandon me- but that I can live with, and be a bitch about, when there's you.

I don't know why I've gone off on this tangent, I was meant to be detailing my dream, I guess talking about him just reminds me what he's done to me. I'm trying to get better..

It hurts, with the friends thing, because Brian took my friends away from me- or took me away from them, against my will, whatever- back in Glasgow, and this time everything was meant to be ok because I had them, everybody promised me that things would be ok, they wouldn't let him get to me, they'd all be around me. Let's see, I was left on my own… and he got to me, and nearly killed me. No, it would still be ok, they'd help me get better, they were so many, all loving me. The only one who stood by me was Scarlett. The only one. Orlando got a new boyfriend and ran off to Manchester, the first time he spoke to me out of hospital was over the phone, and then every time I saw him after that "oh look, Billy, we're going to practically have sex in front of you, just to drum it into you what he did a little bit more."

Ok, so now I feel horrible, it would be a good time to detail the nightmare. Memory. Flashback. Thing. And stop being such a bitch.

It's all the time, you know. I always dream, even if they're not nightmares they're fucked up, I never just.. sleep. But I guess there is a plus side; I always wake up needing you.

This time was a memory, straight forward, no fucked up twists or illusions, just a memory of what he did the last time, being tied inthat fucking chair and the blood running down my face where he hit me, and that's the feeling I always remember; warm wetness on my cheeks and the side of my head, and the copper tang in my mouth. The doctor
said I was lucky he didn't kill me. Of course, I didn't feel it at the time. I was just tired, I could quite happily have gone to sleep and never woken up. I was angry with everyone. Anyway, tangent again- there's a lot inside and sometimes it doesn't come out in the order it should. So I'm tied sitting in that chair, can't see a damn thing it's so dark down there, and he hits me a few more times before untying me, and obviously my first thought is to get away but he's 6 foot something and a hell of a lot stronger than me, asks me- asks me if I kept my hole open for him and I just feel sick, then he does what he does- and I'm not going into detail there- until I'm bleeding (I'm told he tore something), and leaves me there to die. And the next thing I remember is hospital, though I'm told I was awake and crying before then.

Yeah, typing this is.. really hard. Meh.

The trial, I'm uh- I'm terrified, really. It's.. I know there's a very small chance of me losing, but there is a chance and it's there and that's always going to be at the back of my mind until they say the verdict, and I have to see him and do you really think that crappy little, small town security are going to be able to keep him from getting to me when I'm standing right there? In the corridor, or wherever. He tried last time, but you know- Glasgow's a big city, the courts there can afford good security. Athena doesn't even have a Starbucks. And I know I have to do it, I know I need to do it otherwise it's hanging over me my entire life, I want it gone. But then there's always the fact that they don't hand out life sentences for rape.

I want to live, and the past few months have been so so wonderful because I am, with you, and I intend to keep it that way. I'm happy. When there's you.

I love you.


O.o [
Posted on April 07, 2006 @ 11:10 am
So last night I had possibly the best sex of my life. Ok.. scratch the possibly, I had the best sex.. of my life..

And I apologise if anybody I slept with before Cillian is reading this, but.. yeah, nothing I can do about it I'm afraid. a) You shouldn't be reading my diary, fuckasses. b) You were just never that good. I'd say you need more practise but.. Dom? Really shouldn't.

I'm a bitch ^__^

*faints a little* so, I should eat before I exert myself again, seriously, bc for a while there I was surviving and getting energy from reserves- but now? I can feel myself winding down, less and less energy everyday and the only thing I can find energy for is sex, which is really not a bad thing, and I'm not complaining, but it would be nice to want to get up in the mornings instead of just.. meh. This is turning into a whine.

Bottom line of this post; I have great fantastically amazing sex. End of story.

*loves Cillian* I am keeping you. Keeping you, you hear?! *determination*

I need to stop doing surveys. [
Posted on March 29, 2006 @ 9:02 am
1* 2nd grade teacher's name? Miss McCabrey
2* Last word you said?: no
3* Last song you sang?: I can't remember.. Possibly; White Stripes - Hotel Yorba
4* Last person you hugged?: Cill
5* Last thing you laughed at?: Cill
6* Last time you said I don't remember?: Just up there, hee.
7* Last time you cried?: Few weeks ago.
9* What color socks are you wearing?: White.
10* What's under your bed?: Nothing, far's I know. Possibly a lot of fluff and dust, and dust-fluff.
11* What time did you wake up today?: 11am. God, I love being unemployed.
12* Current taste?: Nothing?
13* Current hair?: Normal.. possibly a bit ruffled.
15* Current annoyance?: OMG. I don't know if I have one. How fucked up. O.o I can't be a bitch if nothing's annoying me. *searches frantically for something annoying* omg.. ehm, ok. ok.. This.. chair.. is slightly uncomfortable right now. Christ, that's pathetic.
16* Current longing?: Sex. Ahahaha. When is it not?
17* Current desktop background?: Naked Cillian (from that Tuesday), which is why I am not letting anybody else apart from him on this computer ever.
18* Current worry?: Trial.
19* Current hate?: All things trial-related.
20* Current favorite article of clothing?: My new scarf.
21* Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?: Eyes.
22* Last CD that you listened to?: The White Stripes, uhmmm.. the one with Hotel Yorba on it.
23* Favorite place to be?: In bed with Cillian. Yes I am pathetic, shut up.
24* Least favorite place?: Right now the cellar. Bc.. yeah. I don't intend on ever going in there again. I can barely walk past the place.
25* Time you wake up in the morning? 11-ish.
26* If you could play an instrument, what would you play?: I play Guitar, and Bass, and a bit of Piano.. but if I could choose any then I guess something pretentious like flute :P
27* Favorite color(s)?: Blue, green, yellow, brown.
28* Do you believe in an afterlife?: Not really, as much as I'd love to.
29* How tall are you?: 5'6"
30* Current favorite word/saying?: Ner.
31* Favorite book?: I don't read, unless it's trashy trashy novella porn, so.. nothing.
32* Favorite season?: Autumn.
33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?: My mum.
35* Where do you want to go for college?: Not going.
36* What is your career going to be like?: Probably boring and monotonous, stacking shelves isn't the most fun ever.
37* How many kids do you want?: ... *is scared*


39* Said "I love you" and meant it?: Yes
40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish?: No..
41* Been to New York?: Yes! =D
42* Been to Florida?: No
43* Been to California?: I'm there now.
44* Been to Hawaii?: No
45* Been to Mexico?: No
46* Been to China?: No
48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: No..


52* Do you have a crush on someone?: If he counts ;)
53* What book are you reading now?: I'm not reading anything.
54* Worst feeling in the world?: Defenselessness. Caged-ness.
55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Oh thank God that was just a nightmare?
56* How many rings before you answer?: As many as it takes for me to get to the phone.
57* Future daughter's name?: ...Let's say Maggie for fun, but I don't think it's happening.
58* Future son's name?: I could carry on the family tradition and call him William? I don't know. Not happening, again, so.
59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: No.
60* If you could have any job you want?: Photographer.
61* Who do you wish were with you now?: I'm with him. Aghhh the sap. But in terms of 'company', then my parents and sister, always, and Cillian there too.
62* College plans?: Not going.
63* Piercings?: Ears.


64* Do you do drugs?: Socially. And never going near heroine.
65* Do you drink?: Yeah.
67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: Whatever I can reach easiest.
68* What are you most scared of?: Like.. Brian, losing the trial, losing Cill, losing.. what I'm feeling right now, really. Don't want any of this to end.
69* What clothes do you sleep in?: Usually none, depending on activities before bed.
70* Who is the last person that called you?: Orlando, months ago.
71* Where do you want to get married?: *hee* I think it might be Ireland, not sure.
72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: I'd probably be slightly taller.
73* Who do you really hate?: Brian. I really wish his name could just leave my head forever. Pretty much anyone like Brian.
74* Been In Love?: Yes.
75* Are you timely or always late?: Always late.
76* Do you have a job?: No.
77* Do you like being around people?: Depends on who, right?
78* Best feeling in the world?: Sex. XD Uhm, love, probably- right now anyway. When everything seems to be going right, that's a damn good feeling.
79* Are you for world peace?: Of course.
80* Are you a health freak?: I.. don't eat, so no.
81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after? Nah.
82* Do you want someone you don't have?: No.
83* Are you lonely right now?: No.
84* Ever afraid you'll never get married?: Hee. Ehm, I get wobbly that it'll all go wrong and we won't, yeah.
85* Do you want to get married?: Yes. Yes yes yes.
86* Do you want kids?: It.. depends, on a lot. But right now no.


87* Cried?: No.
88* Bought Something?: Yes
89* Gotten Sick?: No.
90* Sang?: Yes.
91* Said I Love You?: Yes.
92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them & didnt?: No.
93* Met Someone?: No.
94* Moved On?: No.
95* Talked To Someone?: Yes.
96* Had A Serious Talk?: No..
97* Missed Someone?: Yeah, I miss them (parents) everyday, eh. I don't know if that'll ever stop.
98* Hugged Someone?: Yes.
99* Yelled at Someone?: No.
100* Eaten: No. :-X

Posted on March 28, 2006 @ 1:50 am
Taken a picture naked? Yes.

Made out with a member of the same sex? Yes.

Danced in front of your mirror? Yes.

Told a lie? Yes.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes.

Been in a fist fight? Yes.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes.

Been arrested? Yes.

Left your house without telling your parents? Yes.

Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes.

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes.

Seen someone die? Yes.

Kissed a picture? Yes.

Slept in until 3? Yes.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.

Played dress up? Yes.

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes.

Felt an earthquake? No.

Touched a snake? Yes.

Ran a red light? Yes.

Had detention? Yes.

Been in a car accident? Yes.

Pole danced? No.

Been lost? Yes.

Sang karaoke? Yes.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.

Kissed in the rain? Yes.

Sang in the shower? Yes.

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.

Ever gone to school partially naked? No.

Sat on a roof top? No.

Played chicken? Yes.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes.

Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes.

Broken a bone? Yes.

Mooned/flashed someone? No.

Forgotten someone's name? Yes.

Slept naked? Yes.

Blacked out from drinking? Yes.

Played a prank on someone? Yes.

Felt like killing someone? Yes.

Made a parent cry? Yes.

Cried over someone? Yes.

Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes.

Had/Have a dog? Yes.

Been in a band? Yes.

Drank 25 sodas in a day....aka POP? No.

Shot a gun? Yes.

Posted on March 26, 2006 @ 11:24 am
So today I bought new jeans and a new t-shirt to fit my skinnyness because I was tired of looking like I was wearing hand-me-downs, and some new (fashion) trainers because they were 75% off and they're really nice, and dark green and brown and I couldn't resist. And I bought a lighter scarf because mine is too hot now in the warming-up-ness, and I have to have a scarf, it's law. I need to stop spending money I don't have, I really do, I am so bloody overdrawn on my bank account I begin to seriously consider getting a job in Athena, but then we're running off to Europe after the trial, and it's not like the trial would give me any time to work, so I guess I have to just.. be overdrawn for a while longer. I spent the last of my actual, paper, not-made-up money on my camera, though. And that's a very worthwhile thing to have spent it on. I get to take pictures of you and stare at you even longer.

So, yes. New clothes! And new shoes! It's all good. *trots off to play with new scarf*

Posted on March 20, 2006 @ 11:27 pm
What is your favorite..
gum: Spearmint.
restaurant: Anywhere Thai..
drink: Scotch. But obviously, I don't drink it that much.
season: Autumn.
type of weather: Crisp cold, sunny, red leaves.
emotion: Freedom; trust me, you learn to appreciate that. Love. Probably lust..
thing to do on a half day: Sleep forever, have sex if possible (without being a slut, preferably), listen to music (a lot of music), do photography, edit photos.. fuck about online and do stupid surveys, apparently. I like walking, too.
late-night activity: Haha.. sex. Sleep. More music. More photo editing. More stupid online shit..
sport: Eh, I don't really have one. Football if I had to choose.
city: Glasgow, of course :P *ignores the fact that it's a shithole*
store: I'm going to be ever so sad and say Jessops photography back in Glasgow..

When was the last time you..
cried: Ehm.. two weeks ago. Which has to be some kind of record for me. Woot! Discussing Brian and the fact I could lose the damn trial. -.-
played a sport: First week here. Good Lord that's over a year ago.. *dies*
laughed: Just now, because you said something funny :P
hugged someone: Just now..
kissed someone: Just now..
felt depressed: Realising what day you left camp and where I was.
felt elated: Pretty much do right now..
felt overworked: Before leaving Glasgow (please, please let me type Glasgae? It feels so much more natural.)
faked sick: Possibly last time I didn't want to eat.. :-X
lied: Quite a while ago, actually. Probably the last time I told Orlando I was fine. (*looks at sentence* hey look, that's a lie right there.)

What was the last..
word you said: Too.
thing you ate: *headdesk* had to ask about the food, dincha? Fries,.. night.. before last. Which probably means I should attempt to eat something at this party.
song you listened to: Some weird shit that came on the radio and I didn't recognise for being so out of the loop.
thing you drank: Juice, because I am a kid.
place you went to: Athena beach. *hee*
movie you saw: Christ, that was back in Glasgow. Alexander? And God was that awful.
movie you rented: *thinks back into the mists of time* Probably porn. Or wait.. no.. hell, I don't remember.
concert you attended: Coldplay, wahaha..

Who was the last person you..
hugged: Cill.
cried over: Cill.
kissed: Cill.
danced with: Cill.
shared a secret with: Cill. Omg. lmfao. See, when I say you're my life- it's not even figurative! *dies*
had a sleepover with: Jake and Emma.
called: I.. think Orlando, back in the day, eh?
went to a movie with: Ali.
saw: Cill.
were angry with: Orlando and Jake.. Eh.
couldn't take your eyes off of: Cill.
obsessed over: Wahaha. Cillian :P

Have you ever..
danced in the rain: Yeah.
kissed someone: I seem to remember that, yeah... ;)
done drugs: Yes. Prescription (prescribed and the like), pot, and social cocaine-ing, and E a loooong long time ago.
drank alcohol: Yes.
slept around: Kinda, but probably not as extreme as that.
partied 'til the sun came up: Yes.
had a movie marathon: A couple.
gone too far on a dare: No.. damn, I feel deprived :P
spun until you were immensely dizzy: Sure.
taken a survey quite like this before: You have no idea.


Name:- William (Billy) Boyd.
Do you like it?:- It's cool, I have alliteration. Hehe. But I would have kinda liked a middle name. Oh well, working class, what can ya do *shrug*
Nicknames:- Bill, Bills, Billy, Billers <--hate that one, Boyd, Pickle.
Age:- 20
Birthday:- August 28th.
Sign:- Virgo.
Location:- Currently Hell Camp, California.
Status:- Engaged. Oo, that felt good.
Crush:- Little more than that, ch'yeah.
Virgin?:- HEE. Ehm, I mean no.
Natural hair color:- *cringe* Oh God no. Uhm, it's red. Nurgh..
Current hair color:- Dark brownish.
Eye color:- Green.
Height:- 5'7"
Birthplace:- Easterhouse, Glasgow.
Shoe size:- 5. Yeah, you heard. And don't go making assumptions based on that.
Bra size:- N/A

[ Family ]
Parents:- William and Mary. Deceased.
Siblings:- Younger sister, Maggie.
Live with:- Cillian.
Favorite relative:- Was my sister, but considering I haven't seen her since I was 16.. I don't know. Jeez, the family section is morbid with me, isn't it?

[ Favorites ]
Number:- 8
Colour:- Green.
Day:- Doesn't it kind of depend on what's happening on each day? Eh.
Month:- October.
Song:- Coldplay - Yellow
Movie:- Not a clue. 'Godfather'? And 'Gregory's Girl'.
Food:- Thai.
Band:- Coldplay. And the Goo Goo Dolls have seen me through some stuff..
Season:- Autumn.
Sport(s):- Football.
Class:- Don't do any, but probably would be photography.
Teacher:- Don't have any.
Drink(s):- Scotch.
Veggie:- None? Lettuce.
TV Show:- Queer as Folk UK, come on guys.
Radio Station:- Scotland FM :P
Store: Jessops in Glasgae.
Word:- Supercallifragilisticexpialidocious, of course. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.. :-X I had to, sorry.
Animal:- Fox.
Flower:- I don't know.. most of them, really. Wild buttercup.
State:- County.. Whatever county Glasgow is in ((that would be Emily being an idiot)).

[ Love and Relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?:- Fiance.
Do you have a crush?:- Not on anyone else. *shrug*
How long have you liked him/her?:- Since June.
Who was your first love?:- Brian. But we're not gonna talk about that one.

[ The Past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your life:- That.. I.. didn't move in with a 28 year old man with a helluva bad reputation at 16? Maybe would have been smarter to just.. not. Second to that, that I'd fucking got help. But then.. wouldn't be with you, so oh well, sacrifices for the greater destiny and all that Homeric crap. Oh, that I'd realised I love you sooner.
Last thing you heard:- Johnny Rzeznick singing to me :P Not a bad thing to hear..
Last thing you saw:- This.
Last thing you said:- mind, but it's oooover to yoouuuu (singing)
Who is the last person you saw?:- Cill.
Who is the last person you kissed?:- Cill.
Who is the last person you hugged?:- Cill.
Who is the last person you fought with?:- Orlando. Over that whole, freedom thing. Aaaages ago.
What is the last song you heard?:- Goo Goo Dolls - Think About Me

[ The Present ]
What are you wearing?:- Jeans and green t-shirt.
What are you doing?:- Oh I'm just making a cup of tea. Jesus, WOULD THIS BE EASY TO DO IF I WAS DOING SOMETHING ELSE? -.- Men don't multi-task.
What song are you listening to?:- Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy
Where are you?:- Cabin.
Who are you with?:- Cill. How many times do you plan on making me type his name?
Are you online?:- Nope, I found this growing on a tree in the field I am currently sitting in writing merrily with my quill. -.-
How are you feeling?:- Happy and such. And kinda horny, but when does that change?
Are you in a chatroom?:- No.

[ Future ]
What day is it tomorrow?:- Friday.
What are you going to do after this?:- Go to Cill's Patty's day party.
Who are you going to talk to?:- Cill, probably just about anyone else who shows.
Where are you going to go?:- Party.
How old will you be when you graduate?:- Not going to uni. Or didn't go, whatever.
What do you wanna be?:- Photographer, but seriously doubt that will happen, so whatever. For the sake of pessimism, how about I just say a shelf stacker? ^_^
What is one of your dreams?:- To.. be a photographer and get paid for it and stuff, still not going to happen.
Where will you be in 25 years?:- No idea. But I'd like to be married to Cillian and living.. wherever, with him.

[ Other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?:- Cursive.
Are you a lefty or a righty?:- Left. Ooo..
What is your sexual preference?:- Either will do.
What piercings do you have?:- Ears.
Do you drive?:- Yeah. Terrifyingly.
Do you have glasses or braces?:- No.
Did you like this survey?:- Eh. S'ok.

[ Physical Appearance ]
What do you most like about your body?:- My eyes.
How many fillings do you have?: A few.
Do you think you're good looking?:- I can be if I really want to be. But on the whole no.
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?:- A few, but I say they lie.
Do you look like any celebrities?:- I don't think so.

[ Fashion ]
Do you wear a watch?:- No.
How many coats and jackets do you own?:- One.
Favorite pants/skirt color?: Blue denim. Though if we're going for the skirt angle.. gimme tartan :P
Most expensive item of clothing:- Yeah, I've never had that kind of money so, nothing.
Most treasured?:- Comfy shoes which actually fit me/are small enough for me.
What kind of shoes do you wear?:- Trainers, but the fashion kind not the sports kind, if I can help it.
Describe your style:- Kind of gay 20 year old Scottish skinny guy doing his best to look somewhat cool on a minimal budget.

Posted on February 18, 2006 @ 11:22 pm
Looks like I'm engaged..

*dances madly*

Random letter-type entry. [
Posted on December 31, 2005 @ 1:06 pm
So fucking in love ^_^ it's brilliant.

Kind of reminds me that life does have an odd way of sorting you out, sorting itself out, and helping you out when everything goes wrong. I mean.. how did I meet you, Cill? I was out, drinking, planning on getting picked up by some random guy (or girl, really), utterly intent on spending the rest of my life wasted. And then you come along and appear to be the random guy and you change.. everything. It could have been anyone took an interest in me that night (and when I say anyone, I mean anyone who finds me attractive so probably.. five people? Out of five thousand, heh), and I could have still been just as fucked up now. And it was you. And then- we're just.. I don't know, 'just fucking', and then I say 'let's go' and you say 'ok' and I say 'where?' and you say 'disneyland', and bam.. love.

So thankyou, I love you more all the time, and.. happy new year! You say I changed you, God, if only you could know how much you've actually changed me, and how much I do need you.

Posted on November 03, 2005 @ 10:09 pm
Why do I always have to fuck up.

Having one of the best weeks of my life- by the way- in disneyland.

Update.. [
Posted on August 28, 2005 @ 2:04 pm
[ mood | Thinking.. Probably too much. ]

This might be an interesting entry..

I left the hotel.. just over.. a week? Two weeks? Ago now.. Left Jake there, needed some time to think. Came back and did.. not alot of thinking. Not alot else, either. Slept. Then.. I think it was the next day, I saw Jake, here, and I was just angry- for no good reason just.. angry, and bitchy, and I wanted him to leave me but I couldn't leave him.. So naturally, when Dom turned up I turned around and kissed him. Don't ask me why that seemed like a good idea. Don't ask me why he kissed back. But Jake bought it, anyhow.. and.. attacked a tree? You see how weird and fucked up my life is?! He attacked a tree and was then SURPRISED when it cut his hand all up, and spurted all this crap about loving me but how I'd drive him to drink and gave me his ring and buggered off..

Well.. Byebye Jakey...

Sound like I don't care. I infact do care. So much it hurts like fuck just thinking about it, kills me.

But- I can't make him come back. And time apart is probably best. And at least now, perhaps, in recovery, I can think just about myself, concentrate on what I need- and perhaps the recovery will be better for that..

Got so fucking drunk that night, with Dom, took Orlando to prise the bottle out of my hands and out of reach, and pull Dom away from me when we kissed again.. and I feel like shit because.. an hour of his time, he spent with me, held me, talked me into comfort and sleep, persuaded me that sex- drink- was not the answer. And after he left I slept for all of ten minutes until Dom came back, snuck back in, went back to sleep and all it took was a dream and a kiss and then there I was spreading my legs like some cheap whore for him (no offence, Charlie, it's not like you're cheap..) and barely even thinking about it until after we came. Then I felt dirty, and lonely. But I still felt release..

I never meant to just disregard what Orli said to me. Never. And I so never want it to seem like they were wasted words.. But I'm an idiot and it seems I can never just do what's good for me. I have to find release blah blah blah etcetc

Went out the next night got drunk met Cillian he took me back to camp and fucked me. Twice. And the next day. And the next day on camera..

So I guess I'm self destructive. But.. Cillian makes me happy, you know? Not in the 'in love' way.. but.. like a teenager (which, incidentally, I stop being today).. fluffy and giggly, you know? Smitten. But not.. I don't know. I guess it's like an addiction, right? The sex- the attention- makes me feel good even though in the long run it's without doubt going to hurt me just like cigarettes or cocaine or alcohol. And I can't stop..

Today, though, today is different. Today is my birthday! And I'm not going to touch a single drink, and I'm not going to shag anyone. I'm just going to be Billy! Turning twenty in the most positive way possible under the circumstances. End of a really crappy chapter of my life and hopefully the start of a better one, even if only marginally better.

Twenty.. When the fuck did that happen? And what stage do you have to get to to not realise until like- the DAY before?? Crept up on me..

Happy birthday to me.. *Hums*


Posted on June 11, 2005 @ 8:25 pm
"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Ok, so those lyrics may slightly exaggerate the situation, and we might both be in love with completely different people. But it pretty much suits. WHAT THE FUCK BOYD? This is stupid, you always fall for those you can't have and when you finally have someone who has fallen right back, you go and fall for someone else at the same time! ARGH! Silly stupid fucking bastard. So here I am taking a leaf out of my Jakey's book and writing it all down, figure he must get something out of it so it's worth a try...

Had yet another dream about her last night, I figure this all must have alot to do with the fact that she's a girl- she could never do to me what Brian did, I have nothing to fear with her. So I keep on dreaming, and it would be ok if it was me, her, and Jake. But it's not it's just me and her. Feck. Better get on with the description, huh? Wish there was nothing to describe. This is last night's episode, anyway, though it's mostly the same every night.

It's light, really light, every inch of her is lit up and she's glowing like a fucking angel, all that's going through my head is 'there's no way I deserve this'. But in my dream it's happening anyway. There's no build up just- me inside of her and gentle and her sucking me in like a vacuum, wet heat, not like a man- it's not like I've not slept with a woman for a long time, I know what to do, I'm familiar with it. But it still blows me away. The thrusting is easy- that's either because in real life I'm fucking thin air or because in the dream she's close- or both. But it's easy and smooth and beautiful and hot and passionate and she's moving underneath me and running nails ever so gently over the skin of my back, my face buried in her neck as I thrust in, out, in, out, like breathing. Her hair is spread out around her all golden and shining in the light from- wherever the light is coming from- and her breasts are full and soft beneath my lips when I kiss a trail from her neck downward, always at that point I think- come on, she must be an angel, or a Goddess- no normal human could ever be this amazing.

Then she cries out, breaks the silence, and I cry out too, and I'm going to come golden and powerful and clear and then I wake up. And I never come. And I can't touch myself, it's too painful to even think about that, and nobody else can touch me. So I just lie there, frustrated, until the erection subsides and I can get up, have a shower, draw a few sacred patterns in blood on my thighs, and lie drying in bed until morning comes.

Exciting life, innit?

Posted on May 29, 2005 @ 10:31 pm
Lying in bed with my face buried in the pillow when the phone rings. Right on my bedside table. I really don't want to answer it for a moment, really just want to leave it, curl up and leave it to ring and ring and ring until whoever it is leaves a message.

But, alas, I know I can't. I know it might be important, from the police or, the hospital or, the courts...So I reach out and pick it up. Not sleepy. Not tired. Not sleeping. Just down, down and out. Feeling lost a little.

"Hello? H- Orli?"
"Hi Billy"
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Thursday morning. Beginnings and endings. [
Posted on February 27, 2005 @ 10:44 pm
Could you whisper in my ear,
The things you wanna feel,
I’d give you anything,
Do you feel it coming?

Read more...Collapse )
It must take several knocks on the door before I register them, and stand, headphones still plugged into my ears.

“Coming! One second!”

It’s probably Emma, or Scarlett, or even Orlando. I make the sheets look a little less like I’ve been lying on them, close my photography portfolio where it lies open on the desk, and walk to the door. I open it without a thought.

“Hi, Billy”

Fuck. Slam it in his face. Doesn’t work. His foot in the door. Holding it open there. No. No. No. Panic makes my skin crawl, hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Go away. Go away I don’t want you here. Please. Please.

Fuck Jake come home, come home...

Stumble back away from him. Go away. Go the fuck away. Please don’t.

“Brian don’t do this”
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Hitting Hard. [
Posted on January 31, 2005 @ 3:10 pm
The news that Brian is coming for me has hit me hard, isn't bad news meant to get better each day?

It hasn't. It's got worse. Because every day brings me closer to the time he actually arrives.

And when he comes he will hurt me. I don't think the amount anybody fights will stop that.


I'm terrified.

On a lighter note!

Me and Jake broke up.


Then we got back together! Yay!

If I had more time I would write more, but alas I don't, Jakey is waiting for me and I have things to do.

p.s I got a job in the library! assistant to Rachel :)
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Tuesday afternoon- 16:32 [
Posted on December 18, 2004 @ 4:48 pm
[ mood | silly ]

I'm so bored. I wish I could get out more but...no...Billy has to stay home and be a good boy today, no bottle, no angst, sit at home and relax and be a good little boy for Jake.

I sigh as I check my watch for the thousandth time today, 4:32...ten minutes later than the last time I checked.

God, if I'd have known rehab would be this boring I would have been more careful not to let Jake find out. Damnit. Sighing again I fish my personal walkman from my bag and flip it on- just the one song in there, one that means alot to me in my own sad and pathetic way.

And I can't help but sing along, I can't help it, anyone could easily hear- I'm loud enough, and that would probably embaress me (that naked feeling of them having seen a part of me that wasn't to be shown just yet).

But singing is in my soul, in my blood, and the lyrics just flow.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

(his voice gives me shivers, and just for a moment my voice stutters and shifts, it always does that to me, the voice I want whispering in my ear...amazing, but I carry on nonetheless and sing because I need to- because singing heals the soul)

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

(lost in the music that comes between this part and the next, violins, guitar solo, anticipation. And her voice floats back to the song. Quickly followed by his.)

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am....

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am...

I just want you to know who I am...

I just want you to know who I am...

I just want you to know who I am........

The cheers and the clapping fill my ears- and just for a second, it's easy to believe they're for me.

song= Goo goo dolls sung live by Avril Lavigne and Johnny Rzeznick- Iris

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