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[19 Apr 2010|04:34pm]

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in the summer time [17 Jul 2007|10:10pm]
In the summertime when the weather is high
You can stretch right up and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
You got women, you got women on your mind
Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find

god. ugghhh fuck.
i haven't felt so alone in a long time. i'm dealing with a lot of shit and it's just been building up and right now i need to do what i do best.. UNLOAD. and get all this shit off of my chest. just spill my guts to a best friend.
but no one is there for me. i haven't talked to my "best friend" in over a month because i've been so busy and haven't had time to call her. and i don't wanna just call her now because i have a bunch of shit to talk about. my other best friend's dealing with shit, some unavailable, basically everyone i need to talk to is some way or another.. busy. either that or they're the ones that i need to talk ABOUT.
fuck. this never happens to me. and when it does, i lean on my back ups. you know, those people who just love you for some reason or another? and you never really talk to them unless you reeeallly need to talk to someone. they're the people you hang out with when there's nothing else to do. well now, looking through my Contacts on my cell phone for those people, i can't seem to find any. those people that are good enough friends to stick by my side and let me use the hell out of them, are all gone. i ran out of them.i treated them like shit, they realized it, and now they're gone.

when i felt lonely, i always used to turn to my journal. and there were times when i was REALLY really lonely, for a long ass time. i made it a point to journal my shit every day. but when i started to make friends, have fun, go out a lot, feel loved.. i started to consider writing in a journal a last resort.
and here i am.
i used to love writing. looking back i did a lot of cool shit when i had time on my hands. having no friends made me pretty creative. i feel bad for throwing it all away. i never do cool stuff anymore and if i'm not out with friends, at work, at school, then i'm BOOORED. BORED BORED BORED BORED. "THERE'S NOTHING TO DO IN THIS HOUSE".
i never read, write, draw, nothing anymore. i used to be really good a photoshop and animation shop and i'd make some really tight ass things.
now the only time i open photoshop is to remove some blemishes for a stupid myspace picture.
i'm fed up with myself. my self confidence is down the drain right now and when it is then i start to take stabs at myself. it's bad.

fuck. let's get real here, i have a shitty "boyfriend". i don't know what to call him because he's NOT my boyfriend, but we're dating, and we've known each other (and put up with each other) for a long ass time now. he's a jerk and he's a LEO. and we all know how leo men are. god dammit. anyway he talks shit to me all the time and i just want to let him go, especially at times like this where i'm so damn close, and we're fighting on day's end. but i can't. because there's always just that SOMETHING. that won't let you. god dammit. you know the feeling. once i heard a quote "If I didn't love you so much.. i would HATE you." i don't know where from but i guess that's how i'm feeling. not to go so far and call it "love", but i mean i really like him, and there's always that something connecting us. even when i hate his guts.
bla for all i know maybe it's just the love and attention he gives me. when i start to think about if i didn't have him.. i would have no one to tell me how gorgeous i am. no one to tell me how amazing i am. and honestly i just don't know if i'm strong enough to live without that.

screw this, i'm calling my grandma.
and i'm not kidding.hahahaa
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you like that shit man? i got a gang of that shit man [28 Apr 2007|12:34pm]
i got this for my birthday (17 days ago)
it hasn't left my side ever since

booya again!
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put yo hand up on my hip [26 Apr 2007|06:28pm]
definately haven't posted an entry in here foevaaaa.
not that i have anything to say but.
hiiii guyyys!

my school on the news? we even made CNN! boo ya:
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[11 Mar 2007|09:35pm]

two days past eighteen, he was waiting for the bus in his army green
sat down in a booth in a cafe there, gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
he's a little shy so she gives him a smile and he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
and talking to me, i'm feeling a little low
she said i'm off in an hour and i know where we can go

so they went down and they sat on the pier, he said i bet you got a boyfriend but i don't care
i got no one to send a letter to, would you mind if i sent one back here to you?

i cried, never gonna hold the hand of another guy
too young for him they told her, waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
our love will never end, waitin' for the soldier to come back again
never more to be alone when the letter said: a soldier's coming home.

so the letters came from an army camp in California then Vietnam
and he told her of his heart, it might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
he said when it's getting kinda rough over here, i think of that day sittin' down at the pier
and i close my eyes and see your pretty smile, don't worry but i won't be able to write for awhile.

one Friday night at a football game, the Lord's prayer said and the anthem sang
a man said folks would you bow your heads for a list of local Vietnam dead
crying all alone under the stands was a piccolo player in the marching band
and one name read and nobody really cared but a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

i cried, never gonna hold the hand of another guy
too young for him they told her, waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
our love will never end, waitin' for the soldier to come back again
never more to be alone when the letter said: a soldier's coming home.
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everyone has a secret, can they keep it? [10 Mar 2007|10:51am]
it's wrong because i have to explain my thoughts to him. shouldn't he just get me?
it's wrong because the only reason i'm still here is for entertainment. shouldn't i have strong feelings?
it's wrong because when i don't want to, he says ok but makes me feel guilty. shouldn't he be supportive?
it's wrong because when he says i'm cute i feel sad and empty. shouldn't i have that million watt smile that can't be shaked?
it's wrong because when i our song comes on my iPod, i turn it off. shouldn't i be happy when i thibk about him?
it's wrong because when i'm with someone else i feel better. shouldn't i need and want only him?
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wow. [03 Mar 2007|01:24pm]
I don't understand myself. I make things about 1000x harder than they should be.
Everything is all set up for me. I have groups of great friends and I have someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Actually I have more than one of those people.
So why can't I be happy and enjoy it?
Because there is always something more. There is always something better than what I have and there is always something wrong with the picture.
For over a year I've been chasing someone who never wanted me. I also ruined a few friendships in the process. I made wrong descisions and changed my lifestyle and the people in it for all the wrong reasons.
Awhile later, I've got him. Finally I reached my goal, I got what I had been trying for, I beat the game. But this shouldn't be a game. This is a relationship, not a Playstation.
It's kinda like how you see a really awesome video game in the store. The first time you take it home to play it you're really excited and you keep going up levels. But the truth is, you can get up to level 7 but you're not gonna be the champion until you actually beat the whole game. So you keep playing, it's like an addiction, you blow off some of your friends' plans to beat the game. But when you finally beat it... you never really play it again. It's done. You win, and there is some satisfaction for a day or maybe up to a week. But after that, the game is tucked away in a box until you stumble upon it a few years later.

It's not just this time though. Anytime somebody's ready for a relationship or they admit to having feelings for me, I flake out. I can't stand that. I don't know if I'm just not ready for a real relationship or what. When we're hooking up it's all okay, when it's just a "crush" it's all okay.

I don't want to be loved. I don't want to be needed. But I don't know what I do want.
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[18 Feb 2007|11:02am]

okay. this is what I have come to realize.
I'm not able to talk to my best friend and just let that one person know what is on my mind without "talking shit". People in my life lately get so fucking paranoid about anything that is said about them or having to do with them. If I tell the one person I trust just something I'm feeling that isn't even bad at all, and someone gets wind that their name was even mentioned, the wrath starts. Wow. Guess what, this is the real world and you are in high school. People are going to talk shit about you. That's all there is to it. And you can't punish or practice revenge on every single person who does.
Personally I know that awhile ago I talked more shit and gossiped more than I should have. Now I'm also realizing it's because of the influences I have on me (not that that's an excuse, but true). I'm trying so hard not to talk shit about the people I care about. Especially not to certain people that I don't trust.

But here it is; when I was with my old friends I never had a problem with talking shit. I never had a REASON to talk shit about any of them and they never had a reason to talk shit about me or any of the other people in out little group. The only time we fought was when we'd get jealous of another person or friendship or relationship because me, Aaron and Benji are all especially bad about that. Nothing about talking shit. I miss those times and those friends to death because I never really understood how good I had it until now. I don't think I ever said one bad thing about Aaron or Benji to anyone else back then. Now when the names of my two VERY BEST FRIENDS ON THIS EARTH come up, with my friends now, and I join in on the conversation about them.
There's something wrong with this picture. It's wrong when I am sitting enjoying a nice day with some of my best friends now and they're talking bad about the person in the group that is not there. I don't like it and I know it's not right. But what am I supposed to do? If I say stop then I'll lose one of the best friends I've ever had.
But then again...are they really one of the best friends I've ever had?
I guess not, and maybe it would be better to let them go, just like they did to me. But I know I'll change my mind and be weak like I always am and beg for them back again.
The truth is, I'm too much of a coward to let the people that are hurting me go.

I know I just totally switched between two subjects, but the truth is they're both coming from a similar source. I can't deal with this shit anymore but I make myself deal with it.
Honestly, can't you all just take the shit talking level down a bit? Stop getting so paranoid about it and stop doing it, everyone would be so much happier. hah.
Too bad I'm too mad right now to focus on my writing or else that could have been a nice little piece instead of a spelling error-induced complaint.
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[11 Feb 2007|02:54pm]
I don't know what I want I'm so confused yahoo
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why not? [27 Jan 2007|06:06pm]
because i was tired of men. hanging in doorways, standing too close, their smell of beer or fifteen-year-old whiskey. men who didn't come to the emergency room with you, men who left on Christmas Eve. men who slammed the security gates, who made you love them and then changed their minds. forests of boys, their ragged shrubs full of eyes following you, grabbing your breasts, waving their money, eyes already knocking you down, taking what they felt was theirs.
because i could still see a woman in a red bathrobe crawling in the street. a woman on a roof in the wind, mute and strange. women with pills, with knives, women dyeing their hair. women painting doorknobs with poison for love, making dinners too large to eat, firing into a child's room at close range. it was a play and i knew how it ended, i didn't want to audition for any of the roles. it was no game, no casual thrill. it was three-bullet russian roulette.
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where's the weed at? [18 Jan 2007|07:39pm]
oh my goood, i get to smoke today. I haven't smoked for so long I don't think I even remember what weed smells like.

just got my math test back a few minutes ago. I decided it would be better if i just met Courtney in the bathroom instead of hearing him drone on about the right answers of my 55% test.

it's my best friend's birthday today.
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f that but really [17 Jan 2007|08:13pm]
another f on a math test big whoop. I do all my homework but I still don't understand any of the lessons or tests does that sound weird? It's been like that forever with math too bad my parents won't let me switch out of super honors. One honors level is fine I don't think it would hurt to move down to Alg3-4.

boom! Ok world history now :)
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aries aries aries [16 Jan 2007|02:00am]
"Leo and Aries, the two most fiercly independent signs, both have an extreme problem with admitting they need help."

ok so I've always known Aries is famous for being independent. Wanting to be on their own and craving single leadership. And don't get me wrong, I do loove being a leader. But I have never, ever seen myself as independent. If anything, I'd say I'm dependent. I always have to have others in a room with me to feel comfortable and I count on the support of others constantly. I've tried really hard to see it in myself!
Anyway, reading that little excerpt made me think. I know I can't rely on the help of others. I never have been able to do that. Fuck manuals, fuck the little "Help" button on the corner of the screen. No way. I don't need to spend time reading those things when I can do it myself. Fuck tutors and assistants I don't thiiink so.
So I guess I have found the little bit of independence in me, which is good, but I still think my big independent Aries trait got ripped off.
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happy belated busted breakup day. [15 Jan 2007|11:46am]
i'm on my cell phone so i hope this works. Yeah yesterday was january 14th you know what that is. i can't believe it's been two years.

well i don't know what to say except that i've never been so confused in my life. so much shit has been happening lately. this weekend last week the week before. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think anymore.
i've been sick this whole weekend, i think all this thinking has taken an emotional toll on me. all i know is at least i kept ONE of my new years resolutions so far, i'm keeping my feelings to myself and not letting anyone else in. or something like that.
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you better recognize. [07 Jan 2007|06:18pm]
my new years resolutions.
stop being so open and trusting with everyone. especially those who don't deserve it.
stop getting caught in a moment and think about the logical consequences of my actions.
make sure i am funny and outgoing, instead of obnoxious and loud.
talk to some of the people i've lost touch with over the past years.
fly to new jersey to visit my best friend aaron at least once.
go to england and visit my other best friend benji if possible.
try to actually get good grades and do some homework now and then.
come off to others as intellectual and smart instead of the "natural blonde with dumb moments".
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[16 Dec 2006|01:11pm]
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[16 Dec 2006|12:53am]

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[14 Jun 2005|11:31am]
Please help.Collapse )
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