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i'm so irratable it isn't even funny.
if one more person blames me for something they didn't do, i might scream.
everything is driving me crazy. i can't wait to just go home and watch a movie with sean.
i am really fed up with this place and all the people in it.
any suggestions?

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calm

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so my mind has been pretty out there lately.
me and sean had a bit of a falling out... but its all better now. I've definatly realized that we need to talk through everything. so last night I went to his house and after he admitted lying to me over something stupid, there was quite a bit of rational conversation and hopefully things will be better now.
mid-terms are over thank goodness.
scohol has been different since wednesday. if anybody hasn't heard yet, wednesday a the junior varsity football game Schaffner Noel was struck by lightening and passed away. please say a prayer for his family and the families of all injured by the tragic events taken place.
life is definatly a bit of a mystery, and it is never known what may be around the corner, don't take it for granted.

this weekend was pretty fun i guess. thursday me sean chels and ash went to see corpse bride, which wasnt bad. later brant, nick, kenny, wesley, chelsea, ash, and sean came over and we had a fun little night of drinking. then the rest of the weekend was pretty much filled with me and wesley being bored and driving around and having some good old fun at the pool hall.

i guess thats all.

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i definatly just had to fight with greg for 10 minutes in the hallway just to get my freakin' cigaretts back. and now he is "very upset with me" because i won.
suck. my. dick.

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bored

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so. i know it's been a whiile. i've decided to re-take up livejournal considering i sit in school with nothing to do constantly and just look at stupid webpages. i guess it's time.

the past couple of months have been interesting to say the least.
summer was fun. ended way to quickly.
i made a little mistake towards the end with sean. yea, we broke up again. and i went out with john for a good month. and then i realized how incrediably stupid i was for that and eventually, with a little work on my part, we got back together. and now were good. john is incrediably pissed at me but he'll get over it. him and his ex are back together..... i really miss mom though. and i'm like not allowed to go over there so it sucks.

uhm, school has been crazy. lot of work, little play. i actually have pretty easy classes except for my 3rd hour, but that alone is driving me insane. i have photography, easy... american history hon, easy... and student government, which is easy but there is SO much to do constantly, along with stay afters... so it sucks.

Ash is going to UF this weekend to see JM. hopefully she'll have a good time, even though she is going to be completely miserable when she comes back. thank god today is friday... no idea whats going on tonight though. i think sean is coming home with me and then chelsea has to go to work and she'll probably come back out around 9ish and hopefully stay the night at my house. Kenny and Nick and Brant said something about coming by for a while but that probably won't happen. They'll just most likely end up hanging out at John's as usual.

My grandmother comes down tomorrow afternoon, cool i guess, i've missed her but i still really don't want to give up my whole weekend. Selfish I know... but hey.

I forgot my lunch money today but greg gave me a dollar because he loves me oh so much. and i already spent it on snickers... opps.

I got a puppy a couple months ago. His name is spence and is now 6 months old. He got neutured and had surgery on his eyes yesterday. He looks like he's in so much pain. Its sad.

Mom goes to aruba on the 6th. yay. That will be a nice little vacation... right after mid-terms and we have a bunch of days off so thats cool.

i know this is nice and long. but i had a lot to talk about.

court just walked in... talk to everybody laters.

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hungry

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it's sunday already... sadly. i really do not want to go back to school tomorrow. thank god summer is almost here. so friday after school everyone packed in keyla's car and we eventually ended up at ashley's just hanging out, they smoked, but me and ash felt like crap so we just laid down and relaxed for a bit then everyone left and the plan was to go play pool later, but that never happened. so, seeing as i already didn't feel well i just decided to stay home and sleep. last night sean, jr, and myself went to go play pool. i suck, but it was fun learning. i'll get better eventually!

so now i'm up earlier than i wanted to be and i have nothing to do.

i'm listening to this cover of the sublime song what i got, by 311. it's funny. theres not instuments used its all do do doo's and beat boping and shit. i like it.

i've been playing tetris for like an hour. im freaking. bored.

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so it's friday. doesn't feel like friday. this whole week has just seemed to drag on.
today i'm feeling indecisive. it's really rainy out.
all i want to do is sit and lose myself in music.
this morning i found that last night, even after sean told me he wasn't going to do acid, he did it anyways.
i'm not really upset about it... atleast it was safe. it didn't even do anything anyways. sucks for him...
jr did it this morning. and he is feeling it i'm sure.
i think everyone is going to go play pool tonight.


a subdued silence/undisturbed/by the sound of your breath
so carefully/brush your hair/back from your eyes
in steady sequence one by one/ he slips away
so close your eyes/ and sleep to dream
i'm by ur side/ the words to speak/ we'll set our course/ and make it through
no matter how far i go/ my heart remains with you
and i'm not sure/what i'm looking for
but it's clear to see/ the purpose of my exisistance is laying here in front of me



man oh man. i really hate school. i have not missed any days this week. aren't you proud?
i would be. i think keyla is leaving after 2nd. maybe i'll go along, though i really should stick around for geometry.
i know i'm probably not going to school on 4 20. and most likely not next friday either.


i would like to go to a show this weekend. maybe saturday? or even sunday night? if anyone is going out to pis, let me know.

i really really need to get some chocolate into my system. i'm in one of those moods, that's all it would take to make me happy right now.

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I woke up with the biggest headache this morning, dreading the day that follows. The headache still hasn't gone away, and my day hasn't gotten much better, though Andrew did help a little this morning. I get to school and Junior is already bitching about how he wants to smoke and leave, yes, thank you, I am trying to quit that shit you know. Then there was ofcourse no talking between me and Sean, whis is expected but I still wish I knew what to say to him. The look in his eyes when he looks at me kills me, but there is nothing I can do I suppose. When it rains, it pours. At this point, I'm no longer even hyperventilating. One of my favorite tools in writing is to let the characters move so far into fear, sadness, or panic that they come out on the other side. Usually they end up numb or just start laughing about it all. Right now, I'm numb. The way things have been going lately it's no surprise. I've been told and to learn to love, to open myself up and let the fear of getting hurt esacape, well my friends, that is what I did. Now what? I'm left loving someone who doesn't love me. A complaint everyone hears a lot I'm sure, but it's new to me. I've never been in the position where I had to see the person I am completely in love with on a daily basis. There is so much more to everything at this point, I see new things I never saw before. There seems to be a pain behind his eyes that I can't help, but he won't let me help. I'm trying I really am. I want to help, I want to be there, but I don't know how. He seems he doesn't want me to. I feel like I had a mental breakdown last week and this is just the calm after the storm. Everything is actually pretty ok at this point, I just miss him. I was talking to Andrew last night about everything. I mean everything, Sean, the future, family, life in general. It made me see a few things. I know life is not going to wait for me, I have to live it while I have the chance. You never know what is going to happen, hell tomorrow I could wake up and walk to the bus stop and get hit by a car. Life is an unexpected roller coaster ride, with twists and turns and how well you can handle it detirmins if you get sick or have the time of your life. I've worked so hard the couple of days so I could keep him off my mind. Everytime I stop thinking about him, someone mentions the whole situation. I understand that I'll come out of this fine, I know that I'll just be stronger and have another expierence on my list, just for the time being, I hate it. I remember once I was talking to him, and he told me I didn't know what love was. Maybe I don't, but I know I can't live without him, but I'm sure trying. Maybe I'm just lonely, I'll just keep myself busy for another day and maybe tomorrow will be better.

i. hate. school

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I'm not a Prep, I just dress well.
I'm not a Poser, I just like Punk music.
I don't ignore you, I just don't give a shit.
I'm not a bitch, I'm just honest.
I'm not insecure, I just don't trust you.