Anyways the last two nights of my life were practically perfect. I hope nothing comes back to bite me in the ass.


things are pretty frustrating right now.

it's color week in school, which is boring. i sit in a chair all day and write notes about processing and mixing colors with equal parts developer.

my phone continues to power down randomly and i still don't know when i have a voicemail.

and most importantly, i just feel like a bum. it's been almost a month and half since i've had a job and three months since i've had my car. i hate that i feel like i can't support myself. like i can't handle any responsibility. i hate being dependent on my dad for everything. i see people my age supporting themselves and paying for their own school and cars and phones so i know that i can be done. why can't i do it? i feel like i have gotten way to used to being able to just go to my dad when i need someone to fix my mistakes. i need to break that habit because it is seriously hurting me now, inside and out.

i also feel like i'm losing touch with a lot of my friends from highschool-actually i know i am. i'm not having any trouble making new friends but i like my old ones. i miss them and i miss highschool...sometimes. i miss seeing everyone everyday monday through friday. now everyone is so busy and it makes it worse that most of them are in another city!

i feel that something-ANYTHING has to happen quick to turn this all around. i have been sitting in the mudd for too long. something has to happen soon because it has been downhill for too long. 

i guess until then i'll just have to wait for october 17th. i need a good dosage of CMU.


Dear You,
         I am doing what I have said I'd never do and that is to give up. I am not giving up everything, though, the only thing a girl can have is hope. Hope has given me many great memories but it is also the one thing that has caused me much dissapointment and grief. 

          I have tried to make you see me as I see me and as others do and you have always turned your head. You have seen others before me and you will surely see others after me. I can no longer put forth the effort I have. I worry that in my giving up, our friendship will end completely, taking me even farther than I want to be with you. 

         I have questioned my feelings, ignored them, and replaced them but the feeling has never truly left me. Let me put in words what I have always wanted to say but could never find the strength to..

 I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I love everything about you! I love that you are outspoken, unique, trustworthy and kind. I love that you consider others feelings and you also show that you can be a great friend. I love that you listen as much as you talk and that you are opinionated and intelligent. I love the way you smile and the way you walk. I love the words you put together for conversation and your honesty. I love your eyes and the happiness I see in them. Everything about you that can meet the eye has quickly become the apple of mine. There isn't much about you I can find defect in and even if I could, I wouldn't want to. I hope that you can find someone that you feel this way about that thinks all of the above about you. Someone that sees you through my eyes and falls hopelessly and madly in love with the person that I have had the chance to meet and know.

         I wish you would have given me the time to show you how great I am and how great we could and should be together. I no longer believe that is ever going to happen so, it is finally time for me grow up and move on. I think I am at a point of acceptance. The entire mess has left me feeling ashamed and ridiculous but I am not afraid of this anymore. This is my closure.

          I will always hold a small place for you in my heart and will always hold on to what never was much of anything, except inside me own little head.

          Love, Emily.


i was really hoping that people would start using lj again. you have to admit that it is addictingly amusing. 


i think i'm getting an iphone next weekend.


if i had one wish
we would be best friends
love would never end it would just begin
if i had one wish
you would be my boo
promise to love you
trust me i'll trust you

i'd make you my whole life.


i think i'm going to try this out again. i'm mad though, that they've changed their whole style system because i used to be so good at all that coding stuff and now it's all wasted. whatever. 

i still have a shit ton of entries from way back when i was a freshmen &sophmore and little by little i'm gonna go through them for a laugh. they are all still friend only and i've deleted almost everyone because the accounts don't exist anymore but i'll save some old entries i think are cute or funny along the way so we can share some laughs--haha.

i have so much on my mind lately, and not many people have made themselves available to unload my thoughts to.

here goes.


yeah. i decided to skip today.

even oxygen wouldnt save him
and the only living memory of him his family will have
is that of a 58 year old man with pills in hand.
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Am I going completely insane or is it just that whenever you read the statement "a lj" it seems as though it should be written/typed "an lj" even though 'l' is not a vowel?

I am soo listening to the spin doctors right now.

This shit is becoming a continuum of crap--
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It would be greatly appreciated if it is read, and feedback is given :)