Tags: memory

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I don't know if I'm ever going to realize he's gone. I never have and never will, I always end up staring up at the sky praying for that shooting star to come across the sky and make him back into that kind of memory/ person he is inside my heart. I don't think most of you in this world know who I'm talking about unless you knew him, knew what kind of friend he was. What he stood for in my life. He stood as the friend that I could never have ever again. Only my close friends know exactly how much I miss this kid. That if I ever talk about him, I fall weak in my knees and just feel like falling apart in front of most people. Happiness was all he ever showed me and thing is, I'll never feel that happiness again unless he's beside me. Unfourently, it'll never happen. It's like, just a memory of all our times together. The fucking years we grew up together, watching he eachother grow into the people we were. He was my best friend, my big brother, the boy I knew would guard me through anything, the person who kept me going when I kept falling. The guy that I could see myself in the future, still there beside me through it all. Through it all, he was my friend. A definition of a friend is somebody who is there for you through ANYTHING. Biggest accomplishments, Your Fears, Your happiness, but overall there for you through anything that hits you. Especially my past. He was there, he saved me from any more harm that could have been done and I couldn't thank him more. I didn't even get too. He was taken from me when everything fell into place, when everything was out on the table. I'm beside myself, I capture images inside my head and I wish my head was an automatic camera that captured the image and then developed it on paper for me to see and hold forever. I have just those "memories" to get me by.. but sometimes they aren't exactly what I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is that sense of where he is right now and who he's become after all this. After what was done and would he forgive me for putting him in that position and telling me the truth.. because he would most likely be here with me and would have watched me graduate high school.. or watched me fall for a boy that I know I can have if I let myself but thats the scary part, will I?

Will I ever let myself find that kind of happiness like I did with him? Will my heart ever feel again? Feel not just happiness but loved. The feeling of being in love was taken from me, from a boy that he knew was going to hurt me. He told me, put the cards on the table for myself to understand but instead I went against it and furthered it more and then he was gone. Gone so far from me that I can't even call him. He would most likely be so mad at me, and therefor I'm not a friend right? Friends don't get mad at eachother. But he would have been mad at me. So mad at the fact of what I did.. I'm a better person is what he would have said to me.

I ask myself, all the time, when lying on the ground or lying in my bed staring up at the ceiling as my fan goes round and round.. what if that night never happened? would he be still be here? be my big brother? trust me that way he did? respected me the way he did? I'll never know. I'll never know if were still friends because I fucked up.

Meaning being, don't let your friends go without showing them how much you respect them and how much you care for them because they might not be there the next. Life is too short to hate so much, love life. Love whats around because love isn't just a verb, it's the way of life. Atleast in my perspective and sadly enough, love is hard for me to cope with because it seems that my one true friend is gone..and gone at the aspect of my fault and I obtain that too no cause but my own. I look down at something he created and see that I took that person; that aspect from this creature in front of me. How can I face this world everyday, knowing that somebody fought for my life..was taken to let me see and understand what happened too myself.. as he tried to save me.

:Sigh: This isn't me anymore, this is my battle agaisnt what really happened and when I'm really going to be alright because as of now; things aren't right. I want them too be, but I don't know if it'll ever happen until I see the real image and that is the image I'm never going to see because it's all just a memory. Just like everything else every person in this entire universe see's. Were all just a memory, happy or bad..it doesn't matter. A memory keeps us going, keeps us alive and full of life- but is that memory worth that kind of holding inside your heart if it was at cause of being taken from you? Or is that memory just something there to look back on and see what lifes lessons bring you? I believe thats the correct answer but I'll never know. Hmm..

So much random on a Friday night.

I'll remember the train ride, the ride away from your heart and where it took us was to the place that time will never forsaken us instead it'll make us then break us and repeat it over again..
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