So by the end of the month, I'm saying fuck it.. and going to get a tattoo. I'm doing it because right now I need too. Ever since those dreams begun, I really just need to sit down and get something done so guess what? I'm doing it. I'm hoping Zach will come with me when I do it but we'll see. I should be not touching the money and get my camera back ASAP but you know, right now we'll see how much this costs because I've changed the format quite a bit.. instead of the "innosence will find its place in heaven" I'm going to do a band of stars with "shadows of fears are gone but dreams are reality." shadowed into the stars or something along that fear. I'm doing it. I guarantee it.
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time to come to a close..

Who gives a fuck what you think of me? I sure as hell don't. I just say kiss my ass & leave me alone. End of story.

Silly little fucker, you're just damn annoying and sometimes I wish I could push you off a cliff. *giggle*

let me be stronger..

Alright, I know I haven't been on here in awhile but honestly alot has been going on a few selected of you know, if you've talked to me since I've last updated. Basically, here's the low down on what is going on in my world. Physically and mentally and let me tell you first hand, there's some things that I'm saying that I could give a FUCK what you think; it's my thoughts so don't bother reading further more.

Lets begin with happier news before the bad. I ran into somebody who I haven't seen in so long.. through facebook but still, back in High School I met him and yeah.. we're offically together after hanging out the past week and half every day. I will never know why I just walked away from him the way I did, but I regret it totally because he UNDERSTANDS me because he's ALOT like myself which is truely amazing. His name is Zachary and he happens to aswell attend Wilmington College with me; he's an Education major though. Something about him.. just clicked. He had texted me one day at work and was like I haven't seen you in so long and I'm coming to visit and when he did.. the sparks just flew again. The attraction is there. The communication. The feeling of PROTECTION. Shit, talking to Ray he already said..within the short amount of time.. he has good vibes off of him and wants to meet him and honestly I know thats a good sign. When were together, its just a rush. We went to the park on our first date and talked for HOURS about everything and anything and it was just there. Then the following night, he ASKED to kiss me.. in the rain. It was just one of those kodak moments. This is different. Its a feeling I can't explain. I'm taking this at my pace and let me just say, for one; no worries. In his arms, I'm protected. We go out and find stuff to do.. sitting around is only for here and there. I actually feel right about this.. and the dream from last night clearly shows it.

Brian and Sarah had the baby. Natalie May. I have pictures and I'll post soon. I'M AN AUNTIE!!! haha. Brian called me letting me know and I went and saw them and baby Natalie the other night before Zach got off of work. I'll probably bring Zachary by so Brian can meet him and whatnot before he goes back down to North Carolina for the Marines.

Surra is having baby Lindsey as we speak. She just started having contractions and was taken to the hospital so again, I'll be another aunt within 24 hours.

Christmas was nice; I'll be going to Virgina this summer for a weekend to spend time with Carson and Amanda and whatnot. I'm pretty stoked about it.

Okay.. that's pretty much the jist, sorry most was about Zach- that's been the happiness going on.

Lately, I've been having some dreams that I can't explain.

I've looked them up in my dream dictionary and nothing is clicking except for one dream.

Nick came to me on Thursday night. I was walking on a walkway which was a bridge, almost whats like at Pot Nets onto the beach and saw him sitting there in the sand on a blanket with his head inbetween his legs. He looked up as I walked onto the sand and his frown went to a smile.. and he put his hand onto the blanket waving me to sit down beside him. I sat down and he just held me, and said he was sorry. Said he knows my birthday is around the corner and he's sorry he didn't keep his promise that he's going to be with me forever and always and to let my guard down, that it will be worth it. I asked why, what is going to happen and all he replied with is just trust me, I'm protecting you and won't allow you to get hurt and handed me a peice of paper. I opened the peice of paper and all it said was 45:15. I looked at his strangely and questioned these numbers and he said you will know what to do. Those numbers don't mean a damn thing to me, let me say for one. I looked up some of the symbolism that could have happened in the dream.. things around me..colours.. general things and I don't understand it whatsoever. He kissed my forehead and told me to let him go and I woke up. That part, is just weird. His last words to me the night before he died was to never let go of the good memories of the past, just the bad. God, I am in some major need of going down there and sitting on that beach and figuring shit out because honestly, I'm going crazy. Once a week, atleast; he comes into my dreams.

Then Saturday night, he came again. I was sitting in a car and I looked over and he was driving. He had a huge smile on his face and said you're not looking back? you're giving a chance to let it all go. I asked what he was talking about and he laughed and pulled into the front of our park and said you brought him here.. and you took a chance, for him to see the truth and the real you. I'm proud of you. I remember feeling everything. Nick put his hand on top of mine and then said lets get you on those swings Breezy. We got out of the car and I looked behind me and he was gone.

Can SOMEBODY explain to me, what the fuck is going on? My best friend who is dead; died almost oh 4 years ago is coming into my dreams and is basically scaring the fucking shit out of me. I don't know what to do. For once, I am scared to fall asleep.

I've figured it out. Basically, I just said fuck it.. going through all the books on paganism and gaelic whatnot. I searched yahoo for once cause I had time and Zach isn't feeling well. I thought of how Nick wanted to bring his faith back before he got into the accident. I searched "Verse: 45:15" and guess was showed up?

Isaiah 45:11-19 - [Verse 15 in Original Hebrew]
11 Thus says the LORD, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker: "Ask Me about the things to come concerning My sons, And you shall commit to Me the work of My hands. 12 "It is I who made the earth, and created man upon it. I stretched out the heavens with My hands And I ordained all their host. 13 "I have aroused him in righteousness And I will make all his ways smooth; He will build My city and will let My exiles go free, Without any payment or reward," says the LORD of hosts. 14 Thus says the LORD, "The products of Egypt and the merchandise of Cush And the Sabeans, men of stature, Will come over to you and will be yours; They will walk behind you, they will come over in chains And will bow down to you; They will make supplication to you: 'Surely, God is with you, and there is none else, No other God.' " 15 Truly, You are a God who hides Himself, O God of Israel, Savior!

Basically, it means after I went to another website that Nick is telling me to let go of what happened, move on because he'll always be there and he wanted to say it in a way that he knows.. would make me search and go crazy. Stubborn bastard, that was him. All the things I was thinking, when I should have just went online from the start. I could slap him one if he was next to me. Actually, he probably is.. I just can't see him. I miss my best friend so damn much, I don't think anybody will understand how much. Tomorrow, after work.. I'm going to "our" park and I'm just going to chill there for a minute or so and just look up and maybe just maybe something will bring a smile to my face and I don't know. Miracles happen, I'm going to you know, give this a chance. He obviously knows I'm hurting. I mean, I play with this bracelet freaking daily. It never comes off now, the past few months; I've constantly worn it cause in some sense, this is my bind to him. I just wish, wish for once.. He'd come into my dreams and actually not give me a treasure hunt; I'm sick of that. haha. Honestly, it's time that I just walk away. And you know what? It's time for somebody to know something... and Thursday, I will tell him.


We were like September through November, we were passionate when we had to be and cold when it came time for December. Relationships are seasons, just make sure you know how to bring out the summer shoulders.

Erica posted this and you know what, its so true.
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    The Draft


I am sending out Christmas cards this year!

Ifyou would like a Christmas card, leave a comment saying "Santa baby, bring me a stocking full off hot shit for Christmas." Seriously, you gotta do this; cause my cards are hawt shit. Or message me on AIM saying it.

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just one more night...

I haven't posted on here in awhile. Hm. Whats new?

Well, I'm in a new relationship thats one. His name is Bobby [it ended last night.] and with that comes a friendship that is gone, Nicole. Who would believe that? Yeah, well it's whatever. Her loss, I'm happy. Winter semester is like a month of almost being done, thank god. I just gotta pass math with a C. Thats it. I've met alot of new people this semester, their all pretty chill people too. Chris is NO LONGER whatsoever in the picture. He pretty much flipped when I came out and told him how I cheated on him after the day after our first date. oh please. It's whatever, he was making life a mess. FS is going good. I was promoted into Catering Services this week. I rocked so hard on Wednesday with pick up orders.

Christmas is around the corner and honestly, all I want are Incubus tickets. I want Bobby to go with me and see them. All I want for Christmas. Oh, aswell as a white Christmas. Lemme think what else... OH, I'M GOING ON A CRUISE!!! TO BERMUDA END OF JUNE. Then Mom and Dad bought land to start building a Cape Cod style beach house down by the old place, I'm excited don't get me wrong but I'm going to love telling the crew about it.. I'm right down the street from Pot Nets, should be interesting. The other night, I saw a flashback with Bob after smoking my first bowl in 2 1/2 years. I saw some things that scared me and yeah well, I didn't pay attention and we almost died if he hadn't grabbed the wheel from me.

My Daddy and I are super close now. He likes Bobby alot, aswell as Mom does. I'm also somewhat surprised that people from HS are contacting me now through facebook; which is cool don't get me wrong but it's just sorta weird. All worth it I guess, I've been chillen with my co-workers alot.

Life is good. Just busy.
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So, check it.. Shannon my love, one of them atleast is tryingto play match maker. I have a date on Friday night with a FULL BLOOD Irish boy ;) Supper stoked. He's such a sweetheart and cutie.. I just wanna chill and meet new people and have fun. Ashley, this girl from class said there's a party on Saturday night, might check that out and RJ mentioned he'd go with me.

Shiiitt niggy(term stolen from my babyrockstar), things are looking up.
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boys tell lies.

Chris and I broke up for the last and final time. I willnot patch things up, he's acting like an asshole-dick for stupid fucking reasons and I think it hit him last night when he was off of work and in a car accident. Karma is a bitch, thank you Nick. :)
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innocense will find it's place in heaven..

The truth behind my eyes..Collapse )

So, basically the last entry.. as an update, Chris and I met up at Skyline Middle School..sat on the hill for two and half hours, talking about so much shit and enjoyed the beautiful night with the sky and all. It was goregous and it was the one thing I wanted to do all summer and I did it and it made me happy.

Saturday night (last night) basically was interesting. J-Rash's 21st party. Ran into an old friend, almost got into a fight with this skanky ass bitch named Tabitha, she tried to steal my alcohol and succeeded when I was trying to help Chris who got incredibly drunk and made me upset. Long story short, Chris basically lost his car, only has it for work and school. He threw up everywhere(in the parking lot and at his house); I drove his car home while Josh followed me in mine with CJ. I was not a happy camper. I'm fine now, because he's safe and his Mom called me this morning asking me what happened and thanking me for being there for him and like I said, I willnot lose him, I lost Nick in a car accident I willnot lose the man I'm in love with. So basically, this upcoming month is going to be a rollercoaster. We've been through alot so it'll just be another thing we'll work on.

Ten days until one year; I got his present picked up yesterday and it's goreegous. John and Lynne really helped me out big on this. But like they said, it's family tradition.
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