goodbye?

it's been far too long since i wrote here, but i don't know what to say. does anyone really want to hear about the boys i've kissed in the last two weeks, or how many times i've gotten drunk? i doubt it, but that's about as interesting as i get these days.

i'm a drunken whore. my lips are hungry for boys and liqueur once again. even better are the boys that taste like liqueur.

what have i become?

i mourn the loss of my old self, somewhat, but i'm having fun.

i think i need to leave this journal.

merry christmas guy...

STEP ONE
Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered... whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.
Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

STEP TWO
Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:
If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

MY LIST
1. an ipod mini.
2. a snowboard.
3. to not be hated when i go back to school.
4. a boyfriend.
5. a good mark in french
6. shiny hair
7. hmv gift certificats
8. my friends to be happy
9. clear skin
10. eternatlly pretty snow

i thought that was cute...

(no subject)

do you ever just want out?

i'm happy. i'm so happy. i don't remember ever liking myself or anyone else so much.

but i want out some days.

i'm so tired of this. everyday i go to school, or i go to someone's house, and i just hear their stories, and problems, and i relate so much, and i care so much, but i tire of it. we just do the same things, and say the same things with slight variations. everyone is just the same with slight variations. so i want to run away. i want to do something spontaneous. i just want out.

oh god. i just need to do something new. see someone new. smoke something new. anything.

i just can't take this routine. i'm not good with repetition.
  • Current Music
    pj harvey - the darker days of me and him

(no subject)

sometimes, awkwardness seems tangable. it's like if you reached out into the space between you and i, you could grab a handful of the terrible substance that is awkwardness.

as soon as you walk into the room, i try so hard to be busy. i don't want to be sitting silently. i don't want to have a second to look in your direction. but somehow my eyes always stray towards you.

you look good with your mohawk. i wish i could tell you that, but once again awkwardness gets in the way.

and oh god. there you all were, jamming in the music room, and we came in to watch. you were just sitting there across the room, staring at me, untill i returned eye contact.

what are you thinking as you stare at me so blankly?

are you looking at me with disgust, wondering what you ever saw in me?

are you trying to remember what i look like under all these layers of clothes?

i wish i knew what was going on behind your blank eyes boy, because you make me feel so inferior.
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - The Great Gig in the Sky

(no subject)

i'm listening to a playlist of the saddest songs on my music match, and erasing countless attempts at explaining myself. i am so passive aggressive, and now that i'm not the victim, i am falling apart.

i couldn't look you in the eyes. i just couldn't. just seeing you sit there, slumped over, was too much. i know that it's my fault. you were sitting at the bus stop, staring into space, with tears in your eyes because of me.

i'm so sorry. but it's better this way. i was so mean to you, and you didn't deserve that.

but oh god... i will never forget that way you looked as i spoke those dreaded words:

"i don't think it's working..."

you were leaning against the wall, with your hair in your face. you looked so beautiful, and i wished that it could have worked out otherwise.

"i know it's all my fault... i'm sorry i'm a bitch."

"you're not a bitch. you're perfect."

i wish you never said that. don't make me feel worse than i need to.
  • Current Music
    perfect - smashing pumpkins

(no subject)

i close my eyes, and concentrate on the smoke in my lungs. i imagine the chemicals seeping through some semi-permeable layer in my body, and getting me high. when i exhale, i laugh hard with the people i'm surrounded with. everything is like a snapshot.

eric falls over. laugh. cut to smoking with julia. laugh. cut to cheering up renee. laugh. cut to eating at wendy's. laugh.

it's all short, with nothing in between. i don't know what memories i've missed, but i'm sure they were'nt important.

these are supposed to be the best years of our lives, but i'm wasting them away getting stoned. maybe this is as good as it gets?

i don't know what i want the answer to be.