(no subject)

When is sacrificing your future okay? Because honestly, I feel like that's almost the choice I want to make. Be happy for another five and a half years. Or potentially get my dream job someday, stuck in god-awful Bristol, Connecticut. I'm going to have to make that choice eventually and there's so many factors and conclusions that need to be drawn. Four years to spend another four years to spend a fast-paced life talking about men on steroids and coach scandals. Do I really want a life so radically different?

I think the real fear, deep deep deep down is that if I do run away from the family and friends I've known and I fail at what I want, I'll have no safety net. I will fall into the proverbial dark, lonely pit of unhappiness and I will regret everything. Dillan will be with someone who makes him happy, and that's all I could really want. More than I want him, more than I need him, I want and need him to be happy, to be complete. I need to know that the boy I love with all my heart and all my soul is taken care of. I need him to always have this "can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series" love, this heart-breaking, unending love. I need him to be complete even if I'm not. So what do I do? Do I end things, leave for far off Athens, Georgia? Or do I stay, choose Miami or Gainesville and be close enough to run home with I'm sad or scared.

And what about my family? Dad is 69, he'll be 70 when I graduate. Can he really stand much longer? As much as I can't stand how he hurt me and how he destroyed my mother, I still love him for everything he's ever done for me. I can't stand his choice in wife, but I can't stand to live without our dinner dates, our football talks, and his wisdom. I have John, I have the big brother who will protect me and take care of me with his life, but he's not Dad. And Mom? What if she relapses and becomes the wreck I try and forget? I can't deal with picking up pieces again. I can't.

I just want to have everything work out in the best of all possible worlds.

</end rant>

school sucks, but it is junior year.
I hate Mr. Herrold and his narcissitic attitudes.
He's a freaking middle aged man and he still torments people.
Seriously? You're a douchebag.

I want to go read good books, and watch some more terrible movies and be alive again.
That would be nice.

On a happier note, Eric Hamlet nominated me for debutante which was really, really surprising.

(edit: "Fix You" by Coldplay just came on my iTunes...weird)

  • Current Music
    "Fix You" Coldplay

Hoy es un dia normal

pero yo voy a hacerlo intenso
Hoy puede apagarse el sol
Pero no la luz de mi alma
En un dia como hoy
Caminare mas despacio
en un dia como hoy
defendere mi verdad
en un dia como hoy
te arramare con mis brazos
en un dia como hoy

porque nunca sabes lo que tienes
hasta que lo pierdes
lamentablemente nunca vuelve

no importa en donde estes
yo desde aqui
te deseare mis suenos
mi sangre ardera por ti
hasta que te pierda por tu cuerpo
en un dia como hoy
caminare mas despacio
en un dia como hoy
defendere mi verdad
en un dia como hoy
te arramare mis brazos
en un dia como hoy
I realized that I only write here when I'm at an extreme.
sad, happy, mad, estatic.
I'm all about the adjectives.
Today was PV's 40th anniversary.
That seems to weird to say, the anniversary of essentially the only academic place I have ever attended.
I'll be sad to leave.
ugh, I can't stop listening to spanish love songs by Juanes.
I want a spanish lover, badly.

I'm thinking about making a new lj and using it solely as a blog.
I'm impressed with what Remy did with her blog
(you should all check it out, by the way)

that's all I have to say.
I'm pretty boring when I'm left alone, sick, to watch CSI re-runs and LOST.
All I could possibly want right now
is to be snuggled up with the significant other
eating chicken and dumplings.
but I get neither.

  • Current Music
    "La Camisa Negra"- Juanes

(no subject)

 so i think it's really cool and mature when people who are supposed to trust you go and read all your privates thoughts because they don't trust you.

especially when you've been dating them for a year
and they have royal fucked up recently and should be at least somewhat nicer now

oh wait, no they just think this is all normal.

(no subject)

Why is it that every time I can't afford to get sick,
I get sick!
The last 24 hours have been a blur and I don't feel prepared for the next week.
I can't handle all of this, especially now.
I don't want to go to school and take tests and do homework.
I want to stay at home, snuggle up in my bed, and watch "Love Actually" all day.
That sounds really, really nice.

i don't know what to do

i am the confused girl again.
i am the one who can't make the right decision.
i am the one who so desperately wanted to kiss you in the car.
to tell you that i care, that i hate that she has hurt you so badly
that you are the only real one i can talk to outside of dillan
but i love dillan
i love him with every fiber of my being
but what if the boy who is my first true love
isn't the meant to be
i would never break up with dillan now
i won't be happy, i won't be normal
i would turn into a mess
i would fail to exist
but what happens when dillan goes to fgcu?
do i let him go to know that i truly deserve him?
do i let him party and have sex with girls so that he knows that i am the one?
that he means what he says?
do i try and distance my heart and my brain
and tell myself to hook up with danny, to kiss him
and let myself know what it feels like with another boy?
who do i hurt?
  • Current Music
    1 2 3 4- Plain White T's

(no subject)

I always wondered why you never kissed
I always wondered why Jordan never told me goodbye
and I have no way of ever knowing now
the freedom, the freedom to know.