_thankgoodness

(no subject)

you know when you go swimming in the ocean, and a big wave comes and hits you and you get swept away and then you tumble around and can't find your way up? and you're terrified because you think you'll never breathe again?

thats sort of what this feels like.

only worse. indescribable.

why is this happening?
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

So I just realized that starting next weekend, Morgan's going to have 8:00 shows every Friday and Saturday in Feb., March, May, and June. That blows.

So if I seem like I'm blowing any of you off to ever hang out with him, the fact is his schedule's 10x more hectic than mine. And he can't just blow off rehearsals or call in sick. If I didn't cater to his schedule, I'd never see him.

Its going to be really hard for us, but its so worth it. I love him, so much. I've never, ever felt this way before. And I know I've said that in the past, but it was never really true. This time, though . . . he's everything to me, I adore him. Even when he's bitchy, cause you know what? Neither I nor anyone else I'm friends with has ever gone through anything even close to some of the shit thats happened to him. He hasn't had it easy, he still doesn't. Picture being kicked out of your house when you were fourteen. Discovering that Dunkin Donuts throws out bagels every night, even if they're still good, and surviving off the ones that didn't hit the ground. Watching friends die one after one. And at the end of the day, being a 19 year old kid living on your own without any parents to help you out, having to figure out how to get through life. He has every right to be moody sometimes.

But he puts up with me. And he loves me. And I love him. And I AM going to schedule a lot of my free time to hang out with him, and I WILL say things like, "Lets hang out tonight, till like 11 so I can hang out with Morgan afterwards." And I'm sorry for that, but what else can I do?




Grah.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

Just to go a little more in depth about the finals for counties.

6 people make it up in each weapon. Neither Lisa or I ever made it before. She was 6-0 for the day, I was 5-1, and Cooke was the only person who had beaten me. She was 6-0 (Ward Melville).

The lineup for girls foil was suprising: Me, Lisa, Jen Olsen from Newfield, who I haven't gotten more than 1 touch on since 10th grade,the Villanuevas from Brentwood who are sort of pushovers, and Cooke, who I go on and off with- lately she's been beating me.


Looking at the lineup I figured I'd take fourth. Me and Lisa had to fence first- I lost 4-5 because she's amazing. My second bout was against Jen. She beat me in overtime 3-2. Then I beat one of the Villanuevas, 5-1 or something.

Then its Lisa vs. Cooke. Both were undefeated for the day. Lisa lost. She took off her mask and my heart just broke. I told her not to worry, and that I would take care of Cooke. It was sort of an empty promise, I was really just trying to get her to cheer up.

Then Jen Olsen and Cooke fenced. Jen was winning 4-1, and Cooke came back to win it 5-4. I hooked Lisa up for her last bout, as Jen was getting off, and Jen just looked at me and told me I had to win. Lisa won her next bout 5-0.

Finally it was the last bout- me vs. Cooke. I spent the previous 10 minutes or so just pacing, trying to psyche myself up. I hooked up, saluted her, the director, and Lisa. Put my mask on, and just thought of all the work that girl has done for us over the last four years, her two years as team captain, all the tournaments and meets that she's done so much for. And her last shot at this championship was on my shoulders. Cooke didn't give me a second glance, she thought she had me beaten.

And I got my five touches, saluted her, and saw the look on Lisa's face. And I think it might have been literally the greatest moment of my life. I will never forget turning around and seeing the tears streaming down her face and knowing how happy she was and that I gave her another chance at that medal.

Then I figured I had fourth place, and Jen was 3rd. There were some issues with the scoresheet though, and they called me over to verify it, and I saw a 3 next to my name, and I just looked at Glenn, and he nodded, and I burst into tears for the umpteenth time that day. And I got the bronze. And I bet it felt as good as the gold.

::cheesy smile::
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

LASTS:
Last Cigarette: never
Last Alcoholic Drink: new years
Last Car Ride: home from Q's
Last Good Cry: the other night
Last Library Book: The Tenth Man, by Paddy Chayefsky
Last book bought:i dunno
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Finding Neverland?
Last Movie Rented: napolean dynamite
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Who knows? I have the mouth of a truck driver.
Last Beverage Drank: water
Last Food: pizza
Last Crush: Morgan?
Last Phone Call: Morgan
Last TV Show Watched: full house
Last Time Showered: last night
Last Shoes Warn: chucks
Last CD Played: Backstreet Boys
Last Item Bought: arizona iced tea and a bagel
Last Annoyance: Ward Melville
Last Disappointment: losing to Jen Olsen, not that it mattered
Last Soda Drank: diet coke
Last Thing Written:diet coke
Last Key Used: enter
Last Words Spoken: yeah
Last Sleep: last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: i dunno
Last Chair Sat in: my desk chair?
Last Webpage Visited: this one, obviously

FIRSTS:
First screen name: don't remember
First piercing/tattoo: ears
First credit card: nope
First enemy: mansfield
First concert:All That Music and More festival, years ago.

DO YOU:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: eljay
YOU LIKE TO COOK: cookies
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVEN'T SHARED WITH ANYONE: a few
HAVE A CRUSH: . . . not really
WANT TO GET MARRIED: yes
GET MOTION SICKNESS: when I spin
THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: no
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: yeah
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: yes
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: brown

FAVORITES:
NUMBER: 27
COLORS: green
DAYS: fridays and sat.
MONTH: october, august
SONG(S): i dunno
SEASON: fall.
DRINK: arizona iced tea

PREFERENCES:
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: both are good.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot cocoa
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: dark
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate

IN THE LAST 2 DAYS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED?I think I spent half of yesterday in tears.
HELPED SOMEONE? I beat Cooke from Melville, giving Lisa a second chance at the gold
BOUGHT SOMETHING? food.
GOTTEN SICK? no
GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope
SAID 'i love you'? yup
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no
TALKED TO AN EX?: yeah
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yeah
HUGGED SOMEONE?: yeah

THE BASICS...
o01. name: ashley
o02. d.o.b.: 3.9.87
o03. location: LI
o04. religion: negative
o05. occupation: student

APPEARANCE...
o01. hair: brown and ridiculously long
o02. eyes: blueish greenish brownish
o03. weight: 125ish
o05. thinking of: where question 4 is.

STYLE...
o01. clothing: comfort
o02. music: anything.
o03. make-up:eye makeup and chapstick.
o04. body art: nope

RIGHT NOW...
o01. wearing: blue pants and my counties tshirt
o02. listening to: nothing

LAST THING YOU...
o01. bought: kdjfslafjdskstopasking
o02. ate & drank: orange juice and pizza.
o03. read: this question
o04. watched on tv: fullhouse

EITHER/OR...
o01. club or house party: house
o02. tea or coffee: Arizona iced tea
o03. achiever or slacker: both
o04. beer or cider: i dunno
o05. drinks or shots: drinks
o06. cats or dogs: dogs
o07. single or taken: taken
o08. pen or pencil: pen
o09. gloves or mittens:gloves
o10. food or candy: food
o11. cassette or cd: cd,
o12. coke or pepsi: coke
o13. matches or a lighter: Lighters

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
o01. kill: Ward Melville.
o02. hear from: morgan
o03. get really wasted with: i dunno.
o04. look like: keira knightly
o05. be like: LISA GRANSHAW
o07. have sex with: elijah wood!

LAST PERSON YOU...
o01. touched: my dad when I tackled him before
o02. talked to: my mom
o03. hugged: dad
o04. instant messaged: Meaghan
o05. kissed: Morgan
o06. who broke your heart: who cares

WHERE DO YOU...
o01. eat: everywhere
o02. dance: everywhere
o03. cry: usually when no ones around
o04. wish you were: morgans.

HAVE YOU EVER...
o01. dated one of your best friends?: yeah
o02. loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: Yes
o03. drank alcohol?: yes
o04. done drugs? no
o05. broken the law?: no
o06. ran away from home?: no
o07. broken a bone?: no
o08. cheated on a test?: yeah
o09. skinny dipped?: nope
o10. played truth or dare?: yeah
o11. flashed someone?: no
o12. mooned someone?: no
o13. kissed someone you didn't know?: no
o14. been on a talk show/game show?: no
o15. been in a fight?: not a fist fight
o16. ridden in a fire truck?: no
o17. been on a plane?: of course
o18. come close to dying?: Yep
o19. cheated on your boy/girl friend?: nope
o20. gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride?: yeah
o21. eaten a worm/mud pie?:no
o22. swam in the ocean?: love it
o23. had a nightmare/dream tha tmade you wake up?: Yes

ARE YOU...
o01. a vegetarian?: i was for 5 years
o02. a good student?: yeah
o03. good at sports?: fencing
o04. wakeboarding/snowboarding?: havent done it
o05. a good singer?: ehh. i'm mediocre at best.
o06. a deep sleeper?: yeah
o07. a good dancer?:no, but I'll pretend.
o08. shy?: very much
o09. outgoing?: Sometimes
o10. a good storyteller?:no, I'm terrible at it.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

CENTEREACH HIGH SCHOOL

GIRL'S FENCING COUNTY CHAMPIONS, 2005!


So we share the title with Melville. The look of devastation on their faces proved that we ARE the champion team.



AND LISA GRANSHAW GOT THE SILVER MEDAL IN FOIL!

AND I GOT THE BRONZE!


And Uke and Ang got 5th and 6th in epee, along with Jimmy Juvet as the sabre county champion!





All in all, it was a fuckin AWESOME day, and we came home with some major bling bling.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

I should hate you. You've done things like this before. I should just walk away.

But I can't, for whatever reason. Not yet. But I don't know how much more I can take of it.
Next time when I walk away, I'm not looking back.


And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for.

But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

spell your name backwards: yelhsa
have you ever had a song written about you: several
what songs make you feel like crying: See I'm Smiling, Nobody Needs to Know, both from The Last Five Years
what songs make you happy: I dunno
what's your all time fav. song?: My Fairy King, by Queen
what do you listen to before you go to sleep: tv
height: 5'4
hair color: brown :)

Right Now . . .
what color pants are you wearing: blue jeans
what song are you listening to: the static on the TV, its really annoying
what taste is in your mouth?: water
whats the weather like?: cold, dusk.
how are you?: a little tired
get motion sickness? only when I spin
have a bad habit?: procrastinating, biting my nails
get along with your parents?: usually
have a current crush: . . . morgan?

Favorite . . .
books: Angela's Ashes, the Hobbit, LotR, Harry Potter, Peter Pan
non alchohol drink: Snapple Apple, water
alchohol drink: smirnoffs and mudslides
things to do on the weekend: just hanging out.

Have You Ever . . .
snuck out of the house: not really
ever gone skinny dipping: nope
made a prank phone call: probably sometime in my day
tipped over a portapotty: heh, no
use your parents credit card: online. with permission.
skipped school before: kinda
fell asleep in the shower/bath: almost
been in a school play: yup
had a boyfriend/girlfriend: no
had children: no
have a hard time getting over someone: yeah, Will.
been hurt? sure
gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: I don't know, does Morgan count? We knew each other but never really talked.

Random . . .
your cd player has what in it right now: Backstreet Boys, OTown
what makes you happy?: crafts, tv, indie movies, good friends, Wendy's
the next CD you're going to buy: dunno

When/What Was the Last . . .
you got a real letter: . . . acceptance into Hofstra's honor program?
thing you purchased: my prom dress!
Tv program you watched: fairly oddparents
song heard: dunno
you were depressed: I don't get depressed, I just get angry.

SURVEY NUMERO DEUX
what is your name? ashley
how old are you? 17
desribe your bedroom: green and crowded
what grade are you in? 12
are you a social butterfly or, wallflower? more of a wallflower, I'd say. I don't like big groups.
where do you work? haha, I laugh.
are you a partier, why or why not: not really, I'm very quiet
what is your style in clothing?first thing I grab.
long or short hair? mine's ridiculously long.
your "type"?Morgan, from head to toe: tall, thin, brown hair, green eyes, pale, dresses nicely, sings, plays guitar, acts, draws, intelligent, responsible, sweet, caring, difficult.
do you play any sports? fencing
if not, what is your favorite sport?
do you love the south, or the north more? the North all the way.
do you have a boyfriend, or girlfriend? yes
who is your Idol? I dont know
what is your sexuality? straight
desribe your favorite outfit: jeans and my brown blazer with converse
desribe the jewelerly you wear everyday: class ring, little mermaid ring, my Is D'Eirren Me ring until Morgan stole it, and usually my green necklace.
what is your favorite picture with a friend? The one of me and Em in Saltaire.
do you take a lot of pictures? Sometimes
what is your favorite movie? so many. LotR, Finding Neverland, Garden State, Its A Wonderful Life, MP&HG, Young Frankenstein, I dunno. Tons.
what is your favorite genre books, movies, etc? Books, fantasy. Movies, anything with substance.
do you sit alone on friday nights, if so, why? not usually, unless Mo has a show and I'm too lazy to find other friends to chill with.
do you go to church, why or why not?No, because I"m not Christian.
favorite season? fall

[The famous, "This or That?"]
sex or oral? sex
girls or boys? boys
realworld, or road rules?real world
mtv or vh1? vh1
realworld paris, or san diego?new orleans
tan or pale? pale
tanning bed or, laying out? laying out
abercombie or hot topic? neither.
100 buddies, or your bestfriends? best friend. <3
white or black? black
britney or christina? britney
dawson or pacey? pacey
jen or joey? joey
dawson or the creek? im not sure of either?
country or rock? rock
country or city? city
big truck, little car? big truck
cats, or dogs? dogs
eat, not eat? eat
ocean, pool? ocean
south, north? north!!!
your middle name, or first? middle
avril or michelle branch ? michelle branch
ashlee or jessica simpson? neither
jonathan jackson, or josh? don't care
bring it on, bring it on again? bring it on
mean girls, white chicks? mean girls!
burnt cd, real cd? the real cd.
clean freak, lazy? haha im both. depends
booty shorts, g-strings? haha
lipgloss, chap-stick? chapstick
lots of eye liner, a little? usually a little.
love, or lust?love
a good cry, keeping it in? a good cry
long sleeve, short sleeve? depends
sweater, or hoodie? hoodie
baggy, or tight? tight

[Voice your opinion]
The war: Shouldn't have happened, but now we have to deal with it.
sex: Its up to you. It should be taken very seriously, in my opinion, but its no one's place to criticize your choice on the matter.
your past relationships: meaningless.
The styles today: overrated. everyone trys to hard to be something.
do you like older singers, or the new people today more: oldies. It was more about talent then, now its all about the image.
the hardest thing you have had to deal with? growing up.
college: is necessary. I'm going to SUNY New Paltz.
god: ::thumbs down::
what makes you happy: food. friends. fun.
whatever else you feel comfertable putting in here: i have phone calls to make.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

I GOT MY PROM DRESS.






I didn't think I'd be that excited about it. And then I got it. And I put it on when I got home to show my daddy and I stayed in it for like an hour, and its so pretty I'm in love.
_thankgoodness

(no subject)

I used to love writing everything in this thing, but lately . . . I just haven't felt the need.

Lets see. Fencing's almost over. On one hand I'm excited cause it takes up so much time and I haven't enjoyed it as much this year as I have in the past. On the other hand . . . that'll be the first thing that really ends. Next, drama will be over, then women's choir, then high school.

Which doesn't scare me as much as it used to. It used to scare the shit out of me, and I was really dreading it a lot. Until a little way through the year when I realized, wow. I'm miserable. School's pointless. I really can't stand the people. And I'm not even talking about the idiots in the hallway, they never really bothered me, and I'm sure they continue to exist after high school, so there's no escaping that. But the people I hang out with, not all, but some of them. Its just the same shit, every day, and I'm so sick of it.

I'm always so tired. I get home and I always want to just go to sleep. I hang out with Morgan, and that exactly what we do. Watch tv, and sleep. He was pretty cranky for a little while, especially last week, cause Midsummer was killing him, and I was getting kind of nervous cause he was being a major bitch. But since Saturday he's been back to normal. Its funny, though, because since we're like, the exact same person, especially when it comes to arrogance and stubborness, our little bickering turns into full-on fights. Its terrible. But I love him. I don't think I've ever been in love before. Not the real kind. I thought I had, but it was never like this. And he's not perfect. He doesn't always say and do the right things. But I'm not perfect either, so why should he have to be? We're perfect for each other.

Kevin's not in as many of my classes this semester. That makes me sad. :( Oh well. I like Themes in Film, a lot, even though I hate the kids in the class. Schotte already hates me. Its never a good sign when they remember how to say Haughwout. But thats ok. I want to be that student who pisses the teacher off but does everything perfectly and you can't fail them even though you really want to. And I really need to get better about going to band and chorus lessons. I almost failed chorus. I'm gonna try really hard to get my grades to straight A's again.

I guess I'm going to write that essay for Dr. Bock. I hate writing, I'm so bad at it. Oh well.