Tags: rl

oh the sweetness

(no subject)

Last night was... strange?
Forcing myself to say twice as much, smile twice as much, BE twice as much,
talk about everything and nothing at all...
just so incredibly tiring.
Or maybe it was J's not-so-subtle put downs that she doesn't think I will dare to do anything about
(besides awk-giggling, because that is my idiotic go-to response to everything I don't know how to deal with)
(ugh that woman, I hate her and - worse - I hate that she's right).
Or P's speech, which was both embarrassing and moving
(and no, not embarrassing in a moving kind of way).
Or listening to other people's speeches and comparing myself to the other trainees,
because - hey - nothing like a little self-hatred and discontent to perk up your day, right? :D

I want so desperately to be good at something.
It kind of sucks that it's that way.
It kind of sucks that it still is that way despite my knowing that it shouldn't be.
happytimes :)

long overdue

I've come several times to this place recently,
meaning to reflect a bit more.
Or, at the very least, a bit more than 'ohhh pretty music yay me happyz', lol.

(A desire set off by W saying he wanted to read this trusty crusty journal, if I am honest.
...a journal which is more of a drama/music review journal + Idol of the Month than anything more substantial,
if I am even more honest.
So, W, if you're reading this - I apologise in advance.)

But anyway.
I've neglected this place, perhaps to my detriment. ><
And now so much has happened since the last proper entry
that I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about the sheer amount I need to think about? (ooh inception)
Breaking it down and taking it bit by bit, as I would tell clients to do
(sometimes I think the skills have helped me more than they have clients - not sure if that's sad or tremendous):

1) W
I've learnt so much about myself, so much about how another ought to be cared for...
and at times I'm so, so conscious that there's still much left to be learnt,
and many mistakes left to be made.
-Committing how things turn out to God AND trusting that He has our best interests in mind.
-Keeping Him at the centre, keeping others in the picture (and how that actually works out in practical ways).
-Learning and re-learning the fact that I'm no longer alone at the centre of my life,
avoiding getting so caught up in my own concerns that I forget the existence and concerns of others.
-Expressiveness, communication, TALKING through things
as opposed to stuffing them under the covers and hoping they'll die a quiet death.
-Taking steps out of my comfort zone (that feel like leaps off a cliff even though they're really the tiniest shuffles lmao).
-Telling the truth but /always/ in love, being careful with what I say
(how true, that 'the words of the reckless pierce like swords').
-Being vulnerable.
-Being silly.
-Taking affection+compliments with grace.
-Figuring my emotions/reasoning out.
-Fielding opinions.

It's definitely a WIP and additional responsibility,
and the emotions are often raw and confusing (I've cried way more frequently than I'd care to admit),
but at the same time it is /such/ a blessing -
to be on this journey together, part of something so beautiful/unexpected/unexpectedly thrilling,
to be cared for in such an indescribably different way.
Sometimes difficult, yes, but I'm thankful.

2) Family
Thankful for family, as always.
Mom continues to be a super-helpful source of encouragement and advice
on relationships/Christianity/life in general,
Dad continues to be... anxious hahaha. xD
More seriously, though,
I thank God that they had the chance to take on the catechism group together -
it's wonderful that they could serve together and balance each other's qualities out,
that Dad had an opportunity to use his knowledge in a more structured/contained way.
Also thankful for Dad's involvement in BH stuff,
for Mom being able to spread her encouragement to some of the AG people too(!),
and just...how supportive they have been with everything, really.
They do have their weaknesses - I don't deny that -
but they have always been there for me when I needed them and wonderful to go to regarding spiritual matters.
And always ready to say what they believe is in my best interests,
no matter how willingly they think I will take it on.
I couldn't be more grateful, and secure.
For Jie as well, with her random anecdotes and special-snowflake sense of humour (xD)
and general awesomeness even though she's got her own difficulties. <3

Dad continues to be very affected by Gong2's illness.
Note to self: I need to start praying in advance for him
to work through what he needs to work through / experience God's peace.

3) Course/therapy
Like DBT says (and as I constantly say to A) - I've done some work, and there's still more work to be done.
I've been talking to a number of people about this,
so what I'm about to say here has already been concretised:
I think most of this year has been about me finding out more about my identity as a therapist,
and kinda sorta starting to deal with it -
the issues that will plague me (anxiety, assertiveness),
the stuff I'm okay at (validation, understanding).
I'm thankful for my placement and supervisor, and for the teaching on the course -
perhaps they weren't the absolute best they could have been,
but they could (seriously!) have been much worse.
I do have my complaints about the nature of the placement
(mostly the lack of variation in client demographic and 2nd-wave stuff),
but I loved that I could work long-term with people,
that I got to do both individual and group work (and teach! And plan, and deal with mistakes in that plan),
that I had got to work with people that provide such different perspectives on therapy.
And that it exposed my issues right-up.

I also think I've improved with the thinking-on-my-feet thing. A little, at least.

(And whenever I hear complaints about things that I thought were alright,
I can't help wondering if I'm too uncritical...
but ignorance is bliss, I suppose.)

4) Church
Thankful for St Helen's (oops, nearly typed St Hellen's lol).
Sometimes it feels a little too perfect(? I can't really explain it),
but it's given me new perspectives on things.
-I'm now better able to see the bigger picture
(whether it's my life or the present moment in the context of eternity/the new creation,
or each Bible verse in the context of the chapter --> book --> Bible).
-Focus on the Word, and on the role of the Word in convicting us.
-One-to-one's have also been incredibly helpful,
just being able to see how St H's bible-reading principles can work in a v positive way
(unlike small groups where leaders may not necessarily bring them to bear in the spirit in which they were meant),
working through books bit by bit and discovering for myself what they mean to me,
learning skills I could see myself applying back home with others,
being excited to see the changes V will be making in ZB after going back... ack. :'D
-Tons of good feeding from the sermons and talks.
Just the variety of things that go on and are actually highly targeted/invite good speakers?
-Community - S, A, H, J in particular.

5) Things I miss most:
-PEOPLE, mostly. And sharing lives.
This time back, it was great to catch up with the people I could catch up with.
Family (mostly Nainai and S), K, A, P, Y, J, V, the York girls, BOD (whom I didn't get to meet this time round, sigh ><).
-Home cooking.

Current entertainment:
-On a C-drama run atm (kickstarted by Lang Ya Bang, ugh).
I rue the day I started down the rabbithole - they are LONG and I end up watching loads at a go.
And if the storyline peters out I've invested so much time already that I have to see it through, haha.
-Subin's solo mini is all-round loveliness.
-Also the 方大同 X 王力宏 collab! Jam.
happytimes :)

is this typical of all departures

I have no clue what it is I'm doing with all the guys in my life.

Seriously though... what the heck is going on in everybody's heads?
All I know is that a cloud of confusion has taken up a kind of swirly permanent residence in mine. 
happytimes :)

so this was meant to be a 'recent movies' post...

but real life has a knack for hijacking things.


First, the unimportant.
Watched 6 movies en route to London (clearly, attempts at avoiding jetlag be damned lol):
-Whiplash (EXCELLENT - a little more on this later okay),
-Parasyte (improbable and squicky and fun),
-Kenshin movies 2-3,
-Hunger Games - Mockingbird Pt 1 (fastforwarded), and
-The Giver (memorable for the questionable distinction of having turned gorgeously understated source material into -
of all things - a YA romance flick(??? where is the logic in that...)).

Loved the acting, that ending. THAT ENDING.
-Did Fletcher really believe in the 'testing by fire' shtick? Or was it just a front to get Andrew to buy in to his idea?
-How great was it that Andrew 'succeeded' in the testing EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T ACTUALLY A TEST??
-And, of course: Was it worth it?
Was Andrew a genius, or a victim of abuse trying to satisfy his abuser? Or a madman?
I also liked the way Andrew was pretty much a douche, lol.
I couldn't sympathise with him fully, which made the proceedings slightly uncomfortable.

Then, on the way back:
-Jellyfish Princess (Literally my only takeaway: Suda Masaki is prettier crossdressing than I am not-crossdressing.),
-Imitation Game (Pretty good, but also pretty standard fare; doesn't beat Whiplash),
-First 5 minutes of Kin Kyori Renai (before I decided that this excuse for a movie wasn't worth sacrificing sleep for).
happytimes :)

(no subject)

Scared... shitless, pretty much. It's not the most welcome feeling, obviously, but there you have it.

God, please overrule. Please.
happytimes :)

so i saw RADWIMPS live tonight.

Truly magical experience.
Phenomenal solos (the bass vs guitar battles *O*), amazing showmanship all around;
also everyone is so sweet and everyone-besides-Yojiro (lmao) is tiny(!)
and Satoshi is actually pretty good at Chinese lolol.
No Order Made but they did pm all their other hits (Oshakashama is electrifying live, btw)
and everything was perfect.
I wish the gig had been longer (it lasted slightly less than two hours, I think?)
but it was completely worth the price and hoarse throat.

asdfjwer I love them so much. ;;;
(but not too soon because I will feel guilty about splurging again)
(and also not too much later because I might not be in SG)