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long overdue

Aug. 9th, 2016 | 11:22 pm

I've come several times to this place recently,
meaning to reflect a bit more.
Or, at the very least, a bit more than 'ohhh pretty music yay me happyz', lol.

(A desire set off by W saying he wanted to read this trusty crusty journal, if I am honest.
...a journal which is more of a drama/music review journal + Idol of the Month than anything more substantial,
if I am even more honest.
So, W, if you're reading this - I apologise in advance.)

But anyway.
I've neglected this place, perhaps to my detriment. ><
And now so much has happened since the last proper entry
that I feel almost overwhelmed thinking about the sheer amount I need to think about? (ooh inception)
Breaking it down and taking it bit by bit, as I would tell clients to do
(sometimes I think the skills have helped me more than they have clients - not sure if that's sad or tremendous):

1) W
I've learnt so much about myself, so much about how another ought to be cared for...
and at times I'm so, so conscious that there's still much left to be learnt,
and many mistakes left to be made.
-Committing how things turn out to God AND trusting that He has our best interests in mind.
-Keeping Him at the centre, keeping others in the picture (and how that actually works out in practical ways).
-Learning and re-learning the fact that I'm no longer alone at the centre of my life,
avoiding getting so caught up in my own concerns that I forget the existence and concerns of others.
-Expressiveness, communication, TALKING through things
as opposed to stuffing them under the covers and hoping they'll die a quiet death.
-Taking steps out of my comfort zone (that feel like leaps off a cliff even though they're really the tiniest shuffles lmao).
-Telling the truth but /always/ in love, being careful with what I say
(how true, that 'the words of the reckless pierce like swords').
-Being vulnerable.
-Being silly.
-Taking affection+compliments with grace.
-Figuring my emotions/reasoning out.
-Fielding opinions.

It's definitely a WIP and additional responsibility,
and the emotions are often raw and confusing (I've cried way more frequently than I'd care to admit),
but at the same time it is /such/ a blessing -
to be on this journey together, part of something so beautiful/unexpected/unexpectedly thrilling,
to be cared for in such an indescribably different way.
Sometimes difficult, yes, but I'm thankful.


2) Family
Thankful for family, as always.
Mom continues to be a super-helpful source of encouragement and advice
on relationships/Christianity/life in general,
Dad continues to be... anxious hahaha. xD
More seriously, though,
I thank God that they had the chance to take on the catechism group together -
it's wonderful that they could serve together and balance each other's qualities out,
that Dad had an opportunity to use his knowledge in a more structured/contained way.
Also thankful for Dad's involvement in BH stuff,
for Mom being able to spread her encouragement to some of the AG people too(!),
and just...how supportive they have been with everything, really.
They do have their weaknesses - I don't deny that -
but they have always been there for me when I needed them and wonderful to go to regarding spiritual matters.
And always ready to say what they believe is in my best interests,
no matter how willingly they think I will take it on.
I couldn't be more grateful, and secure.
For Jie as well, with her random anecdotes and special-snowflake sense of humour (xD)
and general awesomeness even though she's got her own difficulties. <3

Dad continues to be very affected by Gong2's illness.
Note to self: I need to start praying in advance for him
to work through what he needs to work through / experience God's peace.


3) Course/therapy
Like DBT says (and as I constantly say to A) - I've done some work, and there's still more work to be done.
I've been talking to a number of people about this,
so what I'm about to say here has already been concretised:
I think most of this year has been about me finding out more about my identity as a therapist,
and kinda sorta starting to deal with it -
the issues that will plague me (anxiety, assertiveness),
the stuff I'm okay at (validation, understanding).
I'm thankful for my placement and supervisor, and for the teaching on the course -
perhaps they weren't the absolute best they could have been,
but they could (seriously!) have been much worse.
I do have my complaints about the nature of the placement
(mostly the lack of variation in client demographic and 2nd-wave stuff),
but I loved that I could work long-term with people,
that I got to do both individual and group work (and teach! And plan, and deal with mistakes in that plan),
that I had got to work with people that provide such different perspectives on therapy.
And that it exposed my issues right-up.

I also think I've improved with the thinking-on-my-feet thing. A little, at least.

(And whenever I hear complaints about things that I thought were alright,
I can't help wondering if I'm too uncritical...
but ignorance is bliss, I suppose.)


4) Church
Thankful for St Helen's (oops, nearly typed St Hellen's lol).
Sometimes it feels a little too perfect(? I can't really explain it),
but it's given me new perspectives on things.
-I'm now better able to see the bigger picture
(whether it's my life or the present moment in the context of eternity/the new creation,
or each Bible verse in the context of the chapter --> book --> Bible).
-Focus on the Word, and on the role of the Word in convicting us.
-One-to-one's have also been incredibly helpful,
just being able to see how St H's bible-reading principles can work in a v positive way
(unlike small groups where leaders may not necessarily bring them to bear in the spirit in which they were meant),
working through books bit by bit and discovering for myself what they mean to me,
learning skills I could see myself applying back home with others,
being excited to see the changes V will be making in ZB after going back... ack. :'D
-Tons of good feeding from the sermons and talks.
Just the variety of things that go on and are actually highly targeted/invite good speakers?
-Community - S, A, H, J in particular.


5) Things I miss most:
-PEOPLE, mostly. And sharing lives.
This time back, it was great to catch up with the people I could catch up with.
Family (mostly Nainai and S), K, A, P, Y, J, V, the York girls, BOD (whom I didn't get to meet this time round, sigh ><).
-Home cooking.



Current entertainment:
-On a C-drama run atm (kickstarted by Lang Ya Bang, ugh).
I rue the day I started down the rabbithole - they are LONG and I end up watching loads at a go.
And if the storyline peters out I've invested so much time already that I have to see it through, haha.
-Subin's solo mini is all-round loveliness.
-Also the 方大同 X 王力宏 collab! Jam.

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(no subject)

Apr. 26th, 2016 | 04:56 pm


This whole album -
this kid -
*O*
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when your heart is aching, when no one is there for you/ just come here

Oct. 12th, 2014 | 12:05 am

This folksy simplicity ;;

Less immediately arresting/singable than his first album, perhaps,
but more intimate -
alternately tender and bold, draws from deeper,
speaks straight to the heart.
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(no subject)

Sep. 27th, 2014 | 01:02 pm



WOW (no pun intended)
It's not just the vocal talent -
it's the amount of effort that goes into the singing,
and the fact that Eunkwang is constantly monitoring the mix and giving musical directions.
Hats off.
I mean, I'd always known they were a good group,
but I never loved most of their original music so I didn't bother looking further.
I HAVE OFFICIALLY SEEN THE LIGHT.

/brb, making up for all that lost time
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sending some belated love Ha:tfelt's way -

Sep. 7th, 2014 | 01:53 am

Naked and unflinching; it hurts but it hurts so good.

From Ye Eun to Younha, to Gummy and IU and Lim Kim (maybe Ailee too, though I'm not a fan),
solo female artists are the saving grace of Kpop at the moment.
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(no subject)

May. 28th, 2014 | 11:47 pm



Fun jam feat. the cutest showbiz BFFs to ever BFF hamming it up -
the question is, what's /not/ to like??


Also: The Barberettes' album is absolutely amazing, I owe you one Omona ;;
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(no subject)

May. 16th, 2014 | 08:47 pm



Heartbreaking and oh, so gorgeous.
(Funny how so many things are both)
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(no subject)

Dec. 15th, 2013 | 09:35 pm

Music:
-ACTUAL QUEEN
-RADWIMPS' NEW ALBUM IS SO GOOD?
This surprised me, actually -
I was excited, but loving nearly every track off one of their albums is a definite first for me.
-MODERN TIMES REPACKAGE ON 20 DEC ASDLJFWL


Trying to get back into the reading habit.
Attempt #1 was Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,
which was... a bit of a disappointment, to say the least. D:
Occasional moments of promise (beautifully-expressed thoughts, an interesting - if caricatured - main character)
but ugh so painfully pretentious,
especially that whole subplot about mute grandpa
and that useless scene about the bombings and the escaped zoo animals
(which I remember for all the wrong reasons).
Very Miss-Miss-lookie-I-can-write! tryhard.

Attempt #2: So I decided to borrow the first book that caught my eye, commercial or otherwise,
and ended up with Let The Right One In (I know, something like 4-5 years late).
About a third of the way through now and it's difficult going (the ugliness is kind of suffocating)
but it is bald and chilling and just all-round fab.

Then I gave up the indiscriminate gig and borrowed an Auster book. :3


ETA:
Finished Let The Right One In.

Getting the brickbats out of the way:
1) It sort of ran out of speed in the last third.
Something to do with the multiple parallel storylines and brief lapses into floridity, I think.
2) Appreciated the devotion to detail, but the vampire mythology was a tad too neat/complete
(by the end I pm know exactly how vampires are made, why stakes kill,
what bloodlust feels like(!) and why it's so difficult to resist, etc etc).
Leave something to the imagination pls :(

But I loved it.
Actually remarked out loud at one point that this felt like the future of modern horror lit?

I adore that the vampire menace was merely a vehicle to explore the monsters humans carry in us.
Our brutality, our fear, our pride, those shameful urges we hide from the public eye;
our thirst (no pun intended) for life even at the expense of others
(you even get Virginia as a symbol of the choices Eli could have made but didn't,
just in case you didn't catch it the first time round).
Oskar's eventual isolation and departure is - more than a product of his relationship with Eli -
the culmination of bullying, bystander effects, permissive parenting...
and, perhaps, a simple lack of understanding.
It's a feat that this is where most of the bleakness in the novel lies,
not in cheap supernatural/gore tricks (though this was nicely done too, lol).

Also: ambiguous, sympathetic characters and relationships,
pretty good use of multiple POVs to tell a story non-repetitively (though that pesky lack of gaps again),
the matter-of-fact handling of pricklier subjects (homosexuality, gender, paedophilia),
nicely crisp style.
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MODERN TIMES

Oct. 8th, 2013 | 08:04 pm

I'm in love with these album lyrics, goodness.
Still want a full album in IU's native style but this is likely as good as it gets otherwise.
Imperfections notwithstanding, yesyesYES ;;

When I read opinions on music that disagree with mine,
sometimes I think - spitefully - 'but you like XXX's music, so that invalidates your opinion. Ha.'
And I get all smirky and self-congratulatory...
before I remember that I'm an Arashi and BAP fan, lolol.


Home is a (cold)warzone;
idk if Mom and Nainai need to leave each other alone even more so they can cool down
or if Nainai's loneliness is exacerbating things.
The family dynamics feel different now?
The tension's always been there but now it's escalating;
doesn't help that Nainai's actions are getting less comprehensible/more frustrating
and Mom is losing patience.

And Dad and I, forever stuck in the middle.
Just listening to the two /vent/ makes me want to cry.
Which is mildly hilarious, if you think about it.
(This morning Nainai said she wanted to leave - I didn't know what she expected me to say.)
Someone tell me what to do, ugh.
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(no subject)

Sep. 22nd, 2013 | 09:17 pm

Surprising myself with how excited I am for Jieun's out-of-left-field solo comeback, heh. :'D
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