z (___varying) wrote,

Last night was... strange?
Forcing myself to say twice as much, smile twice as much, BE twice as much,
talk about everything and nothing at all...
just so incredibly tiring.
Or maybe it was J's not-so-subtle put downs that she doesn't think I will dare to do anything about
(besides awk-giggling, because that is my idiotic go-to response to everything I don't know how to deal with)
(ugh that woman, I hate her and - worse - I hate that she's right).
Or P's speech, which was both embarrassing and moving
(and no, not embarrassing in a moving kind of way).
Or listening to other people's speeches and comparing myself to the other trainees,
because - hey - nothing like a little self-hatred and discontent to perk up your day, right? :D

I want so desperately to be good at something.
It kind of sucks that it's that way.
It kind of sucks that it still is that way despite my knowing that it shouldn't be.
Tags: rl

  • (no subject)

    the age-old question - how can a body's absence cut so keenly?

  • (no subject)

    Sometimes I feel a bit like a self-cleaning toilet. No splatter! Minimal fuss!

  • (no subject)

    You lead me and keep me from falling / You carry me close to Your heart / And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me

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