i get curious of whether or not you're alive, and i check your facebook to see if you're doing alright. i know thats very dumb of me, considering you hate me with every fiber of your being. but, i have to. i'm painfully maternal, and i can't just throw away a year of my life that easily.
so. i clicked on your videos. and one of them was you singing a song. so i listened to it, because i used to listen to you play music all fracken day. but then i listened to the words. and then i listened to it again and realized it was about me, at least part of it. and then i didn't move for about 10 minutes. and then i looked around me, and remembered where i was. and for a minute, i got sad.
i feel so guilty for ever hurting you. i never meant to, and you know that. but i wasn't the only one who was fucked up. we were both so horrible for one another, but we couldn't see it. and i loved you anyways. i loved you because for once i felt like there was somebody exactly like me, and i didn't need to be afraid of who i was anymore.
but. i betrayed you, and you deserted me when i needed you most. i do have regrets. i know i wasn't as good to you or myself as i should have been. i know that i dumped all of my shit onto you because i couldn't handle it myself. i expected way too much from you, and you failed me.
i want you to know, i wish i did a lot of things differently. it's frustrating to me that we can't be friends because i know that in that light, we're awesome for one another for support. but i know i fucked that up before as well. i never meant to burden you with my shit. in my defense, if you weren't able to handle me we should have just broken up. but, i don't know. you seem happy. and i really am genuinely glad about that. i was worried for a while you'd jump off the deep end and never recover. i'm glad you're working, even if it IS at dunkies. a job is a job.
i felt so fucking betrayed when i heard you were gay. i felt like you lied to me for so long, and i knew you were full of shit. i knew it wouldn't last forever. but you should have told me, bri. i don't know if i can ever forgive you for that.
i wish i never told genevieve. but, i didn't know what to do. i was so scared. and i thought i could trust her. you know what it's like to need to talk to somebody about things. and i couldn't talk to you, it only upset the both of us when i'd try. i wish i had stuck up for myself instead of staying quiet and bitter when we'd argue. i wasn't honest with you either, and it ruined us. i just wanted to protect you, brian. i didn't want you to know how crazy i was becoming, and i was completely in denial of how insane we were driving each other. i just wanted to be perfect for you. but, i needed to be way more secure and way stronger for you, and i couldn't be.
i wish you could see me now. you'd be so fucking proud of me. i am so much stronger, and smarter, and better. and it's not because you're not around. because it's unfair for me to blame all of my shit on you. it's just easier. but it's shit. a lot of bad shit was happening at the time, and we should have just stayed friends.
but i loved you. and as much of a fucking roller coaster as it was, every single second of that year was so utterly vital to who i am now.
you'd be fucking ecstatic if you saw me and my boyfriend. he treats me like gold. and he listens to me, and accepts me for what and who i am. my friends, ugh. i know you'd fall in love with them instantly. i wish we didn't ruin so much of one another.. you could have been a part of all of this.
i'm not giving up. one day, we will have panera sixoheight medvegs, and we're going to smoke a bowl, and sing really loud, and remember the good parts of everything. and then i'm going to fucking hug you, because i'm sick and tired of hating you, or pretending to at least.
IN OTHER NEWS:
it was beautiful out today. work went by painfully slow, but thats only because i was super tired because my adorable fucking boyfriend kept me awake until 3am with tickle fights and cuddles. it was super amazing though. we walked the bike path, talked about a lot of shit, smoked a bowl, came home and watched dilbert then some cheesey ass movie, and i fell asleep and woke up to him still spooning me. little terd, i love him.
mary's party is thursday. calvino and i are pumped to go. AHHHHHHH also! his dad is flying out from sanfran to NYC in April, and i finallyyy get to meet him [:
i mean, don't get me wrong, i love cal's momma. she's a peach and spoils me rotten with sonic and movie dates. but, calvin's dad is like jesus to cal. haha. like. not only do the look identical, but calvin loves that man so much. its adorable, actually. so i can't wait to hug that man until he cant breathe haha.
also, everyone in the apartment, well aside from kevin cause he's gay as hell, has been talking about moving to sanfran next summer. crazyyyyyy. but i want to. and i will. cause god help me if cal and i break up i don't care i'm going anyways. even though i dont see that happening, considering my boyfriend is fucking perfect.
we celebrated six months, dude. that's longer than brian and i. well, officially. ha. awk.
isdnfkgjbngkjgb. i love this boy. so much. it's insane to me how good he is, and how understanding he is. like i literally tell him everything, and he accepts me. entirely. it's crazy. like. birna will probably be the only person who UNDERSTANDS me 100%, but cal is so curious and accomidating that even if he knows he'll never be able to relate, he tries.
idk man. life. so fucking good right now.