___shesinfinite (___shesinfinite) wrote,

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i'm so torn. i can't figure out if i'm happy or miserable with my life right now. i have incredible friends, but are they living the life i want to be a part of? and what would happen if i just got up and left? would they call? would they wonder where i was, or if i'm alive? would they shut me out? never talk to me again?

i can't figure it out. i cant figure out if i'm vital or useless, and i don't exactly know where to go for these answers either.

i mean, i know my boyfriend loves me. he tells me everyday that i'm the best girlfriend ever, and that i'm perfect. but does he care? if i went away would he miss me? and why does that even fucking matter? i don't plan on going anywhere for a veryyyy long time. ugh.

i'm just doing that thing where i get insecure and try to ruin everything around me. but not this time, dude. never again will i be a victim of myself. i've ruined myself too many times to do it again.

i guess lately i've just needed more. i mean, everything here is wonderful. but i cant but feel like there's more i could be doing with my life. like adventuring, or painting murals, or being famous and catty. something.

but maybe this is the way things are supposed to go. maybe calvin and i get married and we move to sanfran together and die happy and old. maybe calvin and i break up tomorrow and i move back to my moms and feel alone and stupid and ugly again.

i don't know. i guess i'm terrified of the latter. i need to relax. everyone here loves me, and i need to remember that.
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