(no subject)

Bloop. I haven't updated this in too long. I don't even know where to start. My last post was about something in my life I feel so completely far away from. So weird to think about our moments of pain. In them, we feel as if it consumes every aspect of what we are doing. It amazes me how one single turn of events can turn your world entirely upside down. I really miss Stephen. What hurts the most is not get having the chance to hold his hand and tell him I love him when he was sick. I would give anything for that chance. Just so he would have died knowing that. A shred of doubt he didn't have to endure in the end.

I don't know. I can't process any of this

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(no subject)

I can't believe 8 days ago Calvin broke up with me.
I can't believe I already have a new apartment with awesome roommates.
I can't believe I finally saw my new therapist yesterday, and how awesomely it went.
I can't believe all of this is happening.

A lot of the time I try to slow things down, like I need to work through it all somehow for it to make sense or be real or whatever existential bullshit i'm trying to say. The last week has been filled with nothing but growth for me, and now that the move and such is approaching I just don't know what to do. I'm sad. Sad as fuck to the point of being bitter. Mostly for the future I was so sure of that's completely dead now. I'm sad because, when we worked at it, we had an awesome relationship.

I was talking to my therapist and telling her about me and Calvin and she just couldn't understand what went wrong. Which I understand. I mean, I don't know. He helped me through a lot of shit. We were the dream team. Left brain and right brain. I don't know. I can't dwell on the fact that we're not together, because we were friends first and foremost no matter what. I just don't know how I'm going to go on without him as my partner in life. I thought we had everything figured out, even the bullshit. I felt like we had forever at our fingertips, but I just couldn't grasp it.

I can't deny that I'm heartbroken. All of my insides were filled with blood and I could feel every part of me boiling over when we broke up. All of my gaskets exploded, and I swear my heart stopped for a second because all I could feel in my chest was this unbearable pain. It was a total nightmare for a few days. But, somewhere along the last week I just snapped out of it. I mean, I lapse into emotional spells sometimes. I still cry, because it still hurts. But I swear I was comatose and incapable of doing anything for the first 73 hours. Then the music video shoot happened. I swear there was a magic somewhere in that art gallery that weekend that I'd never seen before. I felt a part of something again, minus the mind blowing sex and constant cuddles. I felt connected to everyone in the room because, well, I was. I wasn't the star, but everyone knew everyone's name by then end of the shoot. Like we were at summer camp and had gone through some wonderful bonding exercise.

It was beautiful, and above all healing.

I have to move on with my life, even if I don't want to. I have to stay strong because I'm all I've got at the end of the day. I am not a useless human being with Calvin as my boyfriend. I'm just different, and hell maybe even better. We both grew so much together, and that's something I'll never forget. I couldn't forget. He taught me that I'm a human being. That feelings and reality aren't the same. He kept me sane, for the most part.

I should be excited about my new apartment, and I totally fucking am. My roommates are awesome, and the location is wonderful and stupidly convenient.

Fuateva B thurs A Nig.
  • Current Music
    The Runaways

(no subject)

I didn't go to Karl's wake today.
I couldn't find a ride.
That pisses me off.

Why did I give up my car so easily? why did i believe everyone when they said it'd make everything easier. I could have fixed it. it would have been worth it to ME. I don't know. Anyways. I'm trying to broaden my horizons and shit. Making some friends i guess. idk. karl's death affected me way more than i thought it would. i mean, i barely got out of bed today. i didn't even want to. i'm tired. but i slept until like 3pm. i don't even know. now my apartment is like, upset with me because i don't want to play an rpg game. like. no shit i don't, today is a hard day for me.

i just want February to come so I can be in Utah.
  • Current Music

(no subject)

Holy Shit.

Life is pretty amazing.
I know I always say that.
I'm getting a netbook soon,
so my updates will be far more frequent.

BUTTTT for right now, i haven't much to say.

(no subject)

So. I cried. A lot. To his face. I had to. I had to let ihm know how much I hated him. I feel a little better. I miss my boyfriend. I want this weekend to fast forward to Sunday. I'm all set with tonight and tomorrow. Except tomorrow night. Yeah, Tomorrow night is going to be amazing. I just get to cuddle and kiss my mushpie until my lips fall off.

I've been trying to hang out with an old friend. Things between us don't feel as terrible as I once was convinced of.

I don't miss this house, you know. It's just become a sad, familiar place that I try hard to avoid at all costs.

My family blows. Well, my family in Hanover at least.
  • Current Music
    terrible music my brother likes. fgt.

(no subject)

So I"ve taken to writing in an actual journal which is why I haven't been really uodating this one. But I know that not everyone can read the other journal, so if anyone who craes looks at this and sees my inactivity, they'll be sad.

I honestly don't know what to say. Tomorrow is 9 months with Calvin. Holy crap. I can't even believe that. It went by so fracken fast.

um. /shrugs.
  • Current Music
    Yeasayer-Ambling Alp

(no subject)

acid is such a beautiful thing. so is love. and so is being twenty one.

i've been doing some soul searching lately, and I've come to find that I'm at my best when I'm writing. I've done a lot less of that, and more sleeping lately. wasted time. Not that we really need to rush anything in life. We've got so much time to waste even when we think we're busy. whoah, haha. anyways.

Calvin's giving me his old laptop. I'm excited to be able to update whenever. My mytouch makes it harder to post cause, well, touch screens get obnoxious. well. um. more soon?

life has been amazing, by the way [:
  • Current Music
    hazards of love pt.1


Shits been crazy.

Brian messaged me being like I don't hate you, and honestly it was nice. I wish we could just hang out and talk about shit. I just want closure. Bad.

Idk. I'm tired.

(no subject)

This is it.

I got my key to the apartment yesterday. I cried. Ha. I was napping after work and Calvin woke me up and dangled the key in front of me and kissed me a lot and was like, "now you have a key to OUR apartment, babe."

I melted into a puddle and exploded. Bahahaha.

I'm packing my shit today. It's going to be really weird to be in Hanover. Especially to move out of it. Baha.

But, I deserve this. I deserve this life, this amazing life. I have so many people around me that love me no matter what. And I think NOT living with them would be the stupid move.

Everyone's been so supportive about my family's shittyness. Bahaha.

I still can't believe my dipshit brother, his kids, and wife are moving into my mom's. Which is what's forcing me out. But. Seriously? Fuck that guy, actually all of them, for rushing me.

That kind of decision requires being super ready, and I am so god damn lucky these people have been waiting for me to move in for like, forever.

Whatever. I'm really terrified. Mostly because I know this means I really am growing up, and that the rest of my life is happening.

I can do this. I was meant to.
  • Current Music
    girl talk.