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your words are deadly weapons [entries|friends|calendar]

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Sep 10, 2006 at 10:10pm]
am i disgusting looking and nobody told me??
then why am i
a social reject
and apparently even when boys like me they're idiots
or they have girlfriends
or something else happens
i fail at life.
read -4- reply

Aug 13, 2006 at 7:26pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

my entire grade 10 year was summed up in my el jay in like less than 30 posts
just shows how much i update this thing
i talked with aubrey,
i was just confused as hell as to what was going on before
but after we talked it made me feel better
i understand that he just wants to be friends
because 12 hours away is too far
friends is good

two weeks or so until school starts again
i hope this year goes by as fast as last year
and has some actually good memories
instead of just bad ones
i hope i make better friends than the drug addicts and alcoholics i wasted my time with

i havn't drawn or painted in a month
it's horrible
i'm going to go get my sketchbook right now

read -1- reply

Aug 11, 2006 at 8:06pm]
[ mood | ugh ]

i'm 'different' than last year
well yes, of course i am, i'm not 15 anymore
this is what people do
they change
you changed too, in case you didn't know
and what happened to 'we're over, don't worry
it's not like i'm going to try to get back with her'
she was on your mind when you were with me
and you couldn't even break up with me yourself
you ignored me until your best friend finally told me
that's really classy.
thanks for a crappy summer

in other news, chelsey my cousin should be chelsey my sister and i say i move in with her
ah i love her, we have so much fun together
and her boyfriend, riley, is pretty much my best friend by now
we talk for hours and hours
and we can be ourselves around eachother
the drive-in was funnnnnn
cheers to making my summer alot better

read -0- reply

Jul 31, 2006 at 8:30pm]
in manitoba for 10 days
bye kids
read -0- reply

Jul 25, 2006 at 10:30am]
when i stop treating my friends like shit
they actually start treating me better too
you'd think i'd have realised this earlier

everything is falling back into place
im sorry for acting how i did
but it's all better now
and i won't ruin this again
read -0- reply

Jul 22, 2006 at 5:52pm]
[ mood | fuckyou ]

fuck you.
i gave up a year
just for you
and then 8 days before i get to see you again
you go and fuck someone
i guess guys can't keep their promises
nor can they keep their dicks in their pants for a year.
i hate you.
and i hope you both get HIV.

read -1- reply

Jul 14, 2006 at 2:58pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

2 or 3 years ago, all i wanted in a boy was someone with similar music tastes
not i've noticed that i have so much more to talk about
to indulge in
than music

im seeing my 11 year old cousin go though the same thing
thinking music is life
and he even has the same taste as i had
i hated myself then
of course im not pleased with him

i hope he grows up
but not too fast
and i hope he doesn't end up where i ended up
or worse

read -4- reply

Jul 06, 2006 at 11:51am]
[ mood | content ]

i got a job at heritage park
it's pretty sweet, i get to play dress-up and get paid for it

25 days until i'm in manitoba
there's nothing i want more
i can't wait for the firefly catching,
family barbeques,
falling asleep with aubrey, staring at the stars,
hanging out at the beach,
listning to aubreys band,
driving aimlessly, finding cute creeks and having picnics,
being with aubrey and riley and chelsey
it's the only thing i ever want

things are good

read -0- reply

Jun 08, 2006 at 8:34pm]
[ mood | blah ]

i feel like im in a different world
an empty one
and im looking in
at my friends
at my school
through this tiny hole
and i can only glimpse things
but im not involved with it at all

read -0- reply

Jun 06, 2006 at 6:37pm]
i wonder what my parents
friends parents
were like when they were 15?

its all about growing up
i just don't want too
read -1- reply

May 25, 2006 at 7:14pm]
some days
for no reason at all
i feel really sick of it all
especially myself
read -1- reply

May 22, 2006 at 8:09pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

plans change
people change
situations change

i've always wanted to be a teacher, either english or art. the plan was to live in killarney manitoba with aubrey after university. that plan changed. ever since my brother got back from japan, and the two boys stayed here for a while, i've been wanting to live in japan. within this time i've also gotten quite addicted to jdorama's and various anime's ^.^'' however, i now plan on teaching english as a second language in japan for at least 3 years. 3 years is the plan, but as i've said, plans change, and it could be longer.

i know that by the time i graduate university with all the needed courses i'll be at least 24, which means this is 9 years in the future, but give me a break, i just need to plan things. i'm just thinking about aubrey, and what will happen with us. we already live 12 hours driving away, but if i go to japan i doubt we'll ever see eachother. plus, right now it hurts enough every day, i don't know if i can handle a long distance relationship overseas. now i know that i'm acting ridiculous, i'm 15, it's not like i'm going to marry him, i have my whole life ahead of me. shut up, i've heard it, and i'm sick of it. we're making it work right now, and i just need to sort out how it fits in the plan.

ahhh :(

read -0- reply

more kelsey problems. . . [Thursday
Apr 13, 2006 at 8:14pm]
so whenever i try to fix things and talk to her, she tells me i'm acting like a bitch, and she walks away. i officially gave up, because i clearly can't save her, and she goes and writes things about me on her freaking nexopia?!? i don't understand her at all.

"I am so tired of being lied to, or at least the fear that I am being lied to. Who am I suppose to believe? What path is the better one to tread? Maybe this is all a test, or a trick forced towards the simple, so called imputant mind. Yet that is not mine. It is not my own and I will not claim it as mine... never. Growth, that is one of which I must seek in order to survive this. How simple, yet complicated it can be. Decisions are the rival challenging my every fasining, concuring movement. We are all just the pawns while the King and Queen push us along. This game is no longer a bore for me, for it has never been a game. Games are for the young and enthusiasticly ready, that which has passed through aged years of faulty reality. I tried so hard. My idiotic internal voice screeches loudly above all literal responses: YOU DON'T CARE, YOU DON'T CARE, YOU DON'T CARE!!! I am done fucking everything up but you don't believe me and my substancial evidence. These useless, over analyzed words of regret and truth are nothing less of certain despare for me and my now messed up life. You know I would be happy for your life even if I hated it all, but you, of course can't be happy for me unless I am that perfect ideal girl. Don't you realize that is what is making me turn a blind eye? If I still had that loving support I use to have it wouldn't be this way. Don't you see that? It is that which is making me like this. We all have dirty little secrets we don't want them to hear. Cause all we have at the end of the game is the lonely road out. And all I know at the end of the day is the love to smile now...even if that's fake. Above all you are the virgict to my honesty... You aren't inside the places you knew you were. Look around you, the incandescent spiteful lies wandering like ghosts. Yet... they are all there. Why don't you go talk to them? They can gossip and hate me as well. So much for being my best friend... deciteful people, they are all the same. I am better off without you, not. You know its not so easy when your all alone and I wonder if I am all alone in your head. No more crying and trying to make this right. I feel like we will never be the same. But is anything as we stand at the end of the world? Isn't my lust just convenient now? Truly it is all a self-conclusion with one simplifide notion.... These eyes are strongly discovered in disguise. I loved, I saw, I began to live.... You see the mask, the mask I now loathe after so many nights wishing senselessly for such...for lovers, it is parody at the masquerade.


Half of the top part doesn't even make sense, it's like she's tried to sound smart and intelligent, but it comes off as the rants of a madwoman, with no logical flow and words that are used in the wrong context. i think she's just taking everything out on me because she can. i'm so so so done with her.
read -0- reply

Apr 12, 2006 at 6:53pm]
i'm glad we had lunch today :)
junior high was hard for both of us, but we kept eachother going
and then we just drifted
but i think we both needed that talk today
we're good friends,
and i'll always be here for you,
i love you julie
read -1- reply

Apr 10, 2006 at 8:51pm]
every time. every single time.
whenever i confront kelsey about her drinking/drug problem she goes and turns it into something against me, and gets angry with me. she needs to face the fact that she has a problem and needs help. i don't have time for her childish ways anymore. fuck why can't she just stop being an idiot?
read -3- reply

Apr 06, 2006 at 7:03pm]
i'm thinking of writing a novel based on the song "Self-Conclusion" by The Spill Canvas. i've always wanted to write a novel, just never had the right inspiration. the song will be the beginning, as in that is where the writing will start, but it's only going to be the first chapter, and then i'll write a novel on the events leading to that. i'm looking forward to what's going to come of this.

even though i love this song, listning to it on repeat all day, and the night before, has negative mental effects. all day i've kind of felt like dying. i'll have to put on some spice girls or something tonight to reverse that effect. or maybe i'm just having another low, which would make sense, i mean it's been at least a month since my last breakdown. whatever happens will happen though. .
read -0- reply

Mar 27, 2006 at 9:28pm]
[ mood | excited ]

so riley and aubrey came to calgary from manitoba ^.^
pictureeeeeeeCollapse )

read -1- reply

Mar 06, 2006 at 9:32pm]
[ mood | what do you think?! ]

gotta love it when your friend since grade 2 moves in with her 23 year old boyfriend.

read -1- reply

dear mom [Saturday
Jan 28, 2006 at 3:51pm]
i hate how you think it's acceptable to ignore the problem
i hate how you think it's acceptable to ignore everything that isn't good to you
i hate your method of dealing with me
i hate your standards for me, and how they're so high
i hate your 'dissapointed' look
and how it burns into me
i hate how im not a lawyer
or doctor
or a success
and i hate that you hate that too
read -0- reply

Jan 20, 2006 at 11:40pm]
Every time I feel I need to refresh, start over, take a breath and whatnot, I clean. My room is a MESS. Absolute mess. But I really want to clean it and make it organized and keep it tidy. I just feel it's the best way to rid myself of the clutter, rid myself of the physical clutter first, then deal with the mental clutter. ^.^
read -2- reply

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