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Lady Gaga 1

she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor

just for the attention

i'm not going to write you a love song
Lady Gaga 1
___heroine
i want to be a writer. i want to drive my dream convertible (four person seating of course, because life's more fun with more friends and seating space) and blast all my favorite songs on burned CDs not caring one bit about the wind messing up my hair or the sun shining down and heating up my dark brown hair covering my headless scalp. i want to feel the protection of big polka dotted sunglasses and spf 50 sunscreen. i want to be inspired by the outside sky living so freely above me so close i could reach out and touch it with teal fingertips and i want to befriend the lightening bugs that dare to get a little bit too close. i want to smile at the simple things and be unafraid of spiders that find their way into my backseat while i'm pumping gas. i want a blanket to keep my seats cool while i'm standing in line for overpriced icy bevereages. i want colored leaves to fall upon my head in november and i want to write freeform poetry and recite the words to various chosen highway exits and not care if there's no one sitting beside me for any journey i take on. i want to keep a notebook with me at all times for my favorite verses and inspirational quotes. i want to sing into the windshield wipers, and dance within the confinements of the seatbelt that might one day save my life. i want to take photos of raw emotions - strangers laughing, best friends sharing ice cream, genuine smiles of anyone and everyone around me. i want to stop feelng trapped, stop feeling like life's speeding by me too fast for me to catch on. i want to be alone for once without feeling afraid. i want my own two feet to stand on, i want to depend on myself to keep me safe. i want to sieze this moment to feel so free and so happy. i want to defy you - forget the stereotypes and fly free doing what i want - doing everything that's going to make me happy. i want to escape your hollow words of "you deserve better," escape these new strangers telling me i'm too smart, too pretty and too clever, with too much ambition and too much of a future ahead of me to waste my time. i want to turn the music up, feel the wind and just stop listening to all the noise. i want to do what i want. i want responsibility and limitless possibilities with the attitude of a child. i want this love to live forever, long after we've spent countless hours earning a simple piece of paper promising possibilities for the ambtitious, long after we've outgrown our childhood bedrooms and long after we've thrown away worn out sneakers and battered stuffed animals. i want everything real to never end. i want to bask in the glory of simple gestures of kindness and neverending piano solos. i want my happiness on repeat while i'm holding your hand. i want stability and choice, and maybe just a bit of courage to achieve all these dreams.


i've edited this entry about 15 times and i still feel like i can't express anything on my mind.