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(1 mother fucker | Say it to my face)

[16 Aug 2005|09:29pm]
Jim called me today saying that he misses me wants me to move back home. Fat chance. WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS. Once I leave he wants me back. When I come back he changes his mind. It's never ending and it's fucking bullshit. So here I am. In Cleaveland. Far away from family, friends, him, home, everything. Trying to make this work, but it just gets harder and harder. Why can't I be in love with someone steady? Why can't I care this much for someone who wants me around 24-7 instead of just half the time? All it does is fuck with my head and eat me up inside.
Tonight brings stress, and a war against myself.
I called him a stupid fucker and told him not to call me anymore until he made up his mind for sure. Ok sure we had fun in Chicago and it was so good to see him but all day long I was an unhappy mess. Walking around with someone casually when you're used to walking around holding hands doesn't seem like a huge deal but its a huge transaction to get used to. Maybe at some point in time we'll be able to establish a healthy relationship or at least a friendship. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. Why should I come home just to sit around and wait for him? He has a girlfriend and she's prettier than me. She has a carreer, a good personality, a nice body, pretty clothes, nice hair, nice nails, pretty eyes, and a beutiful smile. Why would I go home and wait for him to get sick of that? She's little suzie home maker and I'm just a train wreck that doesn't know what I want from life.
Went out looking for jobs. Found jack shit. One day my bank account is going to run out and I'll have no choice but to go back home but until that day comes I'm going to make it here as long as possible. I'll fucking work at Burger King if I have to. Fuck Cleveland. Fuck toronto. Fuck Chicago for making me feel this way. Fuck Chicago for me seeing her in person. Fuck everything you fucking fuckers.

Michelle textd me today and said that her cat died. Poor honey. I feel bad.

[14 Aug 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | heart broken ]

I swear that when I saw him yesterday my world fell apart. Does he know that this is killing me? Does he care? I wouldn't imagine. He looked right at me with his arm around her and didn't even smile. I went over to say "hello" and he didn't even look up. No eye contact. No smiles. Not even a look in my fucking direction. What? A new girlfriend means that I was just a joke? He can't aknowledge me because she's there? So will it be the same for her once he's moved on?

I can move on too. I've moved away. I'm taking a long vacation. I'm getting rid of bad friends, people that have used me, people that shit talk me, and people that think I'm going nowhere. I deleted my old journal (love_____lyssa RIP). I've changed my number. Maybe he'll never find me again. Maybe if he never finds me and we never see eachother again I can let it go.

I waited so long to have him and once I finally did I let it go. Was I wrong? I can't help missing him but I cant deal with the distance.

[06 Aug 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | sad ]

What do I say to him after all this? Every day I want to call, write, message, anything. I won't let myself. It may have not been a long relationship but to me, it was everything. If he's happy with her now then good for him, but why couldn't that be me? Now they all shit talk me like it's some kind of joke. Oh well I guess some people never grow up. Every time I even see him on myspace it hurts me, and every time I look at her page when I know I shouldn't but the internet lurker comes out in me, I see them together in pictures and it kills me. I remember how my heart sank when I saw her with him. The LAST thing I expected was to see her there. I knew it would be hard to face him after everything that happened but that just made it even worse. I have to move on, find someone else, fall in love again, or give up on everything.

Cleveland isn't as picture perfect as I had hoped it would be, but it gets me away from home for a while. Nothing will ever feel as good as TO but I just can't be there right now.

A good friend called me to ask me what I'd think about moving back home and getting a place with her and getting my old job back. I'd love that more than anything but right now I need to be away.

Maybe I'll make friends in cleveland for fucks sake if not an aquaintance.

[01 Aug 2005|11:37am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]


The bar scene here is so much different then Toronto. Maybe I'll start going home for drinks. Shit. This place is a joke. No social life. No work life. No school life. I'm here to get away but I feel like I'm just wasting time. Who cares. I don't.

Jilly keeps calling and texting telling me about Tommy's penis incodent. HAHA. It's no secret anymore darling. <3

Oh. [23 Jul 2005|02:38am]
Dates in other cities, other countries are O.K.
I got flowers and my chair pulled out and a good night kiss and a good night-secret.

I'm still destroyed from Chicago. Weather I'm getting laid or not.

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