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like dead flowers.. [12 Nov 2011|01:21am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Why is it that I have no luck at all? I find someone who is amazing in every which way, and that's just a let down.
 I mean, not completely. I'm just tired of not doing anything anymore. We use to do so much...and be so happy. & now all it seems that we do it "argue."  I know I'm not perfect. No one is.  I'm just miserable. When I try to tell him how I feel, it turns into a screaming match. I can't take it anymore. I love him, I really truly do. He's funny, knows how to make me laugh, and I don't know what it is, but when he smiles, I can't help but smile. Maybe it's just me..maybe I'm the problem. Should I just walk away? Leave it all behind? I've thought about it. I doubt I can though without destroying myself. Am I over reacting? It's good to express your feelings, right? Obviously I have a lot of questions that won't be answered because this is pretty much me talking to myself here. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. "Only time will tell."  It just so sucks. I feel sick to my stomach about this entire situation. I know half of it's my fault, I confess to that. It just can't be right when I express and show how much I care and love him and rarely ever get anything like that in return. Giving isn't always receiving...but it's not like giving him my love and care costs anything. There is only so much someone can build up inside before letting it all out..and it'll erupt at some point. Trust me, I just found out the hard way.

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woah; [06 Nov 2009|05:05am]
how awesome is life..?

...yeh, my thoughts exactly. =/
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REMEMBER MEEEE? [30 Apr 2008|08:14pm]
[ mood | content. ]

so,  alot's changed.
I stopped talking to Matthew.
Started talking to Neil, who is amazing.
Then things tumbled downhill; i went out with dannyb,
then jay, who i guess i can say i kinda miss? but not really.
he got too jealous.
i realized that im not quite sure what i want exactly.
after brendan i've been so cautious and confused.
ive ended up running towards my ex, spencer.
which now im lost, cause we both have no idea what we want.
but its cool.
i take my drivers test monday.

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WITH EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY [22 Apr 2007|02:42am]
heres the latest news in my life.
i've joined the fire department back in november.
doing so, i became quite close with one of my distant guy friends.
& things just sparked?
we like eachother, quite much.
He's amazing and i mean it about this one,
he's a keeper<3
ANYWAY, he asked me to his formal, which was saturday [21] and it was
quite fun.
He didn't leave my side all night, it was quite nice,
He introduced me to his friends, and seemed excited to do so.
We danced a little, but talked mostly.
It didn't exactly matter to me, just being around him was enough for me.
well, when we were leaving with kait, james and covert, i checked my voicemails
and one was from Mandi saying that WHITE won sports night. :]
so i went to coverts and changed, than meatball and i got dropped off at his house.
We hungout for a little, than Mandi came and got me and we went to Danielles, where
we are now. & we're watching some movie. wooo?

well, i have a manditory meeting tomorrow, plus packing cause im moving this week.
and will officially be moved in to the new place next monday.

Matthew Kehoe<3 
thanks bbby.
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I'M FINE. [20 Jan 2007|02:34am]
hm; life? its quite good. I don't have a whats his face anymore.
I'm just myself, living for myself, not caring if someone accepts it.
yeah; its 5:27 am.  I'm that amazing. Boys are the last thing on my mind;
no one needs them. I'd rather enjoy there presence as friends, than to get fucked over
by one. ya know? I thought about it all in the past month, and there really is no point in being
upset, or missing someone who doesnt miss you back. There will be PLENTY of other ones.
I don't need to be worrying about it now. :]  But i forgot how likeable i could actually be.
without even trying. But i'm not sure what i want quite yet. 
I'll just play it by ear and what happens, happens i guess.
I think thats a pretty darn good way to look at life now.
ANYWAY; tonight Davey poo and Randall came over to watch a movie
with me, Danielle,Ski & Christie.
Davey called me a couch hog, cause i fell asleep?
oh well, i was tired.
but i'm awake now.
wierd? right. Anyway, then he grabbed my broken toe.
ha, that tart. 
It's 20 minitues to 6 am, and im gettingup in an hour and  a half.
LUCKY; ha.

 right batman.
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nobody cares. [01 Oct 2006|04:06am]
hm; i hate this.
but its cool, i guess.
i dont feel like writting about brendan like i use to all the time.
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nagger. [23 Aug 2006|12:06pm]
fuck all guys. :]
period end.
none of them are worth your time.
deffinitily if its a distance one.
fuckk ittt.
2 comments|post comment

I LIKE WHERE WE AREEE. [08 Aug 2006|02:22am]
brendan and i broke up;
after a month and some weeks.
but its cool, we're still talking.
and still care about eachother.
so it's all good, i guess.
i mean, i still want to be with him, but i guess
it cant be that way? i don't really know.
It's all just so confusing.
We had a nice talk the other night, and
i really think we needed it.
We needed to see how we both felt, and
how we see things, and whats going through each
of our heads.
It actually made me feel alot better, like sometimes i
dont even see why i like him as much as i do.
I mean its not like i gave myself to him, we havent even 
done anything yet. & i guess thats what makes me feel so conected
towards him.  I feel different around him, and honestly i'm liking it.
I get moody, and bitchy, i admit, but it's normal.
Like, i guess i get like that because im scared,
i don't want to lose him.
I mean, i feel like a retarted right now because
i'm saying all this to an online journal that i barely ever use.
but i need to say it, ha.
I don't know, i want himt to be happy.
Even if he didn't want to talk to me anymore, i guess i'd be okay with it
because thats what he wants, & i care about him.
So i'd make myself be okay with it.
He's my boo, & i'm always thinking about him.
Like, i honestly don't think there really is a time that i'm not thinking about him
and what he's doing at that exact time.
I feel as if i've grown to trust him, I haven't trusted him
the whole time we've talked, and been together.
and now i feel as if i have all the reasons to.
You don't even understand the things i would do just to be with him right now,
and be by his side.

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sure. [18 Jul 2006|01:36am]
i came to a conclusion..
i think way to much.
i guess its because lately i
havent been able to get to sleep.
& i have nothing else to do.
lately, everythings not going my way.
but whatev.
well, Me and Emily are going to the beach
wednesday with Carl.
We haven't hungout with Carl in forever.
So we called him up the other day, & he picked me
Cara, & Emily up from 711.
& we hungout at taco bell, & drove around.
it was quite fun.
Then Emily slept over, and ha, i love her.
Everytime we go to fall asleep, i start laughing.
no idea why.
i guess, cause its just random. 
we both just put our heads down, say night,
then i start a laughing fest.
ha, its odd.
but yeah.
i miss brendan, even though i saw him like, 2 days ago.
i hopehopehope he comes over friday.
that'd make my lifee. :]
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GAYY. [11 Jul 2006|11:48pm]
so last night was like, cool?
well, around 6, paul andrew and kevin show up out front
of my house, cause me and emily were going to their band practice.
we were quite excited, & their new songs sound mad good.
& honestly i dont really enjoy screaming. 
I was kinda shocked.
Ha, but their practices are funny.
they joke around and play randomy stuff
like, "wait till you see my ohhhhh", 
then get all serious, haha.
So, after practice we all sat outfront, and
derek started telling us stories about his friend.
& they were hilarious.
Later, andrew dropped me emily and kevin off at my house.
& i was starving so i went all the way up to my room,
and counted change, and ordered a cheese steak.
The guy got here, and i was like, its like, 20 something, and
i was like, take it all, so he walked away with my glass cup, 
So, we all ate.
Then sat around, me and my sister fought.
whats new.
Then kevin threatened me that if we didnt take a walk he
was gunna snap my knee backwards, and i'll look like a
so we went outfront to the river, then went outback to the church.
& hungout there, and played with the hoses, and we made this puddle, and we jumped in them
but i didnt realize there was actually a decent size puddle, that if you jump it in,
your deffinitly getting wet.
& well, i jumped it in.
So, we just sat around and talked, and got aten my bugs.
ya know, that fun stuff.
Then i was like, emily why dont you walk kevin to the front of the church and i'll meet you inside.
so she did so.
Then we stayed up till like, 3:30.
& woke up today at like, 1:30.
So we watched tv, then my sister called me and was like, are you home?
and i was like, of course. So she said stay there, i have a suprise for you.
& a half an hour passes, and my sister walks in the upstairs living room,
with my dad.  & my dad started crying and walked over to me and huggged me.
It felt like i havent seen my dad in ages.
& seeing him walking up the steps in my house, like, made me so happy.
So i got a quick shower, and we left, took emily home.
then went to my dads friends.
Then took my dad home.
He's finally getting out of my aunts.
and im estatic, because i hate her with the biggest passion.
She's treating my dad like he's 2.
and hes realizing that now.
So, i went to the firehouse with my sister, 
and it was amusing.
some kid at her station drove off in her car, so my sister ran after him.
Then took his car, and parked it blocks away, and walked back to the firehouse.
haha, then we hungout for a few, then she took my to my aunts, where my mom was.
Then we got something to eat, came home, i changed.
then went to 711 with emily.
walked to walnut, and seen john, and them.
then hungout at 711.
& Spencer decided to talk to me?
So i decided to be an asshole.
:] cause im amazing at that.
Emily laughs at me, because she knows that i enjoy when he
hates me. :]
then, we hungout on the side of 711 with Evan.
Then  Kevin showed up, and we all just talked, and hungout.
Then i started falling asleep.
so my mom came to get me.
& right as i pulled out of the parking lot, 
& pat's like, a brother to me.
if anyone fucks with me, he's always got my back.
& always has, since like, 6th grade.
that ahole.

& i miss brendan.

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BLAH. [10 Jul 2006|10:34pm]
i miss my adorable boyfriend.
i want to see him really soon.
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shuuuud up. [09 Jul 2006|04:22pm]
blah, so my dad got out of the hospital.
and he's not himself exactly yet, but of course
he's not going to be.  He repeats himself alot.
Like, He'll ask my a question, then like 5 min's later,
asks it again. & my mom doesn't want me back on the motorcycle with him,
which upset me, because that's what i've been doing before i was even 1.
That was my first big thing, and i was like, a few months old.
My mom's taking away what i loveee.  That's the one thing me and my dad 
have in common, is the love of that bike.
blah, i don't care what she says, I'm going back on it.
Maybee not anytime soon, since he's still injured, but
a little after he's back and driving.
blah, i really can't wait till we take my dirtbike out.
We use to do it allll the time, like every weekend.
Then my parents got a divorce, and well, everything went down hill.
& my dad use to always talk to me about their seperation, &
i was pretty mature when i was like 10.
I hungout with older people, like, way older than me.
&, i delt with alot of stuff that my parents threw at me.
They never came to Mandi to argue with her, or tell them their feelings,
or how they felt towards one another, it was always me.
Even if i hated it, and told them not to, they still did.
& they still do.
& they fucked up my childhood.
I honestly think that's why i have the attitude i do.
I wish i didnt have to live with either of them.
I mean, my dad's was the coolest ever, i loved it there.
My dad was like my best friend.
Then he decided to move, and he moved in with my aunt, [his sister]
who i hate, pretty badly.
& i felt like i was on house arrest.
Hainesport is the corniest town ever.
The people they're, in the chase that is, are jgladhndfjhda.
My own family looks at me like im an outcast.
See, that's my dad's side of the family for you.
It pisses me off so bad, because ever since my dad moved in there,
my aunt has him like, on strings.
She tells him what to do, and he does it.
It's like hes a kid again, & i cant stand that.
My dad use to be my best frienddddddd,
my dad was like, the coolest.  He'd take me and my friends out to dinner.
He'd just enjoy spending time with us, and it was always a laugh.
He was like, a friend, not a dad.
When there was nothing to do, and we were home, we'd take random drives.
& just talk about everything.
When i didnt feel good, he'd make me stay home, then take me to AC.
or the mall.  
blah, i miss that.
I just need him to get out of that house.
ha, this entries like all about my dad.
i ramble on and on.
stupid me.
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[29 Jun 2006|06:33pm]

So, i woke up today, and i felt as if i was gunna die.

all i want to do is sleep, and lay around the house.

But i went to go see my dad anyway. I really wish i hadn't because

there was a whole in my moms face and a hole in my stomach in a picture that was on my dads bulletin board, and the only person who would of done it was my aunt, because she hates my mother, and she hates me because i told her a week ago i hated her.

so my dad freaked out because my mom took the pictures because she put them there beacuse they were her favorite. Then he called my mom stupid and said she put the whole in her face and my stomach. & i just sat there and listened, which brought back some chilhood memories because they'd always fight infront of me.  Then my mom got upset and left, so i sat there and just tried to change the subject, but he kept nagging about it.  Then since i told him i didnt care about the pictures, he started yelling at my telling me i didnt care about him, and that i "should just fucking leave".  But i ignored it and called my mom to tell her to come back upstairs, then they started fighting more, and everything he said he denied.  So i was like alright by dad, and he was like yeah by like you care, and that hurt me, so i walked out of the room crying and then he called my cell on the way home telling me that if i dont get back here to tell him im sorry, my phones getting shut off. & i told him for the fuck ahead and shut it off, im not going back there and saying sorry for something i didnt even do.  He wanted me to say sorry for starting everything.  The whole way home we arruged, and i started yelling, then crying, which made me feel even more sick. and i have a headache. and i feel like jumping off a cliff.  My dad obviously still has some brain trama because thats deffinitly not himself.  He like, has no heart at all.  I dont like it either, thats not my dad.  My dad hates to see my cry, & if he makes me cry, he feels like shit and hugs me.  But he just kept yelling at me, so i threw the phone at my mom and havent answered it since.  He hasnt even called me back.  I miss my old dad.

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+++++FCKA. [28 Jun 2006|09:03pm]

So, last year.
i wanted to go to military school.
like, my dad did.  Actually, the same one he went to.
But i wasnt allowed. :[


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+++++FCKA. [25 Jun 2006|01:21pm]
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+++++ [24 Jun 2006|12:02pm]
My dad has brain trama.
I dont like it.
But he's like 15 mins away now,
instead of 2 hours.
which is reallly good.
But my dad doesnt want to do what hes told at his
new hospital.
But he needs to so he can get out and go home.
last night i went to the movies with Kaywhylee & Michele.
Me and Kaywhylee cried at this one part..
Michele didnt though? haha. But we had this whole bucket of popcorn, and a small bag. & Michele was putting loads of popcorn in my hair while i was watching the movie.
It was cool. Then at the end of the movie, michele dumped the whole bucket on my head.
Our whole row was fillllled with popcorn cause of us.
& We werent the assholes we thought we were gunna be.
But when we laughed, we did fake laughs.
cause were stupid?
yes, thats it.
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++I'M FINDING IT HARDDD. [22 Jun 2006|01:00pm]
entries blow.
& my cousins taking me and Lauren to the beach.

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++SO I'LL KILL THE TOWN. [09 Jun 2006|05:14pm]
[ mood | mixed. ]

i'm having like the worst day ever.
you wouldnt even believe.
people have just been getting on my nerves so bad today.
plus fucking assholes drawing on the cover of my yearbook.
which topped it all off; and now im in the worst mood ever.
And my dad just called me bitching at me, pretty much telling me
that i dont care about him, and i use him for rides and to get money.
which is totally bullshit because i only call him to hangout.
i dont call him to give me money, i dont even ask for money from him.
my sister does.
and hes the dumbass who gives it to her.
but i get bitched at it.
Kevin tried to make me in a better mood on the bus.
which it got all the stuff that was written on my yearbook off.
which made me less mad, but still, who the fuck is that immature
to write on someones yearbook.
anyway; i need to get out with my BIFF Kaywhylee.
shes like, my other half.
and yeah, so were going to the mall most likely.

i miss brendannn :[
i just want to hugg himm.

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BAHHH. [08 Jun 2006|11:16pm]
Brendan thinks i hate him;
but i actually really dont.
i love himmmm.
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++++x2 [06 Jun 2006|07:18pm]
[ mood | blahgah. ]

this is gay now.
but my cousin picked me up from the bus stop today.
then he came over and transfered my files for me.
:], then he was talking about gadges so we decided to go to
the mall.
So we picked up my friend Staci [hisgirlfriend], and Jadine.
So me and Jadine sat in the backseat, and i took the romote[sp?] to
his head unit.
And he'd put on a good song, and i turned up the volume, or changed the song.
he was getting mad
but it was hilarious.
lalala, we got to the mall and went into spencer's and
me and jadine looked at the shirts.
and our 2 favorite were "i♥ BJs" & "Love sucks, true love swallows". Then we went to look at the dildo's.
and it was hilarious.
we acted all amused,and my cousin was like, CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS PART?! PLEASEEEE?
we couldnt stop laughing.
so then we went to American Eagle, and i spent like 26 dollars in there on 3 shirts :].
lalalala, im cooool.
then we went and bought curly fries.
and left.
The way home, staci started throwing trash and ketchup out the window.
it was funny.
because the lady behind us, lives by RHS, and yells at my cousin every morning for his radio being to loud.
Then we dropped Staci and Jadine off.
But Ryan and Staci took forever to say bye, so me and jadine turned the heat on in the car, and rolled up the windows.
Then finally, we left.
and me and ryan always have interesting talks on the way to my house.
like, we dont get along most of the time, but
when we actually talk about something, like how confusing things get and how people act odd infront of friends.
It's like, we finally have something in common.
oh well.
i got home.
then my mom made me show her all the stuff i bought.


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