(no subject)

me and mike are over.

i just got back from visiting him in Argentina for 3 days. Ive been pretty miserable ever since i left NY and seeing him made me truely happy for the first time in a long time. we had so much fun and things were like they used to be. when we would constantly have our hands entwined together, when i would call him faggot, when there was just so much love and never any sorrow or anger between us. just constant love. we could never get sick of eachother. back in NY we saw eachother almost every day. in the summer wed be together from morning til night when id have to take my train back to Port Jeff.
but yesturday morning i had to leave, and thats when i had to tell him the truth.
the truth is, i recently learned that i CANT come back to the United States. im not sure exactly what happened, but it doesnt matter. i cant come back. i cant even visit. and so i told this to him, and we started to talk about what would be best for our relationship. his parents are thinking about moving to argentina and sending him to college there. problem is, college in argentina starts in march. so that means it would be a year before id see him IF they even went through with it.
he told me the last 4 months ive been gone have been hell for him,and that a year is too long for him to wait. he said that he thought i was coming back so he never thought twice about breaking up. but now this news has come up, his mind has chnaged. he promised me that one day hed come find me, and that we would be together again. he said he wanted me to be his wife, and honest to god nothing would make me happier. he told me i was his best friend. but for now, we cant go on like this. he promised. but latley ive had more promises broken to me than i can count. and i broke a few to others back in NY. like the promise of my return. im so sorry.

and so yesturday morning at the Buenos Ayres ferry terminal, we said goodbye for real this time. he didnt cry, he didnt have any expression on his face at all. which scares me. is he even upset? does he already have some plan to ask another girl out back on LI? as for me, i broke into sobs and im still crying now. last night i cried and cried and screamed to God in heaven to bring him back to me.
i love michael alexander stivala more than anything, i dont want to find anyone else. im in love with this boy and im not ready for this kind of pain. my life for the past year has been one tragedy after another, but i always had mike and thats what got me through all this. this is too much.i hate how people dont take my sadness seriously now becuase they think its just "oh poor belen, she got her heart broken from a silly teenage relationship". well you know what? most people my age dont have a relationship like me and mikes and it almost never lasts a year. we broke up because we had no other choice. we still love eachother, there was no problem there. all we bring to eachother is happiness, and now thats gone.

im alone now. and ive never been more miserable and lonely in my life.

(no subject)

I'm not going to Smithtown or St.James anymore. I'm sick of wasting my money taking the train. A lot of you even drive, and its about five bucks for gas money. I moved onto my boat 4 months ago, and 5 days out of every week I went into town by trian. The only people that have bothered to come see me are Claire, Mike, and Matty.


So other than that things have sucked:

I'm fatter and uglier than ever

I've been in such a terrible mood latley and it's got me in a bit of trouble

I'm moving away in less than 3 weeks

I'm broke


I'm done with complaining. And I'm done hanging around people I hate.