The chances of anybody loving me 100% for me:
Slim to none.
Maybe I just can't love me 100%.
Maybe it's both, so it's all leading to one thing.
I wish I could love 100% but there is always something to bother me.
You don't act like you care enough,
but when you act like it, it feels like just that:
Sometimes I think my problem is that I understand the cynical comedy in life.
That might be why I just lay there anymore.
It's all relative.
I go to school to get a real job.
I get a real job so I can live a happy and successful life.
I can't do the things I want to do because I'm in school.
So what, I have to wait until I'm 50? Until I'm 60?
I have to wait so I can seem the world with a walker?
That seems unreasonable.
Will it be alone?
I blame you for everything I am as well.
Stubborn, rude, fucking ass.
I want you to find me cute,
I want to be able to buy a fucking kitten without you telling me I'm stupid.
I want a fucking birthday present without begging for one
(not that you got me one after I bitched about it).
I want you to know how to get me wet without me telling you,
and for you not to be such a bitch about me rolling my eyes when it's not working.
Be a man try a little damn harder.
Sometimes when i drive my car I wonder how it would be to just plow into other cars
like a bowling ball into pins.
metal to metal.
I've never felt that before.
I love Beckett because I feel he things the world is just as ignorant as I do.
I hate the color of my walls. I hate this town.
But I will hate every town I belong to.
This made me feel the same I already felt.
I've been diabetic for a month. It's kind of hard to deal with being me though.
That is, I hate attention... but I also crave it.
Not crave in the oh look at me way, but as in the:
stay in with me when I can't drink & don't eat cookies in front of me;
kind of way.
But then again I play it off like no big deal.
Its a big deal.
I just turned 21, every time I have had a single cocktail I wake up vomiting.
"get over it"
I feel that's what everyone wants me to do.
well you try never drinking again,
you try having to keep track of every little bite of anything you put in your mouth.
medication on medication.
pricking your finger a million times a day to try to read your body.
exercising every day!
This on top of basically teaching myself chemistry and medical terminology,
Learning human anatomy
& reading, picking apart, and writing essays about 18th century plays.
Quitting a job, starting a job.
Sure it could be worse, I could have to take insulin.
But how much worse really is that?
I could drink & eat & such.
I guess I don't know enough about it, but the only one who informed me is too busy having self pity,
ok hun you can be the one with diabetes, I'm just asking questions.
I want to punch her.
& I'm trying to quit smoking!
welp, that's what going on atm.
I don't know why, but it feels good.
Lately I've been thinking of disappearing.
I'm held down by so much right now,
but it might be worth it.
New life, new world.
I'm sick of everyone being so involved in others lives.
I don't need reality rubbed in my face,
I live it everyday.
Summer lets me be drunk.
But I never leave reality.
You people are so obvious.
I don't know if I should tolerate my dizziness and just quit the habit.
Because I proved that I'm happy today.
I don't think that's the point though.
These two people are the most important people in my life.
(minus about 2 others).
Red, think about moving. You have a place here.
Not that spacey, but it's new. New helps sometimes.
Come to college.
I want my man to come back.
I want us to always be like this.
I am 100% happy with him & for the first time,
it feels 100% right.
I hope my teacher lets me miss today.
I'm too, not here.
Cheers to things looking up in life, even on a rainy day.
My brains are all jumbled by mucus.
I've gotten ahead of myself, and lost me.
I'm not sure where I want to go,
But I don't know why I always want to take the lonely path.
I am lonely.
& I'm tired of these mood swings.
Shit like this really makes me think.
I always think I look way better a year ago.
& I always think about how much fun life used to be.
Shouldn't I enjoy now?
Starting now I will feel beautiful and ect.
& eff everything else.
I let go of what I had, & I'm relieved.
& I'm wise enough to know now not to cry about the empty pit my my tummy.
That will always diminish over time.
I'm setting everything up for school.
I'm taking summer classes.
I'm taking care of ME.
It's about damn time.
When in fact I probably hated that version when it was in motion.
Now I'm so plain-jane.
My big toes hurt, as do my eyes.
I'm tired of this constant questioning of myself, as to if I am in the wrong or not.
I'm tired of my hands always being dry.
I'm very tired of not making the money I used to.
Although I do come home-home soon.
& I'll be making a point of not wasting a minute without seeing people I miss.
So I figured my degree is 3 years long.
But I don't think I can handle this village more then another year.
I meees my momma and baby bros and sis. & RED fo sho.
I vow to never put more effort into this then you do.
Yep, that's my new strategy.
Let's see how far I get this time.
There are people outside my house literally screaming.
I feel like a mess.
Like i should be drinking my wine.
& smoking 100's (or 99's in my case).
I feel like things are getting better,
but I can't stop having these wild dreams.
I feel like I look pretty .5% of the time.
I feel like I need someone to tell me I look sexy.
& I know he wont.
He'll just steal more cigs.
& deny it.
I might get all C+/B-'s this semester,
& I'm very proud of that.
I just want to go downstate for a little.
& hottify myself.
I feel that's impossible here.
I made a scene.
I made my headache worse.
You know what though, whatever.
I don't deserve it. I don't.
He'll understand the world he created is unhealthy.
In his own time.
I don't know what my next step is.
I'm not afraid.
I'm just tired of waiting.
I want to enjoy life.
I need someone who wants to enjoy life also.
I need sun.