Tags: life


When You Pray, Move Your Feet

The December air bights my ungloved fingers and nibbles my ears as we walk, just you and I. Thousands of lights wink at us from houses full to bursting with families and cookies and rolls of sparkly red paper. My mom's little, lonely apartment feels so far removed from this American Christmas panorama we're passing. I long for that simplicity; a holiday in one place with the same people year after year. How I can miss something I've never had is a mystery. I don't dwell on this for long since it seems fruitless to wish for things that can never be.

I tell you about the sadness I don't understand that has ballooned inside Mom since my step-father left last summer. The joy and release I felt at this event are not shared by all involved and I struggle to empathize. How can she love and miss such a cruel and thoughtless man? Why did she stay for so long when he did nothing but tare us all down as if we were derelict buildings deserving of destruction? You tell me that one day, I will understand; one day a love that is powerful and ugly will push me to the brink of myself and I, like Mom, will not always choose wisely. I, (knowing without a shadow of doubt that I am nothing like my mother), don't believe you. Still, I tuck the advice away in a corner of my heart to ponder later.

There is so much I don't tell you about; the alcohol, the boys, the sadness that ballooned in me… I don't really know when. I resolve to change, to try harder, to be more of what you want. You know where I've been without me telling you, and you don't push me to talk. You tell me I am good enough; you tell me I am loved and precious and just what you created me to be. I can't believe you… not yet.

The distant sound of church bells singing their praises reaches into my soul, warming some part of me that has been numb for too long. You've always done this to me; whenever I close my ears and my heart to what you say, you send music to tell me what I need to know. The notes are a salve for my wounds and a song for my lips.

Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

 Amelia by Joni Mitchell from Hejira (Rating: 5)

(no subject)

Real life ate me.

My run in therealljidol is complete for now. I hate that for the second season in a row, I'm not out due to lack of votes, but due to other issues. I had exams, then I traveled to Virginia, and have been a lot more busy than I firt thought I would be.

I'm going to continue to vote and play the home game. Who knows. Maybe I'll make it back in later in the game.

I am alive though, and my MacBook Pro comes today! I, needless to say, am most excited.

If anyone has any resources on how to use GarageBand with Voiceover 3 and ILife 9, please let me know. I just can't find any. I found a lot about ILife 8 and Leopard... but other than that, nothing.

Huggs to all, and a merry Christmas/OtherSignificantHoliday.

Can't sleep, so am posting instead.

Hey kids!

Yes, I do live. And yes, I am doing a lot better. I had a good restful weekend singing with some great people that light up my life. the kind comments and Emails from all of you were really great too. I am back on the horse of life, and I'll be ok. You may see an occasional sad entry, but I am an artist, and it takes us a while to stop hurting. But I am not on the edge of a mental breakdown, so no worries.

In other news, the
LJ Idol poll is up
I'd really appreciate if you
would read my entry
and even if you don't vote, comment, and pass it on to your friends. I am working hard on these pieces, and while I don't need to have the top number of votes, I want enough to secure a spot in the next round. I really believe in this entry, and wouldn't ask if I didn't need some assistance promoting myself.

Ok begging over.

GOing to bed now. SO tired.

Peace and love.


The Good News: I get to take a songwriting class with Ginnie Owens.

The Bad News: I don't get to graduate until August.

That is all for now.

God is God, and I am not. Comforting, I must say.

Don't unfriend me, I do exist!

Sometimes, when I am on long breaks such as this, I avoid all forms of electronic communication. Not on purpose really. It's just that my life is so controled by it most of the year by necessity, so when I can, I detox. I promise, once the new semester starts, I'll be a little LJ addict again.

Christmas was pleasant. I shall do a huge update one day with all of the tales of my crazy family. Now, I'm about to head out to North Carolina to visit some family. It's 70 outside, and I'm not wearing sox.

O, and I got one of those new swanky Ipods that talks. Woot woot! Does anyone know ow to make Itunes just fill your Ipod with whatever it will hold? I had to go through and uncheck stuff until it would let me sync it, which took forever. Finding 8 gigs of stuff to uncheck takes a good minute. Any advice would be great.

Much love,

PS. Not in the mood for edit. Please forgive any typos.

$35,000 for this?

Today in Intro to Recording Technology, I learned that you can indeed fit 14 people in a whisper room with minimal discomfort...

Mr. I-am-perpetually-stuck-in-traffic-and-have=no-idea-how-to-oporate-a-mac-even-though-I-claim-to-be-an-expert-at-pro tools
left the class for fifteen minutes looking for the right cable, got the wrong one, so disappeared again. The entire class except for one loser piled in the whisper room. A great lesson for so much money a year.

This class is so pointless.

In other news, the meds are working. I'm not quite so crazy anymore, which is nice. I still have a lot to work through, but for now, I'm ok.
Still need to write my LJ Idol entry...hmm..."hope."...wish I hadn't used my bye.

Standing on the edge of who I am...

Some days I wake up and want to be alive, grasping at the edges of the sunlight that pours through my window.

Sometimes it takes an hour to open my eyes, perhaps three before I emerge from my cacoon of exhaustion and darkness.

Sometimes I feel full of purpose, and desire to take over the world.

Sometimes I am acutely aware of my emptiness, drained of all hope for reasons that I don't fully understand.

This is me.

I strive to live, to feel when it is painful, rise when everything pulls me under, and let the things I have fill me up to overflowing.

I stumble and I fall, but I'm alive....I'm alive.