Yes, I did find some typos, but overall, I find my entries from the past few years, (though they be a bit infrequent at times), interesting and useful when reflecting on that time in my life. Also, reading some old Idol entries, I must admit, the thought, "Damn...I wrote that?" may have crossed my mind a few times in a completely self indulgent and narcissistic way.
If anyone is interested in reading some of them, feel free to clickity click through my tags. The "Courtney" tagged, (named for my older sister), provides some particularly interesting reading.
There are some new readers to my journal, and you may have ventured through the archives. I thought I maybe should do a little explaining, even though I don't owe an explination I suppose, but it couldn't hurt. Journaling has become my ketharsis. SOme would say, "Why do this on an internet journal and not simply in a private one?" This is a valid question. While I do compose private entries sometimes, it is not enough for me to write for me and me alone. I am not trying to seak attention or have people feel sorry for me however. I also not trying to win the attention of hundreds of readers. I am not a "blogger" persay. I don't post too many links, or rant about world issues, or even tell funny tales from my day which will entertain my readers. I don't write specifically for a group of readers. I write what I feel because I know people will read, if that makes any sense. I have some filters up of course, but the accountability helps me be honest with myself about what I'm feeling and the reality of situations I find myself in. I am not the most verbal person you've ever met in your life. I don't communicate very well, and don't let my feelings out verbally in the best way. If I don't write in here, sometimes I won't write at all, and that isn't good.
All of this said, reading backwards, you may see some entries which may leave me looking like a very depressed person with many issues. While this is sometimes the truth, this is not all that I am. I perhaps should write about the happy parts more often. Perhaps this will be a blogging goal for 2009. I just felt the need to assure everyone that only knows me in an on line capacity that I am not as nuts as this one dimension of my life can make me seem sometimes. That is all.
PS. Password is not on tonight. This depresses me. I'd much rather watch that than the Golden Globes.
Part of the pleasure of journaling is that I can say whatever I want in it. I can write down how I really feel without the masks of dailylife blocking the reality of the condition of my heart. I am depraved, broken, and coming undone, but these are only temporary chains. I've spent a lot of time hiding from my ghosts, and now I have to face them. Tackling them unfortunately requires this devilish pill that is making me ache all over, and renders me some days unable to function on a basic human level.
Journaling is my ketharsis. I'm sorry that so many of you are a part of this, especially the new people on my friends list. I have many happy parts of myself that are just currently drowning right now, but they'll emerge again.
All that said, here is my "good things" list.
+Carlie, Carrie, and Dom are the best friends I could ever have. I know I wrote about them in the LJ Idol entry from a few weeks ago, but it bares repeating. I have cut Blessing out of my life for the time being, (an X-boyfriend/misplaced bes friend who became way too entangled in my life...ask if you want more background,) and it hurts so much right now. I feel responsible for him, and miss him, and my sadness spills out onto my friends sometimes. I try so hard not to suck them into my vortex, but I can't help it sometimes. All I can say is that it's a good thing they're forgiving, graceous people. I want to show them how much they mean to me, but I don't know how. Words seem feeble at this point. I fail at emotions and outward expressions of appreciation sometimes...I just want them to know.
+I get a dog in a few short days!!! Praise God indeed. I think the time away will be good for me. I just hope my body can stand up to the training.
+I got a new Bible yesterday in hopes that it will inspire me to read it more. My faith is important to me, and it seems to have been swept under the rug and lost in the pile of emotional dust. I want my relationship with God to be complete, whole, and honest. I know not all of you are Christians, and this is not my atempt to "convert" anyone. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts and feelings from my personal life. So if you see more spiritual entries in the future, feel free to scroll past if need be. I won't be offended. Feel free to comment with opposingviews as well. As long as we all stay civil, there could be very productive conversations that occur.
I can't promise that more glowing entries will be coming soon, but please understand that this season of darkness will not last forever, and I will return to my regularly scheduled, sarcastic, rediculous self.