Tags: happy things


Inch by Inch

I've lost almost 20 LBS since I've been home. Now, no one start freaking out and thinking I've been starving myself. The first ten came off really quickly. I had a huge, (I'm talking reality TV show drastic, change in diet. I'm now even to the point where I don't have to write down all of my calories. My brain has gotten used to eating so much more healthily and I can self regulate.

The pounds have come off, but the inches are slow. My mom is the opposite, and I wonder why that is. I've lost a lot from my arms and back and face which is good. I've lost three inches from my waste but I'd like to lose two or three more. However, nothing, (I mean ziltch), has come off of my hips. They are much more toned and look good in a pair of jeans, but I'm getting back to that troubled spot where my waste is ten inches smaller than my hips so clothes fit strangely. If I could just get rid of two or three inches there I'd be completely satisfied with my body. I don't mind being a woman with some shape. Corbb likes it that way and he's been with me at my heaviest. I love the fact that I look like a woman and not a stick figure. I'm not obsessing in an unhealthy way, promise.

That said, what can I do? I eat right, I do all kinds of leg lifts and squats and marching...everything I can think of for that area and it doesn't seem to be helping much. I try to do heavy kardio but that has always been hard for me. I get headaches if I'm on the treadmill for too long, which seems odd. I don't even really get overly tired. I just get dizzying, painful headaches. I'm drinking plenty of water, having a little snack before in case it was a blood sugar issue...nothing works. I try to do crunches but they've never really done much good. I'm as "strong as an ox" as my mom says, so my body is used to hard work. Help! Suggestions please!

Most of my old clothes fit again. Some fit great...except for the hip area, but I know a woman's shape can change as she gets older so I'm going to accept this.

Off I go to...well...be a lazy banana. Mom is going to a funeral this morning, so no church today :(.

 Hammered by Law & Order: SVU from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 11 (Rating: 0)

Don't blink, it's a happy entry!

Part of the pleasure of journaling is that I can say whatever I want in it. I can write down how I really feel without the masks of dailylife blocking the reality of the condition of my heart. I am depraved, broken, and coming undone, but these are only temporary chains. I've spent a lot of time hiding from my ghosts, and now I have to face them. Tackling them unfortunately requires this devilish pill that is making me ache all over, and renders me some days unable to function on a basic human level.

Journaling is my ketharsis. I'm sorry that so many of you are a part of this, especially the new people on my friends list. I have many happy parts of myself that are just currently drowning right now, but they'll emerge again.

All that said, here is my "good things" list.

+Carlie, Carrie, and Dom are the best friends I could ever have. I know I wrote about them in the LJ Idol entry from a few weeks ago, but it bares repeating. I have cut Blessing out of my life for the time being, (an X-boyfriend/misplaced bes friend who became way too entangled in my life...ask if you want more background,) and it hurts so much right now. I feel responsible for him, and miss him, and my sadness spills out onto my friends sometimes. I try so hard not to suck them into my vortex, but I can't help it sometimes. All I can say is that it's a good thing they're forgiving, graceous people. I want to show them how much they mean to me, but I don't know how. Words seem feeble at this point. I fail at emotions and outward expressions of appreciation sometimes...I just want them to know.

+I get a dog in a few short days!!! Praise God indeed. I think the time away will be good for me. I just hope my body can stand up to the training.

+I got a new Bible yesterday in hopes that it will inspire me to read it more. My faith is important to me, and it seems to have been swept under the rug and lost in the pile of emotional dust. I want my relationship with God to be complete, whole, and honest. I know not all of you are Christians, and this is not my atempt to "convert" anyone. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts and feelings from my personal life. So if you see more spiritual entries in the future, feel free to scroll past if need be. I won't be offended. Feel free to comment with opposingviews as well. As long as we all stay civil, there could be very productive conversations that occur.

I can't promise that more glowing entries will be coming soon, but please understand that this season of darkness will not last forever, and I will return to my regularly scheduled, sarcastic, rediculous self.

thank you for putting up with me...all of you