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Entries by tag: friends

Don't blink, it's a happy entry!

Part of the pleasure of journaling is that I can say whatever I want in it. I can write down how I really feel without the masks of dailylife blocking the reality of the condition of my heart. I am depraved, broken, and coming undone, but these are only temporary chains. I've spent a lot of time hiding from my ghosts, and now I have to face them. Tackling them unfortunately requires this devilish pill that is making me ache all over, and renders me some days unable to function on a basic human level.

Journaling is my ketharsis. I'm sorry that so many of you are a part of this, especially the new people on my friends list. I have many happy parts of myself that are just currently drowning right now, but they'll emerge again.

All that said, here is my "good things" list.

+Carlie, Carrie, and Dom are the best friends I could ever have. I know I wrote about them in the LJ Idol entry from a few weeks ago, but it bares repeating. I have cut Blessing out of my life for the time being, (an X-boyfriend/misplaced bes friend who became way too entangled in my life...ask if you want more background,) and it hurts so much right now. I feel responsible for him, and miss him, and my sadness spills out onto my friends sometimes. I try so hard not to suck them into my vortex, but I can't help it sometimes. All I can say is that it's a good thing they're forgiving, graceous people. I want to show them how much they mean to me, but I don't know how. Words seem feeble at this point. I fail at emotions and outward expressions of appreciation sometimes...I just want them to know.

+I get a dog in a few short days!!! Praise God indeed. I think the time away will be good for me. I just hope my body can stand up to the training.

+I got a new Bible yesterday in hopes that it will inspire me to read it more. My faith is important to me, and it seems to have been swept under the rug and lost in the pile of emotional dust. I want my relationship with God to be complete, whole, and honest. I know not all of you are Christians, and this is not my atempt to "convert" anyone. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts and feelings from my personal life. So if you see more spiritual entries in the future, feel free to scroll past if need be. I won't be offended. Feel free to comment with opposingviews as well. As long as we all stay civil, there could be very productive conversations that occur.

I can't promise that more glowing entries will be coming soon, but please understand that this season of darkness will not last forever, and I will return to my regularly scheduled, sarcastic, rediculous self.

thank you for putting up with me...all of you

LJ Idol, Week 7, Hope

I've spent the past three days attempting to write this entry on hope. It has taken many forms in my various drafts; a small girl who disappears from her bed, an angel who saved me from death, an abandoned cat…

I've finally decided to put profundity aside and share what hope is for me.

Hope is in Emily's hugs and Rachel's prayers. Hope is in the text message from Carrie to make sure I'm awake for class. Hope is in the box of fudge from Carlie who knew it would make me smile. Hope is in the voicemails from Blessing asking where I am when I've disappeared for hours on end. Hope is in Domonique's hands when she makes me food when I haven't eaten for two days.

Hope flows from the chosen family I have around me, filling up the emptiness I battle every day. I thank them for this hope, for keeping me alive when I couldn't. This hope is my anchor, and now they know it.