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Entries by tag: depression

A Letter

As someone who was once remarkably gifted at self sabotage, I understand you better than you'd like to believe. Time has past and we are both very different now. You have a toddler, hair that's too long, and a Quaker sensibility that seems to keep you from the bottom of a bottle. I'm almost married, have slightly more fluff around the middle than you remember, and am still hunting for my life's purpose. The chasm of four years lies between what we shared and who we have become. In my darker moments, I feel as if those are our real selves back there now buried under age and an obligation to let go. Then I remind myself that gaping wounds don't make a person more valid or relevant and thank God I heal a little every day.

Do you have to do that too?

Our's was a destructive love born out of dysfunction on both our parts. Perhaps that is why you were easier to forgive than the others; we are still the same inside, you and I. We've had to forgive ourself and those who have hurt us for a lot. True forgiveness is a salve that heals over time. It is slow and I eventually learned that it is more about setting myself free from the anger and bitterness than releasing those who have hurt me from all responsibility. It just isn't my job to punish them…or you.

You were raised in a culture of lies. Adopted into a family who used your warm body for money, deceived you about your age and origin, and left you to an institution as a teenager, I find it natural that the distortion of truth became your natural coping mechanism. I admit, when I discovered you were with three other women while you claimed I was the one and only, I dissolved. Crushed under the weight of that truth (which to this day we have never spoken openly about) I didn't ever want to let anyone put me back together.

I'm sorry I called you so much that October. Your abrupt disappearance left me lost and I held out hope I could fix you. That was who I had always been, the one who could repair the broken…everyone besides myself. Lying on my bathroom floor dialing your number over and over again seemed like a perfectly rational response to your declaration that we could no longer speak. If I showed you how much I loved you, it would all be made right. It didn't matter to me in that moment how many pills I had taken or how loud I was screaming into your voicemail that would never talk back. All that mattered was convincing you that us being together would make everything right. O, how wrong I was.

The end of us was the beginning of my healing. I dragged my bedraggled body and heart into therapy, hanging on by a strand of hope that life was worth living. I was never really angry at you. I was angry about a lot of things that have happened to me, but never you. I was hurt by your betrayal, but I understood it. Damaged people damage others. It is a harsh fact of life and I've hurt my fair share in my time.

There was never any closure with us; no long conversation where we hashed everything out and apologized through stale tears. There were only a few dramatic phone calls from you (usually incredibly drunk) and a sudden wedding announcement that arrived in the mail. As strange as it sounds, that paper crane was the closest you ever got to an apology. It was as if you said, "That man who hurt you so is dead. I'm starting over and I need your acceptance."

Some might view sending your X a wedding announcement between you and one of the women with whom you cheated on me cruel. I don't. Truthfully, I think it was brave.

I wish I was that brave.

I pray you've found your peace. I believe I've finally found mine.

I just wanted you to know.

 Michicant by Bon Iver from Bon Iver (Rating: 0)

 Michicant by Bon Iver from Bon Iver (Rating: 0)

Don't blink, it's a happy entry!

Part of the pleasure of journaling is that I can say whatever I want in it. I can write down how I really feel without the masks of dailylife blocking the reality of the condition of my heart. I am depraved, broken, and coming undone, but these are only temporary chains. I've spent a lot of time hiding from my ghosts, and now I have to face them. Tackling them unfortunately requires this devilish pill that is making me ache all over, and renders me some days unable to function on a basic human level.

Journaling is my ketharsis. I'm sorry that so many of you are a part of this, especially the new people on my friends list. I have many happy parts of myself that are just currently drowning right now, but they'll emerge again.

All that said, here is my "good things" list.

+Carlie, Carrie, and Dom are the best friends I could ever have. I know I wrote about them in the LJ Idol entry from a few weeks ago, but it bares repeating. I have cut Blessing out of my life for the time being, (an X-boyfriend/misplaced bes friend who became way too entangled in my life...ask if you want more background,) and it hurts so much right now. I feel responsible for him, and miss him, and my sadness spills out onto my friends sometimes. I try so hard not to suck them into my vortex, but I can't help it sometimes. All I can say is that it's a good thing they're forgiving, graceous people. I want to show them how much they mean to me, but I don't know how. Words seem feeble at this point. I fail at emotions and outward expressions of appreciation sometimes...I just want them to know.

+I get a dog in a few short days!!! Praise God indeed. I think the time away will be good for me. I just hope my body can stand up to the training.

+I got a new Bible yesterday in hopes that it will inspire me to read it more. My faith is important to me, and it seems to have been swept under the rug and lost in the pile of emotional dust. I want my relationship with God to be complete, whole, and honest. I know not all of you are Christians, and this is not my atempt to "convert" anyone. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts and feelings from my personal life. So if you see more spiritual entries in the future, feel free to scroll past if need be. I won't be offended. Feel free to comment with opposingviews as well. As long as we all stay civil, there could be very productive conversations that occur.

I can't promise that more glowing entries will be coming soon, but please understand that this season of darkness will not last forever, and I will return to my regularly scheduled, sarcastic, rediculous self.

thank you for putting up with me...all of you

Nov. 13th, 2008

Had to take a WF for freakin jazz styles...hope this doesn't mess me up for grad school in a few years. Why? Why does my brain thwart my desire to do well? Why am I not a 4.0 student? I could be! I hate this...hate hate hate hate it!

A teacher i really like and respect now probably thinks I'm a giant screwball.

Fail fail fail...Please God, don't let this screw me up eternally for grad schools...Can Ijust do this few years over again? Please?
I'm smarter than this...I'm better than this...

Standing on the edge of who I am...

Some days I wake up and want to be alive, grasping at the edges of the sunlight that pours through my window.

Sometimes it takes an hour to open my eyes, perhaps three before I emerge from my cacoon of exhaustion and darkness.

Sometimes I feel full of purpose, and desire to take over the world.

Sometimes I am acutely aware of my emptiness, drained of all hope for reasons that I don't fully understand.

This is me.

I strive to live, to feel when it is painful, rise when everything pulls me under, and let the things I have fill me up to overflowing.

I stumble and I fall, but I'm alive....I'm alive.