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LJ Idol, Week 7, One Touch

Dear ------,

I still dream about you.

In the place between sleep and awake, I find you there, tiny and faceless. Sometimes I am in a vast forest, and I see you lying under a tree, bathed in inky shadow. Other times, I find you on an island shore, your little voice piercing the silence and salty sea air, calling out for me to save you.

I always try to reach you.

I run through the tangled woods, legs pumping furiously, heart knocking against my tightening chest.

I swim through the choppy green water, hands clawing at angry surf, lungs protesting against my attempts.

Yet I can never close the gap between us.

I awake in the dark, sweat pouring from me, angry tears spilling onto my cheeks.

My eyes long to see your precious face, and my voice begs to soothe your tears. But most of all, my arms ache to hold you, hands crying out to feel your soft skin.

I know I haven't earned this privilege; the sacred right to comfort you like a mother would. I have left you somewhere I can never go, and this is my penance. I don't deserve you.

Not even in my dreams.

A/N: Thanks to clauderainsrm for extending a bit of grace to me in the midst of a frustrating situation. I do appreciate it so.


( 15 Tattoos — Write a Song )
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
*huge hugs* I can't imagine how difficult it was to post that for all the world to see...

I would also like to say that I think the above poster is a huge jerk... While I agree with the point they were making that was the complete wrong way to go about it... And to not even put their name on it...
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC)
In order to stay in, Garry asked me to forefit a spot in the top 10 if I were to make it that far. I agreed. It has been... well a hellish 2 weeks, and I maybe should've posted the link then edited it later. If Garry had said no to not letting me stay in, I would've accepted it gracefully of course. I'm not trying to not act like an adult, but we all have issues sometimes with internet and computer sometimes, and we all deserve some grace... I would not begrudge anyone that as long as it wasn't a recurring habit. And it isn't for me. i usually get my entries in fairly early actually.
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're still in the competition because I really enjoy your posts. You're right, we all deserve grace... I'm not always as good at extending grace as I should be. I am wrong and of these things I repent!
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC)
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
This is sad and lovely, and I'm glad that Gary decided to let you stay in.
Dec. 12th, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. Most people are being very kind about this, which I really really appreciate. I hope Garry doesn't get too much crap about it.

As for the entry, it was hard to write. I don't know if it is my best from a literary standpoint, but it is true and raw...and maybe that is what it is meant to be.
Dec. 13th, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)

I'm so sorry.

Even though I am sure you made the best decision at the time, leaving someone behind hurts.

I haven't quite been there but I have miscarried and all those questions that can never be answered are so hard.

I too have felt the longing of empty arms.

I wish I could ease your pain somehow.

Typing ::Hugs:: seems so inadequate.
Dec. 13th, 2009 03:16 am (UTC)
And just because I always want to know, I think you meant:

hands clawing at angry SURF

Not serf.

::Hugs:: again

Dec. 13th, 2009 07:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for your kind words. I've avoided writing about it, (I wrote about it once last season and I don't want to repeat writing about personal pain just for votes). I tried to write about a million other things... but this is just what came out, (after much protesting from me). Your huggs are appreciated. As is your typo error. I did indeed mean waves, not feudal slaves. Haha.
Dec. 13th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
This is so sad but so beautiful.
Dec. 13th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much. I'm glad people are reading even though it isn't in the poll...it is nice to know that this entry which was so hard to write is impacting people... maybe it is helping someone too. I hope so.
Dec. 13th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
So sad! And I'm glad Gary let this go through!
Dec. 14th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
This has a really touching tenderness, sadness, bitterness, desperation, and melancholy all rolled into one... a complex ball of emotions that is the outcome of this personal torture. I get it. Thanks for sharing, and for your delicate touch.
Dec. 15th, 2009 03:55 am (UTC)
Gosh, I have no words. What a brave story to share with a bunch of strangers.

And yes, I am glad you were able to remain in the competition.
Dec. 24th, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
( 15 Tattoos — Write a Song )

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