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LJ Idol, Week 1, Empty Gestures

To: God
From: Briley on behalf of humankind

I hope this reaches you. The postman looked a little confused when I handed him a letter that was to be delivered to Heaven, but if the postal service can handle Santa Clause’s mail, I figured this would be no problem. I apologize for the sheer number of stamps. I wasn’t sure how many it would require.

On to the purpose of this letter.

This letter is meant as a most sincere apology from the human race for our shortcomings. I’m sure you’ve seen the signs of our rapid decline; the startling lack of music on MTV, the male musician’s sudden preoccupation with skinny jeans, and the unfathomable success of Twilight. But these trespasses, (though most certainly egregious,) are not the reason for this written supplication.

We write to you today to beg your forgiveness for the modern church sign. With attendance down in our church’s, we thought the best solution lay in advertising. Instead of asking our already dwindling congregations to spend their precious time dealing with the hungry, homeless, and imprisoned, we thought bright signs with witty, eye-catching phrases was just the remedy for our illness.

“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
-Fear is sometimes a great motivator.

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
-The original target market for this one was the balding middle aged man with a large collection of joke books and Whoopi cushions he liked to bring to parties…not as big of a demographic as we originally thought.

“I kissed a girl and I’m going to hell.”
-Yes, this one clearly affronts the whole “judge not” precept in the Bible, but hey, it is singable.

In hindsight, these were definitely not the way to go. Studies are showing that they are actually decreasing people’s desire to attend. We are sorry for our massive error in judgment.

The good news is, we’ve figured out the solution!

Strobe light Sunday night!

We do hope you approve.

The Church


( 44 Tattoos — Write a Song )
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Oct. 21st, 2009 02:42 pm (UTC)
LOL Bravo!
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
I don't usually write humore pieces, so glad it was enjoyable.
Oct. 21st, 2009 02:45 pm (UTC)
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Oct. 21st, 2009 02:46 pm (UTC)
Wow. Great take on the topic. I love it. Particularly the ridiculous advertising included.
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC)
Those are actual church signs...I didn't make those up.
(insert something w) - pricelessone - Oct. 21st, 2009 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(insert something w) - ____hejira - Oct. 21st, 2009 05:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(insert something w) - minikin - Oct. 24th, 2009 04:05 am (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:15 pm (UTC)
Funny! hahaha.
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Glad I got it in on time.
Oct. 21st, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
*giggles* I'm going to be singing "Strobe Light Sunday Night" for the rest of my day.
Oct. 21st, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC)
Huray! Glad you liked it!
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:53 pm (UTC)
Giggles are good for your health I hear.
Oct. 21st, 2009 06:14 pm (UTC)
I agree with you.. I think those signs outside of churches are horible... There was a church where I went to grad school that had a new one of these up every week ... They were all pretty bad, but the only one I can remember said "Don't know Jesus... Don't die" Definitely not very Christ like IMO
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:54 pm (UTC)
I am astounded daily by the uniquely human ability to completely miss the point...(Talking about the church...not you...you obviously got it.) Thanks for reading!
Oct. 21st, 2009 06:15 pm (UTC)
LOL! Awesome! :)
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:54 pm (UTC)
Glad you liked it!
Oct. 21st, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
Nice. :D
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:55 pm (UTC)
So glad you liked it!
Oct. 21st, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC)
Very well done.
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. I'm really pleased it is going over well. I figured either people would love it, or I'd get a wave of people on my FList unfriending me.
Oct. 21st, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
You found a really cool way to stand out. Good job.
Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:58 pm (UTC)
Huray huray! Glad you liked it.
Oct. 21st, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC)
Ugh! I hate the whole thing of spending tons of money on ornamentation and fancy shit and almost none on helping the poor.
Oct. 22nd, 2009 02:00 pm (UTC)
People seem to love to forget that whole feed the poor thing that Jesus really wanted us to do.
Oct. 22nd, 2009 12:16 am (UTC)
Oct. 22nd, 2009 02:02 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Pleased you liked it.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 22nd, 2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
Wow...you guys are going to make this my most commented on entry...pretty sure that sentence wasn't gramatically correct, but go with me on this one.
Oct. 22nd, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
HAHAHA All too appropriate
Oct. 22nd, 2009 02:06 pm (UTC)
That's what I thought. Glad it came off as humorous and not synical or preachy.
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( 44 Tattoos — Write a Song )

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