From: Briley on behalf of humankind
I hope this reaches you. The postman looked a little confused when I handed him a letter that was to be delivered to Heaven, but if the postal service can handle Santa Clause’s mail, I figured this would be no problem. I apologize for the sheer number of stamps. I wasn’t sure how many it would require.
On to the purpose of this letter.
This letter is meant as a most sincere apology from the human race for our shortcomings. I’m sure you’ve seen the signs of our rapid decline; the startling lack of music on MTV, the male musician’s sudden preoccupation with skinny jeans, and the unfathomable success of Twilight. But these trespasses, (though most certainly egregious,) are not the reason for this written supplication.
We write to you today to beg your forgiveness for the modern church sign. With attendance down in our church’s, we thought the best solution lay in advertising. Instead of asking our already dwindling congregations to spend their precious time dealing with the hungry, homeless, and imprisoned, we thought bright signs with witty, eye-catching phrases was just the remedy for our illness.
“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
-Fear is sometimes a great motivator.
“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
-The original target market for this one was the balding middle aged man with a large collection of joke books and Whoopi cushions he liked to bring to parties…not as big of a demographic as we originally thought.
“I kissed a girl and I’m going to hell.”
-Yes, this one clearly affronts the whole “judge not” precept in the Bible, but hey, it is singable.
In hindsight, these were definitely not the way to go. Studies are showing that they are actually decreasing people’s desire to attend. We are sorry for our massive error in judgment.
The good news is, we’ve figured out the solution!
Strobe light Sunday night!
We do hope you approve.