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LJ Idol Week 1, Saying Good-Bye

It’s midnight, and I sit alone on my apartment steps, the August humidity wrapped around me like a heavy blanket. I feel the judgment of the moon and stars weighing on me as they look down from their heavenly dais, their points of light cutting into me like a thousand silver needles. Two weeks have passed, but I am only now starting to glimpse the gravity of what I’ve done, the summer night sky casting a pale glow onto the ugly truth; I am a murderer.

I remember the physical anguish of that Saturday afternoon, curled up on my bathroom floor, guttural cries of pain reverberating against the white walls. The pain killers they gave me have no affect, and no one is answering the emergency pager number.

Why aren’t they answering?
When will it stop?
So this is what it feels like for something to die?

“Residual pain is normal.”
“Avoid sexual intercourse.”
“You should feel normal again in a few days.”

The dreams keep me from sleeping. Phantom cries slice through the darkness, and endless hallways lead nowhere. I never get any closer to them, but I search anyway, the screams growing louder, and yet no nearer. It is much easier to fuel myself with caffeine pills and bypass the ghosts.

This is what they call normal?

“How are you?”
“Did it hurt?”
“Do you feel different?”

There’s no scar, no mark where they removed it; only a fracture in my soul that I don’t know how to mend. Crickets hum as stale tears fill my eyes, silently falling onto my shaking hands. I realize for the first time the root of it all; I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been before. If sixty-seven days wasn’t enough to make it real, then why do I miss it?

I have no name, no face, not even a grave to cling too. Only bright pink and purple instruction sheets, a red stain on white porcelain, and the empty feeling in my stomach, serve as reminders of your existence. I killed a piece of myself with you, and I can never get either back.
Good-bye, little one.

A/N: Please no judgment from pro-lifers, or justification from pro-choice people...It is what it is, and I can't take it back no matter how much I want too. I simply had to post it because I know there's someone out there who has been through this, or is thinking about having an abortion. These are the aftereffects that no one tells you about...do with it what you will.


( 56 Tattoos — Write a Song )
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Sep. 26th, 2008 12:18 am (UTC)
What is reading...
[desc: Simple square graphic with dark rose/pink background and a burgundy spiral graphic on left.
Text in center reads: "What is reading but silent conversation?" ~ Walter Savage Landor
Text at bottom right: Spydie Lives]
Sep. 26th, 2008 01:29 am (UTC)
Confused face? All I see is your picture, no comment. Is that on purpose?
(insert something w) - spydielives - Sep. 26th, 2008 01:54 am (UTC) - Expand
(insert something w) - ____hejira - Sep. 26th, 2008 02:03 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 26th, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
This is profound, thank you so much for having the courage to share it. Your bravery is overwhelming.
Sep. 26th, 2008 02:02 am (UTC)
I don't know about brave, but thank you.
Sep. 26th, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
Thanks for this. Your honesty is a gift. Don't worry about it being too heavy - it is real and real is, in my opinion worth much more than entertaining.
Sep. 26th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Thank you very much. I appreciate that more than you know. I almost didn't post it.
(insert something w) - xo_kizzy_xo - Sep. 26th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 26th, 2008 05:17 am (UTC)
Wow, darling. You are incredibly brave. That was... Intense, amazing, vivid, heavy, I don't have the words. I am very proud of you. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you.
Sep. 26th, 2008 05:21 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it. Join the community The Realljidol and vote for me when the poll goes up tomorrow.
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:40 am (UTC)
I had one too
I know exactly what you are talking about. I went through it as well, many, many years ago. You needed to do what you needed to do. For years I thought G*d was punishing me after wards for what I had done. You need to look yourself in a mirror and forgive yourself. In May of 2004, I had a healthy and happy son (happily married now) and in November of 2006, I needed a hysterectomy. That was really hard too.

No matter how you look at it, it's one of the most difficult situations to be in.

If you need an extra ear, just let me know.


PS I added you as a friend.
Sep. 26th, 2008 01:53 pm (UTC)
Re: I had one too
I know God isn't punishing me, but forgiving myself is a slow process that is going to take time I think. I can't take it back, but I wish I could.
And yay for new friends!
Sep. 26th, 2008 11:45 am (UTC)
You are brave and this was beautifully-written.
Sep. 26th, 2008 01:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you :).
Sep. 26th, 2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
I have no words to tell you how sorry I am for what you've been through. Thank you for sharing this, I know it could not have been easy to write.
Sep. 26th, 2008 02:28 pm (UTC)
The response has been so much better than I expected. It is, in a way, theraputic I think to not hide it under a rug.
Sep. 26th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you for sharing this and hugs to you for what you went through.

I also think you are brave, honest and courageous for sharing your story.
Sep. 26th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. I appreciate the huggs.
Sep. 26th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
Hugs. That was very well-written, and the feelings came across clearly. I'm sorry you had to go through it.
Sep. 26th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Sep. 26th, 2008 04:15 pm (UTC)

It seems appropriate even though I don't know you...
Sep. 26th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)

(insert something w) - ____hejira - Sep. 26th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
Beautifully prepared, haunting but neccessary. I appreciate your sharing this.
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
No judgement here. No platitudes. Just letting you know I read and this is very moving and obviously from your soul.
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much.
Sep. 26th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Wow ... thank you for sharing.
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:17 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Sep. 26th, 2008 11:50 pm (UTC)
I think this is beautifully written. It must have been a hard, heart wrenching decision to make and I commend you for your courage.
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( 56 Tattoos — Write a Song )

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